That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

[Giraffle]

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

OP is a breadwinner too. Why are people who earn less not called the breadwinner as well?! (Not applicable in OP’s case as she earns about the same as her DH).

My husband earns much more but he can do his job in his sleep. I need to concentrate much more on mine so he is better able to multitask.

@Atalantea
So you would leave someone who is not stepping up to 50/50... do you think then 99/1 would be easier? Because that is what often happens, despite it is often assumed on these threads that then the mother would somehow be able to demand that the father steps up to his 50%, financially or physically.

A SAHM would usually take the majority of assets in the divorce, as it would be recognised that her earning potential is seriously impacted for the rest of her life. Including the pension, the pension will be shared too.

I earn significantly less than my DH but we equally take time off to look after poorly children. It’s your DH’s responsibility to challenge gender stereotypes in his workplace.

You keep mentioning that he would be called 'whipped' at work if he took the day off as if this is some sort of legitimate reason to not do it. This is literally saying that your job is less important than his need to not be teased by his workmates.

[quote forinborin]@Atalantea
So you would leave someone who is not stepping up to 50/50... do you think then 99/1 would be easier? Because that is what often happens, despite it is often assumed on these threads that then the mother would somehow be able to demand that the father steps up to his 50%, financially or physically.

A SAHM would usually take the majority of assets in the divorce, as it would be recognised that her earning potential is seriously impacted for the rest of her life. Including the pension, the pension will be shared too.[/quote]
What makes you think that someone who is not pulling their weight in one area is pulling it in all the others?

A SAHM would usually take the majority of assets in the divorce
Have you read threads in this forum??

He has tried to explain and a lot of it is how his work is, saying he’s whipped if he takes a day off to look after DS

This is honestly pathetic

I do agree that its important to be crystal clear on the boundaries at home. Both exdh and DP know very clearly that I am professionally an equal partner. I have been off for ayear and have returned to work and DP slipped having got used to me picking all the slack whilst off. He is genuinely not an ass so I picked him up on it and its all good now. I do not toleratevthis from either of them. Exdh made the children with me and DP knew the score coming in and he wa seem to be a step parent of a particular type so that comes with the expectation that we all pull together. (That includes me picking up the slack when he is away working it works all ways ).

That said I do think in many industries there is an expectation that women will do the majority. Both Exdh and DP have had comments about what I am doing if they had to take time off but in fairness they have shut them down from a great height. There has been more understanding from my employers as they are aware I have DC and my female boss is in a similar position (there are times when we are the only adult at home due to working away fathers and partners). I'm grateful for this of course but it clearly comes from an overall societal belief that the mother is the first point if contact and the main option for childcare.

Currently I think most people deal with it by holding the boundary at home but it would be good if we move towards it not being automatic assumption that the mother is first port of call to take time off.

If your childcare has fallen through five times recently sounds like you need to fix that issue as well as having a stern word with your DH

When my partner informed work he could not change his ( formally agreed) shift pattern, due to child care, he was told that I was going to have to step up to the plate. In fairness to him, I think he almost exploded on my behalf. One of the things I find hardest, is that if you have the latest start time and therefore do nursery or school drop off, you get all the last minute "I'm not well" episodes. Very stressful.

YABU.

This isn't so much a societal issue, it is an issue in your relationship, your DP prioritises his own work over your own and you have gone along with it, so yeah, now he thinks he can keep doing it.

I am the one at our house that takes time off if one of us needs to look after our DD3, whilst my wife works. She earns less than me, but it hardly sets a good example to my daughter if all she ever see's is her mum taking up all the slack rather than her dad.

You need to talk this through with your partner and lay down some proper ground rules.

Why has your childcare fallen through? Having a robust system in place massively helps. I choose nursery to avoid childminders having random days off so meaning we would have to be off

Yes, this is the reason I refuse to work full time because I know that all of this shit would fall to me as well as still doing all the cooking, cleaning, life admin, shopping and general child rearing (including bedtime) duties.

My partners reasoning is that he earns more and he works 60 hours/week, not 40.

I’d say it was 75/25 here in my favour. He does more than me. He’s also SE so doesn’t get paid unless he’s there but it means it’s easier for him to be off. We judge each time on its own merit rather than ‘I did it last time, now it’s your turn’ type thing.
We both work in construction, very male dominated but I’d say the men I work with do their share too, you often hear ‘oh Tom isn’t in today his kid is ill’ or whatever.

Our dynamic is a bit different as DP is self employed and often if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid (depends if he is on day rate or price work). I work PT.

We have 3 kids and the youngest is disabled so we've had a fair amount of illnesses and appointments to cover. It does mainly fall to me BUT I can WFH and I make sure I schedule as many appointments to fall on my days off as I can.

DP has been roped in on occasion though when I simply had to be in the office in the good old days he is willing and able so that counts for something.

DC3 has a three night admission coming up and it falls on my working days so I will have to take annual leave, the other option is DP losing 3 days money!!!

We always talked about it and decided which one could accommodate it depending on work day plans.

I admit though that when they were ill I preferred it to be me but really dependant on work.

