Shouting at kids, want to stop

[Ncbecauseselfloathing]

I know I ABU.

I can’t stop. I don’t know how.

I am traumatising my DD. She is 3 and so wilful and difficult but she is just 3.

Shouting doesn’t work I know (occasionally it does but mostly it doesn’t).

I am at a loss. I feel like I have been lobotomised and just can’t catch a break between 3 year old and the baby. I have it quite easy compared to others.

I asked GP about help for anger management a while ago and it sounds like you basically have to be seriously fucking up your family and SS involved and then you might be sent to parenting classes. I don’t need that, but my reading books and articles isn’t working.

Have you watched episodes of the super nanny for tips of praising good behaviour and ignoring bad? It might help.

Is this a new change in you? Have you considered and been checked if this is a hormonal/peri-menopausal/deficiency?

I’m sorry you’re finding it so tough, well done for recognising that you want to change something (don’t mean to sound patronising but it’s tough to admit to yourself, never mind say out loud/type!) Firstly, it doesn’t matter if you think others have it harder, it’s not a competition on who has it worse, you find it hard, loads of us do, you are definitely not the first or the worst I promise. I can’t offer help on courses or anything like that but I can recommend the book “The Book you wish your parents had read, and your children will be glad you did” and also an Instagram account ‘ourmamavillage’ as some form of self help, ideas for reflection.

I don't have a big problem with shouting at my kids, but every so often they go through a phase where I Just Can't Even. My major issue is externally going from Calm Mummy to Flipping My Shit in half a second. Obviously internally it has been building up for some time and I suddenly can't be nice any more, but to my DC I must look like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. It's a small thing, but vocalising the fact that I am getting a bit impatient, that I am now quite cross, that if they don't XYZ right now I will shout at them - it's helped to make it less of a surprise rage and can head things off at the pass.

I also recommend the book "When Mum Turned Into A Monster" as an conversation starter where you can apologise for shouting. I sometimes use the "turning into a monster" as a way to describe my escalating crossness in a more fun way.

Maybe it's not anger management you need - wanting to shout when kids are pushing your buttons is very very normal - maybe you need to look at some mindfulness, or calming/breathing techniques?
I can tell (now) when my children are really getting to me and I have got better at calming myself down before I flip my shit. Its more effective at calming them down too

When you want to shout
Get down at dd level and
Talk quietly and calmly
Say what you need her to do or stop doing

You are in control of you
You are the adult
Try counting to 10
Or leaving the room

Try mirroring her but quietly
Lie on floor and tantrum like dd does but quietly

Which books have you read?

Try actually talking asking "why are you doing that" a lot of kids I have seen do things to actually get a response from their parents...even shouting....do you spend more time on your phone than talking to your daughter? Do realise she is saying mum, mum, mum often? Do you sit her in front of a tv, laptop, tablet for a bit of quite!?

You can't pour from an empty cup.

How do you look after yourself? What do you do that's for you in the average week? What was your childhood like? Was it shouty?

Slowing down your breathing helps calm your flight/fight response.

Can you describe a specific example?

I went through a phase of this and really when I think back I am so disgusted with myself . What you are describing is a temper and a short fuse and you just have to train yourself to manage it.

What helped me was 2 things
You need to develop the ‘pause’ so basically when you feel that anger well up, take a deep breath and (provided it’s safe) walk away and count to ten. In that 10 seconds think of how you will impact your beautiful child and don’t think about how you are feeling. Your reaction is because you are feeling angry for yourself - less focus on you and more on them.

Secondly I committed (to myself) to parenting for one week like there was always someone in the room watching me. After each day I noted what went well and after a week I found I was starting to develop positive habits. When I feel myself slipping I go back to this.

On an ongoing basis i think some alone time to replenish is key as well as nice activities with your children.

Good luck and do try your best, life will be so much better for all of you

Meditation and sertraline helped me.

I was a shouter. My eldest had huge difficulties managing his emotions too. Now I never shout and I can see his behaviour emotional regulation improving too.

Jo Frosts confident toddler care is good. Gives you alternative techniques to use so you don't just shout all the time. I was quite shouty before starting the naughty step, now I just give the warning and if he keeps doing the naughty thing he goes on the naughty step. No shouting and drama required. I'll also say 'I'm getting cross' before actually getting cross as it's only fair to warn them that they're pushing it.

I recommend the Waking Up app.

I found myself like this, and I was so annoyed with myself that I kept shouting, and felt like we (I) were really stuck in a rut. I made a massive massive effort to stop shouting and be calm even when I felt wound up, and within a week, my DC had responded to that with so much better behaviour. It was really tough to change my mindset, but I had no idea it would work as fast as it did. I do still very occasionally shout at them, but it is definitely more as a one off these days, and we communicate a lot better now.

@nanbread my childhood wasn’t shouty - I have always been a bit shouty with my family. I don’t remember my mum and dad shouting though I did get spanked and told off.

Right now - or indeed since DD born I don’t get much time for myself. I only had childcare for when at work and I work long hours and DH doesn’t drive so I had to do all the logistics of drop off etc. Now while wfh it’s different but we moved into...the house situation is not straightforward and I can’t keep on top of anything. But there just doesn’t seem to be a way to get time for myself. If I get a window that should be spent on cleaning etc or the pile of things to be done.

I end up stealing time from myself by being on my phone late at night to sort of get back some breathing space and I end up more tired because I’ve robbed myself of sleep.

