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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make contact with my daughter

175 replies

NickiNooNoo · 27/04/2021 00:51

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

OP posts:
FeelinHappy · 27/04/2021 09:33

If everyone left it to the other party to get in touch then it would never, ever happen. They may not want to know, they may be upset, they may not reply but at least they will know you cared enough to try. They may have been wanting to get in touch but scared of being rejected. Relationships with mums tend to be complicated, it's probably vastly more complex than "they haven't got in touch so they don't want to speak to you" and I think it's ok for you to reach out again, once, gently.

I agree that FB message might feel intrusive but I have no idea what these intermediaries are. Presumably there are no family members you could go through?

MumW · 27/04/2021 09:34

YANBU to want to make contact, but as others have said you have to be prepared for rejection.
It would be much better for both sides if you went through an intermediary.

www.salvationarmy.org.uk/family-tracing

Hope it works out for you.

PicaK · 27/04/2021 09:36

Getting in touch with your daughter is not a bad idea - but to do it on your terms is.
Use a specialist intermediary.
Focus on your daughter and making it as little a shock or as intrusive to her as possible. You have no idea what's going on in her life - this is a good time for you but may not be for her.
Approaching her directly would be selfish and not putting her first which is what you owe her.

mummabubs · 27/04/2021 09:38

I think it's great that you've made positive changes in your life and I'm sorry that you're now in poor health.

I work in mental health and have colleagues who specifically work with looked after children and see the impact that unexpected contact as an adult can have. Your daughter may be happy to hear from you but I do think given what you've described in your OP there's real potential for an unexpected message straight from you out of the blue to be experienced as retraumatising for her, even if she decides not to respond.

I agree that a neutral third party (ideally professional) is best - you could hand write a letter saying exactly what you want to say, the neutral party then gets in touch with your daughter asking if she would like to receive your letter. That way she's in control of the situation and you get to use your own words so there's no risk of someone else not getting your message across in the way you want them to?

iforgotyourenotbono · 27/04/2021 09:43

It's a really difficult one, I can't help but wonder why you waited this long? When you got your life back on track, why didn't you try contact them then? The fact you're only thinking to do it now when you're in poor health is what stands out, and I'm not sure it's the best idea.
I 💯 agree with pp about a 3rd party rather than a fb message.
I am sort of in a position that your daughters are in, in the sense my dad wanted nothing to do with me - if he contacted me now, when I'm married with children and 30 years old - and he never bothered before, I'd tell him where to go.
Of course - your daughter may feel completely differently and it's a different situation. I would absolutely test the waters with a 3rd party first as it may be very distressing for her. I know it would be for me.

FoxgloveBee · 27/04/2021 09:46

I wouldn't, no. But only because it seems like you've left it so long and now you're in poor health it appears you're doing it for yourself.

I would write a letter of apology for each adult child (especially the child who went into care) for them to open one day.

Contacting them at this late stage feels insincere. However, it's up to you and you have had to live with your life choices and the consequences they have had for you and (mainly) your children.

Dontbeme · 27/04/2021 09:47

@swimlittlefishy

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry

You think they were angry? And you think you've fixed why?
I would leave them alone, as it would appear you have no insight at all into how they feel. And you are getting in touch for you, not for them.

Sadly I agree with this, you make it sound like they disapproved of some of your decisions and you fell out OP, like mates. But they were kids, probably scared and then taken away from their mother who has waited twenty years to make contact and you want to Facebook message them? Have you no empathy to how they must have felt over the past two decades? And now that life has taken a turn for you, you want contact again? Do you expect them to provide care now that you're ill, what do you want from them? Because it is unfair to offload on them to settle your regret now that you are unwell, have a think about why you want this now and if it make their lives better.
BilboBercow · 27/04/2021 09:47

I don't think you fully understand the impact this will have had on your children's lives, especially as they were both old enough to fully experience the trauma of being removed from you and the events which led up to this, which you've glossed over.
Was there abuse involved? Either from you or someone you refused to end a relationship with?

CafeMochaVodkaValiumLate · 27/04/2021 09:56

Without knowing any of the back story, as a 30yo who is NC with her biological father I would likely tell you to f.off and block you. Just saying.

SueSaid · 27/04/2021 10:02

As many have said, do not message her on Facebook.

Go through the correct professional channels so you both have the support you will need. Very surprised they weren't kept together.

StepCatsmother · 27/04/2021 10:23

However, I have a different thought to previous posters in that I think any first approach to your DD's should come from you, because an outsider doesn't 'know' how you are feeling and could portray the message incorrectly which could make things worse.

But that's the point...the first messages shouldn't contain any of this! OP needs to establish if her daughter actually wants contact first & that's what the trained third parties will be adept at managing.

Sending a lengthy message, however heartfelt, would be selfish & unfair as it doesn't give the recipient any warning & almost presumes the contact will be welcome.

