To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

[Bul21ia]

@Lyonesse2020

This happened to me and my brother - I went private and he state. I think the reason that this worked is that my parents were totally up front with us both, so we knew that they could not afford private school for either of us, and I only went because I was awarded a bursary and sponsorship. When it came to my brother, my parents explored scholarships he could have got, but he was not interested in those schools so went to the local comp instead. He did well there and now has a Masters (I only have a bachelor's degree) and earns quite a bit more than I do!

This is the thing your brother got higher grades than you and earns more sorry not to put you down! I’m just using your example that if things go the opposite way the sibling who is state educated is likely to feel resentment.

[Bul21ia]

No I think it’s unfair OP. From reading on here parents usually rave about the private experience rather than the overall education/grades.

One child is likely to have a better start in life... a peg up in life by quite a few notches... the kids will never let it down (possibly). Rightly so how could you justify that OP.

You could move your child school before you think of private schools for a start.

[Heronwatcher]

I have a very close, very level headed and successful friend who was not sent to private school, but her brother was. I would say that this has dogged her throughout her life and has seriously affected her relationship with her parents, and her sibling. There is absolutely no way in the world I would do it,

[LipstickLou]

@CroydianSlip

There's so many things wrong here -

A) is this school really everything you want it to be? Would you have considered it or are you being led and informed by the family of the friend? Remember they will have an agenda too. People often rave about schools when they move their kids, particularly in the first flush of enthusiasm and novelty, and the grumbles and more realistic measured appraisal comes later. If they are stretching themselves financially or logistically they will want to amplify any perceived benefit to justify their decisions. Are they hoping your dd will move so they can share lifts or becaise their dd hasn't made friends for eg. Even if it's truly amazing for their child, only you can decide that for your child and it may be that there is a better fit locally if you're seriously looking at scholarships and bursaries.

B) Are you really sure the school is offering anything like a full fees scholarship? This seems so unlikely and unusual. Most schools have a competitive process for allocating awards that existing families will also have applied for. Even scholarships and bursaries thought to be generous require the recipient's family to pay thousands and thousands a year to make up the difference and cover additional costs of uniform, meals, transport, exam fees, trips etc. Independent education is a huge expense, rising every year. Scholarships and bursaries are normally re reviewed each academic year and therefore if you can't afford it you may have to move her again.

C) Why would your sensitive, socially awkward child definitely be better off in a setting where she is the new, scholarship child? Be very very wary of assuming private means kinder, more nurturing or less stressful. If you are a family who can't afford private education then don't underestimate the social stress you and your child may feel re your home, holidays, car and set up. I was the poorer child at a private school and I was v socially capable but found the disparity between the accepted norms of my much wealthier classmates and the (very happy and in many ways v lucky) more constrained home life I led v difficult at times.

D) ask yourself what you want for you children and family and if this is the only way of achieving it. Could moving within the state sector be a better solution? Applying to access financial support to enable both to benefit from independent education (if you feel it is a benefit, I don't necessarily agree). Could you put money to a better use to benefit the whole family ie enrichment, theatre trips, holidays and travel, museum weekends, extra curriculars, a parent working less etc. There are many ways to improve children's educational and social outcomes if you have spare funds and it doesn't have to be choosing to spend that money on one child going to a private school.

E) Could you or would you look into similar bit different options if your second child requested or developed a need? Maybe they will want to attend a school with great music tuition, or their academics will require greater support to ensure they achieve minimum grades. Are you open and able to scout around for opportunities for them in the future? While treating kids the same does not mean doing the same for each child, it does mean supporting them with the same enthusiasm and energy when they emed it. If you tie up all your resources in your older child and can't do the same for your younger, this is where the resentment will come in.

There's so much to say but this doesn't sound like an easy-win happy ending to me.

This is a brilliant answer. However I asked my mainly privately educated daughter how she would have felt if her brother went to one school and she another. She is now nearly 18 so very much reflective. She actually said if one person has the opportunity why not. She hated her scholarship place but it had nothing to do with her brother (he was head boy, year 13 by then). More about ROI for the school.

[rarat]

Resentment will likely depend on outcomes, if the child without the same opportunity still feels successful as an adult then there is less chance of resentment or if the child is offered the same opportunity or different ones but is happy with their choices then it's less likely to cause resentment.

It's very different being offered the chance to go to private school & saying no I prefer to stay where I am to we can only afford to send one of you & it's not you.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

You're focussing on not sending DC1 to private school as you don't want to be unfair to DC2 but the flip side is, you'd keep DC1 somewhere he isn't thriving so DC2. Doesn't feel let down, which is unfair to DC1 so that is the same concept, you're happy to let DC1 down so as not to upset DC2

DC2 doesn't need to be told the explicit details of DC1s schooling, that it is private or costs money, those kids if things can be kept from primary we children, and DC2 may have an opportunity at some point else through his life that you will need to invest in. Raising more than one child is a long road, and each of your children do not have to have the same amount of money or investment or commitment from you at the exact same time so try not a tie yourself up in knots about being fair, each of your children will get what is right from them, when it is right, because one has something doesn't mean the other has to have it there and then also....it's that dreaded mum guilt that we all suffer from that prevents us seeing the bigger picture

If you can get a scholarship or reduced fees you'd be daft not to send him, just sending you this for the two school runs per day 😂

[IncludesFreeOnlineEdition]

@Dustyhedge

I’d be a bit wary actually. I think it would be odd that a popular school would be willing to take an out of year application with no fees. On what basis have you actually spoken to the school? Is it a ‘there may be scholarships and bursaries available for academically bright etc’ or have they specifically offered you a package. I’d find the latter a bit odd if you haven’t actually met them yet.

