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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

146 replies

Giraffle · 26/04/2021 08:47

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

OP posts:
JustSleepAlready · 26/04/2021 09:16

Of course YANBU. But I have always said that 90% of children, their care, and any other duties normally always fall to mum in these situations. You need to have a sit down talk. How would he feel if you lost job and didn’t have that wage coming in because he wouldn’t look after his child?! You need to split situations like this. Employers are only forgiving for so long. If you’re not able to fulfill your contract then they will take action. It’s a sad state of affairs to be in. You have my sympathy. And it gives me the rage as well, so I understand your anger and upset.

forinborin · 26/04/2021 09:17

I will bring a degree of realpolitik to the discussion.
It is unlikely to change. It could be his own attitude (and in this case he is too old to re-educate, and it is not your responsibility either), could be his workplace attitude that seeps through - I worked in places where men taking time off for dependents (not in an emergency situation where they come to a heroic rescue - in "our childminder is off ill" cases) would absolutely be perceived as slacking. Yes, it is unfair, but if it is a part of the corporate culture, no one usually wants to risk their job and family's wellbeing to fight for social justice. And yes, even if men sincerely declare an intention of being a 50/50 parent, it sometimes changes once an actual baby arrives.

You would struggle unbelievably more as a single parent working full-time with a toddler. Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2021 09:18

@Lofu

In our house we compare calendars and whoever has the least busy day or can move their meetings does the emergency childcare.

YANBU but you and your DH are doing it wrong.

This is exactly what we do. We see who has the busiest day. If we're both really busy then the person who worked last time takes it off.
NerrSnerr · 26/04/2021 09:20

@forinborin

I will bring a degree of realpolitik to the discussion. It is unlikely to change. It could be his own attitude (and in this case he is too old to re-educate, and it is not your responsibility either), could be his workplace attitude that seeps through - I worked in places where men taking time off for dependents (not in an emergency situation where they come to a heroic rescue - in "our childminder is off ill" cases) would absolutely be perceived as slacking. Yes, it is unfair, but if it is a part of the corporate culture, no one usually wants to risk their job and family's wellbeing to fight for social justice. And yes, even if men sincerely declare an intention of being a 50/50 parent, it sometimes changes once an actual baby arrives.

You would struggle unbelievably more as a single parent working full-time with a toddler. Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

In my workplace I would be deemed as slacking if I was the one who had to be off every time a child is poorly. It is absolutely expected that my husband will do his share. Of course it would be different if there wasn't a dad on the scene but there is.
NerrSnerr · 26/04/2021 09:21

I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Or maybe the dad should change to flexible hours or working part time?

kickergoes · 26/04/2021 09:21

Women who don't allow their partners to take advantage of them aren't expected to be the ones to stop work. It is never assumed to be me, first and foremost we assess who has anything that's a priority that day, then it's weighing up who did it last, most recently etc, we've kept it relatively balanced that way (and pay NEVER comes into it) but would actually say DH did the lion share in the past because his job takes him away for months so we would default to him when he wasn't away to make up for the fact I do a lot overall.

Don't let your partner get away with it by assuming all women are doing the same, we're not.

TDMN · 26/04/2021 09:23

Honestly OP he's being that much of an arse i think you should tell a tiny white lie and say your manager has got wind of how much you are having your child while you are meang go be working and has said you need to start sharing the load or there will be consequences. We had this at my work (several years ago) one woman always took the time off and her partner never did, her manager ended up having words like 'can we suggest your partner share the load as otherwise you will need to start paying the time back' (we had a v generous policy but she'd reached the brink) and she actually came in and thanked him the next day because she was able to say to her partner that her work were no longer 'ok' with it and he'd finally got the message and started doing his bit.
Although, he should just stick to your original agreement and do it, you shouldnt have to do any of this. Or why cant he take annual leave??

Atalantea · 26/04/2021 09:23

@Anycrispsleft

No YANBU and ppl will come on and tell you you have a DH problem but it's not just you. You never hear any blokes bemoaning that their DW doesn't take her fair share of childcare emergencies. And in the pandemic it's mostly been women who did the lion's share of childcare and juggling. It's like, every family makes its own decisions and yet somehow those decisions always end up with the woman's career being the one to suffer unless she can work double speed or else rely on her mum. It's this massive elephant in the room.
But OP does have a DH problem - grown ups in relationships share the laod
Atalantea · 26/04/2021 09:23

*load

Whoarethewho · 26/04/2021 09:25

Yanbu and personally if it was written into law then it would remove the excuse of women giving up their careers for their children and therefore make divorce settlements easier because the reason if giving up career for children and taking assets from the higher earner wouldn't be required.

I would suspect that it would also reduce the number of both absent father's and births because having a baby to keep the partner happy is now a much bigger task with the additional time off required.

forinborin · 26/04/2021 09:26

In my workplace I would be deemed as slacking if I was the one who had to be off every time a child is poorly. It is absolutely expected that my husband will do his share.
Again, different workplaces have different cultures, and it is something that is very, very hard to formalise. I worked in places like yours (ie equal expectations), where there are other issues - it was very hard to explain that there is no other parent, for example. But I don't want to pretend that other attitudes don't exist.
It does not help OP, really. Her DH's workplace is clearly not one of those (I would even risk saying there are whole industries like that, not even individual employers), and her DH himself does not seem to show any initiative. It is great that everyone else seems to have a partner who is happy to share 50/50, but I cannot see how the OP could magic her DH to be one of these men. But if anyone has a successful re-education story, I am very interested in hearing it.

