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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Varicose veins and 'd'p ...

173 replies

AnxiousWeirdo · 26/04/2021 16:37

This sounds really stupid even writing this but we're having a disagreement and I figure the sharp minds of aibu can help settle it.

I never have my legs out, ever, I have real body confidence issues. I'm a bit over weight (size 16 and 5'11) but I've lost 2 dress sizes in the last year.

I've been wearing shorts today, just normal 'mum' shorts. I felt really proud of myself for even buying them and personally I'm sick of being hot and covered up when it's warm out. I was planning on heading out in a few to pick up a few bits ..in my shorts.

I've just sat down for 10 minutes next to dp and he's talking about something, half way through he says "you need to put your legs away that vein is awful". I basically said ..what? "You should cover up your leg the vein is freaking me out".

I've reiterated the "what?" With something along the lines of what I've said to you guys, that the one time I have my legs out he picks on my vein and makes me feel really crap. I realised that with the way I'm sitting he can't even see the dreaded vein. To which he's explained that he can see all my other veins and he saw THE vein when I was putting moisturiser on a bit ago. He's called me sensitive and thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion. I think he's a dick.

( I understand this sounds childish but I'm genuinely curious as to whether I'm sensitive or not)

Also, I developed the vein during pregnancy with his child...

Go on, let me have it.

OP posts:

Plumplumbadum · 26/04/2021 21:24

@VictoriaLudorum

So you are fat and have varicose veins? Why not do something about the situation? Grow up!

I can't believe you posted that. You're an absolute charmer aren't you.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 26/04/2021 21:25

VictoriaLudorum not even youth could excuse your vile comment

Tangledtresses · 26/04/2021 21:25

I have varicose veins no one has ever commented on them..... he's an arse! Go fo your thing free your self and love your life
I think your daughter would benefit too 😀😀

TheChosenTwo · 26/04/2021 21:28

@VictoriaLudorum and ops not so Dp should fuck off and be miserable cunts together and leave OP to live her life happily free of negative derogatory arseholes.

DaphneDuBois · 26/04/2021 21:32

Oh, you are not SO being unreasonable. It takes some of us courage to show our bodies and he’s just being incredibly unkind to point out things which have now led to you feeling self-conscious. Is he a bloody male model himself?! And even if he was, what makes him think he can behave like a arse?

JackieLavertysWeirdVoice · 26/04/2021 21:34

Oh god, those 'grow up' comments are the staple spewings of the truly puerile.

DaphneDuBois · 26/04/2021 21:34

VictoriaLudorum what the actual fuck made you type that nasty comment and send it to another human being who is upset? Do one, seriously.

DrSbaitso · 26/04/2021 21:41

I'm not beautiful but I've never had a man who didn't think I was, or make me feel it. I cannot see the point otherwise. It is devastating to have your appearance pulled apart by someone who is supposed to love you and I would not come back from it if he tried it. I am sure you're right when you say he has a few flaws himself.

There is nothing wrong with your or your body but there is something very wrong with this weak, negging little pissant you've got there. If he doesn't think you're beautiful (and I'm sure you are) then maybe you can find yourself an actual man who doesn't get his knickers in a twist at the sight of a perfectly normal female leg and who indeed will worship your legs as the temple pillars that they are.

He doesn't actually find you unattractive anyway, he just doesn't want you feeling attractive. And what is the point of a so-called man like that?

DrSbaitso · 26/04/2021 21:52

Oh my God, I missed the bit where you're having a cancer scare.

And this is what he does? So glad you're leaving. No you are not overreacting. Fuck him and the horse he slimed in on. Fuck him forever.

billy1966 · 26/04/2021 23:14

He's such a pig OP.

Well done on your weight loss.

Not easy at all, especially in the past year.

SunnyCoco · 26/04/2021 23:26

Hi OP

Just wanted to say you sound like you are really strong, and really getting your shit together

Weight loss
Getting out of debt
Completing courses to help employability

All these things will make his behaviour worse / harsher as he sees how you are getting stronger.
Keep going. You're blossoming.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 26/04/2021 23:31

Who even notices that sort of thing, let alone comments on it?! I bet no-one else would even register your veins, sounds like he's looking for ways to be nasty. And if a normal part of the body offends him so much, that's his problem.
He's maybe realised he's seriously punching above his weight and is worried you'll realise and leave (and I wouldn't blame you!).

Orgasmagorical · 27/04/2021 07:20

Anxious I'm sorry you're going through this, so much of what you say is resonating with me, I hear you.

I feel different this time, like I checked out months ago.

When I realised that my ex was being abusive I kind of checked out, stopped sitting there listening to his ranting at me, walked away when he started - that's when he upped it. Do be careful, he will try everything to keep you hanging on.

You sound like you're doing all the right things in preparation but you are going through such a lot just now, do you have RL support?

