That mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for children!

[Giraffle]

I need to VENT!

Why is it that mums are the only ones expected to take time off work to care for their children when childcare falls through or they become unwell?!

I work full time currently at home, in a job I only started in February. My partner works full time in a workplace.

Even when I was in the workplace it was always expected that I would look after our toddler if anything happened that meant he needed to be at home. Making my job seem less important than my partners. And it isn’t just my partner who thinks this, his family all do too.

I was telling my partner over the weekend that I have an extremely busy week at work this week. Today, our childcare for Tuesday has been cancelled again so our toddler needs to be at home. And instantly my partner just said that’s okay you can have him whilst you work. I’ve done this for the past 5 weeks, and he is a toddler so it isn’t fair on him at all. I have to stop working every 10 minutes to make sure he is okay, occupied etc and nappy changes, snacks all the rest.

My job needs full attention and I’ve had to take time off to care for my son, several times over the past month and that really doesn’t look good as a new employee and I really love this job.

I’m just incredibly frustrated and ended up telling my partner it’s his turn I need to work and I can’t take the time this week as it’s inspection week.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable because “he can’t just not work”.... but I can?!?!

I don’t know, anyone else find this frustrating or am I just being unreasonable to think both parents should take equal responsibility for time off work when little one is ill/childcare cancelled?

I think couples don’t talk about this before the baby comes or even the pregnancy.
To be fair, it is really hard to imagine how life would be with a child / two / three before they arrive. So while this discussion is a "memorandum of understanding", in a way, it is not enforceable in any way later. I had my children with a man who was absolutely committed to be a 50/50 parent, and I was told by everyone how lucky I am, how great a father he would be, how much he loves children, he is always there playing with kids at the family events... until he found out that, actually, children on the daily basis are just not his thing.

This concept of sharing time off surprised my DH too. I'd only just gone back to work after a year's maternity leave when DC was sick one evening. Neither of us knew about the 48 hour exclusion policy so he mentioned it when he dropped her off at nursery the next morning (she'd been fine since then). Of course they told him she couldn't stay so he phoned me. I told him he'd have to stay off that day and I'd take the next day off. 'But I can't do that, I have to go to work!' When I asked him what he thought we should do, he couldn't come up with a better solution without sounding like a sexist twat 😀.

Does your DH think he shouldn't take time off because you WFH and think it's easy to work effectively and look after a toddler? If you worked outside the home, do you think he'd have a different attitude? Has he actually tried to justify his position to you?

If DH wont parent his own child you mean? Would be a deal breaker for me, I'm seriously not saying that OP should leave him in any way at all, but I would not stand for that.
I fully respect that, but tell me what would you actually do? Not leave, but not tolerate it either? What then? So yes, if DH won't parent his own child, let's call it as it is.

It is a genuine question, I was in a situation similar to OPs once. I am not sure myself I made right choices then.

That doesn’t mean we should split up or his isn’t an incredible dad!

If I'd been on MN complaining about my DH (completely justifiably, IMO) when our children were tiny, I'm pretty sure I'd have been told to LTB too! Overall, I knew he was a great husband and father, he just had a few, er, selfish attitudes (all golf related 🙄). Nothing worth breaking up a family over, though.

I said it in more generalised terms because it’s largely his workplace that are the issue.

This absolutely is also an issue and again, people who say it isn't are being naive. Of COURSE men should be able to tell their workplace that they are taking time for the DC in the same way the woman do, but realistically it's not always as easy as that. I bet that women at his office do the bulk of it, and are penalised in terms of seniority/opportunities as a result.

There are much bigger societal issues that need to be fixed here. Doesn't mean your DP gets a free pass and your frustration is 100% justified and he IS going to have to suck it up, but it is more complicated than just one man's instinctive sexism on this issue.

You (or rather your DH) have sufficient notice here to organise a solution. Get a babysitter in to play with your toddler while you work. Sitters.co.uk or something like that.

The great thing about being wfh is that, while I wouldn't want to leave a stranger in sole charge of my little one when his nursery is shut, I don't mind them playing with him downstairs while I work upstairs and taking him out in the garden. Neither you nor your DH has to take the hit for this one...you just need to throw money at it (worth it in the long-run).

if I put my foot down and say he has to take DS for the day, or if he can’t come into work on his day off because I’m working, he’s told he’s “whipped” or he is slacking.

He needs to grow a pair and not be "whipped" by his stupid work colleagues, then.

@MsVestibule thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone and also showing that just because he has this view it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes I think he thinks I can do both well ( a compliment really 😂) but I think if I was back at the office he wouldn’t expect it as much. He has tried to explain and a lot of it is how his work is, saying he’s whipped if he takes a day off to look after DS, and also a fear of losing his job because they recently made people redundant. I’ve explained to him that actually I have that fear aswell if I continue to take this time off, it made him see a bit clearer how it’s impacting on me and he’s take AL tomorrow. Well have a chat about it later on aswell. I just got frustrated that especially his work thinks this is just what I should do.

He doesn’t think his job is more important than his child, he thinks that keeping a roof over our head and looking after us financially is his job.

What's your job doing then?

Stop defending him. I'm not saying leave him, I'm saying his attitude isn't acceptable and you shouldn't stand for it. You're the one who has raised the issue, I don't have this problem, so why are you now pretending it isn't a problem? If you minimise the issue it'll continue, it's about more than the odd day of support, it's about his whole belief system, that's not to say it can't change, but it won't change if you buy into it too. You need to break the cycle or your DS and his potential partner will be destined to have the same attitudes.

