Shouting at kids, want to stop

[Ncbecauseselfloathing]

I know I ABU.

I can’t stop. I don’t know how.

I am traumatising my DD. She is 3 and so wilful and difficult but she is just 3.

Shouting doesn’t work I know (occasionally it does but mostly it doesn’t).

I am at a loss. I feel like I have been lobotomised and just can’t catch a break between 3 year old and the baby. I have it quite easy compared to others.

I asked GP about help for anger management a while ago and it sounds like you basically have to be seriously fucking up your family and SS involved and then you might be sent to parenting classes. I don’t need that, but my reading books and articles isn’t working.

Incredible tests programme. Did it via zoom and it was brilliant. Helped me shout so much less and be more positive.

You can also buy book one or audiobook on audible

Incredible years not test 🤦‍♀️

Yes you are emotionally abusing her. You must stop. Can you access support tomorrow ? Are you communicating with your dh about your feelings?

Nect time Stop and breath
So she has few chips on a plate? Her dad was having chips so why not her
The fishcake will keep for another day
One night chips is no big deal
You could have added some fishcake to chips or afterwards

Let it go
She was maybe shouting floor I e the chips on the floor
If someone put food in front of you
Then someone else took it away
And you are three
You would be cross

So dd reaction was understandable
Dad gives me chips
Mum takes away
I confused

Anyway there is clearly more to it
But start by training yourself to pause stop breath and counting to 10

Can you get some time to yourself ?
If dh is wfh take time each day for half hour walk on your own or start c25k

You sound like me 2 years ago. I had just had a baby and had a 3 year old (who subsequently has had an ASD diagnosis) who had lots of tantrums and was struggling to adjust to a new baby. DH had just started a brand new job and couldn't take time off or anything. It was tough, I shouted at my 3 year old all the time for things that really didn't matter. I did end up with postnatal depression and the medication really helped me but I used some techniques like thinking what is the worst that's going to happen here? So your chips example, is it really that bad that for one night your daughter just had chips for her dinner? It's not every night and I'm sure she had plenty of healthy things throughout the day.

Even now I take a second to think about the impact my shouting has vs what impact the action has. My now two year old was certainly sent to test my patience but really he's just exploring the world and testing boundaries and it's all part of growing up. He spills a whole basket of toys on the floor, well we'll just clean them up once he's finished.

I've also followed the technique of having the house set up so that the kids can do whatever they please (within reason) I don't have ornaments/breakables out, we use plastic/wooden crockery. Anything we don't want damaged is put away somewhere out of reach. I find this helps minimise my stress levels and I can keep my calm much better.

There's also no shame in admitting that you need you time, your DH needs to step up and look after both children to give you some time to yourself. It's so important to have you time, that doesn't mean going to shops alone or going for bath while they run around down stairs etc but something you do just for you!!

@nanbread actually I did read the Perry one. Something did click with me that I kind of remember being an annoyance to My mum and I sort of hear the same thoughts in my head as she would have said to me. Don’t mess around don’t make noise etc - for ordinary child stuff. But I don’t repeat that with my DD, I try to let her just be a kid. But my treatment of her (especially the going from tickles and hugs and fun to explosive mummy) will damage her and take away the happy child.

@nimbuscloud I’m not sure what support you mean? DH knows my feelings and doesn’t understand why I can’t stop. He is also stressed and overwhelmed by work, 2 kids etc and just life in general. The not being able to take any time off because of covid and he is self employed so even if he does take time off it’s not really off - it has worn him down. I don’t know how he can help me because in the moment I’m not likely to be calmed down by his telling me to calm down or doing something which just undermines me.

X posted again...

I'm not going to lay into you about the plate and screaming. You know it wasn't right and you have tried to make amends.

The chips ended up on the floor then you went to throw them away? To her that would have send like, daddy have me some yummy chips then mummy took them. If someone took my chips I'd be pissed off!

