To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

I would do it. It’s no different to getting into a grammar school on ability.

You will have to be open with them about the scholarship, and let DC2 try for one if they want even if you think they’re unlikely to get it.

But not letting DC1 try for a scholarship on the grounds that their sibling isn’t good enough to get one isn’t fair either.

One way of looking at it, is that years ago, one child in a family used to pass the 11+ grammar school test, and the other(s) not, and this was generally accepted as ok. There probably was some rancour, but many families were in the same boat, and so it did not feel so divisive, as the regime of the time forced it on to everyone. I guess the personalities and temperament of the individuals involved has an pact on how they take on board the difference in treatment, as the years go by.

It is not as if you are contemplating spending thousands on the education of the elder one - which means there isn't the need to save a fund of money to spend on another opportunity for your youngest to make things even in years to come.

I had two friends at uni who went to private schools on scholarships and their younger sibling did not, and all seemed well.

You will, of course, be encountering other issues, such as paying for trips and uniform at the private school, and putting by money for this.

If your children are mature enough for the conversation, it would be good to discuss with them the fact that you will always look out for schools and activities which suit each of them best and which allow them to fulfill their potential. You want to facilitate for them equally happy experiences using whatever means are available to you at any time.

Surely a private school isn't t going to give a child a 100% scholarship. That's quite unusual and there would be a lot of competition for such a place. It wouldn't just be handed over to a child whose friends with a chills who already goes.

however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.

Seconding the others who say check what % of the fees will be covered before you even look at it. A ‘full’ scholarship is often only 10% (at my daughter’s it goes up to 40% if you are exceptional at secondary age) - it would be extremely rare to offer 100% unless at that age, unless you’re on less than about 25k a year income, and your daughter is Enstein. Find this out first, as the whole thing will be a moot point otherwise!

My friends parents put their DS in private school but not my feiend.

She went on to be a top radiographer.
He dropped out of private school at 16 ,with no qualifications.

She still resents her parents for their decision, 35yrs ago!

I personally would'nt treat my DC differently.
Maybe change DC1 school but not for private.

[quote ThanksItHasPockets]@Branleuse pretty uncommon for the most common SEND to affect raw cognitive ability.[/quote]
Im trying to work out what you mean, as my kids do have SEN and very different types of ability between all three and I know plenty of families with noticeable difference in ability between children with or without SEN, so whether its common in wider population or not, its not so out of the question that it needs disregarding

I have two fairly similar kids although older and DD was never bullied at primary. She is now at the selective grammar and thriving although if she hadnt made it in she would have gone to the independent school we had as a back up.

DS wont go down the grammar route (its not actually that he isnt as intelligent he is just a very different personality) and he may go to the boys school that was ex grammar (not in catchment for the girls) or it maybe that the high school that was entirely wrong for DD is actually right for him - we will decide later.

We will decide on what is best for them as individuals because that is what they are - that is fair - equal doesnt mean fair and often actually isnt fair because you arent looking at them as separate people but a joint entity.

I would go to the Private school and discuss and take it from there

@Anotherimaginativeusername I can understand your dilemma here - you want both dc to thrive but also to be fair.

Key issues:
Logistics- school run, 2 places, different times will you/they be spending a lot of extra travel time each day? Would DC2 miss out in any clubs/activities because you have to collect DC1 elsewhere?

Secondary options - where do you plan for them to go? If the private school goes up to yr8 what would you do for DC1 then other than hope they get another scholarship? How close to moving to secondary are they? Would you be happy for your local state secondary for both DC?

Scholarship - would it put pressure on DC1 to perform? Is there a possibility it could be withdrawn in future years?

Extra costs - uniform/music/meals - can you match any payments that you make for DC1 for DC2s extra curricular activities. Even though DC2 is happy now you don’t want them to look back and feel they were given less opportunities and were the poor relation.

There probably was some rancour, but many families were in the same boat, and so it did not feel so divisive, as the regime of the time forced it on to everyone.

A rather glib statement, I feel. DH passed for the Grammar school, his sister didn't. She most definitely felt that she had been short changed educationally.

I could add that his parents did investigate a private school option for her, but were concerned that if they managed the fees, they wouldn't have been able to find the extras.

If you were paying for one child and not the other, that would be unfair. But you’re not paying - your child has earned this opportunity on her own merit, and as such it would unreasonable to take it away from her just because her sibling hasn’t achieved similar. If one child won a prize would you take it away because the other hadn’t also won? This is the same.

@Diverseopinions One way of looking at it, is that years ago, one child in a family used to pass the 11+ grammar school test, and the other(s) not, and this was generally accepted as ok. There probably was some rancour, but many families were in the same boat, and so it did not feel so divisive, as the regime of the time forced it on to everyone

Buckinghamshire present day, it’s still divisive.

It's not clear whether the child in question has earned the opportunity yet. There is no mention of passing an exam, and winning a scholarship - it all seems very tentative.

What are the secondary school options ? Do you have much choice there.

I would be more tempted to try and stimulate a range of activities for each child to ensure they were making the most of opportunities available to them and getting exposure to learning outside their comfort zone. Learning is not linear, so much changes in secondary.

