To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

It's lovely being branded as the average one at such a young age. No need to consider that they may just be developing at their own pace and are actually equally as capable.

It shouldn't and most likely won't be 100% scholarship. That wouldn't be good use of the independent school's charitable status and fee income. A small percentage for ability and the rest with a means tested bursary is much more likely.

Don't write off your youngest child.

I went to private school my sibling didn't. I suppose it's easier for me to say but I think you can't treat them the same if there is such an obvious difference in ability.

It is insane really in this day and age?????

So you haven't been offered a scholarship yet? One of mine once went for an interview at an independent school. So did several other children. They all sat a test and only one was offered a part bursary/scholarship. I think you are making an assumption you will definitely get a place.

His brother was at grammar school and we wanted to give them equal (ish) opportunities at secondary. I felt so guilty that one was flying at grammar and one was at a poorly performing secondary.

He is now at grammar too, but probably not as well suited to it as his more academic brother, although he is happy and still doing well.

Education can be divisive. Think very carefully as it was very difficult seeing one child access lots of opportunities, while one wasn't having a great experience. It is so very hard.

Personally I wouldn't make such big deal in front of the kids of the private school being such a great opportunity. Your other child might even prefer the state school?

And you'd be silly not to take that place though. So definitely take that place if it's offered!

My view is that you are confusing equality with treating everyone the same. I have never done the equal spend for Christmas and birthdays, exactly the same discipline etc as my children are individuals and sometimes need different things. I’ve never counted up, but I reckon over the years, the amount we have spent on each of them is roughly equal but if one needs a laptop and the other wants something cheaper for Christmas, that’s what they get.
In this case, one of your children would benefit from something and can get it without impacting on your other child - I may be advising differently if your other child would have to do without things for you to be able to afford fees. Why wouldn’t you?

Don’t do it. I was the “average child” who didn’t get to go and it caused upset between me and my sister for a long time. I felt over- looked and not good enough. She’s lovely & it’s not her fault but it still rankles.

What if one of them had a talent - sports or music - would you withhold coaching or support because the other wasn't talented in this area too?

Even in that case though, it can present a dilemma for parents. Do they spend their time ferrying the sporty/musical one around to clubs and giving them a big time commitment and the expenses incurred with taking part in competitions etc.? Where the other child(ren) don't have talents in the same area, but end up having to tag along and don't get the same commitment.

[quote luckylavender]@Branleuse - what if the OP doesn't live in a grammar school area, like most of the country? [/quote]
I meant theoretically. Im in a grammar school area although my kids dont go there but its absolutely not unusual for kids in same family to go to different schools, and also for kids from different schools to be friends. Maybe its because there are so many different schools round here but i honestly cant imagine kids caring which school another went to.
Although mine are state educated, all of them have been/ are at different schools.
If you talk to your dc2 about it, you might well see that he doesnt care and would prefer to go to local school with his mates anyway if hes a social kid

Do it but let DC 2 try to get in if they want.

In an ideal world all children would go to a school that fitted their character but that's not real life.

Sometimes people have talents that need a certain environment. If one of your children had a shot at an Olympic medal or a place in a football team would you think about the other one and discourage the one who had the talent?

As with all equality, achieving it does not mean treating everyone the same, but giving them what they need individually.
DC1 will thrive in the academia. DC2 would not. So let DC1 take the funded place, and let DC2 stay where they are happy. Look forward the other strengths that DC2 has, and ensure that these are encouraged, praised and facilitated. There will be costs for DC1, more rigid h in inform, potentially costlier trips. Once you’ve ensured that you can afford these, also ensure that you can spend a similar amount on DC2.
Then all will be fair.

Difficult one. And as lots of others have said, may not come to pass, anyway.

My dad went through the grammar school system and his brother was privately educated. (Brother is quite few years older and I think at least part of that was to do with house moves etc.) There was definitely a sense (from my mum as much as from my dad tbh!) that brother had had the easy ride and dad had had to work harder for his opportunities, but they have both ended up having productive and fulilling careers, and get on well.

DH was privately educated but his sister wasn't. He was on a scholarship and is very academically able. (Sister is also very strong academically.) We are all in our 40s now and it is not something that bothers his sister at all - if either of them were the 'golden child' with the PILS it would be her, but only on balance, everyone gets on well. DH probably has a harder time with it - he found it very hard being sent to a new school away from his friends at 11, struggled with the perception of being 'posh' etc. We live in their hometown and he still finds it embarrassing when people ask where he went to school/why he wasn't in their year group etc. The reason I'm telling you this is as an illustration of how things can work out in unanticipated, but OK ways. DH and SIL both know that their parents made the decisions they made with the best of intentions, for them as individuals and for their family, and that is all you can do. I wish you luck with it - it's a tricky one!

