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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't have sent this picture of me?

161 replies

Badpicture · 27/04/2021 10:50

Will try to keep it brief.

Recently gave birth to DC. Husband has children with his ex, they get on okay-ish most of the time. Me and ex get on okay, we are friendly enough when we see each other but don't speak much and there were a few awkward times at first with things being said I didn't feel were very nice but we're over that in the most part now.

Anyway, DSC were excited and so when DC was born DH sent pictures to his ex. For some reason he decided to send her a photo just after I'd given birth and you can practically see everything, breasts out etc...

I'm really annoyed with him. He thinks I'm being dramatic and she's a mother, she's given birth before and 'seen it all before' so why does it matter?

I feel so exposed though and really upset about it, I'm quite shy as it is and just think he was so wrong to send that kind of picture to his bloody ex?! I don't mind pictures being sent, I really don't but not such an exposed one.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ShamrockHillz · 27/04/2021 14:20

I wouldn’t be happy with this. Dh did something similar with our first. There was a picture of me literally seconds after they’d put dd on my chest. My gown was pulled down, I had wires on me and even though you couldn’t see my actual boobs, they were only just covered by dd’s head. I’d been in labour for 2 days, I did not look good! He sent it, along with a bunch more, to his parents who live in a different country. Tbh, I wasn’t as bothered about that but what I didn’t want is my sil plastering them all over Facebook! She also tagged me so all my Facebook friends saw it. Honestly wanted to murder them all 😂

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 14:27

and what aiwblam said..............

Voomster953 · 27/04/2021 14:31

And gaslighting his freshly postpartum wife, too. What a peach.

1forAll74 · 27/04/2021 14:33

No,not the brightest idea to send this snap shot, its a personal photo,however joyous,but has to be approved by you when sent to someone.

Reinventinganna · 27/04/2021 14:49

I would be livid.
She already knows he’s a dick though so she’s probably embarrassed for him rather than you.

ddl1 · 27/04/2021 14:52

YANBU. He should not be sending pictures of you to anyone without your permission.

Original poster
Badpicture · 27/04/2021 15:04

@Bubblebu

Badpicture Shrivelled

The question is AIBU to think he should not have sent this picture of me? the answer to which is of course a resounding and unmitigated of course it is extremely unreasonable of him to have sent the picture.

The further question on which there is not enough info to give a firm opinion is "should OP be surprised that he sent the picture"

and my answer would be - it really depends.
Of course he could just have a very exhuberant and enthusiastic personality and was so incredibly excited that he started sending pictures to everyone. But.

There are some other facts to take into account like.....

  • he sent the picture to not just anyone but his ex
  • he sent the picture to his ex with whom he has a child so probably saw her in exact same circumstances
  • consciously or sub consciously he thought it was appropriate to send near naked pictures of OP to not just anyone but his ex partner.
  • he accused OP of over reacting.

And ultimately yes - he already has a child with his ex partner who he is not now with because he is having a child with OP.
i do not think these things are irrelevant.

Sorry I still don't understand the relevance of your 'you decided to have a child with a man who has kids' rant...

Whether he has children with her or not, I'm still not interested in her seeing me like that, thank you.

OP posts:
Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 15:21

badpicture

not a rant (and certainly not something I have ever had personal experience of) just reflecting what i think your post was about.

would it make any difference if he had sent that exact same picture to his ex but his ex had never had a child with him? no probably not.

Feedingthebirds1 · 27/04/2021 15:37

OP what he's doing is DARVO, albeit not in such serious circumstances as some men. Used when they know what they've done is wrong but won't admit it. Which is why he's telling you you're being dramatic and overreacting.

DARVO - deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender

me4real · 27/04/2021 15:52

YANBU that's for you to decide how publically you want to share that picture of you and who with.

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/04/2021 16:07

@Nottoday1

My DH FaceTimed his child via the mums phone whilst I was still in delivery suite to show the baby. At the time I was out of it as had been extremely traumatic birth so didn’t really clock. Looking back it’s something I hate and really wish hadn’t happened. Mum was in background so could see everything, including me naked having skin to skin with my completely fresh baby. You’re definitely not BU.
Jesus, that is ridiculously awful. What gets into people?
booksandnooks · 27/04/2021 16:11

Time to sneak a photo of him naked and send it to all of your ex boyfriends...

