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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't have sent this picture of me?

161 replies

Badpicture · 27/04/2021 10:50

Will try to keep it brief.

Recently gave birth to DC. Husband has children with his ex, they get on okay-ish most of the time. Me and ex get on okay, we are friendly enough when we see each other but don't speak much and there were a few awkward times at first with things being said I didn't feel were very nice but we're over that in the most part now.

Anyway, DSC were excited and so when DC was born DH sent pictures to his ex. For some reason he decided to send her a photo just after I'd given birth and you can practically see everything, breasts out etc...

I'm really annoyed with him. He thinks I'm being dramatic and she's a mother, she's given birth before and 'seen it all before' so why does it matter?

I feel so exposed though and really upset about it, I'm quite shy as it is and just think he was so wrong to send that kind of picture to his bloody ex?! I don't mind pictures being sent, I really don't but not such an exposed one.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LaBellina · 27/04/2021 12:45

I’m furious on your behalf.
What a fucking gaslighting twat he is.

Ofcourse you are not being unreasonable at all and his attempts to justify his shitty behavior is infuriating. He has the empathy level of a brick.

AndromedaGal · 27/04/2021 12:48

Nope, that’s wrong on lots of levels. It’s way overstepping boundaries - yours of course, & he’s clearly not very aware if he didn’t stop to check that it was appropriate. To his ex as well? Sorry but I’d be really cross if I were in your shoes. Just very very inappropriate

apooagnuandyou · 27/04/2021 12:52

I think it would bother most mothers frankly! It's not on.

I could vaguely understand his genuine mistake - we all have done something stupid - but I don't like the fact that he's shrugging it off. He should be sincerely apologising and understand how bad that is for you.

You are not wrong or unreasonable to put your foot down and make it very clear and it makes you feel and how wrong he is!

cordelia16 · 27/04/2021 12:54

@Badpicture

I think he just got completely carried away in the moment and didn't think it through, he isn't usually so thoughtless but it annoyed me that he was trying to say I was being dramatic afterward. l
That's the part that bothers me. Fair enough he got carried away with excitement and sent the pic (though why he had to share the baby pic with his ex that soon is beyond me - but that's a separate isse), but it's the playing it down and not listening to how upset you are after the fact. He owes you a massive apology!
apooagnuandyou · 27/04/2021 12:57

To add: you have nothing to be embarrassed about. None of us would have been happy with this, but there's nothing wrong or shameful on that photo.

mamas12 · 27/04/2021 13:00

How horrible for you he is a dick
So I would get him to message the ex and ask for her To delete the photo and then ask for his phone and go through all photos you are not happy about And delete them off his phone jyst in case if he decided to send any more out to anyone else
You can’t trust him can you
What a way to spoil your birth experience try to take control and be positive about your lovely new baby

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/04/2021 13:03

The fact that he sent it among a load of other pics says that he didn’t specifically choose this one for any reason. He was just thoughtless for not checking them before hitting send.

If he’d only sent pics of the baby and none of you holding it then it might look like he was writing you out of the picture, so to speak, so it’s actually a good sign that he included pics of you - he clearly didn’t notice the “stuff” (blood/boobs/ absorbent mat? etc).

FWIW I have photos of me sitting on one of those absorbent Mats holding DD with the other DCs sitting around me, it’s a great photo. As long as you don’t look down Grin. It’s a normal part of birth and honestly nothing to be embarrassed about, any mother would be sympathetic not judged about it, although I understand why you are embarrassed about it. She will no doubt have flicked through them and shown to the DCs without lingering on it, if she even noticed.

But it was insensitive of him to send pics of you to anyone without checking you’re ok with it and wrong of him to dismiss your feelings about it. He needs to accept your feelings about this and realise he’s made things awkward for you.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

Bumblebee1980a · 27/04/2021 13:03

I'd be fuming! Also how dare he says you're being dramatic!

Maybe he thought you looked great and can't see why you're bothered.

likeamillpond · 27/04/2021 13:11

I don't understand this thing of people wanting to take photos of a new mother before she's cleaned up and presentable.

Swordfish1 · 27/04/2021 13:12

Perhaps show him this thread. Then he might get it.

likeamillpond · 27/04/2021 13:16

ask DP if he ever has a vasectomy if its ok if you send a picture of his dick to your ex. He might get your point.
Please Do this.
It's the only way of making him see it from your point of view.

apooagnuandyou · 27/04/2021 13:22

@likeamillpond

I don't understand this thing of people wanting to take photos of a new mother before she's cleaned up and presentable.
Some mothers are the ones to post those! So who knows...

