Varicose veins and 'd'p ...

[AnxiousWeirdo]

This sounds really stupid even writing this but we're having a disagreement and I figure the sharp minds of aibu can help settle it.

I never have my legs out, ever, I have real body confidence issues. I'm a bit over weight (size 16 and 5'11) but I've lost 2 dress sizes in the last year.

I've been wearing shorts today, just normal 'mum' shorts. I felt really proud of myself for even buying them and personally I'm sick of being hot and covered up when it's warm out. I was planning on heading out in a few to pick up a few bits ..in my shorts.

I've just sat down for 10 minutes next to dp and he's talking about something, half way through he says "you need to put your legs away that vein is awful". I basically said ..what? "You should cover up your leg the vein is freaking me out".

I've reiterated the "what?" With something along the lines of what I've said to you guys, that the one time I have my legs out he picks on my vein and makes me feel really crap. I realised that with the way I'm sitting he can't even see the dreaded vein. To which he's explained that he can see all my other veins and he saw THE vein when I was putting moisturiser on a bit ago. He's called me sensitive and thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion. I think he's a dick.

( I understand this sounds childish but I'm genuinely curious as to whether I'm sensitive or not)

Also, I developed the vein during pregnancy with his child...

Go on, let me have it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I think he's a dick."

So do I.

[NoBetterthanSheShouldBe]

He’s freaked out about the sight of a varicose vein that he’s presumably quite familiar with? That’s a delicate little flower you have there.

Tell him to grow up.

[Phineyj]

I have bad lumpy veins. I finally got something done about them 2 years ago when my 5 year said in the pool: 'mummy, why are you so lumpy?

Think about that. Your DP has less maturity than a 5 year old.

[GoodbyePorpoiseSpit]

Poor you. He sounds like a truly nasty man.

[MarcelinesMa]

@AnxiousWeirdo

Thank you everyone. I've been coming to the conclusion that he's emotionally abusive but with my screwy childhood I find it really difficult to understand that sometimes it's not actually me and it is in fact the other persons fault if you know what I mean.

He’s a cunt. It’s interesting that you say you think he’s emotionally abusive but you’re not totally sure because of your “screwy childhood”. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and I truly believe my ex partner exploited that and I was a perfect target for his abuse.

Trust your instincts, wear what you like and think about whether you want a future with someone you think is emotionally abusive.

[Tiredmum100]

Oh gosh, you're not with my ex are you. My dumb ass of an ex told me my veins in my legs were disgusting too. What a fucking knob. Dh wouldn't and hasn't critised my body, not once.

[JackieLavertysWeirdVoice]

I'm glad this thread is good for thought, @AnxiousWeirdo. And you're not a weirdo. You're fine.

[CupoTeap]

How dare he

[Voomster953]

@AnxiousWeirdo That is incredibly unkind. What a thoughtless piece of shit he is.

[Chloemol]

He is nasty. Every time he mentions something about you point out his flaws every.single.time.

[FindingMeno]

I have thread veins on my legs from pregnancy and I'm really conscious of them.
Not one person has said anything to me, because a) its not something people do, and
b) when you look at a person overall it's really not that obvious.

He is deliberately putting you down and trying to make you feel like shit.
That's not OK.

[SeaTurtles92]

Erm fuck that prick and rock your shorts.

He just trying to put you down. Don't let him win!

[littlepattilou]

@AnxiousWeirdo Wow, I am gobsmacked. What a bastard!

IMO, he is jealous and threatened by you losing weight. You probably look great, and he is trying to put you down, and he is negging you.

If I were you, I would be kicking him to the kerb. If we have no commitments, (like kids,) I would dump his sorry ass.

I would NEVER let him see me naked again, if he criticized my body. And it would be game over.

OMG, I am fuming on your behalf! Seriously!

[Lanique]

Oh my god.
You poor thing.
I have a varicose vein thanks to dd2, and it's made me even more conscious of my legs. Thankfully dh tells me not to be ridiculous. He'd never say something like that because he knows how much it would hurt me!

[anxietyaunt]

Very nasty. I wonder if your losing weight has prompted such a disgusting comment. Ie that he’s one of the “treat em mean, keep em keen” brigade in case you start to realise how gorgeous you really are and decide you can do better than him.