BuyYourOwnBBQGlenda · 26/04/2021 09:27

That's so annoying. My husband earns nearly three times my salary and is very senior but we still take turns. He appreciates one of the reasons he is more senior is that he hasn't missed out due to maternity leave (and possibly even inequality) so if anything, he should be taking him more. If he's off longer term we take turns in days, if likely to be one day we look at diaries in the morning, identify key meetings and divvy up by 2 hour slots.

Atalantea · 26/04/2021 09:27

@forinborin

I will bring a degree of realpolitik to the discussion. It is unlikely to change. It could be his own attitude (and in this case he is too old to re-educate, and it is not your responsibility either), could be his workplace attitude that seeps through - I worked in places where men taking time off for dependents (not in an emergency situation where they come to a heroic rescue - in "our childminder is off ill" cases) would absolutely be perceived as slacking. Yes, it is unfair, but if it is a part of the corporate culture, no one usually wants to risk their job and family's wellbeing to fight for social justice. And yes, even if men sincerely declare an intention of being a 50/50 parent, it sometimes changes once an actual baby arrives.

You would struggle unbelievably more as a single parent working full-time with a toddler. Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Seriously? you think the OP should juggle her hours around so that DH is not impacted by DC sickness?

Sure there should be give and take, but your attitude seems to be out of the 1950s

kickergoes · 26/04/2021 09:27

And just to add DH is military, which is still very stuck in its ways in many respects with a lot of part time or SAHM parents, DH has had to put his foot down and explain military does not (always) equal priority, my employment takes priority too. If your DH doesn't inherently believe that you will struggle getting him to take a stand which is what is needed sometimes.

forinborin · 26/04/2021 09:28

Or maybe the dad should change to flexible hours or working part time?
Maybe he should. Would he? Can the OP force him to?

C152 · 26/04/2021 09:28

YANBU at all. Of course he can "just not work" - it's called annual leave / sick leave. He needs to buck up.

Brainwave89 · 26/04/2021 09:29

It has got a bit better over time...but not much. When I was working invariably they always called me as mum rather than dad from school, and from my husband's experience, even now if a man says they need to go home to look after a child it is ridiculed, and may be used against them in an appraisal- i.e. you downed tools to deal with a domestic. Sexism is deeply ingrained in our structures and our culture and so far as I can see, there is very little being done to change these approaches.

Atalantea · 26/04/2021 09:29

@Whoarethewho

Yanbu and personally if it was written into law then it would remove the excuse of women giving up their careers for their children and therefore make divorce settlements easier because the reason if giving up career for children and taking assets from the higher earner wouldn't be required.

I would suspect that it would also reduce the number of both absent father's and births because having a baby to keep the partner happy is now a much bigger task with the additional time off required.

What exactly would you have written into law ? Men should parent their children (like a lot of men already do) ?
forinborin · 26/04/2021 09:30

Seriously? you think the OP should juggle her hours around so that DH is not impacted by DC sickness?
Well yes, seriously. What is an alternative pragmatic solution, pray tell me? She cannot make him do it, if he doesn't want it.

Livpool · 26/04/2021 09:32

I feel the same although it has only been an issue since I started wfh. I seem to have become the default parent.

FizzyApricot · 26/04/2021 09:32

@NerrSnerr

I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Or maybe the dad should change to flexible hours or working part time?

Agree with this. OP changing her hours will only serve to make the problem worse.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/04/2021 09:32

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You cannot attribute your partners lack of being a willing parent to all other people on earth.

Many families take turns to cover childcare/emergencies.

You dont actually have to settle for this.

This! Wouldn't have another child with this man, he is a sexist prick. I would just stop doing this even if meant I had to leave the house with the laptop and sit outside in a pub with Wifi. Just nope. If you're an unmarried partner, definitely do not compromise your job for this man.
Atalantea · 26/04/2021 09:33

@forinborin

Seriously? you think the OP should juggle her hours around so that DH is not impacted by DC sickness? Well yes, seriously. What is an alternative pragmatic solution, pray tell me? She cannot make him do it, if he doesn't want it.
If DH wont parent his own child you mean? Would be a deal breaker for me, I'm seriously not saying that OP should leave him in any way at all, but I would not stand for that.

In my house, you're either a partner and parent, or you can fuck off. Some days I do more, some days DH does more - we balance. We dont agree on everything, but there are fundamentals things we have to agree on, or what is the point.

I would have no respect for a person who thought they and their job was more important than me and my job - we are equal, we are partners - no we are not perfect, but we have been mostly happy together for 28 years

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/04/2021 09:34

@forinborin

Seriously? you think the OP should juggle her hours around so that DH is not impacted by DC sickness? Well yes, seriously. What is an alternative pragmatic solution, pray tell me? She cannot make him do it, if he doesn't want it.
If she is not married to this man it is never a pragmatic solution to compromise her earning, pension and career progression to enable a sexist man. In fact, even if married, it's a BAD idea when married to a sexist man who believes childcare and lifework at a woman's remit. It seldom ends well.
Hardbackwriter · 26/04/2021 09:35

What I find interesting is the number of men who claim to work in workplaces where it is simply unthinkable to take time off for a sick child/go part-time/request flexible working who turn out to have had female colleagues who do just that... When DH went part-time lots of people expressed amazement that he was 'allowed', including some of his colleagues - he's a teacher. I have never met anyone who thinks it's surprising or remarkable if a school has female part-time teachers, and his school has plenty of them.