@Triffid1 thank you!!! That exactly what I’m saying. And yes there is a woman who works there, she’s never told otherwise when her kids have needed it, she can just leave. She’s worked there 20 years and is in the same position she started at. She’s the only woman working there. The other 10 employees of this particular showroom are male majority have children but are expected to ask their wives/partners to look after the kids.

@forinborin

If she is not married to this man it isneverapragmaticsolution to compromise her earning, pension and career progression to enable a sexist man. In fact, even if married, it's a BAD idea when married to a sexist man who believes childcare and lifework at a woman's remit. It seldom ends well. Again, depends on the situation (agree about the official marriage though). In case of divorce, SAHMs often come out better than working mums - at least in the cases I know.

really? someone who stays at home, not furthering their career comes out better than someone with their own earning power?

and how many of those are trapped in low paying jobs, because they supported their partner.

How many are able to earn their own money and not rely on support from their ex-spouse?

I'm obviously not saying that people should not be SAHP if they choose to, but its not always a wise move

@kickergoes it’s called being understanding and coming to a solution. I haven’t stood for it, I have told him, I don’t think it’s acceptable and he has now taken the day off tomorrow.

I also find it quite funny that the sentence after the one you’ve quoted I literally wrote I’ve explained this is equal and also my job to do. It’s something that’s been told to him growing up that the man goes to work and supports his family the woman stays home with the kids. He doesn’t believe I should not work. He does believe it’s his sole responsibility to provide for us and that isn’t the case. We discussed it briefly this morning and will talk more about it tonight. I was frustrated and vented, doesn’t mean I think he’s a horrible person!

@Giraffle like you say, there should be balance, and it seems you have a good relationship overall.

Just remember you are important, and your growth is just as important

This is not a problem I have as I have a husband who pulls his weight and values my work and time as equal to his.

So he has now taken the day off, it shouldn't have resulted because you have stood firm, he should have stepped up when you said you had a busy week.

When we were both working we would usually do half days each so that we were seen at work and could deal with anything important.

Ill kids, childcare falling through is a pain but it absolutely shouldn't just default to you. I get what your saying about work places expecting mothers, this is when DH needs to say, actually we are a team and share the responsibility, it's not the 1950s anymore.

Its you that's got a shit partner. Not everyone is like that. My dad used to take days off to look after me when I was a child and I'm old as shit nowadays!!He took several months off work to look after my brother after an accident.
DH was the main person to stop at home when our kids were little.

You need to get your bloke to shape up.

Of course many people have partners who aren't sexist and share equal parenting. However I don't think this is the norm. It's all very well saying that this needed to be discussed prior to have a baby but many men change once the baby comes along. It's very hard to change this and insist when they just walk out the door to their job/hobby etc.

Regardless, society still expects and thinks it's a woman's job to step up for all the childcare stuff, it's very slow to change.

It's hard to change a man with this sexist attitude however you can change how you react/what you do. Does you DH do his share otherwise e.g. 50/50 on washing, cleaning, cooking etc?

really? someone who stays at home, not furthering their career comes out better than someone with their own earning power?
Very often, yes.

I'm an ICU nurse, my job is way more important than my partners, he would tell you this himself, so he does 99% of the school runs and also will do any sickness!

But he also has an amazing company he works for, so he can start late, and either he takes a day off for childcare or he owes them the time back

I don't think it's just you op. I have a friend who's a school secretary and she often calls the dad fist of a kid needs picking up. She said the first response from the dads is often 'is their mum not picking up the phone'? Followed by 'I'll call her and tell her to come and get x'.

Agree that you need to put your foot down but it's a societal problem.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You cannot attribute your partners lack of being a willing parent to all other people on earth.

Many families take turns to cover childcare/emergencies.

You dont actually have to settle for this.

This

We agreed to 50:50 but in all honesty, my husband does far more emergency child care than I do. He WFH and it is not easy for him but he can often manage to work early and into the night so I can still go to work.
Yours needs to step up!

And he gets told that I have to look after our toddler should it happen.

So he says.

@forinborin

really? someone who stays at home, not furthering their career comes out better than someone with their own earning power? Very often, yes.

If DH wont parent his own child you mean? Would be a deal breaker for me, I'm seriously not saying that OP should leave him in any way at all, but I would not stand for that. I fully respect that, but tell me what would you actually do? Not leave, but not tolerate it either? What then? So yes, if DH won't parent his own child, let's call it as it is.

Yeah - I would not stay with someone who did not respect me as a person

For the SAHP

So I have stayed at home, enabled my partner to go to work and climb the career ladder - they now have a lovely pension, and are paid very well - I work low paid low skilled jobs so i am always available to look after the children.

1 day, after many years, my partner leaves for someone else - what am i left with?

Bit of maintenance if the DC are still young, and i am lucky, I;m unlikely to get spousal as that doesn't really happen these days, and i am stuck on UC and tax top ups,.... How does that make my life coming out better then?

YANBU. However, I’d rather take a day off to look after poorly DD, as DH earns £15k more than I do.

I personally would see sensibility in the person who is not the bread winner taking time off, unless you’re more than comfortable to afford to, then YANBU.