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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make contact with my daughter

175 replies

NickiNooNoo · 27/04/2021 00:51

Long story short - I made some very stupid decisions many years ago. Because of these decisions I lost custody of (and subsequently contact with) both my daughters. They were 9 and 12 at the time. They were taken away by social services. One was placed with family and the other went into care. Both were angry at me and my choices and refused any contact at the time.

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry. However I am now in poor health and desperate to put things right before it's too late. I've found my eldest on Facebook. Wibu to send her a message?

OP posts:
Sweettruelies · 27/04/2021 06:17

I think a lot depends on why they were taken from you. If it was an addiction or mental health crisis that you’ve since sought help for and resolved - I might be open to it if it was my mum. If you chose a man over them - no way

OnlyInYourDreams · 27/04/2021 07:12

No.

The time to try to put things right was when you’d turned your life around not when you realised that it was what you wanted.

In fact I find it difficult to comprehend how someone can have their children taken from them and never get back in touch until it suited them.

From the children’s perspective you did whatever you did, which was bad enough for your children to not only be removed from you but be separated from each other. And only after 25/30 years did you decide to get back in touch, not because you want to put things right, but because you want to assuage your guilt before it’s too late.

It would be wrong for anyone to say that they were sorry for what you went through because none of us knows what that was. But we regularly have threads here from posters who went NC with their parents or whose parents were abusive when they were children and who try to get back in touch because of poor health, and overwhelmingly the response is that the poster shouldn’t feel they have to respond because they are the injured party.

MichelleScarn · 27/04/2021 07:17

In getting your life back on track and sorted in the last 20 years you never thought about getting into contact with them or at least the family one of your child was lucky enough to go to? Did you go on to have further children? Are you very ill and want to make closure, or do you want something from them? These are all things that would run through my head if I saw a message from a birth parent that hadn't been in touch for decades.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 27/04/2021 07:17

Your children are now adults, old enough that if they wanted contact with you, they would have been able to initiate this themselves. 20 years is a long time, I feel that you have left it too late. That being said, if you choose to get in contact with them, a letter via family members who know your children would be better than a message on Facebook.

Roselilly36 · 27/04/2021 07:25

I am NC with my mum and have been for many years. I never want anything to do with her, my life has been so much better without her in it. Leave your DD’s alone, they will contact you if they want to be in touch, but clearly if they are in their 30’s and haven’t done so, it’s very unlikely that they will want to hear from you. I think you will be setting yourself up for disappointment, and stirring up emotions for DD’s.

CantBeAssed · 27/04/2021 07:58

I know children that have been in the same situation as your children. Wheather or not they want contact with you, they need to hear your side of the story, from you and only you. They will have have questions that only you can answer. You habe no guarantee of the outcome but ypu do owe them that. Well done on getting your life back on track.

hellywelly3 · 27/04/2021 08:22

Please go through a specialist. You owe them it to do it right for there needs. A Facebook message is quick but their needs must be put first.

Imreaaaaady · 27/04/2021 08:22

If she wants to talk to you then she'll contact you. If I received a message out of the blue from my estranged father I'd be really fucked off. You made massive mistakes that led to your children being without their mum - even if you've sorted this out now it's your burden, not theirs.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 27/04/2021 08:36

Good for you turning your life around, but don’t message on FB. You’ve had 20 years to fix this and appear to only want to try and do so now because you’re in bad health. If you must, then go through proper channels, do not pop up on social media guilt tripping them into responding to you.
Take care.

ShirtyGertie · 27/04/2021 08:51

This is meant with good intent but what you call 'stupid decisions' has impacted their life in ways that can't be imagined and I think you should be reflecting on what is in their best interests.

I understand you wanting to contact them but I think a letter through a third party might be more appropriate. They can then choose if and when they read it and have some power around that. A facebook message out of the blue is not a very bad idea.

ShirtyGertie · 27/04/2021 08:52

Is a very bad idea!

ConfusedAdultFemale · 27/04/2021 09:00

I wouldn’t, you could end up screwing her life up more and causing her untold mental anguish. Had a parent attempt to get back in contact with me, still wish he was rotting in hell and still refused any contact.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/04/2021 09:03

Please don't get in touch on facebook. I'm NC with my dad and a few years ago his then wife sent me a message on Facebook out of the blue. I was furious.