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE · 27/04/2021 10:29

I opened this thread to make sure you weren't my mother. I dread her making contact.

Roselilly36 · 27/04/2021 10:55

@THATbasicSNOWFLAKE me too! Flowers

Couchbettato · 27/04/2021 11:01

I certainly wouldn't want to speak to my mum if the reason I grew up in the system, which lets face it, is the most unstable place for confused and delicate developing minds, was because of choices she made and she only decided to get her shit together once I was no longer there.

What utter abuse.

Why do you feel they should want a relationship with you?

Wherestheteabags · 27/04/2021 11:22

I agree with other posters that say not to go through Facebook. If you’re certain you want to contact them, go through official channels and leave a letter with them. I’d apologise profusely and just hope she can find it in her heart to talk to you. She owes you nothing op, not even to read a letter. I’m so sorry to say it like this and I really don’t mean to be unkind at all but you must put your daughter feelings absolutely first, if you wish to have any contact now.
I certainly wouldn’t message her, I think that would be an awful shock and invasion of her privacy.
I hope you’re ok and it’s great you’ve addressed your problems, that mustn’t have been easy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2021 11:32

Lots of people have settings on their Facebook that means they don’t see messages from people they’re not Facebook friends. So you wouldn’t know if she’d even seen it.

While I sympathise with your ill health, it does make it seem like making contact is for you and not your daughter. If you cared about what was best for her you’d have prioritised connecting with both of them as soon as you were back on your feet.

MyGorramShip · 27/04/2021 11:34

No.

They are adults and if they wanted contact they would have done so by now.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 11:48

RickiTarr Tue 27-Apr-21 01:00:09
I think you need a specialist intermediary who are trained to raise the subject gently and help facilitate communication.
.......
I think so too, Nicki.

I really hope there is a happy ending in store for you. Your daughters are now in their thirties with experience of life and may be understanding of how your circumstances were. Or perhaps one of them will.

However you may be disappointed and if so, will have to accept that.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Well done for turning your life around.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 27/04/2021 11:52

I would say that if you want to make contact, get someone else to act as an intermediary such as the Salvation Army. Don't try to contact them directly as this will, more than likely lead to heartbreak.

AmyLou100 · 27/04/2021 11:59

How are you not in contact with the family that took one dd?
Surely you would know where you stand with her at least?

Curiosity101 · 27/04/2021 12:05

I agree with a PP who suggested an intermediary to help facilitate communication.

I've got some experience of this - my mother was awful and I cut her out of my life when I was 15/16. When I was 28 she attempted to get in touch via FB. She sent me a message along the lines of "Now you're grown up I just wanted to share with you exactly what happened to me all those years ago... Etc etc".

I was livid and couldn't block her fast enough. I told her I wasn't interested in any of her excuses and that she didn't even acknowledge all the wrongs she'd done or apologize at all. It was all about her and her feelings. I was happy in my life and didn't want her anywhere near that or to risk that. I also told her in no uncertain terms I absolutely did not want to hear from her again.

Perhaps if she'd gone through a third party things would have been different... I can't say for sure. I doubt it if I'm honest... But if you want the best chance of success then I'd not aim to make direct contact without third party guidance/advice. Both to protect you from any potential negative response but also to give you the best chance of opening the lines of communication.

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:09

I think that the most it would be ok to do is to let a mutual contact know that you would still love to be in touch with them if they were willing to be contacted. Do you have anyone who you could talk to about it, who knows them now? I wouldn't make any attempt to contact them directly, not even through an intermediary really. Honestly, they're in their 30s, they will have built lives for themselves and if they wanted to make contact or felt that they needed answers from you they would have almost certainly been in touch by now.

Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time. Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry.

I really dislike this. Angry? A good word to use which implies that the person you're talking about has 'power' in the exchange. No, not angry. Destroyed is maybe a better word. And no, you have not possibly 'put right' anything - your daughter went into care ffs, that's what they will be 'angry' about, and no, you have not and cannot put that right. It changed their lives permanently, it will have shaped who they are today. And, speaking form personal experience in difficult family relationships, I would also say that if they now have children of their own, that is more likely than anything to have swung them into more, not less 'anger' at how they were treated and more, not less, likely to want to keep their distance.

PanamaPattie · 27/04/2021 12:10

No. It’s not about you. You cannot undo what has been done. Leave well alone.

wingsnthat · 27/04/2021 12:10

I wouldn’t. If they don’t want to talk to you, why are you putting your wishes above theirs? They’re not going to change their mind, respect their wishes. It’s like you’re trying to manipulate them by using your illness

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:11

Sorry that was a harsh note to end on. I'm sorry for the way things are for you. But I honestly think maybe the kindest way to 'give' something back to them now is to let them have their continued peace of mind in their own lives.

Hopefully you have a mutual contact you could speak with at least?

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