To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

I went to private school and my brother went to state grammar. No one is holding any grudges. YANBU

I wouldn't do it. My Dsis was in a similar situation a few years ago, older child went off to the prestigious school, great . Then their next child asked to go as well - Dsis got the guilts and ended up sending second child who is costing them a fortune in fees , which they really can't afford but now can't turn the clock back. Dsis and her husband are both working two jobs and hardly have any home life, just to pay for the school fees ( and a lot of extras for both children, since the original scholarship didn't cover all those expenses ).

Think this through, taking into account that you could end up with a very expensive situation on your hands because of this offer.

I also caution you to re-examine your assertion that DC1 is ‘profoundly gifted’ and DC2 ‘academically average’. SEND aside it is unlikely that two biologically related siblings with a moderately small age gap have significant differences in their cognitive ability. I suspect that you are interpreting personality differences as academic ability. It is much more likely that DC1 is quiet and studious and more focused on their learning, whilst more gregarious DC2 is more easily distracted by his friends. If this is the case then it’s very likely that it’s DC2 who would experience the biggest improvement in outcomes from private education.

I agree, just because DC2 seems different doesn't mean they won't thrive in a private environment, the benefits are not just academic.

I’d do it.

I also think this is just how the private system works. My oldest is at a Prep school that DC2 will hopefully also go to. There is an assessment and they may not pass (no automatic entry to siblings). If DC2 doesn’t we will need to find another school - either state or private so kind of by definition, she won’t be at the first choice school that DC1 is. There are children at school with siblings at different schools, it’s fairly normal. Then at 11+ point anyway siblings often go their separate ways as they go to the independent or grammar school most suited to them and their needs and abilities. There are probably about 8-10 senior schools close enough for us to consider and I’d be surprised if they end up at the same one (not least because about half are single sex).

FWIW, other than school trips costs don’t need to be much higher. Everyone I know if at school uses the second hand sale to some degree, it’s very useful and easier than waiting for clothes to be sent from the supplier anyway. I’ve seen snobbery on MN about children wearing second hand schools but I’ve never seen this at private schools...

@Branleuse pretty uncommon for the most common SEND to affect raw cognitive ability.

If they offer DC1 a free ticket for life then fine... but if at 11 DC2 asks for the same school, what will you do OP?

Did you go through the application process or did they just offer it?

I’d go for it

My parents sent my siblings to private schools and not me. I’ve never felt remotely like I was second best or got less good opportunities- admittedly it was a great grammar school, but their philosophy was less about exact equality but instead recognising that your most important job as a parent is to identify your children’s unique gifts and help them to fly. They did the same for my sister in a completely different way - she wasn’t at all academic but they helped her to figure out a perfect career for her that means she now earns more than most of my Oxbridge educated friends. Similarly my brother got support at his private school for his unusually good artistic talent that none of our family had any experience in, to the extent he went to an Ivy League school for a masters in it and now has a career in it. I would resent far more if I felt they hadn’t nurtured our individual talents and needs in the name of “equality”.

It’s easy to explain to your other child - “everyone has special skills and abilities, DC1 will be supported in these best at the new school, you are good at xyz and we’re also constantly looking for ways to help you develop those talents, whether at school or outside and whether now or in the future”.

Pretending your children are the same isn’t the same as treating them equally.

YABU. You will create a division between your DC. DC1 will have smaller classes so more chances of 1:1 teacher time. They will also have more opportunities for extracurricular activities and networking.

DC2 will always be seen as second best, not “good enough.” People will constantly compare them. I feel so sorry for DC2.

How old are they? You say they’re primary aged, but happy, content primary aged children can change as they grow up.

Only skim read but I don't know how old the dc with average ability is?
Dc blossom at different times and that dc may need support.

I'm looking at a similar dilmena though, one dc is solid academically and is in a very good all around grammar, the other needs support and would suit smaller classes, if I had to send dc2 private then I wouldn't feel guilty because the state doesn't provide for her needs but does for older dc needs. Older dc school is like a private school and couldn't really be any better.

Pretending your children are the same isn’t the same as treating them equally.

I agree & you are a positive example because you were not treated the same but given equal opportunity in recognising & nurturing your talents. Unfortunately not every child gets that opportunity.

And by the way, one of the main reasons I’d support the move is because your child is miserable and often bullied at school. If they’re that unhappy this isn’t a situation that can just be left to go on indefinitely for the sake of DC2, who is happy. That would then be giving DC2 preferential treatment.

If they were both unhappy you’d presumably be looking at changing something? So if one is, change something for just the one.