I think this poster is correct and actually your dilema is "acedemic" in that it won't actually happen. Scholarships are awarded at certain times - ie exams sat for example, in January. It is really very unlikely that they will actually offer 100%. I looked at some in our city and the most generous one offered up to 40% of fees for exceptionally gifted girls whose parents couldn't afford the fees. Times are hard for private schools - they really do need the fees and need to justify them too.
If I am wrong and the school (not the parents of the dc's friend) actually offer 100% fees covered for x many years, there really are other costs. Uniforms are VERY expensive as are the school meals (although probably delicious). There will be LOTS of extras (e.g homework club etc) - also later on, GCSE entries.

[caringcarer]

My dd won a scholarship at 11 for whole of High School. We asked my DS if he wanted to go and we would have scrimped to send him if he did but he said no as did not want to attend on Saturdays. My dd loved all of the extracurricular activities on Wednesday afternoons. She did First Aid, horse riding, learned Esperanto, tennis, piano and was also allowed to do 3 modern foreign languages at GCSE so could avoid both Art and Drama which she hated. There were also loads of sporting opportunities she could have taken but she was not sporty.

[Dustyhedge]

I’d be a bit wary actually. I think it would be odd that a popular school would be willing to take an out of year application with no fees. On what basis have you actually spoken to the school? Is it a ‘there may be scholarships and bursaries available for academically bright etc’ or have they specifically offered you a package. I’d find the latter a bit odd if you haven’t actually met them yet.

[Lyonesse2020]

This happened to me and my brother - I went private and he state. I think the reason that this worked is that my parents were totally up front with us both, so we knew that they could not afford private school for either of us, and I only went because I was awarded a bursary and sponsorship. When it came to my brother, my parents explored scholarships he could have got, but he was not interested in those schools so went to the local comp instead. He did well there and now has a Masters (I only have a bachelor's degree) and earns quite a bit more than I do!

[bonfireheart]

Have you asked DC2?
For primary, I took my daughter out of private and into a state school. She thrived at the state school. She's now at secondary school that she absolutely loves and if I even suggested she goes to a private school now she would say no. Ask DC2 if you moved DC1 to private would they want to move too? And explain to them that everyone is different, and the same thing doesn't suit everyone eg one likes football, other detests it, one likes x school, other doesn't. Open n honest communication regardless of their ages will help you here. And if you give them both the same care, attention etc then they'll be less issues. DC2 will only be "jealous" if they deem private school to be the better option, but doesn't seem like they do.

[Talkwhilstyouwalk]

If it's a scholarship or if he is able to get some funding towards it then he absolutely deserves to go and get the best education that he can. YANBU!

[omgwhy]

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I totally understand that every single case is different.

I assuming this is why the OP is asking and seeking out both sides.

Both my sons go to a private school we did look at using a different private school for one of them, so I agree different schools can and do work but I don't agree different schools one state one private!

That's my opinion only as I think regardless of right now explaining to children doesn't stop the later life issues.

[sanfranfibber]

@omgwhy

For no please don't do this, I have some very good friends now in their mid 40s who still to this day harbour resentments over their siblings going private while they didn't.

For context it was the girl in the family who got a scholarship and the boy, my friend who stayed state. He worked had had fun great person and is now doing a fairly well paid manual role, his sister got fantastic grades, went to uni, had an amazing career and a totally different lifestyle of London friends, wealthy and then met and married her banker husband.

Honestly it's extreme the differences in them financially but he rightly so is still bloody livid 40+ years later, it destroyed their friendship, split them friend and socially and his sister won't or can't regonise her privileges and looks down on him.

I've spoken in length to him as I had a similar dilemma with my sons and I've got two years left of paying fees as I chose to send them both based 100% on talking to him.

For me it's both or neither.

Your friends sounds like an asshole. It's not his sisters fault that she got a scholarship - to hold that against her all this years later is an asshole.

Her not going to the private school wouldn't have improved his outcomes or financial success.

[Tatum1234]

My parents did this, it’s caused no end of problems between my two brothers and they barely speak now.

[Diverseopinions]

I think personality must have a lot to do with whether there is resentment, and whether that resentment is expressed in a jokey, ' ribbing' fashion, or deeply felt.

[Ravenclawsome]

I'd very much see this as YOU are treating them equally but DC1 has EARNED their place at the private school by virtue of it being a scholarship.