I am confused by your family dynamic. Your DH is getting a take away, you're making home made fish cakes. What's going on there?

Your sweet girl was upset her plate broke and that her chips were taken away. That's entirely normal 3yo behaviour by the sounds of it.

I'm seeing from what you say that she wants more control. V v common at this age.

And that you are wrestling with her over control (literally it seems in this case).

When she's having a tantrum, you know you don't have to do anything right? They're a normal developmental part of being 3. She's just expressing her feelings. It just looks a bit different in a 3yo than it does in an adult, well most of the time.

It's not an emergency. Put some ear plugs in if the noise is too much.

It sounds like you are triggered by her tantrums. I wonder why that is? Can you work it out? Did your parents not accept you having negative feelings?

@Embracelife absolutely, some chips is no issue - I was just annoyed because - I don’t know, little things on top of a day of stress (mostly involving other people - people having problems that I have promised to help them with and I can’t get things done. I know - sounds mad but I do the kind of job that involves people turning to me for help usually. I’m on leave at the moment but friends and family come fir advice). I had just wanted her to have it alongside something else.

You are right that her reaction was understandable from her perspective. I just couldn’t get her to calm down and then I lost it.

Two parents working full time, stressed and overwhelmed, and the children bearing the brunt of it. They deserve love, patience and happy parents.

OP what's your financial situation? Are you on mat leave? Are you broke?

If you're doing ok financially I would strongly strongly recommend sitting down with your DH this weekend and discussing how you can change your family dynamic.

Something needs to change. I think something big. One of you reducing hours even temporarily. Buying in help around the house. Brainstorm what will make your lives easier.

In the short term give each other a half day off at the weekend.

Can you ask family or friends to help with stuff too.

"I just couldn’t get her to calm down"

I wonder how you were trying to get her to calm down?

I also recommend the book "When Mum Turned Into A Monster" as an conversation starter where you can apologise for shouting. I sometimes use the "turning into a monster" as a way to describe my escalating crossness in a more fun way.

@PerspicaciousGreen

Thank you for mentioning this! I read this book as a child and have been trying to remember the name. Off to buy it lol

Another Mum of a determined 3 year old here (boy) and a 5 month old DD that he is struggling to accept!

Just want to say that I can relate to the stress of the tantrums. My DS gets a bee in his bonnet about the strangest things, even feeding the ducks he got upset because he wanted the food back! He makes this awful screaming cry noise whenever something doesn't go his way.. the sort of sound kids make when they have seriously hurt themselves - a sound designed to raise anxiety in Mummy.

It is so wearing but I am finding that ignoring it helps. Sometimes I stare into space and he'll keep doing it, then creep up to see if I noticed and I'll go 'boo!' and he starts laughing.

My DH gets so wound up by it, it creates an atmosphere and makes it ten times worse. I struggle on my own with two but sometimes I just have to encourage DH to go to work as it is much calmer. He'll normally return in a much more helpful and positive mood then.

I think we're in the toughest part now and they are still developing so much. Easier times are just around the corner!

@nanbread Yes, the family dynamic is off when it comes to food! A few nights we eat the same thing but often my DH wants something else or just wants a takeaway. I will happily eat leftovers or just something from the fridge and make my DD something.

She is a typical fussy eater but there is also a history of anemia which means she had low appetite and we do struggle to get her to eat much of anything or a variety. So I was annoyed that when she was actually hungry and ready to sit down that was blunted by his takeaway options. I had made a batch of salmon fish cakes and froze them so that I had a super quick meal (together with some microwave steamed veggies) that I could give her. I tend to try to give her a balanced plate so that even if she only eats the beige carby thing, she is being constantly exposed to vegetables and stuff at each meal. But we are worried about her growth.

But yes - her reaction was completely normal in the circumstances. Not sure why that wasn’t obvious to me.