I would send DC1 to the private school. You can explain the reason to DC2 i.e. it's a school for acadmically gifted kids and DC1 was only able to go for free because they met the standard.

Isn't deliberately holding DC1 back (academically) and keeping them in a situation where they are bullied and miserable unfair? Treat both children according to their abilities. That doesn't mean they're being treated unequally - you're doing your best as parents to make sure each one is in the best situation for their individual needs.

Good luck to your DC1. My friend has this dilemma and her daughter to private school, her son went to a comprehensive. Both are doing well.

OP
What ages are the children? Makes a huge difference to the responses.
What do you think is much better?
In our area it would be smaller classes, fantastic facilities, swimming pools, massive extra curricular etc not just academics. Oh and posher children & social selection.
All things that a lot would benefit from in some ways lol.
If they are in primary what will you do at high school.
100% scholarships are rare

Be very very wary of assuming private means kinder, more nurturing or less stressful.

I strongly agree with this.

I also caution you to re-examine your assertion that DC1 is ‘profoundly gifted’ and DC2 ‘academically average’. SEND aside it is unlikely that two biologically related siblings with a moderately small age gap have significant differences in their cognitive ability. I suspect that you are interpreting personality differences as academic ability. It is much more likely that DC1 is quiet and studious and more focused on their learning, whilst more gregarious DC2 is more easily distracted by his friends. If this is the case then it’s very likely that it’s DC2 who would experience the biggest improvement in outcomes from private education.

I am not necessarily saying don’t do it, but do look in to everything very carefully. How long is the scholarship for. Will there be extra pressure placed on her to achieve. Her friendship group could be very affluent and not being a local state school they may well not be local making out of school socialising more difficult. And don’t for a moment think there aren’t bullies/challenging characters in the private sector, unfortunately they are everywhere.

Agree with pp - so many people mix up treating children equally with treating them exactly the same. It's this kind of attitude that breeds resentment in later life - why are you potentially saying one child should miss out on a great opportunity just because the other one (who it sounds like it wouldn't suit anyway) is not getting exactly the same? Children are individuals with different needs, and parenting should not be a one-size-fits-all approach.

You would mad to turn down the opportunity if they get in for free on their own merit.
If your child got into a football academy or dance school because of talent would parents not send them because their other child had two left feet

I think that you should send your child to the school which best suits them. As someone said earlier you would be having the same issue if DC1 would have gained a place at a grammar school.
My 2 children are really different in temperament. DC1 is confident, and hard-working and goes to a selective private school. She has never felt overwhelmed or intimated and instead feels as if she is encouraged to reach her potential. She is applying to study Vet Med this year. DC2 is a more sensitive child whose primary school wrote him off from an early age, not helped by his July birthday and his overall immaturity. He goes to a lovely, nurturing school and has flourished. The school recognise his talents (kindness, leadership) and as a result his confidence has grown massively. He is doing well academically and has the right attitude in that he works hard but also has fun with friends.
Their 2 schools are so different to each other but absolutely perfect for my children.

Things like football academies and dance schools are a false analogy. They are very narrow specialisms.
A really good private school isn't just about academic performance; a lot offer a ton of extra stuff that DC2 might thrive on in a different way.
Might be the making of DC2.
I know a couple of people who went down this track and ended up having to find ways to fund the second child.. and now are literally skint all the time

I know someone whose DS went to a private school and their DD went to the local school (which is an excellent school). She offered her DD the same opportunities but she was adamant she wanted to go to the locks secondary with her friends. My friend was secretly pleased she didn’t have to pay out for 2 at private school

I'd also add that bullying can be rife in the elite environment. I'd look at other schools tbh

@ThanksItHasPockets

Be very very wary of assuming private means kinder, more nurturing or less stressful.

I strongly agree with this.

I also caution you to re-examine your assertion that DC1 is ‘profoundly gifted’ and DC2 ‘academically average’. SEND aside it is unlikely that two biologically related siblings with a moderately small age gap have significant differences in their cognitive ability. I suspect that you are interpreting personality differences as academic ability. It is much more likely that DC1 is quiet and studious and more focused on their learning, whilst more gregarious DC2 is more easily distracted by his friends. If this is the case then it’s very likely that it’s DC2 who would experience the biggest improvement in outcomes from private education.

And yet SEN is not uncommon