Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter asking to live with us ... aibu ..?

324 replies

Tiddleypoms · 26/04/2021 21:54

Dd has decided to leave uni degree and do a sport course to work in that industry. She needs to save and has asked to move in with us. We recently downsized and have a small house.
Dd is fab . However, she has got used to living independantly and at 22 she has developed her own ways . Music on , messy, likes freq company and tv i really dont like such as goggle box amd rhe like.
Myself and dh are v different.. we like a quiet life and spend solitary hours gardening , reading etc..
Whilst I know we will be pleased to see her initailly and vica verca..history shows that after about 4 day s we start to equally annoy each other . ..
In my heart.i just know that it would not be a good move for her or us if she moved in with us .. tho of course I wd say she could. Is there a way of kindly pointing out that whislt she would be welcome here daily it would be best for all if she had a flat nearby ... it is the truth. We could help pay. I just dont know if its bu to even discuss as dont want make her feel unwelcome ..

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/04/2021 07:54

The loud music would be a firm no go for me. I never went through a blast music phase and simply cannot abide it at all. Ever. Bloody hate other people's loud music. That would be my serious ground rule. And mess.

stackemhigh · 27/04/2021 07:55

@TheGlassBlowersDaughter

But you aren't meeting her needs. You haven't even explored them in your posts. She wants to be at home and she wants to save.
OP is offering to contribute to living costs, that counts as trying to meet her needs.

You write as though she's an inconvenient lodger.

That’s a consequence of DD’s own shitty behaviour in her parents’ house.

likeamillpond · 27/04/2021 07:59

I feel your pain.
As much as I love my children it's great when they finally leave home.
No mess. No mood swings. No having to cook meals if you don't want to.
Less washing.
I wouldn't be happy.
Don't let people guilt trip you.
If you are backed into a corner set some ground rules.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 27/04/2021 08:09

Where did she stay during the holidays then?

Do you really need telling? Christ on a bike you effectively made her homeless as soon as she went to Uni?

MeanderingGently · 27/04/2021 08:11

Personally, I wouldn't have my adult children living with me, not now they are independent adults.

I would advise you to say no, for all the reasons you have cited here. You have brought up your children and (presumably) given them everything...they have the rest of their lives to live as they wish, and so do you. You deserve peace and a quiet life, it's what you've worked for. Besides which, bailing out adult children, even in a kindly they're-saving-up-for-a-property way, is not allowing them to be entirely responsible for themselves.

But you need to be very clear in a proper conversation with your daughter. Explain you have thought about it very carefully and you have decided on balance it wouldn't work. You love seeing her and would be happy to have her nearby but not living in now. Explain, as you've done here, that you want a quiet life, and that you don't want music, mess, student visitors, someone else in the bathroom and all the rest of it. Stop feeling guilty about that, don't be guilt-tripped.

I was always grateful for the independence my own parents installed in me and I did the same for my own two once they were grown up. It hasn't altered my relationship with them, and of course I still help out when necessary (recently my son moved to a new place and I went over to help scrub out the kitchen etc.) But they wouldn't be moving in.

TheUndoingProject · 27/04/2021 08:12

Why not behave like an adult yourself and have a conversation about your expectations and house rules.

Refusing to give your 22 year old houseroom seems very extreme.

FoolsAssassin · 27/04/2021 08:14

That’s one of my nightmares, my 22 year old DD saying she wants to move back!

Don’t think I could actually say no and we’ve said even if we move there will always be a room for her but it’s easy to say that as she hates the area we live in and it’s a standing joke with her friends that she doesn’t stay here long.

Think in your situation she is absolutely welcome to come home and will be lovely to have her but you feel that it would be a bit of a shock to the system after being independent and that you think it would cramp her style so what about she comes back for a few weeks and you help her find something so she can continue live independently and you are happy to contribute to enable her to do that.

Fastforwardtospring · 27/04/2021 08:16

She went to Uni and you downsized, I’m all for down sizing in later life but I will always have a room for any of my DC, might not be what they were used to in current family home, and of course they can move back as long as respectful of our house, our rules, you might find she doesn’t want to stay!

