That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

[Giraffle]

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

Then if your partner cannot take time off it's his job to find someone who can. His parents? Find a local uni student who could play with your toddler all day and do a bit of tidying /cleaning/washing up in your home while you work? (Obv if you're happy to supervise that is)

Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Hang on, so you think OP restructuring her working life because her partner refuses to parent would avoid her becoming resentful?

@Brainwave89 exactly that. DH is being a pain, but it’s not completely his fault and in his work if I put my foot down and say he has to take DS for the day, or if he can’t come into work on his day off because I’m working, he’s told he’s “whipped” or he is slacking. To date he has only had to take one day off to look after our son when he was poorly. I have had to take 5 over the year (childcare issues and illness). My partners family also strongly believe that a woman should stay home with the baby and not work at all... I want a career so haven’t done that. So it’s been ingrained into him his whole life and now at his workplace. He does the equal share when he is home, it’s just with work he thinks it should be my responsibility.

However he has now taken an annual leave day tomorrow as I just said to him that it’s his turn and I physically can’t take another day off. It’s an important week for us.

@forinborin

Seriously? you think the OP should juggle her hours around so that DH is not impacted by DC sickness? Well yes, seriously. What is an alternative pragmatic solution, pray tell me? She cannot make him do it, if he doesn't want it.

And what if OP doesn't want to do it either? Would the alternative pragmatic solution be that they leave their toddler at home on their own all day? Or possibly that they have a conversation together like grown-ups and come up with a mutually acceptable way forward. Maybe even one that involves getting someone else to look after their child if neither of them can/want to take leave. If they can't have a conversation like grown-ups, then I'm going to suggest this relationship is doomed.

DH and I have both, always, WFTOH. DD went to creche near the office to make it easier if there were illnesses when she was small (she was 5 months going into creche as there was less mat leave at the time). And we definitely chose creche rather than childminder for reliability (even better, as a chain, they had some capacity to call in reinforcements from elsewhere when needed) so we didn't have unexpected "childcare not available" situations very often - I think there was 1 power outage in the area (and my office was out too) and 1 burst pipe closing it for 2 days in the 4.5 years DD attended.

If she had medical appointments, I tended to be the one to do those normally, but DH came if he could as well, and occasionally he did some solo.

But more importantly than the scheduled things, when DD was sick and needed to go home or to stay home for a day/few days, we juggled that between us. Dh had more flexibility to work from home (laptop etc) whereas I was bringing home papers to read and analyse/do stats on, handwriting speeches to type up next day kind of thing. But generally, we'd figure out who's meetings were movable or not, and mostly 1 would do a very early start (6am for DH as he had a key for the office, my office only opened at 7am) and work to lunch, we'd swop (either bringing DD into town in car if she was well enough, or just at home if she was still in the "sick, needs bed" phase), the other would work the afternoon to a lateish evening (7ish), and we'd both do a bit of catchup once DD was settled for the night.

So while it meant that neither of us was as fully productive as normal, and occasionally 1 may need to take a full day off if DD was really sick or the other couldn't change things in their diary, we could mostly both keep on top of the urgent things. DH had more flex from his boss as he does so much overtime (unpaid) generally and boss was understanding, mine was less so even though I also did a lot of unpaid overtime (but a far less understanding boss - if I was missing in "core time" hours, he expected those to be made up or taken as leave even if i had got all my work done).

But it was a shared responsibility.

And DH has also very much done his fair share of the duties when she has woken up throwing up in the middle of the night, and the driving around at 3am because she can't sleep and is howling the house down....etc.

It was a joint decision to have DC, and it is a joint responsiblity to raise her.

YABU

I largely work from home so yes I expect to be the one that bears the brunt of having children here if there is an issue with childcare? Why would I expect my partner to drive all the way home from his office to do it when I can walk round to get them? Most working from
Homers also tend to have more flexible hours so can make up any missed time?

Also not every employer is understanding - his isn't mine is - now that might be because I'm a woman and he's a man but there is no way to say for certain?

Also my work is more generous for dependents leave (full paid) or sick leave (full paid) - his isn't - again that's nothing to do with him being a man and me a woman - it's just a fact of our employment?

I should also say I'm the main earner by a considerable way

@DarcyLewis I agree that just because there is societal sexism doesn't mean the OP should throw up her hands and give up, but I think it's also helpful to acknowledge that there's more at play here than a simple disagreement between two individuals. At least to acknowledge that, while nobody else but her is going to fix this, she shouldn't feel guilty about not having fixed it already/married the right bloke/phrased it in such a way that he comes to agree.