DH finds my daughter tough too, he is more involved now that he is wfh but somehow it doesn’t help overall. Probably being im looking after the baby when he had DD.

I don’t think I’m peri menopausal. I am knackered but have always had a hot temper.

I sometimes try the getting down at her level thing and sometimes I am able to control my temper but other times I also ‘flip the switch’ and just scream.

I have read the explosive child and various articles online about dealing with tantrums. Basically I seem to react to her tantrum with a tantrum.

I feel you.

What helped was setting boundaries, realising they were going to test them and having a structure that I put in place to keep myself calm. I liked the book 123 Magic for consequences and moving through them emotionless.

I also listened to Calm Parents, Happy Kids. It was tough to listen to at times but on reflection it helped.

Also being fair to myself and thinking, I was going through a lot and trying to put more supportive strategies and self care in for myself.

Ultimately I was screaming at my kid because I felt out of control and unable to get them to do what I wanted. That of course, is why most kids scream at us too.

I dont have any advice for you but just wanted to say I feel/act the same and need to try to change so you are not alone.
If I promise myself I will try hard to be calm and then get cross or frustrated and end up shouting I'm cross with myself and then it becomes a circle because I take that out on the dds and then it circles round

What helps me (some of these things will help you to be calmer, others will improve your relationship to make it more fun and maybe less difficult):

Me time. Self care - not long baths or doing my nails, more like getting takeaway so I don't have to cook or wash up, letting my standards slip on washing the DC's hair or housework etc. Making my life easier however I can, really.

Venting. Have someone non judgemental you can let rip to. Maybe counseling if you have stuff to unpick from your childhood.

Playfulness. Be silly and funny with your daughter, find out what makes her laugh beyond tickling, try to make sure there is laughter and fun and connection between you every day.

One on one time - try to have this with her every day, doing what she wants to do, even if it's just for 10 minutes. Give her a sense of control.

Breathing and feeling your feelings. When you want to lose your shit, breathe for a count of three and ask yourself "is this an emergency?" Observe what your anger feels like in your body and try to see it as a thing separate from you that you can let pass.

Repair - everyone loses it sometimes. Just try to make things better afterwards. Don't leave them. Try to do this as soon after as you can do it with grace.

Allow her her feelings. She's allowed to feel angry, annoyed, upset, grumpy. She's NOT allowed to hit, bite, throw things at the baby. You can prevent these things gently and calmly.

Self forgiveness. Beating yourself up is counter productive. You're doing the best you can even if it doesn't feel like it. You recognise you want to find another way and are working on it. You're a good parent wanting to do better.

but other times I also ‘flip the switch’ and just scream

You are lucky you are not a man. If you were you would be told you are an abuser and your partner would be told to leave you and protect the children.

These messages are really encouraging and giving me hope that I can change, thank you.

A specific example. I’m so ashamed of this.

Tonight DD’s plate ended up getting smashed.

I was putting together her dinner and went to grab something. Because of stressful afternoon, DH had decided he couldn’t even deal with boiling pasta and got himself a takeaway. Dd tore into package and soon wanted some of his chips.

He put some on a little plate for her. I asked him to give me her plate so I could add them to the larger plate I was making up for her so that it would be a more balanced plate of homemade fish cakes, veg, and a yoghurt ‘sauce’ with the small handful of chips he gave her. I knew that otherwise she was liable to just eat the chips and ignore the rest. I was a bit annoyed at him and she was also grabbing at his coke and I don’t want him to drink that in front of her,

She got annoyed and wanted her plate back and the chips ended up on the floor. I scoop them up to get rid of them and then she starts shouting at me about wanting it on the floor. I did try to ask her gently what she wanted and I couldn’t understand and she needed to calm down and tell me, and she kept screaming incomprehensibly so I knocked it to the floor.

I didn’t really mean for it to break but I wasn’t thinking. And then realising it had broken I was annoyed and so I actually smashed it again and shouted.

So entirely counterproductive, scary, and more than angry - actually violent. Happened because I was actually stressed and annoyed about things happening with my DH and other things actually unrelated to DD, it had just built up and tension exploded at dinner time.

Is your dd safe ?

I immediately apologised to her and was trying to calm her down but she was so upset and screaming for me to fix her plate. She deserves so much more. She is not bad, she is really clever and funny she is just so independent and wants things exactly a certain way sometimes - so if a toy drops she wants to pick it up, not you, and if you do or try to help her she loses it.

We have worried that there is something wrong with her but I think it’s normal tantrums plus being modelled entirely the wrong behaviour.

@nimbuscloud - yes, she is physically safe.

I do think I am traumatising her and damaging her emotionally. I think you are right about different responses to men and women but that’s a bit beyond me at the moment.

X posted with you... I know those exact feelings!

You haven't talked about your child's actual behaviour, but the explosive child isn't really right for a 3yo IMO.

I would recommend "the book you wish your parents had read" by Phillipa Perry, but the main reframe to make in your mind is that all behaviour is communication, and that a 3 year old CANNOT control having a tantrum. A tantrum is an expression of feelings. I'm sure you want your dd to be able to express her feelings to you.

3 can be a tough age but also her world's been turned upside down with the arrival of baby.

First of all could you commit to a week of early nights instead of browsing. Not like you're getting much out of the browsing, I know from experience...

Second of all can you have half a weekend day to yourself - get DH to take them both out - or use annual leave to take some time off to yourself? You could maybe take a day off fortnightly for a couple of months to help you get back on top of things.

Or can you pay for help to sort the house?