Kidssendingmenuts · 27/04/2021 07:37

I have a giant vein on my leg, I mean massive it literally may as well have it's own face, it snakes down my upper leg and behind my knee. I usually wear knee length shorts but now and again I'll go crazy and wear proper shorts, if anyone has a problem with the vein they can look away and piss off. It doesn't bother me so why should I bother them. Your husband sounds like an insensitive doofus. I'm quite witty though and would go at him with a come back about you having to look at his face everyday.
But honestly he clearly is insensitive, it's his problem not yours, be strong and get those legs out. Nothing worse being warm all the time xxxx

notthemum · 27/04/2021 09:33

Op. Please ignore disgusting posts like the one from Victorialudorum.
Perhaps she is waiting in the wings to take your 'amazing' dp or dh (sorry can't rember which) from you (says hopefully).
Anyway WELL DONE on your weight loss. Plum dress sounds fab. I love plum.
Don't know if it works but have seen some cream for varicose veins so might be worth a look BUT only if you want to do this for You.
As for the hair incident, he obviously thought that you would get more attention with it like that and he couldn't stand the thought.
You need to stand tall, wear what you like, be proud of yourself and get rid of him asap. He is a total piece of shit. You deserve someone much better . 💐

aiwblam · 27/04/2021 09:42

I’m glad to see you’re not married to him - hopefully that will make splitting easier. Varicose veins are a perfectly ordinary thing and you should definitely wear shorts in the heat. You don’t sound that overweight anyway - at 5 foot 11, a size 16 probably looks like the equivalent of a size 12 at 5 foot 5.

Original poster

AnxiousWeirdo · 27/04/2021 10:08

Thank you everyone, I'm really sorry some of you have experienced abusive partners but it does raise my hopes about leaving and being truly happy. He was snippy with me this morning, I don't know why (I've been in bed with DD for 3 nights as she's poorly).

To try and answer a couple of questions, I don't have much support in real life, I'm close to my sil, she'll support me when I leave and has been great listening to me for years, she tries to stay neutral most of the time as her husband is his brother and they're very close, I wouldn't expect her to be different though, she has a right not to feel like she's in an awkward position.

I'm currently looking at houses, 2 slipped past me when he convinced me to stay and I'm gutted, though now I can keep the car I can look a bit further afield which is good.

Also thank you for all of your weight loss compliments 😊 I'm one size bigger than I was before I had DD and I was actually proud of how I looked then!

We had a row about a wedding outfit the other day, I found one that I think is gorgeous, it's a long sleeved, boho, maxi that shows off the assets! I thought I looked nice in it (being so tall and having weight problems I can never find clothes that fit right) so I came down, close your eyes etc, he hated it. It really got to me. I mean he has every right not to like it but we had 3 arguments about it, he keeps looking at other dresses for me to wear instead but it's driving him mad that I'm not changing my mind and going with his opinion. His sister's both love it as does sil so I will absolutely be wearing the dress, I will also be getting my hair cut how I like for the wedding! I'm going for a shag....because who doesn't need one of those right

Sorry if I've missed anyone's question!

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 27/04/2021 10:20

I bet the dress looked stunning and that's exactly why the abusive piece of shit didn't like it. Can't have you growing a grain of self esteem, you might realise what an arsehole he is and ditch him as he deserves.

He's no man. When you leave, make sure you leave your daughter's pram behind so he can throw his toys out.

Original poster

AnxiousWeirdo · 27/04/2021 10:24

@DrSbaitso

I have to say that I love the language you use 😂 it really cheers me up

OP posts:

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 27/04/2021 10:27

@DrSbaitso

He's no man. When you leave, make sure you leave your daughter's pram behind so he can throw his toys out.

Absolutely agree with this. Partners in a relationship support each other. His role is to hold you up like you hold him up. If he’s not making you feel like you’re the best and most important thing in his life then he’s doing it wrong - and you shouldn’t have to settle for someone who actively makes you feel worse about yourself. You wouldn’t let a friend do it.

I’d be telling him not to worry, he’s seen my vein for the least time, because he’s moving out.

DrSbaitso · 27/04/2021 10:38

[quote AnxiousWeirdo]@DrSbaitso

I have to say that I love the language you use 😂 it really cheers me up[/quote]
Good. Remember, he's not a tower of intimidation and authority. He's a fucking joke.

Orgasmagorical · 27/04/2021 18:45

he hated it

I agree with DrSbaitso, he didn't like that you looked great in it!

I don't think I was ever told I looked good, everything was always "fine" - that was the most positive reaction I ever got arsehole.

it does raise my hopes about leaving and being truly happy

I can't recommend it highly enough . You'll have wobbles and tricky times but they're part of any aspect of life, the main thing is you'll not be being ground down by a weak and insecure 'man' (or fucking joke as DrS so rightly puts it ).

Orgasmagorical · 27/04/2021 18:47

I meant to say if you need help with anything at all Women's Aid can be invaluable. You sound like you're quite far on in your process but I'm sure they'd be happy to help if you're needing something other than SiL can give you

Original poster

AnxiousWeirdo · 27/04/2021 20:02

I've been a bit difficult for him today I won't lie, my new rule is if you're going to say something horrible / be a dick / be generally crappy then those little things you want me to do for you ain't gonna get done. He wants me to pick up a parcel for him, he was being a dick so I said I'm not doing it.. and I'm bloody well not! This is a massive deal to be fair because in 8 years he's never set foot inside a shop. Oh well, tough luck. He was a bit of an arse regarding food so I didn't cook dinner either. I didn't clean up this morning and my daughter's still poorly so we did crafting and played Minecraft together. He was home by 12 and got moody because he "had to clean up", my reply was that if he ever does a full day's work at some point then the cleaning will most likely be done before he gets home. None of the things he's said have been a big deal or anything but I keep thinking back to the vein comments and me thinking those weren't a big deal either when they clearly are. I'm not tolerating anything from now on and if he doesn't like it he can bloody well sod off somewhere else. I also went out to run errands earlier and I was gone twice as long as I should have been because I treated myself to a McDonald's and some people and quiet in a car park!

Anyway can I show you the dress? 😁

OP posts:

Original poster

AnxiousWeirdo · 27/04/2021 20:03

That should read "peace and quiet" obviously...

OP posts:

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