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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make contact with my daughter

175 replies

NickiNooNoo · 27/04/2021 00:51

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

OP posts:
wingsnthat · 27/04/2021 12:11

You haven’t “put right” anything btw

They will hold the trauma from their childhood forever, the phrase “too little, too late” comes to mind

You have barely been present in their lives - they can live and function without you now

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/04/2021 12:13

My school friend had all her children taken into care and all contact was eventually stopped. She has recently tried to contact them via facebook. They are not interested.

All references to her children have now been removed from her facebook page and she now seems to have given up on them. It's been an extremely painful journey for her. I don't think her children will ever forgive her.

She posted a message to her children that was highly inappropriate and self absorbed. She needed to have got someone else to proofread it and make it more considerate to their feelings. I'm not surprised her approach failed.

wingsnthat · 27/04/2021 12:15

Your daughters are now in their thirties with experience of life and may be understanding of how your circumstances were

Doubtful. They probably think “I will never do what OP did with my own children” and are likely aghast at the decisions OP made

MichelleScarn · 27/04/2021 12:17

@YoniAndGuy

I think that the most it would be ok to do is to let a mutual contact know that you would still love to be in touch with them if they were willing to be contacted. Do you have anyone who you could talk to about it, who knows them now? I wouldn't make any attempt to contact them directly, not even through an intermediary really. Honestly, they're in their 30s, they will have built lives for themselves and if they wanted to make contact or felt that they needed answers from you they would have almost certainly been in touch by now.

Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time. Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry.

I really dislike this. Angry? A good word to use which implies that the person you're talking about has 'power' in the exchange. No, not angry. Destroyed is maybe a better word. And no, you have not possibly 'put right' anything - your daughter went into care ffs, that's what they will be 'angry' about, and no, you have not and cannot put that right. It changed their lives permanently, it will have shaped who they are today. And, speaking form personal experience in difficult family relationships, I would also say that if they now have children of their own, that is more likely than anything to have swung them into more, not less 'anger' at how they were treated and more, not less, likely to want to keep their distance.

Agree with this, OP is making it like the 9 and 12 year old children had an equal say in what was going on. I don't think op will ever come back to say why they were so 'angry' and why it was so bad the siblings were separated and one went into care.
TakeYourFinalPosition · 27/04/2021 12:29

No.

Firstly, logic says that they'd have contacted you if they wanted contact, by their 30s... so it's not likely to be something that they're warm to right now. That doesn't mean you can't let them know that you'd like to talk to them, but you shouldn't do it outright, especially not randomly on Facebook.

Use an intermediary who can provide support for you all, and approach this in a way that's fair for everyone.

Put them first.

billy1966 · 27/04/2021 12:31

OP,

I'm so sorry for you but I don't think in a million years you will ever be able to comprehend the full trauma and anxiety visited on your children at such a tender age.

Beyond comprehension really.

Wounds they will carry for the rest of their lives and will have impacted every area of their life.

I appreciate you wanting to get your house in order before you die, but the truth is, that is very self serving and about you wanting to die in peace.

I think asking your GP for some advice and support could be helpful and perhaps an intermediary from social services etc.

I would advise that you ask nothing of them, and expect nothing from them.

Perhaps writing them both heartfelt letters articulating your regrets and fully acknowledging the enormous pain your poor choices caused them would be a starting point to gather your thoughts and emotions.

Over time fine tuning these letters so that they could be of value to your daughters.

Could you approach the family member that supported your daughter?

The best legacy that you can hope for is that you fully acknowledge how hard their childhood must have been, and they know this.

How deeply you regret the pain and confusion they experienced.

How you take full responsibility for all the grief, sadness, loneliness and trauma they have endured because of their disrupted childhood.

I think if you do that, they may never forgive you, but they will have your words of real regret to read when you are gone.

Wishing you well.
Flowers

Tweacle · 27/04/2021 12:43

My birth father who I had not seen since I as 6 ( a fleeting glimpse at a party ) did this to me. He too had made decisions that were no good for me or my mum. He too had turned his life around. I was so shocked to see a message from him and sort of went into panic mode. I would much rather he had written to me. Or asked someone else too on his behalf. I have to tell you I had zero interest in what he had to say. Especially the bit about what a good step parent he had been once he had sorted himself out. Please think long and hard. Maybe ask someone to help you ? Good luck and I do hope it's not painful for either of you.

Wherestheteabags · 27/04/2021 13:13

@Tweacle
Especially the bit about what a good step parent he had been once he had sorted himself out.

Oh good god - how tone deaf that was Tweacle! That must of been so hard for you Flowers

Tweacle · 27/04/2021 13:54

[quote Wherestheteabags]@Tweacle
Especially the bit about what a good step parent he had been once he had sorted himself out.

Oh good god - how tone deaf that was Tweacle! That must of been so hard for you Flowers[/quote]
It wasn't the nicest thing to hear. But I did allow him to make his peace in a way. He was very sick and my mum agreed with me that he had been a very stupid young man when I was as born. I didn't go see him, couldn't quite bring myself to but did tell him I held no ill will. Strangest thing is that his stepson has become a good pal of mine.