YABU.

Private school for one DC costs £100k or so? A bursary scholarship might take it down 5-20%, so at most you’d still be spending £80k on one DC, and have said you can’t afford it.

@Dozer

YABU.

Private school for one DC costs £100k or so? A bursary scholarship might take it down 5-20%, so at most you’d still be spending £80k on one DC, and have said you can’t afford it.

Depends on income. I have known 100%, it’s very rare though, and you need to go through a big process not just an invitation to free education based as the op has put.

Im trying to work out what you mean, as my kids do have SEN and very different types of ability between all three and I know plenty of families with noticeable difference in ability between children with or without SEN, so whether its common in wider population or not, its not so out of the question that it needs disregarding

@Branleuse, you need to consider what you mean by 'ability'. It's common for siblings to have different attitudes to learning, or different temperaments, which will affect how they approach their education and ultimately affect their outcomes. Cognition is more about the raw ability of their brain to grasp new concepts, memory, problem solving etc.

It would be rare for biological siblings to have significantly different cognitive ability, except in cases of brain damage. It is very common for children to with certain SEND, especially dyslexia or ADHD, to be wrongly labelled as average or below average in ability. It's even more common for generalisations to be applied along gender lines.

If OP is making this decision in the best interests of her children's temperaments and personalities then this is valid reasoning. I think it's highly likely that even if she is not overestimating DC1's gifts that she may be underestimating DC2.

[quote VaVaGloom]**@Diverseopinions* One way of looking at it, is that years ago, one child in a family used to pass the 11+ grammar school test, and the other(s) not, and this was generally accepted as ok. There probably was some rancour, but many families were in the same boat, and so it did not feel so divisive, as the regime of the time forced it on to everyone*

Buckinghamshire present day, it’s still divisive.[/quote]
And Kent.

I worked with a child at a comprehensive whose twin attended the grammar. It caused a lot of pain.

You could be describing my DC
However BOTH are at Private Secondary, I wouldn’t send just one and in fact it’s probably the less academic one of my children who will benefit most.
We are lucky in that there is only a 1 year overlap for fees but I would really have been uncomfortable not sending both so I doubt we would have sent the older one if we couldn’t have sent her brother.
I went to Private school on a full scholarship and my brother still likes to bring up the favouritism 40 years later!

I think this is fine. You wouldn’t take DC2s sporting trophy away from him because DC1 will never be able to win a trophy in that sport would you? Send DC1 to the private school and make a commitment to DC2 that you will support him in his talents as much as you are supporting DC1 with his schooling and this is treating them equally. Holding 1 back isn’t treating them equally at all.

As PPs have said you need to think about the pressure DC1 May feel to maintain this scholarship for the rest of his education and he may feel stress about where he will go for secondary if it’s unclear what you will be able to afford. This would be a bigger issue for me.

And DD was offered a Grammar place but the main reason for her not going was that we knew her brother wouldn’t be when it was his turn and we didn’t want him to feel like “the thick one”

Tough one. If you were paying for it, then I would say absolutely not. The argument could have been, that it would have been more beneficial to send dd2 who is less academically able, private school could have given them a better chance at getting higher grades.

However, you’re not paying for it. It’s no different to sending one child to grammar school and the other to state school.

Technically you can’t pay to go to grammar school (although far too many parents pay far too much in private tutoring, for far too long, which completely defeats the object of it being purely for the academic, regardless of wealth status of parents.... but hey that’s another thread and people will argue ‘but my Billy would have passed anyway’ (so then what’s the point in paying for years of tutoring.... 🧐)

I don’t think your situation is at all the same. Clearly your dc is very academic, without needing private tuition. They are clearly are very clever as the school wouldn’t offer scholarships unless they are super academic.

I wouldn’t hold them back as it’s purely their natural ability that’s getting them a place - not your money. Even if if decided not to send them, your other dc still wouldn’t be able to go. So it’s not a choice of one or the other. It’s out of your hands.

I would do it OP. Also going back to grammar schools, if a parent has a DC1 and they passed the entrance test purely on academic ability then 2 years later their younger siblings failed the test, no one would remove their first child because the second didn’t get it.

It’s not just a prize, though. It’s years of schooling which can cause a cultural divide between family members.
I voted yanbu having not spotted that these are primary aged children. I’ve changed my mind. You would be setting off on a journey where you have no idea how the route will pan out regarding secondary.
I have a family friend whose brother was put in private school and his sister resented it, even though he needed it objectively and she didn’t. She carried this with her into adulthood, and actually got her parents to pay for her son to attend private school as compensation years later.

I think grammar schools are awful. I’m so grateful not to have had that opportunity for my kids . My cousin’s kds did; the older one passed, and the younger one failed. I don’t know how the younger one isn’t going to internalise some level of inadequacy as a result. Especially as she is very competitive.

It would be fine, sounds like it would do DC1 the world of good.

Fairness is giving each child the best support for their needs. If you have a disabled child that got one to one care at school would you feel bad for not getting the same for a neurotypical child? No.

Different kids, different needs, different solutions.