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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

366 replies

Glitterzzz · 28/04/2021 16:38

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

OP posts:
Kangaroobill · 28/04/2021 20:56

Haven’t RTFT but I remember this, turns out the clique had all known each other for years. After going to a few parties and being forced to chat to people I found a few friends, some were part of the clique that turns out wasn’t and are lovely. Some others are now some of my best friends after basically going out and getting drunk due to the awkwardness of a mums night out where you don’t know anyone. With my youngests class I’m viewed as being in the clique but really I just already know some other Mums quite well. I say hello to most people but it’s hard at the moment with masks, staggered drop offs, no lingering and no parties. There’s still time when life gets more normal.

kingat · 28/04/2021 21:01

I make an effort because my son loves playing with his classmates. I dont particulary need new friends, but it is definetely more fun chatting to ppl in the park, that being there on your own.

Just try OP, ask your child who he plays with. I met few people just because my son chatted to theirs at the gate/on the way to/from school.
You can arrange a park trip with couple of his best friends and see how it goes.

Killahangilion · 28/04/2021 21:02

@countryatheart

Oh and the rest of you can Fuck Off with this bollocks about cliques and Queen Bee types

Raw nerve?

Only in that it’s annoying that ‘making an effort’ equals ‘being a bitch’ in some people’s eyes.

Fact is, I moved country with DH when my DS was 5 and I knew no-one here. Neither of us has any parents alive either, so there’s no fall-back option if there’s an emergency.

If I didn’t make a huge effort to join in activities and talk to people, I’d be very lonely indeed.

But apparently, that makes me an awful person according to people like you! . 🤷🏻‍♀️

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/04/2021 21:06

@Pumperthepumper

Never met an adult female like this? Where are all these awful women?

I was just thinking this, it’s such a bizarre caricature of women. I absolutely loved motherland but it’s not real life!

I've also never met with this kind of parochial clique. But being the vague, flaky type whose thoughts are normally miles away on my latest project (or nowhere at all) I probably wouldn't have noticed if I had!

Some people on school pick-up threads seem to believe they're being gratuitously slighted by other people simply going about their day. On the other hand, the slight might be real, or they could have genuinely found themselves the victims of mean, bullying behaviour. I wouldn't want to minimise that.

1Morewineplease · 28/04/2021 21:12

Most schools won't allow any waiting or catch-up time and just expect you to drop off/collect quickly.

This is a difficult time for new school parents. And I'm so sorry for them.

I'd hover wherever else parents can meet...park, gym, swimming, local sports.

ZooKeeper19 · 28/04/2021 21:13

I never get this. Why would you want to talk to people? What about? What is the chance they are interesting enough to be talked to, mostly?

Basically why spend energy trying to small-talk to people if you absolutely don't have to?

UserTwice · 28/04/2021 21:20

The women OP encounters might be really rude and unpleasant.
Or they might be perfectly nice people who just (like most people) find it easier to talk to those they already know than talking to strangers.

If OP had tried to chat and be friendly, and been rebuffed I would agree that they are of the avoid-at-all-costs type. But the fact they just haven't gone out of their way to be friendly to OP when she stands there and doesn't say anything doesn't give any clues either way.

Royalbloo · 28/04/2021 21:29

Go to the park too, have a chat, make friends? Their relationships exist so you need to make your own - it's not "against" you

Pumperthepumper · 28/04/2021 21:29

@ZooKeeper19

I never get this. Why would you want to talk to people? What about? What is the chance they are interesting enough to be talked to, mostly?

Basically why spend energy trying to small-talk to people if you absolutely don't have to?

Because you have to see them every day for weeks on end and it passes the time? So you’ve got people you can call on if you’re running late? Because it might help your kid make friends?
Royalbloo · 28/04/2021 21:30

*I talk to everyone and if anyone looks uncomfortable I'll adopt them. I know that's not "normal" but it's what I do

Royalbloo · 28/04/2021 21:31

I'm interested in ALL the people, ALWAYS

Royalbloo · 28/04/2021 21:32

But some people see me as a ringleader. I'm friends with everyone so maybe find the ringleader and say hey? I'm hoping she's not a dick?