Meruem · 27/04/2021 08:16

The one thing on these threads that never makes sense to me is on the one hand people are saying that these young people are adults. On the other hand they’re saying they wouldn’t want them living at home because they’ll act like teenagers!

I have adult DC at home currently (mostly down to covid). They wouldn’t play loud music because they’re not selfish. If they want to listen to loud music they stick headphones on. Being adults they understand that everyone chips in with chores and keeping the home nice. They have bedrooms and if they want to watch stuff they do it on their laptops, although DD and I do have a couple of shows we watch together in the living room. I never had to set “ground rules” because, as people keep saying, they are adults and they act accordingly. My family isn’t unusual in this. I have friends with adult DC at home for various reasons, and I know their DC are also respectful of the home.

OP, one thing that doesn’t make sense to me in your posts is that you say you’re on a limited income yet could help with rent? Would the financials really work? There will be bills etc on top of rent. It’s not necessarily a bad idea but have you thought it through fully?

CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 08:17

What age were you when you left home and never again returned to live in the family home OP?

How much "help" do you propose to guve your daughter in setting up a single person hoiesehild in a flat nearby? If you've sold the family home to downsize, presumably you are quite cash rich and it would be a good idea from an IHT planning point of view to simply buy her a flat or give her a large deposit?

Didn't your dd effectively leave home at 18 to go to university, which is really young? Why would you assume she would still play loud music in the same way as when she was a teenager and at school? Has she lived at home at all since oeavi g for university at 18?

So many unanswered questions, but it dues give the impression you want shot of her, so goodness knows how yiur daughter must feel.

Howshouldibehave · 27/04/2021 08:18

She needs to save and has asked to move in with us

Will living in a flat on her own help her do this?

helpmemakeit · 27/04/2021 08:19

I find your viewpoint odd.

Cowbells · 27/04/2021 08:20

Just tell her that she's welcome to move back but you want peace and quiet so can she listen to her music/watch gogglebox in her bedroom with headphones on. And please can she cook for the family twice a week and be responsible for set chores around the house (hoovering the stairs! Grin) as well as her own laundry.

It's not going to be all difficult. Adult DC can stop us getting set in our ways. Introduce us to new recipes, new music and films, new points of view.

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 08:20

So now it's "really young" to leave for university at 18 Hmm. Nowhere has the OP said that her DD could not stay during university holidays and nor does it say that there is no room for her.

bigbluebus · 27/04/2021 08:20

One thing I've learnt from being on Mumsnet is to really appreciate how very different everyone's lives are. It seems that some people just don't grasp that! Suggestions that the poster just converts a room, put the DD in a separate living room, put a lodge at the bottom of the garden, for example, just shows how little insight into the lives of most of the population some MN posters have. Similarly on posts where people are in dire straits with money, cries of borrow money from family or put it on credit card!
OP I feel your pain. My DS has bounced back home from Uni once after dropping out for a year and with Covid has spent a lot more time at home this year. I fully expect him to return home again in the next few months whilst finishing his Masters (after his house contract runs out) and anticipate him being here for a while. I love him dearly - he is my only surviving child after his sister died a few years ago - but living with him is stressful after having the house mainly to ourselves. I will be laying down some ground rules (mainly around mess/cleaning) otherwise I will constantly be nagging and stressing which will be no good for any of us. We haven't 'downsized' so don't have quite the same issues as you have, but in view of the fact that you have I think you should have an adult discussion with your DD about how this situation will/will not work and how she either needs to change her habits to consider the rest of the household or work out how she can live elsewhere with whatever support you can give her.

Livelovebehappy · 27/04/2021 08:25

I would absolutely welcome her back home. It’s temporary whilst she gets her career off the ground. Just set house rules before she moves back re music, messiness etc. The choice is then hers as to whether she wants to live within your rules, or if she decides not to and get a small house share somewhere.

