To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

Potentially DC1 needs a new school. It doesn’t have to be private.

@AcrobaticCardigan

If you were paying I’d say absolutely not, however if he was offered a scholarship based on academic ability, it would be silly not to let him take the opportunity.

Totally agree. I was a scholarship child at an academic school and it completely.changed the course of my life. Interestingly, it positively changed the course of my younger sibling's life too, in his as well as my view. It was harder to manage at the time, is it single sex? I think that helps.

Are you sure that the private school is actually sustainable, if you are saying they are offering to have him on a no fee basis? My DD was at a private primary, and the scholarships they offered for the senior school got increasingly higher as the financial difficulties got worse. The senior school went bust.
Fwiw, my sister (8 years older than me) went to private school and I went to a sink school. I didn't hold it against her, was very happy with my schooling and actually did better in terms of exam grades than she did.

I don't see why it is any different to one child going to a grammar school and one to a comprehensive. It's schooling based on the child's ability. One of my siblings went to grammar and the rest of us comp. It never occurred to me to think any of it, they were just more suited to that kind of school.

If you turn down the opportunity for DC1 to attend the school most appropriate to their needs, will you also ensure that DC2 doesn't attend a school appropriate to theirs? If DC1 wanted an expensive pedigree dog as their pet but DC2 wanted a cheap goldfish, would you force DC2 to have an expensive pedigree pet? If DC2 outgrows their shoes, does DC1 have to have a new pair at the same time?

Siblings often have different interests and needs which may come with different price tags. I don't believe they need to be treated equally in terms of having the same amount of money etc. spent on them but would hope each would receive the same amount of support and encouragement for whatever their interests are/wherever their talents lie. If you're unable to afford to send either child to a fee-paying school but are willing to support them both through the busary application process for any school that meets their needs, I see no problem with that at all. I see all sorts of issues in the future if DC1 is denied the opportunity to attend the school, fully funded, because their younger sibling isn't as academically gifted and so it wouldn't be fair. That's a huge responsibility to put on a younger sibling!

Hmmme, I am less sure. DH went to some truly shocking stateschools, did well is a chef exec and has had a global impact.... He's not exactly suffered and has a good life. Like your dd I was bored witless at school, under catered for and occasionally a bit painful, but I learnt --in hindsight- a great deal about how others think and learn and it has made me (as an adult) a more empathetic and engaging leader. If DC are bright they'll be just fine wherever and they may just pick up some sotf skills (with your guidance and help) that they are less likely to have use for in an Uber 'we're all successful here' environment.

I get quite irritated when (average) kids are classed as either academic or not too early..the early reader might be classed as crap at maths etc
Also value art etc as this may be what they love.
And NO I would not give one child that opportunity and not the other

I think every child is different and so you should choose your schools accordingly. The private school might not be inherently better, just better for DC1. Likewise if DC2 is happy at his school then why move him? Ask DC 2 how he feels and if he's happy at his school he probably wouldnt want to move anyway.

If it’s a genuine scholarship and you could take it up without having a big impact on family life (e.g. holidays and activities) then you should go for it. I was the older sensitive academic child and my grandparents offered to pay for private because I was badly bullied and my parents declined. My brother loved the state school and was happy there. We both did well academically but the impact on my mental health and confidence of being an outcast at school are still there 20 years later. However, you need to make sure you are clear on what’s being offered as it would be awful if she settled then you had to pull her out mid secondary

@WhipperSnapperSteve

If you want to engender a golden child/scapegoat scenario, go ahead.

This

It’s unusual to have one child being profoundly gifted and the other average. Siblings are usually within 10 IQ points of each other. Have you had both kids tested?

We were told to get both our kids tested because it is so common for families to anoint one as the golden child and the other as the average but fine. And then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as the gifted kid gets all the special treatment. In our case our 2nd child did indeed have an IQ within 10 points of their sibling, so is also gifted and in the right environment has absolutely thrived and is outperforming the more gifted child due to their more easygoing personality.

Also, full scholarships are fraught. Read the fine print! What happens if your child isn’t happy there, do you need to repay fees if you want to leave? Are there performance expectations on your child? Someone I know is hauled into the principal’s office and threatened with their scholarship being reduced if they are not in the top 5 in every subject. Other scholarship kids have not been allowed to withdraw from debating or orchestra even when they are struggling with burnout. A scholarship is not a gift, it is a contract.

They are already unequal very different children with differing abilities and needs. To treat hem the same would be unfair to DC1 who is experiencing bullying.

Why not put them in different schools that meets their needs and at which they are both likely to flourish. Treating children equally doesn't always mean treating them the same.

Life throws very few opportunities at us I think when it dies you need to take them.

Another way of thinking if it it is if DC1 was a gifted athlete but DC2 was average, would you deny DC1 the opportunity to join the olympics team if that were on offer? Just because DC2 wouldn't be able to? I hope the answer is no.

Give DC2 some other opportunities to do things where they can shine. It's a good opportunity to talk about skills and abilities and how different people have different ones.

Your DC2 with their innate social skills is always going to have the easier smoother life and likely be able to crate a lot of their own opportunities because if it. Don't deny DC1 their leg up.

I would be very, very wary of any offer of 100% fee discount from any independent school. It's highly likely that there will be hidden extras to pay for. And 100% bursary usually comes with pressure on the DC to maintain exceptionally high levels of academic attainment - if they fail to keep the standard up, the bursary will be withdrawn. Will your DC cope with that kind of pressure? Is it just a prep school, or does it go to 16/18? If only a prep, what happens for secondary? You could find yourselves in a situation where DC1 gets coddled in a nice private prep and then has to go into the state system at 11.

