To make contact with my daughter

[NickiNooNoo]

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

One with family but one put into care? Jesus, that poor girl 😞

I’m just remembering my DSis telling me that our abusive F told her that he was sorry for what he had put the two of us through when we were children when he was dying of septicaemia in hospital. It was SA right through our childhood, which at that point in our lives we had repressed the memories of.

When she told me this, whilst she was processing her own abuse and making sense of his ‘apology’, it really felt to me like it was just so that he could absolve himself before meeting his Maker.

He had never apologised to us for anything in his life before this.

My DM also keeps apologising for not protecting us from him (she didn’t know about it). I know she’s genuinely devastated, but it’s as if she’s more upset about her life having been a lie than about the damage my siblings and I have suffered. My DSis and I have been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD; I had flashbacks for years before I was able to make sense of them. (My DB probably has it too but has never been diagnosed.)

She bursts into tears whenever I bit up, so it’s impossible to talk to her about it.

And my DM is in our lives and we have an actual relationship with her. You’re considering doing this out of the blue, please believe that they won’t want to know.

I would say do it. I've been NC with my Mum for 9 years with that I lost my whole family. Sometimes I want to get in contact with her but I'm not sure what to say. I think what with covid and all the lives lost, life is too short.

@Greaseistheword21

I would say do it. I've been NC with my Mum for 9 years with that I lost my whole family. Sometimes I want to get in contact with her but I'm not sure what to say. I think what with covid and all the lives lost, life is too short.

I don't agree at all with this, am assuming you and your mother went nc as adults? Op did this to her children and its only now when it benefits/suits her, she wants contact.

I'm in a not too dissimilar situation with my mother. I'd be pissed if she reached out tbh, if you're available on social media ans they know your brother so could of reached out via him to you. They haven't.
This feels like you're hoping for forgiveness vs bringing a positive experience to them.

@Carbara
I completely agree with. My mother was given a chance when I had my first child and after only two contacts she fucked it up and showed me that she hadn't changed at all - not deep down and she was the same person who ruined my childhood. I cut her off completely. All her family told me that she was entitled to have a relationship with me. I cut them off too.
@NickiNooNoo - if you love your children then you will leave them alone. If you persist with what is unwanted contact then what you're actually saying is that 'this is what I want and I don't care that you want'. If they want contact then they will approach you so please just leave it with them. Please.

@Ideasplease322

Tread very carefully. You have had twenty years to apologise. It will look like you are only doing it now because you are in Poor health, and it will feel like emotional blackmail.

Get some counselling, are you doing this for them or for you? Think through all the difficult questions they will ask you and answer them truthfully.

Perhaps a letter explaining your actions and setting out your genuine remorse would would better, with no expectation Of further contact.

Some damage can’t be undone, so tread very carefully

Totally this. I know I felt as if my birth father only contacted me as he was sick. He had over 20 years to get in touch before that. Part of me not seeing him was due to this. I also can't tell you how panicked I was when I saw his name on the message. Please please ask someone to help you. It's such a shock and can allow emotions to go a tad haywire.

Contact them but don’t expect anything in return and don’t be pushy.

@Greaseistheword21

I would say do it. I've been NC with my Mum for 9 years with that I lost my whole family. Sometimes I want to get in contact with her but I'm not sure what to say. I think what with covid and all the lives lost, life is too short.

I may be particularly sensitive to this because it was raised by a family member as a reason not to go NC with my parents, but - other people losing family members in tragic circumstances does not mean that anyone else should sacrifice their wellbeing and allow someone harmful back into their lives.

Nobody would say that a woman should take back an abusive partner because of COVID and all the lives lost. Parental estrangement should be seen in the same light.

@trixies
Agree 100%.

@Greaseistheword21

I would say do it. I've been NC with my Mum for 9 years with that I lost my whole family. Sometimes I want to get in contact with her but I'm not sure what to say. I think what with covid and all the lives lost, life is too short.

Not for a minute do I think this is right. We lost someone due to covid, not for a second would it have made me want my abusive patent back in my life.

OP. I think writing the letters is good idea. Sending them might not be. Why don’t you write the letters you want to write, to help you ´put things right’ in your own mind - and then burn them. I find this cathartic. Write down the things you need to say and then burn it so the words are released into the universe but in a way that won’t hurt anyone. Once you’ve done that, maybe you could try writing the letters that your daughters might want to read and then give them to your brother to look after. He can hold on to them so that if and when your daughters want to read them they can.

@NickiNooNoo

Thank you for the replies and responses. I know that I was a terrible mother and put my girls through more pain and distress than any child should have to go through. I can't change the past but I want to put things right for all our sakes. Not just mine

I'm going to write a letter to each of my girls and ask my brother (I believe he knows where they are) to forward them. I understand they might not reply but I feel like I have to try

Sorry OP but they are not your girls any more, they are grown women in their thirties who have suffered trauma of abandonment as kids, survived being separated from family and each other, you are a stranger to them really.

You believe your brother knows where they are, so have family been in contact with them all this time? If so these now adults could have made contact themselves by now, or maybe they have learned that you have sorted your life over the years and still not made contact with them. They may be taking your silence until now as a sign you are just not concerned about them at all. As you are ill are you in a strong enough state of mind to deal with any anger or hostility they might feel towards you, are you prepared to be told that there is no space for you in their lives, that no you won't be meeting any partners or grandchildren, that they have full happy lives without you? You need to think carefully here about what you expect, what reply you can cope with and the amount of harm your attempt at contact may cause them. I would seek guidance from a counselor first, don't just write or message them out of the blue.

