SCHOOL RUN- feel invisible

[Glitterzzz]

Hi

My little one started reception in September this year. We obviously locked down after Christmas and now they have been two weeks.

There are two classes next to each other and about 30 parents at a guess. In all the time I’ve been there not one person has said a single word to me.

I’ve tried to smile ( hard under a mask ) gave warm looks and haven’t been looking at my phone or showing any body language as if I don’t want to interact but it’s so hard ! We all line up in a single line ...

There is a group of about 3/5 mums who have made friends quickly and are the ones there gossiping early for pick up which is fine but I feel invisible. Today for example as we stand in a single line I happen to be stood in between two mums who kinda dominate the playground area and they chat over my head ... I felt so uncomfortable

Another thing they do is come along the line saying to certain mums not all ‘ we will see you at the park yeah? ‘ or ‘ are you coming down to the park ‘ it’s obvious a group of them go but how you get invited I don’t know ... we have a class wattsapp and nobody puts it on there

I’m not the only person who doesn’t speak . When I look around there are about 7-10 of us approx who just stand there like lampposts 😀😅

Part of me is bothered ( more about my little one not being selected for the park visit club) but another part of me wants to just pick up and go and this being my third kid I kinda know the chances of making friends staying friends with these mums once the kids move to high school is slim to none but it’s just the standing in silence ... how can I do that for the next 6 plus years

I have been you but I swallowed my nerves and introduced myself to everyone and now know all the mothers/fathers. I am sure I am thought of as a bit queen bee but it is merely that I have taken the trouble to say hi/chat! Some parents I chat to regularly (and are definitely long term friends) and others I just nod and wave at and chat to if we happen to be in the same place.
I also now introduce myself to all unknown mums in my children's classes and try to make sure they know a few people! I am with the posters above -you need to be proactive.

@beachsidecafe

Queen bee usually means a manipulative bully that claws her way to the top of her social group, throwing the odd mother under a bus as she goes, and does not understand the meaning of friendship. It is all about admirers and being part of the 'group' and there is nothing genuine or decent about it.

I should know I was one, but then again I was fifteen at the time.

Never met an adult female like this? Where are all these awful women?

@Glitterzzz

How do you know I haven’t contributed to school life ? Why assume ? No I haven’t set up wattsapp groups but I fundraise for the school three times since September 😃😃😃

so how did you manage not to meet anyone then

Good point @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
I have also never met one. They seem to be everywhere though according to Mumsnet.

Never met an adult female like this? Where are all these awful women?

I was just thinking this, it’s such a bizarre caricature of women. I absolutely loved motherland but it’s not real life!

Hi @Glitterzzz, nrtft, but....
I am the kind of mum you mention. I appear to know everyone in the playground, teachers included. My kids are 14 and 8, both went to the same primary school. I’ve been on the pta and was a parent governor. I always have someone to chat to in the playground.
It’s not all it seems! I’ve encountered ‘Mean Girl’ attitudes and weird ‘in crowd’ attitudes, that have bordered on bullying. The outgoing, clique mums that I got close to, all had an issue or two, which in hindsight, explained why they came across as stand-offish and not very inclusive (marital problems, disruptive home life, even substance abuse issues)
Which is not what I’m about, so I distanced myself.

My advice to you would be to say hi to those you see on your school run. It can take a few goes, but it can be worth it. A smile when you see the same person every morning/afternoon, then it naturally works up to a hi, and before you know it you’re saying hi and discussing the weather and passing pleasantries back and forth.
See who your child plays with and invite them for play dates, difficult in covid times, I know. These didn’t work for us, as it was mostly the parents looking to offload their kid for a couple of hours.

I’ve had kids in school for 10 years now and haven’t found any friendships from the playground.

I think you need to just not stress about it. At my kid's school you get a few parents that don't talk at all and then ones that only talk to certain people and not others. I will chat to people if they talk to me but I don't go out my way to do small talk. You're there to pick up your child, and although it's nice to have someone to talk to each day it's unlikely you're going to find proper friends at the school gates just because your kids are in the same class.

@beachsidecafe

Oh and don't go to the park, they are most likely to ignore you there too. Better to arrange to go with another parent or at another time.

But do remember, that as soon as you go to the park with another school mum, that makes you a clique and excluding all the other 28.

What I have realised since my kids started school is that the ones who complained about the drama ARE the drama.

More annoyingly, the parents who boast about being too superior to mix with the pleble (ie other school parents) are the ones moaning about missing out on event, on information, are late but happy to benefit from the effort of everybody else without lifting a finger.

Most parents have a life, don't need the school but try to get involved for the sake of their kids and for an easier life. And sometimes you make really good friends too. But expecting people already busy with work, with kids, with everything to take care of the "lampposts" is silly.

It sounds so weird to be so and prevent your kids from seeing friends or various events out of school.

I really sympathise op. I really tried - joined PTA, invited people to my 40th, had kids round for play dates. For whatever reason I just never cracked it. Went to a park one day literally at the end of our road and saw half the class there with mums having a picnic, all of ds’s friends - we hadn’t been invited, and this wasn’t a one off. Into our last term at primary now and I can’t wait to get out of there!

@Pumperthepumper

Never met an adult female like this? Where are all these awful women?

I was just thinking this, it’s such a bizarre caricature of women. I absolutely loved motherland but it’s not real life!

Thank god for that, it's not my experience at all either. For a start, the school gates is nearly 50% dad anyway.