Dipi79 · 27/04/2021 18:07

No. Just no. You will never understand the damage you have done to your children. You only lose custody of your children in extreme cases. Whatever you have done to turn things around has taken your nigh on 20 years; why would either want to hear from you out of the blue just because you are in poor health. If you MUST contact them, do so via an intermediary. Otherwise, leave them alone to carry on with the lives they have made for themselves.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/04/2021 18:31

I personally would. Tell the whole story, leave a contact number, and leave it up to her.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 27/04/2021 18:58

Yes as above its so tricky, there is no right or wrong, op said she's made mistakes, we don't know what they are.
Without any trace of selfishness I would also try and explain if you can what your issues were and apologise profusely tell then repeat how sorry you are and totally understand if they don't contact you, your always there for them etc.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 27/04/2021 19:00

Personally I think the least the mother can do is say sorry and tell them she loves them her biggest regret etc..

Then at least they know, they don't have to make contact but it's some positivity surely in a very negative experience?

Ellpellwood · 27/04/2021 19:02

I think you can apologise, but can't expect anything in return.

Agree with the PP who says an addiction is one thing but staying with an abusive partner is quite another.

KizzyMoo · 27/04/2021 19:08

Yabu. You are only getting in touch as you are unwell and feel guilty. If my absent dad did this to me and my sister (both in 30s, could be us) I'd tell him to jog on.

KizzyMoo · 27/04/2021 19:09

Apologies I assumed male. Could be female.

Wowwe · 27/04/2021 19:15

You let down your young daughters when they needed you the most. There’s no putting it right !!
Now you are ill and you need them? I know what I’d be telling if you was my ‘mum’

Mittens030869 · 27/04/2021 19:18

I’m an adoptive mum to two DDs of 12 and 9, who are birth siblings. In their case, they were taken straight into foster care and then placed with us (separately obviously) at age 1.

DD1 is now full of questions about her birth mum and has expressed a desire to see her. (It’s not supposed to happen until she’s 18, but we’re talking things through with Post Adoption Support.) DD2 (9) doesn’t want to know anything about her adoption, as she finds it too upsetting to think that she wasn’t always with us.

Your DC were taken away from you at those ages. Think how distressing that must have been for them. They weren’t just ‘angry’, they were damaged. It’s hard enough for my DDs, who were taken away at birth.

You should get in touch with the SS involved with your family. They have specialised intermediaries who can make contact with your DC to ask if they want to be in touch with you.

They might not. And if you really do care about them and not just yourself during this time of ill health, you’ll respect that decision.

Rinoachicken · 27/04/2021 19:19

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Personally I think the least the mother can do is say sorry and tell them she loves them her biggest regret etc..

Then at least they know, they don't have to make contact but it's some positivity surely in a very negative experience?

Pity she didn’t ‘love them’ enough to put their needs first at the time.

Indeed, she’s not putting their needs or desires first even now. It’s all about what SHE wants, what SHE needs.

Redjumper1 · 27/04/2021 19:41

No as you seem too blaze about things.You come across as lacking self awareness and somewhat self serving and that's just from the initial post and the new you.

katiedidnt · 27/04/2021 19:46

The third-party suggestion is a really good one, as it allows them to decide whether they want contact with you.

If you contact them directly, you've already made that decision for them by forcing contact on them. You're more likely to prompt a negative knee-jerk reaction that way.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2021 19:56

This is all about what's best for you and what you want. You're not thinking about what's best for them at all, just like 20 years ago, so no, nothing has changed.

dozydaisy · 27/04/2021 19:57

This thread has honestly made me feel sick, i was taken away from my birth mother because she put everyone else in front of her own child. I was very lucky though and fostered to an amazing couple who were my mom and dad in all but blood.
Am i bitter and angry still at the age of 53, to bloody right i am !

I always felt not good enough but realise i am worthy.
I have 2 grown up children who i adore and they adore me.
All i ever wanted was for her to say sorry but sorry was never forthcoming, it was always what a shame it was for her, i was the one who ended up in children's homes !

I hope your children have flourished without you. You only want to see them as your ill, not for them but for you , poor you.

Do not just suddenly appear in their lives, you will do nothing but harm. You need a middle man who is experienced in cases like this.

ilovesouthlondon · 27/04/2021 19:59

Well done for turning your life around.
This may sound cold but I'm saying it for a reason. Think about why you want to get in touch. Really think about it.. you say that your health is bad at the moment (sorry to hear this). Do you need anything from your daughters beside contact? If so they will sniff that out fast and this contact could backfire bitterly. If all you need is contact then I agree what others have said in that you should begin with an intermediary instead of Facebook. Good luck x

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/04/2021 20:02

@Puttingouthefirewithgasoline

Personally I think the least the mother can do is say sorry and tell them she loves them her biggest regret etc..

Then at least they know, they don't have to make contact but it's some positivity surely in a very negative experience?

I'm NC with my dad and I'm be fuming if he said that to me. He didn't make the effort to be a good parent when I was a child, so I don't want to hear about his regrets 20 years later.

You can see on the majority of these posts from the people who have experienced this - they would not want the parent getting in touch.