@NickiNooNoo

Thank you for the replies and responses. I know that I was a terrible mother and put my girls through more pain and distress than any child should have to go through. I can't change the past but I want to put things right for all our sakes. Not just mine

I'm going to write a letter to each of my girls and ask my brother (I believe he knows where they are) to forward them. I understand they might not reply but I feel like I have to try

You cannot put anything 'right'. You really need to understand that I think before writing anything.

The only thing that you really, genuinely can offer them is letting them know that you are ill so that, if they wished, they could contact you for any questions they may now have about their childhood, before it is too late. That is the ONLY element of this that may genuinely be 'for them'. I would write along those lines, to your brother, and ask him to first ASK if they would like a message passed on and to emphasise that it is not one which asks for contact. I woudl message something like:

'I am contacting you to let you both know that I am seriously ill and therefore wanted to give you the opportunity to ask any questions you may have now, as adults, about what happened to you thanks to my actions. I am not asking for sympathy, or contact, or understanding, or forgiveness. I could never apologise enough for what happened and can never hope to understand what you went through. Your lives are justifiably none of my business and I ask for nothing. But I did not want to remain silent as, if you ever did have questions, the one thing I could do for you is to let you know before you are faced with it being 'too late.'

If you would like to get in touch directly or through Brother, xxx.

If you do not wish to do this I will write my own account of the circumstances of what happened from my own perspective with as much factual information as I can provide, and will leave it with Brother in case you feel it would be something you want in the future.

Sorry can never hope to be enough, I hope very much that you both are happy and well and have built good lives despite what you suffered.

X.

That is the kind of thing I would do. Never, ever mention 'wnating to put right' anything OR 'always being there for them' or anything like that - it will only sound completely crass.

Yoni nailed it.

Yep- that's is a truly thoughtful message and the only approach that centres them and their needs. I hope that you all find some peace.

@YoniAndGuy that is perfect.

As someone adopted I can't express how much a message from my birth mother out of the blue on Facebook / email would be a bolt of lightning in my life. It would stun me and could arrive on a day I'm already going through something bad, spoil a day that's really important or special etc. And I don't hold any bitterness towards her whatsoever - she made the right choice and I am lucky I was adopted. I simply can't explain how much of an impact a sudden, unsolicited message would have. I often wonder if it will happen - what if it happened on the day of a big work pitch? Or a child's birthday? Or my wedding day? Your daughters then have the added layer of massive trauma and most likely well justified anger about their past on top of that.

Yoni's suggested wording is gentle and kind, as long as you would genuinely mean those things yourself. Go through a third party with no expectations of response.

Yoni, that brought tears to my eyes. A marvellous letter.

Yoni put it well.

I think you should definitely NOT msg her on Facebook. I think a letter is a good idea through a 3rd person perhaps. However I think you should leave out that your ill because this is about trying to make things right. (I don't think you can make things right after everything that's happened btw) you have no idea how either of them have been affected by what you have done. You dont know how their lives have panned out.
I think the letter should just be about you apologising for the hurt and trauma you have caused. Nothing about yourself.
A letter is something they can either ignore or respond if they want, it's safer than you contacting them on Facebook. I don't think you should put any expectations on them either. They don't owe you anything. A letter at least acknowledging what you have done may have a bit of closure for them.
Are you estranged from your daughter with your family member?

Yoni has written a beautiful letter, but please do not send it unless it can truly be said to correspond with your thoughts and intentions. I can't imagine how painful it would be to receive something so beautifully worded only to find that it concealed less altruistic motives (at best) or outright untruths (at worst). This has the potential to do serious damage to people who've experienced a lifetime's worth of trauma already.

@trixies, that's exactly what I was thinking actually. It might be beautifully written, but it needs to be real and from the OPs heart, otherwise it's meaningless.

@Aperoloontherocks Yeah. I learned this the hard way - gave my parents an opportunity to rectify the situation by attending family counselling together and tackling their alcoholism. They initially said they'd do anything to mend the damage, then started coming up with reasons why it wasn't convenient to attend the sessions. In the end, I wound up paying hundreds of pounds to attend sessions where they both said that drinking was normal in their families, that I was oversensitive and stuck in the past, that they had tried their best, and that after I attempted suicide at 17 and they did nothing, they thought me going away to university would solve things for them. Apparently since I never raised the issue with them again, they thought I was completely cured and OK. The counsellors were charmed by them, and it cost me another year of internal struggle to come to terms with the conflict between what I feel and how others see them.

I'm now NC and I'm sure that both of them would love a template message if they thought it'd work - but neither of them is prepared to actually do what is necessary to rebuild a relationship. I'd hate to imagine anyone else going through that.

@trixies

Yoni has written a beautiful letter, but please do not send it unless it can truly be said to correspond with your thoughts and intentions. I can't imagine how painful it would be to receive something so beautifully worded only to find that it concealed less altruistic motives (at best) or outright untruths (at worst). This has the potential to do serious damage to people who've experienced a lifetime's worth of trauma already.

Very good point trixies

I don't mean to sound harsh OP but your posts smacks of you wanting to 'make things right' in your head. For YOU to make amends with your actions but only to yourself, presumably because of your poor health. Please read and reread all the previous comments because they sum it up much more nicely than I can. Do it for them and not just for yourself.