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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make contact with my daughter

175 replies

NickiNooNoo · 27/04/2021 00:51

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

OP posts:
Kangaroobill · 27/04/2021 20:03

I’m going to say no don’t contact them. What can you hope you achieve? By that I mean what benefit will it be to them? I think it’s great you’ve turned your life around but it’s unfair to make contact to tell them that and try to have some relationship after 30 years of nothing. Given that the children remained in foster care I’m assuming it took some time to get your life back on track or they’d have probably been returned.
I think you’re being selfish wanting comfort and possible forgiveness due to your illness. They’ve moved on and hopefully are happy, don’t drag them down.

Thepollonator · 27/04/2021 20:10

@dozydaisy
Gosh I could have written this post myself except I only left care at 18. You sound exactly like me, good on ya!
Sending love to you 😘

toocold54 · 27/04/2021 20:25

It depends on how you word it.

I think it’ll be nice they know you care about them but you can’t make excuses for your behaviour and just be honest and say that you were a bad parent and if you could go back and change it you would etc.

countryatheart · 27/04/2021 20:29

You have nothing to lose, but do so in the most gentle and kindest way. Respect their decision

Ideasplease322 · 27/04/2021 20:47

Tread very carefully. You have had twenty years to apologise. It will look like you are only doing it now because you are in Poor health, and it will feel like emotional blackmail.

Get some counselling, are you doing this for them or for you? Think through all the difficult questions they will ask you and answer them truthfully.

Perhaps a letter explaining your actions and setting out your genuine remorse would would better, with no expectation Of further contact.

Some damage can’t be undone, so tread very carefully

saraclara · 27/04/2021 21:17

The Salvation Army specialises in this sort of thing. Their staff are highly trained, and have seen it all. They would be extremely empathetic to the person they approach though, so don't assume that they will persuade your daughter to see you, because if she is at all hesitant, they won't.
They will sympathise with you, they will understand why you feel the need to find your daughter, but their role is to be intermediary, not to force anything or to prioritise you over her.

It is the only fair way to do this though. Approaching her by FB or any direct way, would be a) unkind and b) counter-productive.

BrilliantBetty · 27/04/2021 21:25

No. Have your full name available on Facebook/ social media. They will then be able to find you if they decide they want to look.

If you are desperate to sincerely apologise to them, perhaps write a letter, with no expectation of a response or of them to even open it. Pass it to a relative for the daughters to read if and when they want to. That may be never.

Kangaroobill · 27/04/2021 21:54

@countryatheart

You have nothing to lose, but do so in the most gentle and kindest way. Respect their decision
OP has nothing to lose but this could trigger all sorts of memories for her daughters of the abuse they endured as children.
Original poster
NickiNooNoo · 28/04/2021 02:14

Thank you for the replies and responses. I know that I was a terrible mother and put my girls through more pain and distress than any child should have to go through. I can't change the past but I want to put things right for all our sakes. Not just mine

I'm going to write a letter to each of my girls and ask my brother (I believe he knows where they are) to forward them. I understand they might not reply but I feel like I have to try

OP posts:
EmiliaAirheart · 28/04/2021 02:43

You’re still talking about putting things right. You don’t get it. People here have shared their own deeply personal experiences of how it just doesn’t work like that, and you’ve missed the point spectacularly. I don’t imagine your approach will be well received at all.

1forAll74 · 28/04/2021 02:43

Do you know where your daughters live or know how to contact them, but not on Facebook, Writing a letter is what I would do. You could ask them in a letter,if they would like any contact, and be prepared for any replies that you might get. You can say so much more in a letter.as opposed to messages and texts and phone calls.

Pinkpaisley · 28/04/2021 02:53

Forwarding a letter through an intermediary is likely best.

Before you act, I would think about your motivation. Are you looking for forgiveness or absolution? If you are, then don’t contact them. Let them lead their lives. Your goal should be to make their lives better; To give them a sense of understanding and closure.

BooomShakeTheRoom · 28/04/2021 03:11

Your poor daughters. I can't imagine how traumatised they were by being split up and placed into completely new environments, although I suspect it may have felt safer than what you were able to provide then. Especially at the age they were when removed :(

Whether or not you get back in touch is really more complicated and dependent on the situation. If you abused them or allowed others to do so for example then no, I doubt they ever want to hear from you again. However if you neglected them due to addiction or something similar then they may be able to see how life is different now you're clean etc.

This has to be about them. You had your chance to parent them and you didn't. Nor did you turn your life around in time, that's on you.

You mention your brother still may know where they are. I find it strange you are only now wanting to do this. You've known for a long while potentially that they are still contactable through family yet you've not made a move until now. Why?

They may be in their 30s but theyre still kids In this relationship and I suspect you can't offer them what they need now. It will come across to them that all you want is forgiveness before you die. Instead you should be seeking a life with them.