Why does your child care keep being cancelled?

Do you need something more reliable?

I do think it depends on your job.

When our DD's were young I would tend to work from home if they were ill or we had issues with childcare, because I was in a role where I could work from home and the position I was in meant that I could do as much work as possible during the day and then catch up on anything that I needed to in the evening. DH has to be in work to do his job, it's never possible for him to work from home. If the roles were reversed DH would have done the same.

It’s surprised me the amount of people saying that it’s doomed!

He has one flaw... that he thinks I should be the one to take care of DS when there is no childcare or is ill whilst we work. Yet I never said he was a bad dad. Because he is an incredible dad. He takes more than his fair share at home, when we are not working, he’s supportive to me in every other aspect of life, we very very rarely argue and I wouldn’t be without him (vice versa). People are so quick to say they’re done for one flaw, looking for the “perfect relationship”, yet I vent on here about how it’s annoying that I’m expected to look after DS during work hours if something happens. He isn’t sexist in any other part of our relationship. It’s just something that has been fully fed to him his whole life and then by his workplace. If he’s got people constantly telling him I should do it he’s going to think that’s the norm. Our relationship isn’t doomed because of one flaw. I’m sure I’ve got a flaw that annoys the heck out of him too. None of us in this world are perfect

Don’t get me wrong he’s being a pain in the ass with this, that doesn’t mean from time to time im not a pain in the ass to him! 😂 Just really interesting to see the amount of people who think a relationship should end over this!

Your husband needs to grow a back bone and find out what his company's policy is about taking time off for dependents. He should be able to take 10 days unpaid leave a year statutory. My firm limit it to one a month which is annoying. Is there admin he can do from home so he can still fit in that whilst caring for DD.

Stand firm here and take turns. What is your work policy are you using your AL?

If he's using AL then they can't complain. He's working just as much as everyone else.

At my work its as common for the men to take childcare days as the women. Your dh company needs to move into 21 century.

Dh and i share care and swap round depends on who has the more urgent appointments/ work. I often win thus one but will take turns from him when its no bother. I do WFH when I have the DC.

YANBU to not put up with this. I’m the lower earner and work from home, DH earns a lot more and can’t work from home. We still try and share it, it maybe more 60/40 than 50/50 and we judge it a bit on who’s got the more important things on that day. Just because I earn less than DH- my job is still important to me (and our family), and it’s also not my employers problem that DH earns more, so it would seem unfair to them too for it always to be me taking time off. I do think there’s a perception from some people that don’t work from home that if you DO work from home it’s not that big an imposition having the kids there too, which is obviously not the case!

@Gottalovesummer my mum would usually have him on a Tuesday, however she has had a chest infection for 3 of the weeks then because of that an coughing so much she cracked a rib . So she isn’t in a position to have him at the moment. I have sorted a childminder for next week onwards, this was the last week that one of us needed to be home with him. I just couldn’t do it again this week due to the workload.

He has one flaw... that he thinks I should be the one to take care of DS when there is no childcare or is ill whilst we work. Yet I never said he was a bad dad. Because he is an incredible dad.

That's a pretty big flaw though, he thinks he is more important than you, he thinks his job is more important than his child. He is completely ignorant to the impact on you; either he's stupid, or he's deliberately not caring, neither great. You are shoe-horning it into this one issue but it says a huge amount about the kind of man he is. He isn't an incredible dad at all, "incredible" dads step up and know they have a fair share of parental responsibility that will impact other areas of their life, being a parent is making sacrifices, it's making a stand with your employer, not just playing football and putting them to bed.

It's also about respecting your partner, he is completely disrespecting you. So he's not demonstrating the behaviours of a good partner either. Look at the thread entitled "why does the love die" I would say 90% of the responses put "resentment" as the answer.

Ah well hopefully that will solve the problem of cancelled childcare.

Hope your mum feels better soon.

Or possibly that they have a conversation together like grown-ups and come up with a mutually acceptable way forward.
Well yes, this is, obviously, an ideal solution.
So tell me, what happens if the situation is not ideal, and they cannot agree, with the man thinking that it is the woman's job (and if she does not want to stay at home, than the childcare cost should come exclusively from her pay)? It really happens very often, and yes it is unfair, but this is the reality for many people.

@Lofu

In our house we compare calendars and whoever has the least busy day or can move their meetings does the emergency childcare.

YANBU but you and your DH are doing it wrong.