I know what you mean about being unsure about whether you are right to be upset because of your childhood. And agree with a PP that some people use that to their advantage to treat you badly. Have you tried counselling to deal with that?

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm going to be honest but I'm truly shocked at the reactions here. I've been with him for 8 years now and this is such a minor thing that he's said compared to other stuff I was even debating that it warranted a reaction at all :/.

You desperately need to raise your standards. Do you really want to waste another 8 years on this cruel fuckwit? This is as good as it gets for you?

[MumInBrussels]

Your partner is a dick. If this were a one-off thoughtless comment, he'd still be a dick. Since it's apparently just one in a string of abusive, belittling comments, I'd be reconsidering whether you're getting much out of this relationship.

Most people wouldn't say anything like that to a stranger, let alone someone they're supposed to love. Especially if they already knew the person they were picking on was worried about this.

If he's not normally a dick, talk to him and tell him how much his comments upset you. You shouldn't need to do this, but spelling it out (if he's a sane, relatively normal person) should make it clear to him why he needs to profusely apologise to you.

Lastly, I bet you looked great in the shorts! I have never, ever noticed if someone else has varicose veins when they're wearing shorts/skirts/dresses, so please don't worry that anyone other than your arsehole partner will even notice, let alone think anything negative. (I have varicose veins after pregnancy. No one has ever said anything, but anyone who wants to comment on it can fuck off - I've grown whole new people in my body, of course there's going to be some collateral damage! Some people die in childbirth - if the worst I have to worry about as a lasting side effect is some knobbly veins, I reckon I'm doing ok.)

[AnxiousWeirdo]

He's always been like this. I had a pixie cut a few years ago and he ignored me whilst we were in public on holiday for 2 weeks. He wouldn't sit next to me on the beach on anything because he was ashamed of how I looked and embarrassed and be didn't want people to think we were together. I mean I have a pretty short memory when people have been horrible or whatever and I'm a very much forgive and forget person but lately I've been "cleaning house" ...with my mother as a catalyst for that actually.

I've been making steps to leave him recently. Like I've made sure my name is on the lease for the house as if anything happened I had no legal leg to stand on, I've been doing courses to help me into employment as he's always convinced me not to work so I'm financially screwed, I've paid off the car so I don't have to worry about that anymore and I've told his sister about some of his behaviour (he upset me the other day about a dress I want to wear for a wedding), I know she's on my side when I do leave.

He has phases where he's really nice, well actually this is one of his phases but this has happened so maybe I'm completely brainwashed...anyway the niceness makes me doubt myself and then it starts over again. I feel different this time, like I checked out months ago.

I have a 6 year old daughter with anxiety problems and depression so I can't just up and go, so I'm making sure things are in place first.

[Whitegrapewine]

Your daughter's anxiety might improve if you're not in this situation.

[AnxiousWeirdo]

I'm aware of this thank you

[MarcelinesMa]

@Whitegrapewine

Your daughter's anxiety might improve if you're not in this situation.

Absolutely. My children both have behaviour issues and/or anxiety. It’s been much better for them and easier to tackle since I left their abusive father and they see a lot less of him. If I had left many years before I actually did I honestly think they’d not have as many problems as they have had. Ironically one reason I stayed as long as I did was because I was scared of fucking up their lives. Mostly because he put that idea in my head.

[JackieLavertysWeirdVoice]

Are you planing to leave, or break up and try to get him to leave, OP? What help do you need?

[GrumpyHoonMain]

He sounds like an arse. Dump him.

Meanwhile are you getting treatment for yours? Mine have resulted in discolouring but doctors want me to wait until I’m totally done having kids (and ivf) before treating and I’m not sure I can wait that long.

[Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons]

He has phases where he's really nice, well actually this is one of his phases but this has happened so maybe I'm completely brainwashed...anyway the niceness makes me doubt myself and then it starts over again.
This is classic abuser behaviour
Could you try the freedom program as a way to see his behaviour without the warping lens of your childhood?
You sound like you’re getting stronger by the day

[Embroideredstars]

He is a twat, glad you're making plans to leave. I hope your daughter's anxiety improves too