OrangeRug · 27/04/2021 08:28

I moved out at 21 and split with my then partner at 23. I asked my Mum if I could move home and she said I could but the the dogs I'd acquired would have to live at my Grandads. I didn't want to do that and tbh I really didn't want to move home (and I knew she didn't really want me back either) , I just thought I couldn't afford to live alone.
Anyway I was able to claim working tax credits to top up my low income and I absolutely LOVED living alone. I am so glad my Mum said no. I'm married with a child now and I miss it! I love her dearly but we do not get along when we live together. We argued constantly when I lived at home and that was before I'd even experienced independence. I could never have gone back. Just be honest with your DD and tell her whilst you love her and love her company, once a young adult has moved out and developed their own ways and routines,it is really really hard to move back into your parents' home and that you feel it would be damaging for your relationship. I'd make it clear that of course she's welcome if she ever genuinely had nowhere else to go but you think it's best for all of you if she continues to live independently.

CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 08:30

@rookiemere

So now it's "really young" to leave for university at 18 Hmm. Nowhere has the OP said that her DD could not stay during university holidays and nor does it say that there is no room for her.
It's not really young to go to university at 18, but it's really young to lose your family home and not be welcome back.

It happened to me, cand it creates a certain feeling of insecurity in the pit of your stoanxh, as you send your first year holiday in halls along with all the foreign students who can't go hone either, Easter hols staying with a kind friend and their concerned parents and every summer afterwards in jobs with live in accommodation included.

It's also notable how those parents who had no time for you when you were 19 - 29 change their time when their health starts to fail. Unfortunately, by that time, they've trained you to be so independent that you don't have much time for them either, as living independently that young basically uses all your energy. I wasn't there when either of my patents died - I was too busy working abroad.

rookiemere · 27/04/2021 08:34

@CirclesWithinCircles but nowhere has OP said that her DD did not stay with them during uni holidays.
When she says she downsized - due to leaving work due to a traumatic incident- it doesn't say to a one bedroom flat.
I'm assuming there is a room that the DD can stay in, but she also likes to turn the music on in the shared area, hog the tv and leave mess everywhere. How would OP know she did this unless she has been witness to it during university holidays?

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 27/04/2021 08:35

I think you are being entirely reasonable, OP. I paid part of my DDs rent at a similar age and gave her money later when she needed it for a house deposit - chances are she wouldn’t have saved it.

DSis has had her DD home for 3 years ‘saving’ in her late 20s. By the time she left she’d saved nothing and almost destroyed their relationship.

OrangeRug · 27/04/2021 08:36

Although one question I do have is what arrangement was in place before? Am I right that she's effectively just changed uni courses? Cause if my DD moved away to uni I'd expect her to move back afterwards. I went back home after dropping out of uni but when I properly moved out I was working. Sorry I haven't RTFT.

Tal45 · 27/04/2021 08:38

I felt pushed out of home and ended up marrying someone I shouldn't have as a result. Not saying this will happen of course just that's why I'd always have my dc back - but with pre agreed rules of course.

CirclesWithinCircles · 27/04/2021 08:44

[quote rookiemere]@CirclesWithinCircles but nowhere has OP said that her DD did not stay with them during uni holidays.
When she says she downsized - due to leaving work due to a traumatic incident- it doesn't say to a one bedroom flat.
I'm assuming there is a room that the DD can stay in, but she also likes to turn the music on in the shared area, hog the tv and leave mess everywhere. How would OP know she did this unless she has been witness to it during university holidays?[/quote]
The OP has been remarkably vague about whether the daughter stayed with them during university holidays.

In fact, since it's only April and the daughter has left her uni course part way through, it seems odd that the OP would object to her staying with her as a non student, but happily accept her as a student.

I can't answer your question - the OP really has been very vague about the details, but from the fuss she is making about a student age daughter returning home, it does seem likely that the daughter hasn't stayed at home for a while.

Holly60 · 27/04/2021 08:50

You were very quick to downsize the moment she left for university! We’ve recently had to upsize due to the arrival of a number of grandchildren over the last few years - we couldn’t get everyone in for Christmas Grin

mamamalt · 27/04/2021 08:52

I'm surprised at the replies! At 22 I would have rather anything thankve home, asking would have been a last resort. If my parents had offered to help pay for somewhere I would have been over the moon! Best option in my opinion! And I'm sure she's not comfortable asking for money help so has just asked to live in instead.