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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

146 replies

Giraffle · 26/04/2021 08:47

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

OP posts:
violetbunny · 26/04/2021 08:49

Of course YANBU. I work from home some days, and it's just as busy as being in the office. Next time it's his turn!

Echobelly · 26/04/2021 08:51

It is annoying - it's fallen out that way with us because DH has most worked on contracts so is only paid when he can work and has a job where he spends a lot of the time in meetings/on the phone and I don't.

It's kind of a non-issue now our kids are old enough not to need constant supervision and fortunately they were seldom ill when little (childcare issues were a more common problem). I could generally make it work around my job but I an imagine it being a lot more of a pain for other people.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2021 08:51

You cannot attribute your partners lack of being a willing parent to all other people on earth.

Many families take turns to cover childcare/emergencies.

You dont actually have to settle for this.

UserTwice · 26/04/2021 08:53

So your issue is that your partner expects you to be the one to take time off? You can't extrapolate this to all families. DH and I always split covering sick time between us, and many of my male colleagues actually cover more than their female partners as it's easier for them to do so.

Proper conversation needed. Actually (I know it's of no use now to OP, but maybe for others reading the thread) this sort of thing should really be agreed before you have children.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 08:54

You are in danger of losing your job it carries on that way. My partner agreed when we discussed having a baby it needs to be as close to 50/50 as possible.

Hardbackwriter · 26/04/2021 08:55

Well, you're completely not being unreasonable but you make it sound like it's an established system at fault rather than just your partner being shit? It's not like women are given extra leave or something - the only reason it works like this in your house is because you allow it to. We take it in turns and always have, ever since we both went back to work (we did shared parental leave so both had a stint at home with the baby). There is some allowance for if one of us has something that would be a particularly big deal to miss that day (and when I started a new job DH did all the days off needed when DS got ill three weeks in) but in general the base assumption is that we take it in turns.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 08:56

YABU to assume every family has this issue though

Anycrispsleft · 26/04/2021 08:56

No YANBU and ppl will come on and tell you you have a DH problem but it's not just you. You never hear any blokes bemoaning that their DW doesn't take her fair share of childcare emergencies. And in the pandemic it's mostly been women who did the lion's share of childcare and juggling. It's like, every family makes its own decisions and yet somehow those decisions always end up with the woman's career being the one to suffer unless she can work double speed or else rely on her mum. It's this massive elephant in the room.

NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 08:58

YABU. It’s very much shared here and always has been. But then I think (&he thinks) my job is more important than his although pays much less (theatre nurse).

DarcyLewis · 26/04/2021 08:58

My partner is not like this.

Sounds like you need a serious discussion with yours about his sexist attitudes towards you.

Jumpers268 · 26/04/2021 08:58

It's split pretty evenly here, although he tends to take more time off than me as I get paid more per hour (I work PT), and neither of us get paid if we take dependent leave. Of course YANBU to be annoyed that he just expects it.

Timeforabiscuit · 26/04/2021 08:59

We always took turns unless someone had something big at work, DH found it more difficult to get the time off as it was expected his wife or mother would do it and he had to be quite clear and pointed to their parent leave policy.

This was ten years ago so I hope attitudes have changed!

NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 09:00

@Anycrispsleft

No YANBU and ppl will come on and tell you you have a DH problem but it's not just you. You never hear any blokes bemoaning that their DW doesn't take her fair share of childcare emergencies. And in the pandemic it's mostly been women who did the lion's share of childcare and juggling. It's like, every family makes its own decisions and yet somehow those decisions always end up with the woman's career being the one to suffer unless she can work double speed or else rely on her mum. It's this massive elephant in the room.
My experience of friends in the pandemic has been very much the opposite. My female friends tend to work out of the home in keyworker roles and have continued to do, their husbands tend to be in management or professional positions where they were forced to stay home and so had taken on the childcare. I’ve excluded my NHS friends for this comparison.
TheHumanSatsuma · 26/04/2021 09:01

I was a teacher when my children were small. My husband could take leave whenever he wanted so he usually took time off if it was needed.

He was often the one who went to special assemblies etc.