An over-enthusiastic dad taking photos of a new baby, why not. The mistake, well..
but not being remotely sorry or apologetic when told how upset it makes his partner? Not on.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 13:22

The fact that he can't understand why you are upset is worrying.

I would be seriously careful what I share with this thoughtless twat in future and the pictures he is allowed to take of you.

Make him delete all those pics.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 13:25

You're not unreasonable at all, he should not have sent a picture of you to his ex or to anyone without your permission. No doubt he didn't have his brain switched on at the time and the ex has seen boobs, etc, before but that is not the point. It's a breach of your privacy.

However these things pass. He won't do it again.

Congratulations on the birth of your child btw.

FrozenVag · 27/04/2021 13:30

My husband and min did this too and I have never forgiven either of them

DrSbaitso · 27/04/2021 13:33

Sending the pic was bad, insisting that he's not at fault and OP is just being dramatic is fucking nasty. Worse than stupid.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 27/04/2021 13:43

YANBU. How insensitive of your DH. I would be fuming, no one should see photos of you
at your most vulnerable time straight after giving birth, unless you wanted to show someone yourself.

Miasicarisatia · 27/04/2021 13:46

I think the husband calling her dramatic is red flag, at a time when he should be protecting cherishing and indulging her he is exposing her then trivialising and minimising her distress
And it's the old trope of a man starting to be abusive and denigrating his partner when she is at her most vulnerable having just given birth

Miasicarisatia · 27/04/2021 13:47

In other words I think this is an expression of a predatory mindset

lockdownalli · 27/04/2021 14:00

Take a photo of his arsehole and send it to your ex Grin

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 14:02

Badpicture
Shrivelled

The question is AIBU to think he should not have sent this picture of me? the answer to which is of course a resounding and unmitigated of course it is extremely unreasonable of him to have sent the picture.

The further question on which there is not enough info to give a firm opinion is "should OP be surprised that he sent the picture"

and my answer would be - it really depends.
Of course he could just have a very exhuberant and enthusiastic personality and was so incredibly excited that he started sending pictures to everyone. But.

There are some other facts to take into account like.....

  • he sent the picture to not just anyone but his ex
  • he sent the picture to his ex with whom he has a child so probably saw her in exact same circumstances
  • consciously or sub consciously he thought it was appropriate to send near naked pictures of OP to not just anyone but his ex partner.
  • he accused OP of over reacting.

And ultimately yes - he already has a child with his ex partner who he is not now with because he is having a child with OP.
i do not think these things are irrelevant.

Billben · 27/04/2021 14:08

@Bubblebu

YANBU ref the picture. That is out of order.

However you decided to get together with someone who has already had child/children with another woman and so you did and do know (as he has reminded you) that he really has seen it all before.

It is quite possible he does not think it is a big deal for that very reason.
You decided to have a child with this person knowing this.

You might want to read OP’s post again. And again if you still can’t understand it. DH was talking about the ex-wife having seen it all, not him. And It’s not up to OP’s DH to choose what should or should not be a big deal to OP either.

Oh, and fuck off with the “you decided to get together.....” bullshit. You are just being plain nasty.

Sexnotgender · 27/04/2021 14:11

God YANBatallU. I’d be absolutely fucking LIVID.

My husband took some lovely photos of me right as I was giving birth and immediately she was passed to me and he reassured me no one would ever see them. I love them and actually it was a water birth so you can’t see anything but they’re incredibly intimate as it was our moment.

I’m angry on your behalf!

aiwblam · 27/04/2021 14:13

I wouldn’t worry. She probably thanked heavens that he was her ex and not her current partner - and it wasn’t half naked pics of her that he had (presumably) accidentally send to someone else.

He’s a dick though. He should have said oh shit I’m sorry I was just focussed on the baby and totally overlooked the tits out situation. He shouldn’t have said you were over dramatic, he should have faced his fuck up. Like I said though, I don’t really think you need to be embarrassed in front of the ex as she’s probably happier without him.

Bubblebu · 27/04/2021 14:18

Billben

why in the hell is saying that the ex wife having seen it all before any better than the person taking the photos saying he had seen it all before?

it is all irrelevant.
it smacks of blase arrogant behaviour by the person taking the photos and sending them around.

not sure why you think i am being nasty for saying that.

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