[quote forinborin]@Atalantea
So you would leave someone who is not stepping up to 50/50... do you think then 99/1 would be easier? Because that is what often happens, despite it is often assumed on these threads that then the mother would somehow be able to demand that the father steps up to his 50%, financially or physically.

A SAHM would usually take the majority of assets in the divorce, as it would be recognised that her earning potential is seriously impacted for the rest of her life. Including the pension, the pension will be shared too.[/quote]
But it isn't just about a purely practical thing of 'because he is shit I do 70% of the work but if we split up I'd do 100% so I'm better off'. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who fundamentally didn't believe that men and women were equal, and I wouldn't want to be married to someone who thought he mattered more than me. In the same way as I wouldn't want to be married to someone who, say, held racist views, even if they did all the laundry and so leaving them would mean an increase in my overall burden of housework. I would be massively resentful in the situation you describe and, as you've pointed out, that rots the relationship from the core.

I think it's down to how you negotiate the situation with your DH before you have children and the fact that people don't do this never ceases to amaze me. I (f) have never had time off to look after my DCs, because DP (m) went part time went they were born as I was the main earner. I think you have to talk with your partner and decide on what's fair now and make sure he sticks to it.

@Hardbackwriter and you would probably have less work to do as you wouldnt be looking after a wo/manchild

It is not the first time that this is discussed and I disagree that this is something women just have to accept.
Obviously the natural answer is for the father to do his fair share of unexpected childcare - something you would expect women to clarify before having children but well.

If the father’s job is so important that he can’t take time off, surly he is paid accordingly so can either pay for emergency childcare (a nanny can go to appointments, look after a sick child etc) or support financially his wife to go part time (if she wishes of course, otherwise back to paid childcare).
If the father’s job doesn’t pay enough to paid for childcare AND doesn’t allow him to take time off to care after his child then I guess an idea might be to look for something else.

I don’t buy into the peer pressure argument, I would harshly judge a man who is not capable of telling his boss and colleagues that as a decent man he will look after his sick child.
The men I work with earn 100k+ and from time to time they will tell us they are wfh because a child is sick / will be late because they spent the night at the hospital / have to pick up DC from school... Finance industry, so not know for it’s family friendliness.

@TillyTopper

I think it's down to how you negotiate the situation with your DH before you have children and the fact that people don't do this never ceases to amaze me. I (f) have never had time off to look after my DCs, because DP (m) went part time went they were born as I was the main earner. I think you have to talk with your partner and decide on what's fair now and make sure he sticks to it.

I agree that scarily few people have these conversations before having children - the one thing I would say is that I had no idea before having children how frequently you can actually need to be off with a nursery-aged child. I only remember being an older child who had maybe a day or two a year off school sick (and if they had the 48 hour rule for vomiting then my parents must have flouted it!), and obviously it's been worse the past year, with needing to take the whole time off until a test comes back every time he coughs... We've actually been at the lucky end, I have friends whose toddlers are ill much more often, but it's definitely a bigger 'thing' in my life than I would have anticipated before having children.

As said previously this was discussed before we had our DS and it was agreed to be 50/50, it’s only the past month childcare and this has been an issue! I won’t be repeating myself further...

You’ll get all the perfect people on here telling you about their wonderful DH now OP.

What I will say is I think it also depends on the company. My husband’s company is a very ‘male’ place- most of its employees are older men who don’t understand childcare issues. They used to be horrendous for anything to do with children, they seem to have got so much better in the last ten years. He earns much more than me, if he lost his job we’d be in a mess- if he’d have picked up our daughter every time I got a phone call then he’d have probably lost his job. So most of the time it came to me taking time off in an emergency as my work were much more switched on and understanding. Not great but you’ve got to do whatever you can.

Now his work are much better. So it tends to fall 50/50. It’s much easier for him to book random days off too. So it’s not always about sexism from the husband- sometimes these are ingrained in workplaces.

I find every time one of my children need picking up however their school/nursery always contact me and not my husband. It does reinforce the impression it’s my problem from childcare providers.

The "depends on the company" works both ways though. Some companies just don't like their employees taking time off for sick children. If you've got one parent at such a company, and one parent at a more enlightened one, it's hard for the "taking time off" not to end up very one sided (and that doesn't necessarily mean it's always the woman taking time off in a mixed sex relationship).

IME nurseries/schools ask for a list of contacts in order and they call the first contact person first. This often tends to be mum as they are the ones that filled in the form :)
Now they are at secondary school, my DC are asked which adult it would be better to call, so they are able to nuance their answers a bit if they know, for example, I'm super busy but DH is just normal busy, or he is out of town all week and I'm 5 minutes away.

Agree with you there in parts, but my job was lower paid and I mainly am there to keep my brain active and because I enjoy it.

If my husband had lost his job because of this then we would have lost our home and security. Whatever is the principled thing to do in these circumstances would not have been happening in real life. Like I say they are much better now.

Good point about orders though- I may try putting him down as first contact next year. But then I worry I’ll be seen as uncaring etc- very silly I know!

This doesn’t happen in my relationship.

When DD was smaller and when she was ill she wanted to BF then I did more. But now she’s a bit older we share it 50/50. My employer would be livid if it was always me!

You have a DH problem if he’s not prepared to stand up to his employer (and I expect the expectation is all in his head anyway).