To make contact with my daughter

[NickiNooNoo]

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

How old are they? That makes a big difference I think

They are both in their 30s

I think you need a specialist intermediary who are trained to raise the subject gently and help facilitate communication.

A FB message is so sudden and intrusive that it’s more likely to get a shocked response or none at all.

A go-between is more likely to get an initial answer and to broker things if they’re bumpy.

Sounds like you’ve been through a heck of a lot. Congratulations on getting your life back on track. It’s not easy, and I’m sure it’s been a long an painful road. You should be very proud of yourself.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all by reaching out. You’ll have to accept any sort of response, or lack thereof, but you deserve to have peace in your heart and soul, no matter what’s gone on in the past. Say the things you need to say, with a spirit of love, humility and dignity. It will then be out of your hands, but at least you can say you did what you could. It’s not about forgetting the past of playing happy families, it’s about finding peace and calm in your life and in your heart.

All the best to you, in this situation and with your health. Good luck 💐

*and

Sorry 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would contact her. The decision would then be hers. She is well into adulthood.

I would make contact but explain that if she does not wish to have anything to do with you - you will understand.

Could be a real shock to her though op if it's a direct message from
You.

Even if she doesn't reply or doesn't want to that message could tip her world upside down

Is there someone you could ask to message her first and say you would like to make contact but only if she would like you to and go from there?

You don't know what memories it could drag up for her but someone else messaging first is more respectful I feel.

Sorry op

I hope my previous post didn't come across as rude it's just this happened to a very good friend of mine.

Mid 30s and has had a turbulent life til the last three years

Part of the turbulent life stemmed from her childhood which was chaotic and scary for her which has left her with deep emotional scars and makes it hard for her to trust or feel good enough for people.

She's in a good place now but a year ago her birth mother messaged her out of the blue and she ended up needing counselling again as it dredged up all sorts of bad memories for her

Opening her mail box to her mothers name was a stark reminder of how hard her life has been up til now and how she felt.

After some counselling she did make contact back and although it's slow and only via message for the last 12 months it's going well
Good luck op. I hope it goes well

Is there no one - perhaps a mutual friend or family member - who could pass on a letter from you? A FB message seems inappropriate and inadequate, given the circumstances. After all, it's not an old high school friend or former colleague you're hooking up with.
Good luck.

First of all, good on you for turning your life around, that's a big thing to do. Sorry your health has taken a turn for the worse and hope you are OK?

However, I have a different thought to previous posters in that I think any first approach to your DD's should come from you, because an outsider doesn't 'know' how you are feeling and could portray the message incorrectly which could make things worse.

I say this from personal experience and with so-called do-gooders putting forward their thoughts even though I didn't ask for their 'help'. They didn't know the full story (in fact I don't know the reason for her estrangement) and in reality they made things much worse and I have now lost all means of getting in touch with DD. SS weren't involved, I still think it was either a misunderstanding and/or someone saying something that was none of their business.

Getting in touch with your DD's will drag up old memories no matter who gets in touch with them and why I feel this is better coming from you, than someone else. In saying that, the bridges might never be mended and that's something you need to be prepared for, it's really up to your DD's.

Sorry, not trying to go against other's suggestion that's not my intention, but I just wanted to put forward what happened to me.

Wishing you all the best and don't forget to look after yourself.

Are you in touch with your youngest? I feel so sorry for the daughter who went in to care when the other stayed with family.

I really would try to approach a third party who knows your DD well.
Your name popping up on her screen with no prior warning could be very triggering.
The third party could tell her your reasons for wanting to make contact.
I hope you're able to find peace, but equally, be prepared that the answer may be a hard No.

No. Because you only want to get in touch due to your own poor health. If she wanted to contact you, she would have looked for you.

Why didn’t you get in touch when you first got your life back on track? They might not have wanted to see you but did you send birthday cards? Christmas presents? Letters to tell them you were thinking of them? Did you stay in touch with the family member who took in one of your children so that you could hear about her through them? The fact that you only want to get in touch now you’re ill, despite the fact that they’ve had almost twenty years of adulthood, seems to me to be what is best for you, not them.

No, I don't agree with a pp who says that the daughter would have already got InTouch if she wanted to. The onus is on you OP I think, to get in contact and explain and apologise. Even if your daughter doesn't feel she can take it further, it may be very important for her.
I am sorry for all that you've been through OP, it's great that you've been able to turn things around.
I hope things work out well for all of you.

@RickiTarr

I think you need a specialist intermediary who are trained to raise the subject gently and help facilitate communication.

A FB message is so sudden and intrusive that it’s more likely to get a shocked response or none at all.

A go-between is more likely to get an initial answer and to broker things if they’re bumpy.

100% this.

No plain and simple

@RickiTarr

I think you need a specialist intermediary who are trained to raise the subject gently and help facilitate communication.

A FB message is so sudden and intrusive that it’s more likely to get a shocked response or none at all.

A go-between is more likely to get an initial answer and to broker things if they’re bumpy.

This OP. Good luck with it all

@AmyandPhilipfan

Why didn’t you get in touch when you first got your life back on track? They might not have wanted to see you but did you send birthday cards? Christmas presents? Letters to tell them you were thinking of them? Did you stay in touch with the family member who took in one of your children so that you could hear about her through them? The fact that you only want to get in touch now you’re ill, despite the fact that they’ve had almost twenty years of adulthood, seems to me to be what is best for you, not them.

I’m wondering the same, I would want my children back in my life the second I ‘turned my life around’ .

@NickiNooNoo Are the family one of them was raised with still around? Could they let your DD's know that you'd be interested in hearing from them?

I agree with PP saying that this sounds like it's to benefit you and not them. You'd need to think and phrase it carefully, dropping in that you have ill health on the first message may come across as a bit of a guilt trip.

Have you tried to get in touch before now? Sent birthday cards etc or generally just kept them up to date of your contact details should they want to get in touch etc?

I assume the eldest is the one who stayed with family, do you know if they are still in touch with their younger sibling? Would contacting one over the other open wounds for either of them, given they were split up in childhood? Please be cautious and think of it from their perspectives.

I would send a letter as that's more personal

I wouldn't message her. I am NC with one parent and any sudden contact (eg seeing them in public) is a nasty unexpected shock for me. I would hate for them to intrude on my social media.
I would use a third party service as advised.

Don’t get in touch on Facebook.

If your children were removed by social services, go through the official channels. Get in touch with them that way.

At a push, get in touch with the family members who took on your child and initiate contact that way, via letter.

But not via Facebook.

I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late.

Most of all, I think you need to accept that you cannot ‘put things right’ at this stage. For your DC, that time was earlier in their lives. You can apologise, sincerely and without expectation. But you can’t guarantee forgiveness or absolution.

I’m really sorry because it must be very painful for you. But it’s also painful for them. So you can offer the opportunity to resume contact but for everyone’s sake it would be best to not place a great deal of expectation on it.