I'm not saying don't do it. But you need to look long term, don't be blinded by glossy prep school marketing. I'm not anti independent schools at all - DC2 is off to one in September - but they are businesses, and they will only keep DC there if it is in their interests to do so.

Personally I think it is absolutely fine to have DC at different schools as long as it is justifiable and fair. But just be aware of the conditions attached to a bursary and go into it with your eyes open.

Each child is different, do what’s best for them individually. My school friend had 2 brothers who went to Grammar school, she didn’t because she didn’t pass her 11+. There is nothing wrong with their relationship, they are all really close. My old boss also sent one of his DCs to a fee paying school and the other to a Montessori school as this was what was best for each child.

I would happily send mine to different schools if it was best for them. I’ve always taught them they are individuals and have different talents. They have always done different activities out of school as they like different things so they are fully aware that what works for one dosnt necessary work for the other.

@Anotherimaginativeusername

Thanks for your reply. This is what DH thinks, but I struggle seeing DC1 unhappy at school, and feel that if they are both in an environment that suits them best, and we are not paying for private schooling, then they are both being treated equally and without favour. DC2 is so happy at school, that I don’t see DC2 feeling like they’re getting less than DC1. I could be wrong of course, very wrong, and this is why I am torn over it.

I think you are absolutely right. Equal is not always the same.

Some state schools are better than private schools. It’s not about equality of cost but equality of education. But it’s not as if you’re paying for DD anyway so you wouldn’t be spending dramatically more money on one than the other.

I think it would be really unfair to DC1 to keep them in a school where they're miserable just for the sake of keeping equality with DC2.

For what it's worth, we did something similar with our children. DC1 was very shy and we could see her drowning in a large school, so she went to a small private school. We were quite prepared to send DC2, who was more extrovert, to a private school in the interests of fairness, but he was adamant that he wanted to stay with his mates who were staying in the state system. I'm not convinced that it was the best thing for him, just because he got very disenchanted with it by the time he got to Y11 and started generally opting out, but that was because the school went downhill around that time and really didn't have a handle on discipline and teaching. I really don't think we could have forced him into a private school in Y7.

I went to private school and my sister went to the comprehensive..I passed the 11+ and got a scholarship there . I can honestly say that we never actually cared as sisters .

My family did this and sibling that went to state school still resents it hugely more than 20 years later.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Won’t there be loads of costs of private even on a scholarship? Have you looked into that and can you afford it?

I think this might be a concern? The costs of school trips, uniforms, extra curricular activities etc may still be down to you.

In general I think if this was secondary you should do it - if DC1 can get a scholarship then great! But you haven't answered about what happens after primary? Might they get another scholarship? Might they have to go back to mainstream - which could be harder to adjust to after a couple of years out?

In terms of fairness, you would need to talk to DC2 and ensure they understood and were happy. Many children go to different schools so it needn't be a problem per se - but will DC1 have shorter terms? Saturday school? Ski trips? Access to sporting facilities that DC2 will be sad not to have? And of course posh, rich friends with fancy houses and holidays etc.....

If your child is being offered a free place based on their academic ability you would be awful to not let them fulfill their potential just because their sibling is not as bright as them.
Have you asked your kids. I have twins - my son doesn't want to go to private school he prefers the local grammar school as it means he can walk with his friends. I threaten him with sending him to private if he doesn't keep his grades up! My daughter prefers the private school even though the travel means her day is 3hrs longer than his.

Thanks for the replies. The range of opinion and reasoning closely mirrors the debate we’re having at home, along with some new perspectives. It’s good to hear from people who’ve been in similar situations as well.

Someone upthread made a good point about whether private schooling would make much of a difference to DC1’s eventual grades; maybe, maybe not, but they’d likely be happier and more fulfilled. And my argument in favour leans more towards happiness and fulfilment than qualifications.

Another good point made was about associated expenses with private school. We’re prepared for this, and honestly DC2 will continue to receive equally in terms of monetary input, and our time. Something we’re already used to balancing, with the various clubs, sports, and activities that the DC are into.

My twin was put through private school due to poor performance and behaviour while I was left in the very average local comp as I was doing 'ok'. This was to my detriment as it meant me giving up my hobbies (full fees). I would say your situation sounds fine as it is on merit and you're not paying, although you'll need to work hard to prevent jealousies developing. You must also help your second child to apply for any scholarship if they wish, they then cannot blame you later for not being selected.
As an adult now I have a poor relationship with my sibling as I feel they have been happy to always take all the resources and they use the advantages private school has given them while I (just as successful) have had to work so much harder. I'll never fully forgive my parents either. It's the resource inequity that I have a problem with and your daughter has/will have won her scholarship on merit - you'd be doing her a disservice preventing her from taking this great opportunity.

There are people who’d discuss where their primary age DC1 goes to school with their younger sibling DC2?! And ask if they were happy or ok with it?!

They’re presumably what, seven? Eight?What do you expect them to say? Are you going to hold them to their answer or answer complaints about it as an adult with “well age six you were very happy for DC1 to go to a different school”? A child that age doesn’t have the perspective or life experience for that kind of decision and it’s not fair to put that on them. I’m not sure I’d give DC1 much input, depending on whether we’re talking about age six or ten, but I certainly wouldn’t ask DC2 or “ensure they were happy”. It’s a hard decision but as the adult I’d own it, not give it to my kids.

I went to a state school (grammar). Both my siblings went private with scholarships. In fact I am the only child from my wider family who was not privately educated. Its fine. We are still close as adults. There were advantages and disadvantages for both of us. I dont bear a grudge about it, we were individuals and I respect that my parents made choices that reflected our needs and our personal circumstances. Treat g children fairly does not mean treat g them exactly the same.