So no, I don't think you should. I hope they've both received good care from other adults in their upbringing and good therapy to overcome the trauma they've undoubtedly experienced. That's what they need.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/04/2021 03:19

Would you have contacted her if you weren't ill? It doesn't sound like you would have.

nancywhitehead · 28/04/2021 04:23

@NickiNooNoo

Thank you for the replies and responses. I know that I was a terrible mother and put my girls through more pain and distress than any child should have to go through. I can't change the past but I want to put things right for all our sakes. Not just mine

I'm going to write a letter to each of my girls and ask my brother (I believe he knows where they are) to forward them. I understand they might not reply but I feel like I have to try

I wonder where you feel you would like this to go in terms of putting things right? What would be a good response for you?

As other people have said, it is very difficult to truly put things right in terms of a ruined childhood - you can never go back and get those years again. But what you could hope to do is try to build some kind of relationship with your daughter now that could be mutually respectful and kind. You will need to tread very carefully though.

I would recommend not sending on any kind of letter yet, but asking your brother to simply broach the subject with them, that you would like to make contact and see how they respond.

Sending a letter could drag up very traumatic things for both of them. I think it would be better if they don't hear from you directly in the first instance but get to say yes or no as to whether they would like contact. Then they get to set the agenda - reading a letter from you will be very intense and they will have no control over the content. It should be a conversation, a letter is too one-sided from your perspective. They are likely to read it out of curiosity but it could be very upsetting and cause even more issues than the direct FB message idea.

Good luck whatever you decide, but please try to make sure that whatever you do is carefully considering your daughters' needs as much as your own.

gutful · 28/04/2021 05:49

This reply has been deleted

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ilovesouthlondon · 28/04/2021 05:58

I think the letter is a good idea on the condition of asking your brother to ask for their permission first. Contact your brother and ask him to broach the subject with them. He can ask if its ok for you to send them the letter in the first place then take it from there.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/04/2021 06:00

I think you need to be realistic about what can and can't be put right here. This isn't some sort of fairytale and I agree with PP that you need to take a hard look at your motivations.

Happylittlethoughts · 28/04/2021 06:18

Why ? Is it for you or them?
Sounds like its your agenda entirely. Write a letter to each to be left to them.

RincewindsHat · 28/04/2021 06:24

It sounds rather like your primary reason is to do this for yourself and to offer explanations and reasons, and that just might not be welcomed.

You don't know how to 'put things right' because you don't know what your daughters need and you're not even talking about opening a conversation with them so that you can give them what they need, it sounds like you just want to get stuff off your chest so you can stop feeling guilty.

If I were them, I think I would want my mother to listen to me - it might be my anger and frustration and questions, and to give me honest answers and an apology for the specific things I mentioned rather than a letter making excuses that might just hurt me further and re-affirm that she's all about herself and hadn't even thought to have the respect to ask me what I needed from her.

mummabubs · 28/04/2021 06:40

As a lot of posts have already said the important part here is getting a third party to ask for their consent to receive a letter from you before they send it. Otherwise there's very little difference between you sending them a letter and sending a Facebook message.

BlessedDD · 28/04/2021 06:45

This is just horrible - you can’t put anything right - and you shouldn’t expect forgiveness. I don’t know what happened for you to loose your daughters but you’re the adult in all this... they were the children. Don’t ask for or expect forgiveness and I don’t think you deserve it - especially from them. If you get in touch understand they owe you nothing. A sorry just won’t cut it ..

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/04/2021 06:53

If my father contacted me via Facebook after all these years I'd explode with rage.
I agree with the others if you are going to do it get a proper intermediary.
Id be highly suspicious that .y fathers motives for contacting me would be pure selfish.

gdrcclmn · 28/04/2021 06:59

I know I'm just repeating what other posters have said but please stop saying "put things right". They will have trauma for the rest of their life thanks to their childhood, even if they did make contact and you apologized every single day, you will not be able to make anything right.

And personally, no, I wouldn't make contact. I had an estranged dad contact me at 18 after seeing him 3 times since my parents divorced when I was 2. My DB flat out ignored it, I attempted to visit but it was too painful. Honestly, as harsh as this sounds, I got some closure when he died because then I just had a dead dad, rather than a dad who could never be bothered with us.

Think extremely carefully about who exactly this is going to benefit.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/04/2021 07:07

@RickiTarr

I think you need a specialist intermediary who are trained to raise the subject gently and help facilitate communication.

A FB message is so sudden and intrusive that it’s more likely to get a shocked response or none at all.

A go-between is more likely to get an initial answer and to broker things if they’re bumpy.

I think this is good advice.

If they haven't tried to contact you themselves, it suggests that there is still much emotional pain involved. It will be much better for all of you if any initial contact is via a third party.

Your DDs will need time to come to terms with you wanting contact - it won't be straightforward.

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