SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

@endoftherow

Just turn up at the park. I go regularly with a group of mums, can honestly say if other classmates turned up we'd include them in the conversation. I wouldn't make a point of inviting someone who hadn't spoken to me because I'd assume they weren't interested. I think you have to put a bit of work in yourself.

Very rude of them to talk over your head though.

This, let your child introduce you, he starts playing with his mates, you start conversation. Next day you are not a stranger.

Also but Queen Bee I mean someone who smiles lovely at everyone then bitches behind everyone’s back.

There are some genuinely lovely people at the school gate.

Also try the PTA. They are always looking for people to help - best advise for the first year be happy to do some of the more unpopular jobs - they will LOVE YOU XX

You have all my sympathies, OP. My youngest is year 6 and we’re encouraged to let them come and go by themselves and it is BLISS not to have to deal with the school gate for the first time in 13 years. And I have always had a friend to talk to, but I’m still aware of it.

Talk to one of the lamp posts. As you say, it’s unlikely to become a life-long forever friendship, but for the next 6/7 years having someone to say ‘fucking world book day AGAIN?’ and ‘don’t look behind you just yet but pretty sure little Esme’s mum is pregnant’ does help to pass the time. Good luck

I literally could have written this post

I never used to pick my son up when I was working in the office (after school club) but since wfh I have and I've missed the mum friend bus and get ignored too!

Makes taking /pick up so awkward

I was a lampost. Then I did some volunteering and got to know people that way. I personally avoided the domineering cliques as I am very wary of groups of women having been bullied severely at school. Having said that, my experience has been that in every school, every workplace, every institution, there are always a few nice people who you can get along with.

Btw, I know school pick up can be chaotic, but generally speaking, people who talk over your head are just plain rude.

I feel for you. My child has special needs and the only mum that was friendly and has now become a good friend is mum of another special needs kid. Others see though me too. I completely agree its rude to announce yourexciting plans in front of people you dont want to include. I was raised in a family that believed you can't eat in public without offering to share. But its a general habit in society, people are great at ignoring those around them.
Try talking to you the parent behind you in the line, just turn around!

Fellow lamppost here. We relocated last summer & I have only spoken to one mum since we did. Don’t think it helps that there’s no soft play / trampoline park parties to chat to other parents outside of school run. DS is only in year 2 so hoping I’ll get to speak to a few more before he moves on to secondary school
I’d echo what others suggest, just start chatting to one or two and see how you go.

If you don’t want to say hi to the back of someone’s’ head how are they meant to say hi to someone behind them? Grow up, please just start talking to others, it’s not their job to include you. They’re not deliberately excluding you, you are choosing to be excluded. I’m an extrovert & constantly try & involve everyone but there is always someone I didn’t see/invite.... more the merrier just make your self know or start a renegade group. Good luck op

Maybe they know each other from having children in older years? Although you said you do too...

I remember that first year not knowing anyone - it was horrible at first but people had all-class parties and we all got to chat then. Much harder now with the covid restrictions etc.

We did all go to the park after school - it was literally just outside - so we also got to chat to other parents then. Within a couple of years we were all pretty sociable - although now my DCs are at secondary I would say I have one really good 'Mum' friend from primary, a few more in a little 'ex-Mum's' social group, and a few others I chat to if we bump into each other (or would message if specific reason etc). But for 7 years it was a lovely social thing, even if only before and after school, and at school events. It's a shame if you can't all get to chat and be friendly.

I agree with PPs - go to the park and just get chatting, you don't need an invite. It's easy with little ones - you'll be standing side by side pushing on the swings or whatever. But do also invite the other lampposts....

I would try not to get worked up about it. Maybe ask your DC whom they'd like to come over for a playdate in the garden and invite the mum too? But in my experience many of these cliques don't last much past Yr3, and from Yr5 or 6 most kids take themselves to school and back.

Go say hello to the other lamp posts you might find you dodged a billet with the other group.

Just choose someone who looks friendly and drop a little comment to them - ‘I can’t believe how grown up they all look in their uniforms’ - they will either nod and smile or reply, and hey presto - a conversation. Keep doing this until you get a ‘bite’

Wow I didn’t realise talking to my friends in the playground meant I was in a clique. I have friends from when my eldest was in reception. So yes we do chat because we’ve known each other for a few years now and socialise outside of school. Doesn’t mean I’m not open to talking or meeting new people.

Just to remind everyone that a clique is only a clique if you exclude others, and you pointedly ignore and speak over someone else's head without acknowledging them in any way. A group of mothers chatting that is inclusive is not a clique. There is a huge difference between the two.

I completely agree its rude to announce your exciting plans in front of people you dont want to include. I was raised in a family that believed you can't eat in public without offering to share.

This is silly. No one is rubbing any 'exciting plans' in anyone's face, the people the OP is complaining about are just talking about going to the park, which is public, and to which no one needs an invitation!

And I'm assuming by 'eating in public', you mean your training was that you had to offer to share your food with other family members. not that you couldn't buy an ice cream cone from a van and had to offer a lick, dutifully, to everyone you passed on the street? Either way, it really doesn't bear comparison with some parents talking about going to a public place after school.

@Glitterzzz

I can assure you I’m not bitter at all! I expected some of what I’m seeing , and to the person who said say hello to the person in front ... what to their back? 😂😂 it’s a very odd mix of people .. like I said we have lampposts , we have the mum gang , we have ones that bring their cup of tea to the school pick up line ... not a travel cup... the cup from the house 😂 and I stand by IT is rude for top dog mum to walk past the line and only say to 5-10 mums about seeing them at the park. I cannot be the only mum thinking that ... unless they all live on the same route home then there is deffo planning going into arranging those meets ups .