Id make friends with the other “lampposts”, or put something on the WhatsApp asking if anyone fancies a park visit.

I’m kind of the same as I only collect DS on a Friday and don’t really know the other parents except one or two. But it really doesn’t bother me. I’ll occasionally put something on the group WhatsApp. But I’ve got my own friends and don’t really need school mum friends

It sort of annoys me if there are a group of (usually) mums talking at pick up they get called a clique when generally they are just a group of mum stood talking. Maybe they already know each other, maybe one plucked up the courage to say hi and now they get on, maybe they bumped into each other at the park.
I hate the school run (too many people) but I know some of the other parents from striking up a conversation at parties, playgrounds or on the school run. We’re not a clique we’re just people talking.

That small group of mums who appear to have made friends quickly may well have known each other for years. In my DS's reception class there were three first cousins who had numerous older siblings in the school so of course those mums already had a network of friends.

Don't stand about waiting to be invited into an established group. Talk to the other lampposts. Be the change you want to see.

I had some awkward days feeling like a bump on a log when DS started school and it must be even harder during CoVid but time and smiling and proximity did the trick. DS is 30 now and I am still very good friends with the mums of several of his classmates. The kids grew up and drifted apart but we are growing old disgracefully together. From play dates to weekends away and now to socially distanced outdoor 60th birthday parties we are friends for life.

Does the the reception class have a FB group? My DDs has one, I got added by the childminder and I see a lot of them making plans and making friends on there. Might be worth a check?

I don't engage because I'm an unsociable cow and get out of the playground as fast as possible, but from what I've seen I think you need to Chuck yourself in the mix.

Definitely not alone, i stood by myself through 2 DCs school days, despite my best efforts for the first term or 2 at conversation.. I just gave up, and stood on the outskirts until the class came out.
Sometimes its just cliquey and theres bugger all you can do to get in.

A friend of mine actually moved her sons school because she hated the twice a day getting looked up and down snootiness!

Ignore it and as others have said, take your phone or something else to occupy yourself you''re not alone with this one!

Chat to one of the other mums that gets ignored.... could end up with a good friend.
Ignore the dominant ones...like the plague

@Glitterzzz

How do you know I haven’t contributed to school life ? Why assume ? No I haven’t set up wattsapp groups but I fundraise for the school three times since September 😃😃😃

If your child only started in September, and you're not part of the PTA, and you've fundraised 3 times... What are these fundraisers? If it's just donating to the school raffle or joining a pta-rub event, that's pretty standard and not really 'being involved in school life' (even I do that, and I'm a bit crap on the school involvement front) if it's sponsored fun runs or something it seems pretty excessive - but also, if you.have all that energy why not join the PTA directly and make connections while you fundraise? Most are dying for money and help right now, and you can meet new people.

But, just thinking, with Covid. The kids have been off school that much I’m surprised that anyone’s really had time to meet up and become school mum friends. Or maybe it’s because I rock up about 1 minute before my son is coming out of school.

IME people don't usually go out of their way of their way to be rude. I'd always assume in the first instance that they're doing their own thing and are not pointedly ignoring me. I'm about as important to their day as they are to mine (ie not very). They probably haven't even noticed I'm there.

I say hello, or nod or smile in acknowledgement; very occasionally I'll have a brief chat or walk back from the site with someone. That's as far is it goes. Most of the time I also stand in solitary silence, but as one of the sometime lampposts mentioned upthread I'm generally quite happy, not necessarily pining for company, and might not be in a mood for small talk myself.

Of course, some people are rude and a small number possibly also band together in silly playground cliques and spend their time being unpleasant to other parents. It must suck if people at your kids' school want to make you the target, but the best thing is not to pay them the courtesy of noticing.

It's 5 minutes of your day morning and afternoon. Don't let it take up more than that of your time and attention.

I have definitely met the Queen bee mum and the cliques. It’s hateful the way they carry on. The school playground is their whole life, obsessed with school staff as if they are best friends with them.
I made some lovely friends through my children’s friends, so not all bad.
The other parents are probably thinking the same as you, so yes go and have a little chat with the lampposts.

I'm a bit at the people saying "urgh I hate cliques and queen bee mums" to then go on and say they made some great friends at the school gates them selves

What's the difference between what they're doing and what you're doing? How do you know you're not the Queen Bee to others?

@arethereanyleftatall

Good point *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* I have also never met one. They seem to be everywhere though according to Mumsnet.

I wouldn't say 'everywhere' but I have definitely encountered people like that from time to time.

My kids go to the same school I went too, which means I recognise and know lots of people from growing up. Added to the fact that I have been doing the school run to this school for 9 years, means that I do recognise and chat to loads of people and chat away.

There's also occasions where I'm looking out for someone in particular, and if someone else chats to me I might have looked distracted. It's not that I am looking for someone 'better' to talk to, it's that I was looking out for *sarah to see how her mum is after her operation (for example).

I
I

@arethereanyleftatall

Good point *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* I have also never met one. They seem to be everywhere though according to Mumsnet.

I've decided some things only happen in MNLand. Including:

• school gate cliques
• people getting cross at parents with children parking in the parent and child spaces instead of leaving them free in case a 19yo boy racer has an invisible disability
• fury at being invited to weddings
• deep, intense and real hurt at being given a Bayliss and Harding gift set in the secret Santa draw when the budget was £5
• Being scared of saying no to children