Shouting at kids, want to stop

[Ncbecauseselfloathing]

I know I ABU.

I can’t stop. I don’t know how.

I am traumatising my DD. She is 3 and so wilful and difficult but she is just 3.

Shouting doesn’t work I know (occasionally it does but mostly it doesn’t).

I am at a loss. I feel like I have been lobotomised and just can’t catch a break between 3 year old and the baby. I have it quite easy compared to others.

I asked GP about help for anger management a while ago and it sounds like you basically have to be seriously fucking up your family and SS involved and then you might be sent to parenting classes. I don’t need that, but my reading books and articles isn’t working.

And as others have said above, imagine the response if this was a father.

Not that the response would be uncalled for, I don’t mean that’s wrong and this is right. I mean we can’t lose sight of the damage and harm coming to these children at OP’s hands just because she’s a mother and we view mothers as being generally softer, more caring, less scary. OP admitted to smashing a plate in front of her little girl in frustration because her girl was upset OP threw her chips away. I don’t think we can be too nicey nice here, this is urgent and worrying.

I found the orange rhino challenge when the dc were young and started challenging myself to go a day, then 3 days, then a week without yelling.
I got the dc involved too, and they’d pick a reward to celebrate each goal. I learned so much about my triggers just by doing this. Hunger and tiredness were huge triggers. And I started whispering or talking very softly instead of telling which is surprisingly effective.
By bringing the dc in on what I was doing it taught them that yelling is not ok. And that it’s ok to stand up to adults and call them out.

It’s great that you’re trying to fix this. I came from a bit of a slapping family and it’s very hard trying to parent differently because you don’t have familiar rhythms to fall back on.

I was just the same, peri menopausal and PND as well. I second the book, the book you wish your parents had read and your children will be glad you did. It really helped me by the end of the first chapter! Good luck you're not alone xx

OP, I really feel for you. I've struggled a lot with my shouty/hot tempered ways and definitely recognise that it IS abuse when I have been like this. It leaves my daughters scared and confused.
I don't know what resources you have in your area, but I self-referred to a parenting course, without SS. You don't have to be 'seriously fucking up your family' to want better for them AND you.
To provide context, I have severe hormonal imbalance, as well as severe and enduring MH issues, BUT I still know right from wrong AND the parenting course I'm doing IS helpful. X

You're teaching her that screaming and kicking off gets what she wants.
Every time you do it you are teaching her that this is OK behaviour, you're making a rod for your own back.

If you want to stop, start paying attention and STOP before you shout and smash things. There's no other way of doing it

Think about how frightened she must be of you. Think about how frightened you will be if SS knock on the door because your neighbours have recorded you doing it.

Your behaviour is what my mum was doing that led to me going into care. I'm a bit less sympathetic because I understand this shit ONLY escalates as the child starts to react in the same way you do.

Have you hit her yet? You can answer that question in your head.

Try imagining that your daughters a big old bloke who could knock you on your arse, you might feel less inclined to terrorise her.

I obviously don’t set out to terrorise her. She’s my baby who I breastfed until she was two, through periods of reverse cycling when I went back to work and god knows what else you do for your kids because you think it’s the best for them. She’s lovely and bright and we read books all the time and paint and make tents in her room and play. I’m not setting out to make her into a shell, I didn’t even mean to smash the plate - it broke by accident and then in my anger at myself I then smashed it. I wasn’t reasoning in the moment but it really scared me and I know obviously it scared her.

To be honest, I realised afterwards that I had sort of expected my husband to hit me to stop it - not because I fear he would ever ever ever hit me or her - but I think that is what would have happened in my family. As much as my family loved and provided for me I was scared of the slipper and the belt and once even matches and I don’t think I realised until now how unsafe I felt and how I’m making my daughter feel unsafe.

I don’t anyone has made light of this or has normalised abusive behaviour. I think it’s quite different for people to anonymously recognise that those feelings and risks are more common than many would admit. That doesn’t mean it is ok. I’m not saying it is.

Today I am shaken and just trying to get back on track and calm. This weekend I will do some reading and also try not to blow up again by trying some of the steps mentioned by pp.

Beyond that I will talk to gp about referall for talking therapies or medication. I looked at a checklist for pnd and it suggested I may have pnd.

And no I haven’t hit her - I do remember how miserable I felt as a kid and how scared and unjust it was to be belted.

....s much as my family loved and provided for me I was scared of the slipper and the belt and once even matches and I don’t think I realised until now how unsafe I felt and how I’m making my daughter feel unsafe.."

That is truly awful your childhood and a lot to unpick in therapy.

But you recognised something needs to change that can start today.
Pause breathe stop walk away

You have to learn to catch yourself, as you feel your anger rising, hit the pause button. Ask yourself " is this helpful ? "
Children mimic adults behaviour, more often than not they won't do as you say at that age, but they will do what you do.
At least your aware of this issue, and you are not on your own.
You will be more prone to angry outburst s when your exhausted and feeling run down , so self care is vital, when you go to bed abit earlier, start eating a bit healthier, writing stuff down instead of bottling it all up and then exploding, it s sign that your on your side. Your telling yourself that you matter. This makes a huge difference regarding a calmer you and a calmer household . Everytime you do or say something in anger you end up regretting it.

in anger you end up regretting it.

