That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

[Giraffle]

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

My ex was very much like your husband.
Expected me to take the time off when we both worked full time.. His excuse being he was a "key worker" he was the very bottom level of key worker and many of his colleagues could pick up his work if needed.. I worked in a very busy office job but apparently I was told all I do is send emails so I can pick up the childcare...
Subsequently.. For many reasons.. He is now my ex and DD and I have a fab routine and she's very rarely ill.. In 1 year I've picked her up twice from nursery due to illness.
I would also say you need more reliable childcare!! Is your DS with a childminder or a nursery?

YANBU, it just depends on job roles and where you're both at in your careers. For example the way DH's job works he can lose a day of progress towards a qualification if he takes the day off, whereas I'm at the top of my career which much more flexibility so it doesn't affect anything detrimentally for me to take the day off. If it were the other way around then we'd do it the other way around.

But it isn't just about a purely practical thing of 'because he is shit I do 70% of the work but if we split up I'd do 100% so I'm better off'. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who fundamentally didn't believe that men and women were equal, and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought he mattered more than me.
I honestly don't know. Becoming a single parent to a newborn and a toddler nearly totally broke me, financially and emotionally, and now, with a benefit of hindsight, I am not so sure that self-respect is even worth it, it is one of those things that look much better on paper. I'd trade it for 30% of help quite gladly now.

I do understand your frustration.

I've spent the past 13 years at home looking after the kids who are now 13 and 11 so the youngest is starting secondary in September so I decided I would like to see what jobs were about when the time came. As it turned out, something perfect fell at my feet recently, which I will be starting soon.

A couple of weeks ago, I knew I had this position but I didn't know when I'd be starting and he was talking about making an early getaway one Friday to go on our boat and I said that might actually be at work.

He looked absolutely perplexed. I could tell he was going to say "take the day off then" but of course you wouldn't so soon after starting. I could see the wheels and cogs of his brain ticking away and the thought of "this is how it's going to be" sinking in 😆

He's very supportive of me returning to work, but I suspect there might be a learning curve. I've already started trying to educate them that if they don't tell the Alexa that something has run out in time for me going to the supermarket, they may have to wait an entire week for it to magically turn up in the cupboard. Or, heaven forfend, go to the shop and get it themselves.

This is not typical, my husband and I didn’t do this, we took it in turns, unless one of us had something critical on. So it’s not mums are expected. It’s your partner expects, which is very different.

I think it's a commonly held sexist view. My husband asked to take some time off to look after the children last year when I was ill and was met with an incredulous, "can't your wife do it?"

He explained that no, his wife could not do it, she was unwell, and they replied "well, as parents we just have to get on with it." He was firm about needing the time off, they told him it didn't look good on him as he'd only been with the company seven months!

@24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed

YANBU. However, I’d rather take a day off to look after poorly DD, as DH earns £15k more than I do.

I personally would see sensibility in the person who is not the bread winner taking time off, unless you’re more than comfortable to afford to, then YANBU.

That will ensure you loose your job or are in no position to get promoted, get better work. You are looking as not reliable anymore.

My work is very family friendly but if one parent takes always time off when there is an issue then questions will be asked.

I think it's a commonly held sexist view. My husband asked to take some time off to look after the children last year when I was ill and was met with an incredulous, "can't your wife do it?"

DH turned up for his vasectomy, having already had the conversation with the GP who had ALSO had a conversation with me as we'd explored female sterilisation. Doctor lectured him about how he shouldn't be having a vasectomy but rather his wife should be getting the coil.....

The point is that there are many many environments in which even men who want to be supportive face biases as they try.

@reluctantbrit you speak as though your experience is universal and it truly isn’t. There are plenty of workplaces that are very supportive re family leave for childcare emergencies, I work for one. We get three paid days per year for childcare emergencies (to be used separately) and nobody bats an eye when you use one other then to maybe ask if everything was okay. Doesn’t impinge upon access to training, promotions, or position within the team. These places exist.

Your workplace doesn’t sound very family friend in comparison @reluctantbrit!