Lofu · 26/04/2021 09:02

In our house we compare calendars and whoever has the least busy day or can move their meetings does the emergency childcare.

YANBU but you and your DH are doing it wrong.

Neonprint · 26/04/2021 09:03

What @Hardbackwriter said....

Well, you're completely not being unreasonable but you make it sound like it's an established system at fault rather than just your partner being shit?

spottygymbag · 26/04/2021 09:03

It's shared care here. We're in the midst of a run of colds, tummy bugs and now conjunctivitis. DH and I have a conversation about what we've got on that can or can't be shifted and both chip in. Last week he had a series of presentations and key meetings (zoom but vital not to be interrupted) so I was on sick kid duty, this week it's the opposite and he has spent today wfh and administering antibiotics and eye drops.
It wasn't always this way though- it took both of us being in family friendly companies with decent bosses.

DarcyLewis · 26/04/2021 09:04

@Anycrispsleft

No YANBU and ppl will come on and tell you you have a DH problem but it's not just you. You never hear any blokes bemoaning that their DW doesn't take her fair share of childcare emergencies. And in the pandemic it's mostly been women who did the lion's share of childcare and juggling. It's like, every family makes its own decisions and yet somehow those decisions always end up with the woman's career being the one to suffer unless she can work double speed or else rely on her mum. It's this massive elephant in the room.
It’s true the sexism is both a societal problem, but also something that individual men perpetuate in their own families. The DH problem is of course influenced by the wider social problem.

Just because society is sexist doesn’t make it acceptable for the OPs partner to treat her in a sexist way though. He needs to change.

Angrypregnantlady · 26/04/2021 09:04

I never understand why people make these issues about the outside world. This is an issue in your relationship. Your husband prioritises his work over yours. It's not women always being expected to be the main parent. It's that in your relationship you sacrifice your work for his and he expects this.

It's a problem in society because a lot of women and their husband's do the same thing. But it's not an issue to tackle in society, it's an issue to tackle in your own home.

ShirleyPhallus · 26/04/2021 09:06

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

This might be true for you but it isn’t for everyone

DH and I take the childcare 50:50, unless one of us has a particularly important meeting / deadline but we split it equally

TheGoogleMum · 26/04/2021 09:07

Your partner thinks your job is less important than his. He should definitely have a turn of taking time off. DH and I take it in turns.

Horehound · 26/04/2021 09:08

It's that way historically because men earn more.
But I'd be explaining it needs to fall to him some of the time and I'm sure his work policy would have 2 days paid leave to care for a dependent. You should ask him to check!

Original poster
Giraffle · 26/04/2021 09:09

I should say now I don’t believe this is all families. In my partners industry and work place (car sales) it is expected that the mother will look after her children when they get ill. And he gets told that I have to look after our toddler should it happen. Our relationship is fine apart from this one annoyance. And we did discuss this before having a baby and it was agreed for 50/50 for days off for sons illness or childcare issues. My partner just hasn’t stuck to that. I think it’s mostly pressure from his work and he knows that my work are more understanding, but it doesn’t mean it’s more acceptable. @Timeforabiscuit you hit the nail on the head, that exactly how it’s expected in his workplace. And his family also expect this as it’s the traditional way in there home.

So just to again clarify I don’t think this is a thing in every family, it’s more in his workplace and family they expect that.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 26/04/2021 09:10

My dh has been quick to assume that. I pull him up on it very quickly. He sulked and said you should have asked earlier this year when I was shitty he wasn’t stepping up the plate. ‘Did you have to ask me to collect him and look after him yesterday? But I have to ask you? I step forward to parent with you, you step back and hope I don’t notice. Great teamwork. Just say so if you really want our parenting and family input to be about getting away with as little as possible.’
The core problem is thinking their special and you’re not, their job matters and yours doesn’t. You need to hold firm or the marriage will die anyway.

StrawBeretMoose · 26/04/2021 09:12

It's up to you to change that though, the system in your house is crap, don't put up with it. I wouldn't, but then DH is not a sexist arse. Whoever has the least pressing commitments should do it as long as it balances out.