Buzzinwithbez · 28/04/2021 21:48

I wish I'd worked this one sooner but sometimes saying how uncomfortable I feel in a situation helps with breaking the I've and making connections. So I'd probably pick a lamppost and say I'd just realised that I've been waiting here 6 months or whatever and have yet to get to know anyone and it's starting to feel a bit awkward. Then I'd ask a question. How is their child enjoying school, or whatever.... And hope that theirs feel a similar relief at having someone to speak to.

sunflowertulip · 28/04/2021 21:54

It's such a strange year. I made friends from my older child's year at the gates/parties etc, but haven't met anyone from my reception child's class apart from ones I already knew (and know quite a few as my daughter went to the nearest pre school). We are told to leave quickly so only there about two minutes.

I am going to make more of an effort to say hello someone I don't know tomorrow!

Wrenna · 28/04/2021 21:55

I can’t tell you how relieved I was when our ds went from 5Th grade to 6th and the parents just pulled up in cars and collected! I so feel your pain! I’m not one that cares what others think but in this case I felt so awkward. In your situation I’d go up to one of the other lamppost mums and try and make conversation (yet I tried that too and was given the cold shoulder even by a few of them) or stay in your car as long as possible and then collect at the mast moment. That’s the only way I survived!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 28/04/2021 21:57

Maybe they all knew each other from before. I'd just 'bump' into them at the park, the kids will play and you'll get chatting.....

GreenSlide · 28/04/2021 21:57

I didn't know any parents at the start of this year, now I have quite a few I say hello to at pick up or have a little chat with, they're mums I've met when I've been at the park with DS. Usually one of their kids calls him over to play and I say to the mum 'your child must be in Miss Xs class?' And we have a wee chat from there.

Pieinthesky11 · 28/04/2021 22:18

Just go to the park xx it takes ages to make new friends

endoftherow · 28/04/2021 22:20

Just turn up at the park. I go regularly with a group of mums, can honestly say if other classmates turned up we'd include them in the conversation. I wouldn't make a point of inviting someone who hadn't spoken to me because I'd assume they weren't interested. I think you have to put a bit of work in yourself.

Very rude of them to talk over your head though.

Whoopsmahoot · 28/04/2021 22:21

I always found school mum friendships never lasted and tended to get bitchy. With hindsight, I wish I’d never got involved with any.

Wabe · 28/04/2021 22:33

OP, this is silly. You’re the one who’s decided there’s some kind of hierarchy, ranking from the ‘queen bees’ down to the ignored ‘lampposts’ — you’re the one gifting a few ordinary women who talk to one another in a queue this unearthly power and status!

I certainly felt like a lemon on the fairly rare occasions I did the school run at DS’s old school, because I was a virtual stranger to most of the almost all-female other parents in an incredibly insular village — but that was the kind of place it was (insular, conservative, suspicious of foreigners, older mothers and WOHMs, both of which I was), it wasn't anything specific to the school gate, and it wasn’t personal.

His current school has a lot more parents I genuinely like, though I’ve not got to know many of them, as he only had eight weeks there before the first lockdown.

MsTSwift · 28/04/2021 22:38

Early days op I didn’t get to know new school run mums in addition to the friends made at playgroups until year 1/2 I think. Lost in the mists of time now. We still all friends now though our teen kids are largely not!

seastargirl · 28/04/2021 22:38

Pick a park and arrange a meet up, you then can say to a couple of the lampposts are you coming on Friday which starts up your conversation and if you find someone who's going you can try to walk to the park with them on the day you've arranged it for?

MsTSwift · 28/04/2021 22:41

In these situations you start your own clique and make it better than theirs 😁

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 28/04/2021 22:45

Genuinely OP please don’t worry about this. It’s a shit time for starting school. In normal times for the first two years of school you lose every weekend as you are at a shit soft play centre doing birthdays parties. I’ve been in groups and out of it. When in groups there is always someone wanting to be Queen Bee and a general pain in the arse. It usually takes everyone else in the group to come to this realisation in their own time. Kids change friendship groups and you will naturally be drawn in to it. You will find that in the long run other parents will be glad of the low key approach. I would start with approaching a parent on their own whose child your child has ms tinned they would like to meet at the park to play with. That way you can set it at an hour and let any friendships grown from there. Remember it’s a strange time for the children and the schools. It won’t be long (hopefully) when parents will be able to go into schools for family learning sessions or assemblies. Be secure in the knowledge that you are keep you child safe. P.S. try not to be too eager to get involved with The Queen Bees - they are a genuine pain in the arse xx