Original poster
Badpicture · 27/04/2021 16:13

@Bubblebu

badpicture

not a rant (and certainly not something I have ever had personal experience of) just reflecting what i think your post was about.

would it make any difference if he had sent that exact same picture to his ex but his ex had never had a child with him? no probably not.

Sorry, I still don't understand what you're on about. Saying 'you chose to be in a relationship with someone who has a child with another woman' implies that it's something that is my own fault or that I should have expected to happen though which I don't think is fair.
OP posts:
Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 16:18

i never said it was your "fault"

i did say you knew he was previously in a relationship - unless you did not know that and/or you did not know he already had children.

another interpretation is that he considers his ex's children and your child as all just one big happy family created by him - hence he sent the photo to his ex. I don't know.
What could possibly have possessed him to think sending an incredibly personal photo of you to his ex and the mother of his other child??

LeSquigh · 27/04/2021 16:28

YADNBU.

When I had my second baby (first with DP) I stated clearly during pregnancy that I didn’t want anyone coming to the hospital and that people could wait until we got home (which turned out to be fairly early the day after I gave birth early evening so not long to wait). However my DP proceeded to bring his parents in because they were “too excited to wait”. They had waited over 60 years, I’m sure a few hours more wouldn’t have hurt. It really pissed me off that people don’t understand just how vulnerable you feel.

lottieproject · 27/04/2021 16:35

It's not even his first rodeo, he can't claim first-born euphoria, he knows what's appropriate and what's not. he's a tool. And yeah I feel like he probably sent it to rub it in her face as well. I know they share children together, half-siblings with new babe so want to keep chummy but if I was ex I'd definitely be distancing myself. It's too much and uncalled for.

Captianthunderpants · 27/04/2021 16:47

I think alot on this post are over egging the situation, it was stupid of him most definitely not to look at the picture properly to see the background or what he was sending, but to say that you should leave him over it is a bit of an over dramatisation.

And for those who are saying the ex is too involved what's the issue if she went over to congratulate OP and have a cuddle with the new baby?
Usually it's the other way round and the ex wife normally gets vilified and told shes jealous if she doesn't bask in the newborn euphoria!
People like the ones saying that are the reason why so many children in first marriages are pushed out, like my own dc who are not even allowed to know their half siblings name and then get screamed at because they've told their dad they're not interested in the baby and guess who gets the blame for that? It certainly isn't the baby's spiteful mother!

Original poster
Badpicture · 27/04/2021 16:57

i did say you knew he was previously in a relationship

Right...and I'm wondering what the point of saying this was if not to imply that I 'should have known'?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 27/04/2021 16:57

i did say you knew he was previously in a relationship - unless you did not know that and/or you did not know he already had children.

I've been following this thread, and I'll be honest I still don't see what relevance it is that he has children already to the fact that he sent a very personal and revealing photo to his ex.

likeamillpond · 27/04/2021 17:14

You just have to hope his ex is a decent person and doesn't keep the picture and show it or send it to an even wider audience for example her friends or family.
Just because she's nice to you on the surface doesn't mean she thinks highly of you.
She could be secrerly harbouring a grudge.
I would NOT want a pic of me with intimate body parts on show in the hands of this woman.Shock

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 17:32

Feedingthebirds

"I still don't see what relevance it is that he has children already to the fact that he sent a very personal and revealing photo to his ex"

------
what about what lottieproject said?

"It's not even his first rodeo, he can't claim first-born euphoria, he knows what's appropriate and what's not"

ddl1 · 27/04/2021 18:04

I rhink some of the discussion is getting off the point to be honest.

There are two aspects of the situation.

One is that he sent a revealing picture of the OP to someone else without her permission.

The second is that the someone else was his ex.

The fact that it was his ex makes his behaviour very much worse. But even if it hadn't been, it would still have been a disgusting betrayal of privacy.

Whether the ex has children seems to me to be irrelevant.

CirqueDeMorgue · 27/04/2021 18:18

Ah well, I remember a thread here fairly recently about a pic that DID have a penis in it as sender clearly hadn't noticed before sending. Most people thought it was hilarious.

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/04/2021 18:20

@CirqueDeMorgue

Ah well, I remember a thread here fairly recently about a pic that DID have a penis in it as sender clearly hadn't noticed before sending. Most people thought it was hilarious.
How can you not notice a penis in a photo?
CirqueDeMorgue · 27/04/2021 18:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4161970-To-pretend-I-didnt-notice-my-friend-sent-me-a-dick-pic-of-her-husband

Dunno @GreyhoundG1rl but that's what happened.