Yep, we were concerned because of her blow ups and screaming and generally the frequency and intensity of her tantrums and need for routine and repetition. I think she is just a normal three year old but has been modelled ‘when you are angry, it’s ok to shout’.

There is a family history of ASD which is why the concern came up though. Not just the behaviour.

Hey OP I have a three year old DD too so i understand how hard it is

I don't have a baby though. I keep tells by myself many people have more than one child and cope

It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. You don't need counselling just be kinder to yourself

It's current circumstances which are not helping

I've tied all sorts of techniques abs non of the work. Three year olds are naughty.

I think we need to lower our standards in terms of cleaning/ house work.

Now it's warmer weather get out and tire her out physically more

Do you have any respite? Pre school or nursery?

Honestly antidepressants helped me with my anger a lot. Part of my anxiety and depression was anger. This could be an avenue to explore along with therapy. Good luck.

@LimeCoconut And as others have said above, imagine the response if this was a father.

Yes, a father who said "What I'm doing is wrong, I'm so ashamed, I want to change, please help me figure out how I can". Because that's what the OP's said in her posts and I don't think replies that just say "You're abusive, you need to stop" are actually that helpful. The OP knows it's wrong, if she could just stop she would.

OP, if your GP isn't very helpful, health visitors can often refer you for therapy or similar. Your latest posts make me think you could do with something like a Parent Infant Psychology Service, which is aimed at helping parents look at their own childhoods and learn better parenting techniques having explored that.

@LimeCoconut

And as others have said above, imagine the response if this was a father.

Not that the response would be uncalled for, I don’t mean that’s wrong and this is right. I mean we can’t lose sight of the damage and harm coming to these children at OP’s hands just because she’s a mother and we view mothers as being generally softer, more caring, less scary. OP admitted to smashing a plate in front of her little girl in frustration because her girl was upset OP threw her chips away. I don’t think we can be too nicey nice here, this is urgent and worrying.

If a man came on asking for help as he recognised the impact his actions were having on his child and the rest of the family, I'm sure people would offer advice (with a few unhelpful comments about how terrible he is). Which is what OP has said.

@PerspicaciousGreen thank you for another helpful tip - I will look up that service.

Regarding someone who mentioned coeliac tests for DD I will look into it but the last time I mentioned to GP as part of follow up to previous blood tests for iron deficiency they said that it was quite hard to have children’s tests done at the moment because of COVID. So that might be a while but I will pursue it to make sure. She seems to have dropped down the percentiles.

There’s a new book out called ‘How to do the work’ by Dr Nicole Lepera. It’s not a parenting book, it’s for everyone. The author describes herself screaming and shouting over dirty dishes left in the sink, and when she unpicks her behaviour and triggers she realised that she has an internal voice that has been telling her that she is never considered, and that voice has been speaking to her since childhood because of various events.

Consequently when she feels that trigger of somebody being inconsiderate, the childhood wound is poked and she blows.

This resonated with me and almost straight away I have been less shouty with my 14 year old, I realised that when he didn’t do his chores I was triggered but actually he was just being a forgetful teenager and he actually does consider me in many ways.

Just wondering if this could make sense for you - it sounds like the situation with your MIL and also your DH bringing takeaway home when you have prepared a healthy meal might be making you feel unconsidered.

[quote Ncbecauseselfloathing]@PerspicaciousGreen thank you for another helpful tip - I will look up that service.

Regarding someone who mentioned coeliac tests for DD I will look into it but the last time I mentioned to GP as part of follow up to previous blood tests for iron deficiency they said that it was quite hard to have children’s tests done at the moment because of COVID. So that might be a while but I will pursue it to make sure. She seems to have dropped down the percentiles.[/quote]
Dropping centiles is classic coeliac
This was dd
Please pursue of course blood tests can be done
Please look at coeliac UK Webpage and ask gp again it s a blood test and can be done

But do not remove gluten until test is done

Deep breath and count to 10

Cry If you need to

Sending you a big hug OP xx

@DancesWithFelines I will look that up - that really resonates with me as you describe it.

@Hesma thank you x

@Movisoul

As another poster has said, and I've read before on here - always act as though other adults can see how you are behaving. Would you have lost the rag and broke the plate if this had happened in a cafe? Of course not as other people would have been concerned and you would feel ashamed. So, always imagine if other people could see you and act accordingly. It's at least a good solution while you work through the issues you have so you don't actually feel the anger.

Yes that's good advice from @Movisoul

Also, would you shout at your boss? Your parents? Your friends? No, because you can choose not to shout

I fully take the point that I can manage to act like a civil member of society most of the time so I should be able to here. I confess I have lost it with a couple of colleagues (but both in situations where they were being absolute dicks - and lost it meant shouting, not violence. One was a bullying supervisor who was messing me around and the other someone who shouted at me and behaved threateningly when I was pregnant). And I have sworn at people, use a lot of swearing and anger behind the wheel etc.
But I completely take the point and have to be in that mode rather than feeling triggered all the time.

I mean be in the mode of ‘like you are in a public place, on camera etc’.