@Misaki

YABU - It's a really good way to make your DC2 feel like they're not good enough. It'll stick with them for life.

But they are not good enough to get into the private school. Its a scholarship and DC1 has earned the right to attend whilst DC2 hasn't. You would be selfish not to let them attend.

Also, why do you think DC1 is “profoundly gifted”?

I have two dc and I think I would really struggle in this situation.
However
A. Dc1 is unhappy
B. There is potentially a rare opportunity for dc1 to go to this school at vastly reduced cost, which won’t happen for dc2
C. Dc2 is happy
I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to want to move a child who is struggling where they are. Presumably dc2 will understand that. At the very least you should be prepared to pay more for dc2’s clubs/trips/private tuition to try and keep things as fair as you can though.

My DH was exactly the same as a child he got a full scholarship to private school SIL stayed state school.

There wasn't any resentment and still isn't as adults between them as they both did best in the environment they went to and it was equal on other grounds.

The biggest question is does your child want to go if so and on scholarship then give them the opportunity to do so.

Way I see it is if your other child was say gifted in a sport and offered a place on a subsidised training camp where they could advance and excel you wouldn't say no because sibling couldn't go!

Re read your post and it seems you have jumped ahead rather. This school "may be willing" to offer free fees, and you are due to speak to them very soon? I'd speak first before jumping ahead on this. Schools don't just give out free places.

I had a boyfriend who was one of four. Three went to private school, one didn’t because he wasn’t very academic so it would be “a waste of money”. That kid went off the rails, was very bitter (unsurprisingly in my opinion!) and went on to cut his parents off as an adult. He never got over the hurt of being treated so unfairly. Not exactly the same circumstances but I think the same in principle. I wouldn’t do it personally.

@Gtfcovid

My view is that you are confusing equality with treating everyone the same. I have never done the equal spend for Christmas and birthdays, exactly the same discipline etc as my children are individuals and sometimes need different things. I’ve never counted up, but I reckon over the years, the amount we have spent on each of them is roughly equal but if one needs a laptop and the other wants something cheaper for Christmas, that’s what they get. In this case, one of your children would benefit from something and can get it without impacting on your other child - I may be advising differently if your other child would have to do without things for you to be able to afford fees. Why wouldn’t you?

Couldn't have said it better @Gtfcovid

It's exactly what we do and it makes sense, so that everyone thrives in their own way.

Apologies haven’t had chance to RTFT. We had DC1 at state school. Had never considered private. DC1 is very similar to your DC1 and was bullied badly leading to bed wetting, panic attacks etc. School were useless. Ended up after trying for 2 years to get school to deal with it moving DC1 to private. We were also worried about treating children equally so when DC2 started school they were sent to same private school. HOWEVER there are many families at the school where only 1 DC is sent and the siblings are at a variety of local state schools. The families all have good reasons why a child was moved - bullying being a common one and SEN being better dealt with at the private who have great learning support provision being the other common one. For some families it was that the child moved is very academic and was not reaching potential. Not one of these families has an issue between the children. In fact they use “spare” money for extra curricular for the child in state school. Most (Not all) of these families move the child into state for secondary and I’m not aware of any issues. Many children from the private school go to local secondary schools so it isn’t anything strange to the child moving back into state. You make the best decision you can at the time with the resources available to you. If there’s explanations given to the children there shouldn’t be any issues. Good luck OP.

@SteveArnottsCodeine

I had a boyfriend who was one of four. Three went to private school, one didn’t because he wasn’t very academic so it would be “a waste of money”. That kid went off the rails, was very bitter (unsurprisingly in my opinion!) and went on to cut his parents off as an adult. He never got over the hurt of being treated so unfairly. Not exactly the same circumstances but I think the same in principle. I wouldn’t do it personally.

That is so bad, what were the parents thinking

It can be done but not like this

The greatest gift you can give to a child is psychological safety IMO, and you get that from feeling safe and secure, which it doesn't appear that DC1 is at school. As long as DC2 is happy and you are sensitive to their needs, I would do it.

Fairness is about giving people what they need rather than giving everyone the same thing. I agree talk to DC2 and ask if they want to go to the private school. If the answer is yes then don’t just send DC1 as that is unfair. If the answer is no then no reason not to send DC1

You need to find out a lot more about fees before you consider it. "may be willing to take DC1 without fees" doesn't mean a whole lot. There are lots more costs than just the tuition and you don't know if it will be tuition free for his entire time at school. In this circumstance usually the more clever child goes to Grammer school.

My parents did this, sent my sister to private school and me to state school. I always felt like I was second best and I still do.