If we still had to old-style grammar school streaming via the 11-plus from the sounds of it your DC would have ended up at different levels of school, and in a way this isn't that much different- except that DC2 will still get an all round education, rather than a technically focused one.

[StillRailing]

If one is enabled by scholarship that might tip me into doing it.

[RockingMyFiftiesNot]

I had a friend who was the only one of 5 children not privately educated (they couldn't afford for all and they prioritised her younger brother over her). She still went to university and has a great job yet this has never stopped hurting her.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but you need to manage it carefully.

Sometimes you have to treat differently to treat them fairly. If you have one DC that wouldn't thrive in the local state school, and one who would do ok, then it's not fair either.

Don't emphasise the state vs private bit, stress that you are focussing on choosing the right school for each of them.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

@omgwhy

For no please don't do this, I have some very good friends now in their mid 40s who still to this day harbour resentments over their siblings going private while they didn't.

For context it was the girl in the family who got a scholarship and the boy, my friend who stayed state. He worked had had fun great person and is now doing a fairly well paid manual role, his sister got fantastic grades, went to uni, had an amazing career and a totally different lifestyle of London friends, wealthy and then met and married her banker husband.

Honestly it's extreme the differences in them financially but he rightly so is still bloody livid 40+ years later, it destroyed their friendship, split them friend and socially and his sister won't or can't regonise her privileges and looks down on him.

I've spoken in length to him as I had a similar dilemma with my sons and I've got two years left of paying fees as I chose to send them both based 100% on talking to him.

For me it's both or neither.

You can't generalise from one case. Don't you think in your friend's case this could have happened anyway, if his sister had passed the 11+ and gone to grammar school, and he didn't and went to the secondary modern or a comprehensive school? Or even if they'd both gone to a comprehensive school and she was in top sets and did O levels/GCSEs, then A levels and off to university, but he was in lower sets and left with far less in the way of qualifications?

Even if his parents had found the money to send him to the private school without a scholarship or bursary, would he have been happy there and kept up with the work?

Horses for courses. My children were very different and the options available to us were different too. Our daughter is extremely bright but not an academic all-rounder. She is on the autistic spectrum and at 11 would have struggled with travelling to school on public transport. Fortunately, she was able to go to a very good girls' state school within walking distance.

We couldn't get a place for our son at an equally good state school taking boys. He was an all-rounder and got an academic scholarship to a fee-paying school, which we decided to take up. We were not confident that he would have been happy and would have found friends at any of the state schools in our area that could have taken him, nor did we think he would have been able to carry on working at the pace he was capable of, as we could see from their admissions data that they were getting very few children from the top band of ability (back then Lewisham schools used academic banding for admissions purposes, and this was published). It wasn't an easy decision, but he was happy at school and did extremely well, so no regrets here.

We talked the whole thing through with our daughter and she understood the position. We were clear with her that if it had been the other way around we'd have been doing the same for her (and in fact did pay for her to go a fee-paying school for sixth form, as the A level subjects she wanted to do were only available there).

Doing the right thing for your children doesn't always mean doing exactly the same thing.

[chestnutmares]

I would do it, if it's a full scholarship. Would you put one of them into a different (free) state school if it helped them? Then this isn't really that different - you're not paying a huge chunk of cash to give one different opportunities to the other. If both kids are happy and thriving, surely that's the best outcome? Good luck with whatever you decide.

[MilduraS]

My older sister went to a private school on a scholarship because she was very gifted. I had the opportunity to apply for a scholarship too but didn't want to. My brother and sister weren't great academically and didn't get the chance at all.

None of us resent our parents for it. We were from a working class family and it was very clear that the only way my sister could go to the school was through working her backside off to get a scholarship and passing some very difficult tests. She's gone on to be the most successful of the four of us, partly because of her education but mostly because she's continued to work her backside off so we're happy for her, not jealous. If your daughters were both gifted and you only offered the opportunity to one child that would be unfair but if only one is capable of getting a scholarship I think it would be unfair to hold her back.

[Soozikinzi]

If DC1 has got a scholarship then I would say it is fair be you're not paying. We have 6 sons and only one got a rugby scholarship for his sixth form at a boarding school. The others don't begrudge that at all . Although you need to be aware they will be mixing with some VERY wealthy people. The son who had the rugby scholarship is the one we see the least of our of all of them . But they may have happened anyway who knows?

[PureAndEasy]

She has earned this opportunity and it would be wrong to stop her benefiting from it. If you had to pay, I would have said YABU to send her, but a scholarship is something she has had to work for and earn.

[Kentuki]

Of course you send DC1. They’ve got the opportunity not because of something you are doing (paying), in which case you should do it for both, but for an innate talent THEY have, which can’t be “equal” because it can’t be replicated. What if DC2 auditions and gets in to a prestigious drama company, or does successful trials for the local football club, or has his painting entered into an art competition, are they not going to be allowed to do these things because DC1 can’t?

The equality you are giving them is one of opportunity. You’ve obviously been savvy enough to find this opportunity for DC1, so when the time comes I am sure you be will be savvy enough to lean in to opportunities for DC2.