Honestly, I do think you have a DH problem.
My DH stopped expecting me to always or even usually be the one to take time off when the children were ill, or leave work early for school events. We put our heads together and approach it as “divide and conquer” Of course, it wasn’t always that way, I was blunt with him after #3 was born had looked him in the eye and said the children outnumber us now., so if one of us is always the one taking time off, that one would be soon sacked. So to keep both our jobs, it has to be split fairly. I’d been my own worst enemy with first two DCs and had been just saying to him...oh don’t worry I’ll take DD or DS to doctor, or just pre-emptively tell him that I’d moved my schedule for parent teacher night so he didn’t need to worry about it. I decided after #3...to STOP and actually go to him and have discussion on who will do x instead of handling it myself and then just telling him I had it sorted.

I do think that many fathers are traditional in this way and so it is a problem the majority of mums face, and so I’d agree on societal level that there is an expectation that the mum will take time off work for most child care responsibilities. Which doesn’t help.

But honestly, don’t give in. This is a battle I’d fight in your shoes.

My OH has always been happy to take time off if to look after the children when needed. His employers have always been fine about it. Financially it makes more sense for me to do it though as I earn less. Although my employer is generally less likely to be understanding about it.

You have a DH issue.

We generally argue over who gets to take the day off! Both of us share it depending on who is busier at work etc. I wfh, dh goes out to work.

Your dp and his family sound stuck in the dark ages. Most families take turns taking time off with their dc.

I do most of if because if OH doesn't work he doesn't get paid and he brings in the most money. Financially,his job is more important. Mine is paid a lot less and is slightly more flexible. Before Covid I could even take DD in with me if she wasn't actually ill.

However , he does try to take up as much slack as he can even if it's not equal. For example when DD had chicken pox, he had two days off and I had 3 . He does all snow days if I can't arrange something else.

Dh is good about sharing care if a child is poorly. But in a male dominated, fairly physical work environment, he has to stand up for his right to do so. It never goes down well with the manager, who grumbles and grouses but ultimately has to allow him time off for those reasons. And some of his colleagues are ...less than kind, shall we say? Workplace culture and expectations are sometimes sexist and old-fashioned, but they need to be shaken up a bit by men standing up for their rights and not taking the easy option of dumping all the care on the women.

This isn’t my experience and it’s not something I would accept. DP and I have shared the load in the pandemic when it comes to WFH with a baby. He earns ten times more than me now I work two days a week but that isn’t relevant. We had a clear discussion about expectations before we had DD as I wanted to be sure we were on the same page.

I think it also helps that DD’s nursery has as many dads doing pick ups as mums. And in our friendship circles the dads are just as likely to pick up the slack as the mums. It makes me very happy considering my dad and DP’s dad never changed a single nappy - seven kids between em!

You’ll get all the perfect people on here telling you about their wonderful DH now OP.
Well I'm definitely not perfect and my Dh is alright but he took his family responsibilities seriously and shared the load and more than I can count went the extra mile to make sure everything was good for me and the kids.
He didn't shirk his stint because he is decent and not an asshole.
Nothing smug about that.

Yes, perhaps not perfect here either but we always shared the staying off to care for DC, working out which of us could work from home that day etc. I was never expected to do it all, despite working part time and earning less. We shared the days I was working and DH usually had to cover the 3 days at half term as I work in education and don’t have half terms.
Employers with outdated attitudes need to be challenged. If one says can’t your wife do it, DH should say no as she covered it last time and it’s my turn.
Or if there is really no alternative can’t he pull a sickie for one or two days?

Yes, DH is definitely not wonderful, he does very long hours at work (on his "day off" last week that I had also taken off and we planned to go to the garden centre together in the morning, his "5 minutes more" before at 4pm turned into another 45 minutes so it was too late to go and we ended up going in peak time on Saturday instead - he had "only" worked until 4.45 so that was the equivalent of a day off.... ). And i have done the bulk of mental load stuff over the years for family stuff (medical things, booking holidays etc) - but when there was a need to organise things around DD, he was as much a part of the team as I was.