Exactly. It worked the last 14 years and for DH it doesn’t matter that he earns twice of what I earn.

He is actually the more flexible one with already working from home so he does all the , emergency pick ups, doctors appointments and cab service for hobbies and parties.

I think couples don’t talk about this before the baby comes or even the pregnancy.

@Hardbackwriter

Harbouring resentment would just poison the relationship and make everyone miserable. In your shoes, I'd look at changing things on my side - flexible hours, maybe part time before the child is at school?

Hang on, so you think OP restructuring her working life because her partner refuses to parent would avoid her becoming resentful?

Depends on the OP. It would for me, if it was a decision I made with my eyes open, not being forced into it by circumstance. It would definitely make me feel better about not bringing in much money into the family pot, for example.

@UserTwice

So your issue is that your partner expects you to be the one to take time off? You can't extrapolate this to all families. DH and I always split covering sick time between us, and many of my male colleagues actually cover more than their female partners as it's easier for them to do so.

Proper conversation needed. Actually (I know it's of no use now to OP, but maybe for others reading the thread) this sort of thing should really be agreed before you have children.

Yes, this. In our house it's DH who tends to take time off as he has more job security than I do at the moment.

I'm afraid it's your selfish husband that is the problem, he views your work as lesser. I think it's also a problem most women people that WFH experience.

If she is not married to this man it isneverapragmaticsolution to compromise her earning, pension and career progression to enable a sexist man. In fact, even if married, it's a BAD idea when married to a sexist man who believes childcare and lifework at a woman's remit. It seldom ends well.
Again, depends on the situation (agree about the official marriage though). In case of divorce, SAHMs often come out better than working mums - at least in the cases I know.

I agree it should be 50:50 (unless maybe one partner is a surgeon doing emergency or vital surgery every day, or a similar degree of pressure), and that your DH is being unreasonable. He is personally unreasonable for having this attitude and not challenging it in others, and for not recognising that you are equals.

However, it’s ridiculous for some posters to say it’s not a societal problem or is just a problem for you. It’s a recognised fact that women bear the brunt of this more often than not, and that society is reinforcing your DH’s attitude.

Some marriages / partnerships might be much more equal and I’m glad to hear it! But those pp should still recognise that in society as a whole it’s a problem.

(I’m a single mum and work from home - albeit in a full on role - so not grinding an axe here)

On the one hand, it's great to see so many women coming on here and saying that just isn't how it works in their homes.

On the other hand, I think people are being naive if they think that emergency childcare is routinely shared 50/50.

OP, you've found yourself in a situation where all the people replying to you do not have this unequal split. But truthfully, it IS the norm. Women routinely have to step up to do more of the emergency childcare. Before DC, I was nonetheless highly aware of how in the office, it was always the women who had set days they left promptly at a certain time or who had to do emergency childcare. The men in the office who had children never seemed to have this problem....

It IS getting better, but it's in no way the norm as yet.

@kickergoes in his work they recently made half the workforce redundant, he is terrified of losing his job, and that also plays into this. I am not excusing his behaviour around this, but it isn’t a major flaw in my opinion because once we have a proper talk this evening I think he will understand and make a change. It’s just for me built up this past month as it’s been every week and I just needed to vent after telling him this morning it isn’t an equal playing field when it comes to work at the moment, he listened and took the day off tomorrow. It’s just taken more that it should have.

I said it in more generalised terms because it’s largely his workplace that are the issue. They believe a mother should look after their children in these cases. But in my work, the industry I’m in I can’t move my work times around or work flexibly as it’s highly regulated and we’re only allowed to sign in between certain hours. I can only take unpaid leave days or work around toddler being home, which is incredibly difficult as the work I do needs full attention at all times, which has made it exhausting these past few weeks.

He doesn’t think his job is more important than his child, he thinks that keeping a roof over our head and looking after us financially is his job. Something else that has been ingrained into him, when that is also an equal job for both of us in my opinion. We eat very close to the same as each other (him slightly more some months due to commission).

He doesn’t just “play football and put them to bed” he’s up in the night with DS, he cooks our meals, he cleans and much more. To put a Dad down in that way just adds to the problem of expecting that that do less. He doesn’t. He just thinks he HAS to work or he will be sacked. It’s a fear almost for him.

I don’t know how else to explain this. His thinking isn’t okay, I know that and he knows that. That doesn’t mean we should split up or his isn’t an incredible dad!

Kickergoes has hit the nail on the head for me.

Oh well then, you will just have to keep taking time off and putting your work last. YANBU in your frustrations though.