I’m also not sneering at any of them 😂 I have friends outside of this school so I am capable

I’m one of the Mums with the cup of tea in a mug, make friends with her. I will talk to anyone but I struggle starting a conversation if there’s more than one person. I also don’t care what people think of me and I’m often daydreaming in a world of my own so might not make eye contact until someone speaks as ill have zoned out, but I am friendly enough.

Oh enjoy being the lamppost !!! Stay away from the cliques !! You get sucked in then someone falls out and the group splits and your either bullyed, sneered at or cast out frozen ! Steer clear your missing nothing !

I completely agree its rude to announce your exciting plans in front of people you dont want to include.

Going to the park after school is hardly exciting plans though? We used to go to the park after school most days as it was on the way home, as did many other parents. Asking "are you going to the park after school" wasn't really an invitation, it was more of a "if you are, I'll see you there". There was 120 in both my children's year groups. Granted some of them went to after school clubs, but it was hardly practical (the park wouldn't have fitted them all) to invite 240 families to the park every time we went to avoid being "rude".

OP, in the nicest possible way I think you are focusing on the wrong things.

Is your dc happy in school? Is he/she making friends? Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to be a social butterfly with other mums for your child to be popular.

I've had 3 dc go through primary school, I was lucky to have made 2 friends who I have stayed in touch with (this was with the 3rd child!), all the other mums I barely even remember!

The chances are you won't make close friends at the school gate.

I get it's awkward standing in silence, I used to have that too. But I'm an introvert and it suited me to have 5 mins peace rather than engage in inane chat about reading books.

Get there just before pick up so you're not standing around too long. Take a book or go on your phone. Smile and look friendly to anyone you make contact with.

I also found that arranging playdates was a good way for my dc to socialise and also to meet other mums.

It's normal, alpha mums form their own cliques, they are the ones on the front row at school events, their children usually get the best parts in school plays, they are a closed shop. You have two choices, either start speaking to the other parents who aren't spoken to by the alpha mums or wear earphones & listen to music or something & appear busy but confident at pick up times. As your child gets older it does get easier, I started waiting in the car & ds used to come out & meet me once he was in Y4.

You can't win with some people.

We have a class WhatsApp (reception) and it's very sensible, none of the horror stories you read on here. It's all 'has anyone got Billy's jumper?' and 'does anyone know if they need X tomorrow?'. No chatter, gossip or silly memes, there's probably only one small flurry of messages a week about a particular child or school related thing.

Still, one mum decided to leave. She made it very clear that she is far too busy and important for school mum chatter, breezes off without so much as a hello in the mornings( the rest of us don't gossip in cliques or hang around due to Covid but we all say good morning, how are you etc).

Then three of the little girls decided they wanted to join the local dance group after school. Her child came out last week upset because the girls had been talking about joining in school and she wanted to do it too. Mum had a huff in the playground because she didn't know about it. Why didn't she know about it? Because all of the details were put on the WhatsApp group so that if any of the children wanted to join in they could!

She's been included and she chose to exclude herself and then moaned she wasn't in the know!

I sent her the details separately after and I didn't even get a reply

I don't get the whole Queen Bee thing, everyone's chatty in a limited way in our class. It's a really small class though, maybe that's why.

OP just talk to some people!

Don't worry! It is very odd right now. I've done this same school before a few years ago, and know a few faces from nursery and it is so hard in socially distanced queues and masks to connect or chat. Everything is very rushed and hushed! I have managed some minor chat. There is no class WhatsApp for us, that would be a major plus. I've FINALLY established what my son's main friend looks like and figured out his adults and it's nearly May. Now that I know I'm hoping to suggest a park playdate, but I didn't spot them at drop off and pick up is tricky for me on a Thursday! It's definitely tricky all conversations are very bland and I'm struggling to even recognise some people yet, so I guess the sake is true of me. I've started wearing a lot of hair bands and now one particular woman has definitely started to recognise me because of that.

I really understand OP. I'm quite surprised and disappointed by how unsympathetic lots of these responses are. I'm a generally socially confident, professional 43 year old woman and I DREAD the school run. I've tried to be proactive and say hello etc., but don't seem to have got anywhere. Most of my friends (their kids sadly all go to different) say they just drop off/pick up and run. I would love to do that, it's not that I need any more friends (though it would be nice to have a few more friendly faces to say Hi to), but my daughter (also 5) really struggles socially and I feel like I need to try and make connections for her as she won't be able to do it herself. I'm dreading the party invitations etc. as I'm worried she won't get invited and will be really aware of being left out. It's honestly made me pretty anxious and knocked my confidence, I've never struggled to make friends/acquaintances but I'm obviously getting something wrong! (probably trying too hard)

I stand by IT is rude for top dog mum to walk past the line and only say to 5-10 mums about seeing them at the park

God it’s really not, she’s inviting her friends to the park. Do you go into restaurants or bars and invite every person to join you? Why do you feel people aren’t allowed individual friendships in school and it’s different there.

You sound really passive, waiting to be invited. If you can’t force yourself to join in, or say “ooh the park that sounds great mind if I tag along” then they won’t invite you, it’s not their job to approach every parent and find out if they wish to come or not

I simoly don’t get the threads on here that assume if a bunch of women make friends it’s rude of them snd they should invite every random standing there. Who does that ?

You can't just wait for people to talk to you. What if they're waiting for you to talk to them?

If you want to chat to people, you need to initiate it. If somebody doesn't respond, then try someone else.

It is totally up to you to change this.