Maybe I need to provide more of a back up. We had just had an unplanned and unwelcome (by me) visit from my MIL whom I can’t stand and she hates me and has called me all sorts (and didn’t want my DD to be born/ DH to have a baby with me). In the 3 hours that DH and DD were with MIL DH and MIL didn’t remind DD about going to the potty/ toilet at all and then she promptly peed herself as soon as we managed to get rid of MIL. I took me and the baby upstairs and just did laundry etc and fed and changed, played with baby while she was here (she is single so can be bubbled with us) to avoid her.

So in the background there was a lot of stress and annoyance about MIL. So I was probably feeling like I was being steamrollered in things generally - someone over when I don’t want them (because she will just turn up or will harass DH until he accepts), DH stressed because he needed to be working and then DD couldn’t accept that he had to go back to work after dinner....

The details don’t actually matter. Just me not handling stress. And throwing it onto my dd. Who has the misfortune of looking a lot (and behaving a lot) like my MIL.

@nanbread I was saying to her (non shouting) ‘I can’t understand, slow down so I can understand, tell me again’

I was down at her level and had hands on her arms if that makes sense. So I wasn’t hugging her but was close to her. Often that works, but not today.

God - I’m actually on mat leave so I’m not even juggling work at the moment (but about to go back as need to financially and I’m starting to do bits to try to get ready for it). DH’s job involves unpredictable hours and never finishes.

My references to work before were when I was working, just to explain background and that it’s been a long time of feeling overwhelmed and strung out.

We can afford a cleaner once I’m back at work. I’m just so embarrassed at the state of the place but I need to get over that.

Sounds like having an outlet where you can vent would help - maybe if you'd offloaded your shit about your MIL then you would have had a more chilled dinner?

Re tantrums I can't talk to mine when they're that upset. They can't listen or be rational. I just have to wait until they're ready to stop. Trying to ask questions just adds fuel to the fire. You can still be there for them and help them calm down just by being there.

@Rosewood017 thank you.

Personally OP I found mat leave with two MUCH harder than working, most of the time! It can feel mind numbing and thankless.

I remember once trying to leave the house, just to stand outside to get away from two screaming children just for a minute.

Is she in nursery at all?

@Notable

Meditation and sertraline helped me.

I was a shouter. My eldest had huge difficulties managing his emotions too. Now I never shout and I can see his behaviour emotional regulation improving too.

I'd really love to explore medication to just take the edge of slightly. I feel I have slightly heightened anxiety which could be helped. Haven't the first idea how to raise this with the doctor tho.

@Kaboomba thank you for your post. We suspect ASD too but that is a slightly separate issue.

Harm reduction approach. I just feel like there are so many things I can and want to do and try but I can’t get a chance to even apply a reset or start afresh. Need to draft in some emergency help for a day somehow.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety/ depression in the past. Not sure about meds now as I’m bf but that’s a question for the dr. I think I need to talk to the dr again. Also just need to go for a bloody walk every day as masses of excess weight doesn’t help my self loathing and short fuse.

@nanbread she has just started at nursery, mornings only so we are getting used to new routines and I am trying to be good about times etc which creates its own stress. She has done really well settling in considering that she has never been in a childcare setting. There was a screaming incident and a biting incident first 2 days but last couple of days have been good we are told.

So things are actually improving because at least I get 2 hours in between to just be with the baby and have some quiet with him. He doesn’t normally get much of a look in and is made to wait for his demanding older sister.

@Hankunamatata will look into that, thanks.

Have also downloaded the app mentioned by someone else.

My husband (and me to a lesser extent) was very shouty with the kids a few years ago so we signed up for a c

As another poster has said, and I've read before on here - always act as though other adults can see how you are behaving. Would you have lost the rag and broke the plate if this had happened in a cafe? Of course not as other people would have been concerned and you would feel ashamed. So, always imagine if other people could see you and act accordingly. It's at least a good solution while you work through the issues you have so you don't actually feel the anger.