Any contact should come from them if they want it.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm not interested in my dad's life, I couldn't care less about his health and wouldn't be interested in hearing from him. That's just how I feel after what he put me through in childhood.

swimlittlefishy · 27/04/2021 09:04

Since then I have turned my life around and put right the reasons my daughters were angry

You think they were angry? And you think you've fixed why?
I would leave them alone, as it would appear you have no insight at all into how they feel. And you are getting in touch for you, not for them.

Cocomarine · 27/04/2021 09:05

I only say yes, for your daughter - and in case she wants it.

You are doing this now, because you are ill. That’s selfish. Why not before?

Does the daughter who went into care gave no contact with her sister? Do you?

I absolutely would not dump this on her via Facebook. Definitely an intermediary. And drop any notions of “making it right” if that means because you’re ill she “has” to reconcile with you.

ToastandJamandTea · 27/04/2021 09:06

I'm in the same position at your daughter's.
I wouldn't want to hear from you. Especially at it sounds like it's very self serving.
You only want to get in contact now to absolve your guilt.

StormcloakNord · 27/04/2021 09:07

I would leave it well alone tbh. I don't mean to be harsh but you sound like you're messaging for you & your guilt rather than their well-being.

What you call "stupid decisions" were life-changing events for the kids and has ultimately changed the course of their entire life, and they will be very aware of that.

They weren't simply angry at your "stupid decisions" so it's unlikely you'll truly have fixed the issue - it's not nice to hear but they more than likely feel you ruined their life and hearing from you would do nothing but dredge up horrible memories and open a can of worms that would be hard to close emotionally.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/04/2021 09:10

I would get in touch with the extended family for cared for your DD first. Ask them what they think. Ask them to take their time to consider what they think is best for your DD. Offer to pay for them to talk it out with a qualified therapist.

Then accept with grace whatever they decide.

It’s not all about you. You made choices at the time. Those choices will impact on what your DC want to do now.

I think their wishes need to be paramount, not yours

Onesnowynight · 27/04/2021 09:16

I say no, leave well alone. All it’s going to do is drudge up unhappy memories for your daughters. You sound like (sorry I don’t mean to sound mean), as if you are doing it for yourself rather than their well being. Leave them be.

Cowbells · 27/04/2021 09:18

Go through an intermediary. After all you put them through, your focus now should be on their wellbeing and what they want and need, not what you want and need. If they want to see you (and I hope they do) then you know it is on their terms and not because of sudden undue pressure from you. You also need support in place if they say no, which they might. I know a few adopted adults who said no to birth parent requests. (I also know some massive success stories.)

Angrypregnantlady · 27/04/2021 09:21

No. If they wanted anything to do with you then they'd have found you.

And I can't imagine they'll get any benefit from "I know I fucked your life up but look, once I was rid of you I turned my life around and did everything I wouldn't do for you."

It will only benefit you. Let them get on with their lives. Don't put them through dredging up all their childhood trauma and then the turmoil of you dying and them not knowing how to feel.

Bastardchild · 27/04/2021 09:24

To echo other posters, don't just jump in with both feet, no matter how tempting.

You need to look at working through your own issues before you can be in a place to consider that and you need an intermediary to make any sort of approach to your daughters - who, should they be interested will also need to work through their feelings

I can't recommend this organisation highly enough from personal experience:

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/birth-parents/

DumplingsAndStew · 27/04/2021 09:25

I don't think you should. It sounds like you want to "put things right" for you, not for them, or you would have done it years ago.

Motnight · 27/04/2021 09:27

Op I think that you need professional help in really exploring why you feel the need to reach out to your dds now, and what you think that the consequences will be.

Good luck.

GrapeTwine · 27/04/2021 09:28

This happened to my friend not long ago. She spent her childhood with foster parents as her mum was addicted to drugs. She too had been separated from her siblings. She struggled so much growing up.

The FB message effected her greatly and not in a good way. It brought up a lot of pain for her and her "mother" was not very gracious when my friend asked her not to contact her again and blocked her. She started messaging on other accounts and all sorts. It was a real mess.

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