To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

in fact it’s not a tough one I would do it

The fact that you are so clearly keen to ensure that things are even between them is almost certainly going to make it perfectly understandable to them. If it was inexplicable favouritism it would be another thing entirely.

My husband and his sister had this situation - one was privately educated at a single sex private school and one went to a really good single-sex state school. Both achieved similarly well and there’s not a trace of resentment. People may warn you about rivalry but if it’s handled well (as it was with my husband) there’s no need for different schooling to be about anything other than which is best for each of them at the time.

@Dozer 100k? No way even Eton is only 15k a term plus extras so around 50k a year. And that is Eton.

You are looking more at around 15k a year for Primary and 20k a year for Secondary where I am (South East/London(

Unless you meant overall over time in which case 100k is an underestimation!

OP hasn’t said DCs’ ages? Assume eldest would be 11 / year 7 on entry, so 7 years of say £15k a year (south east).

Financial viability of private schools can be an issue, especially outside London/SE.

So guestimated £100k total costs for one DC.

In theory you would be treating them equally. Both get to go to school for free to a school that suits them. You’d be spending the same amount if DC1 went without fees. Many parents send children to different state schools because they suit. With fees and money being spent taken out if the equation to me it is fair.

Yes I did that Dozer afterwards. Some private schools do nearly 100% scholarships though so the OP really does need to see what is on the table first before making any decisions

Doubt many do 100% scholarships/bursaries and if they did there’d be massive competition.

@Dozer

Doubt many do 100% scholarships/bursaries and if they did there’d be massive competition.

There is massive competition

Which is why I questioned the op re application

I went to private, my sister didn’t.... both different needs. She thrived at state school and went to oxbridge.
No resentment for her, in fact growing up she was the favoured child 🙈🤣

Id want to know the rug wouldnt be pulled at secondary as, in my opinion, this is where problems with bullying and peer group stuff gets worse, and also where academically its more important.

DD fell off the world in the first week 2nd year of secondary. I had to home educate her, although she was offered a place at a specialist private which, with a fight, we probably could have got funded, but she didnt like it and she didnt want it. She benefitted from the time away, and took different routes to get to where she is now.

DS, 5 years later, also struggled greatly at secondary - lots of low level bullying, and his MH and self confidence was plummetting by the day. He was offered funding towards fees at a small local private. We discussed it as a whole family and DD encouraged us to send him, even though she hadnt gone herself, and even though there would be costs.

It all depends on the child. Things dont have to be the same to be fair. But Id certainly ensure that this funding is going to be across their whole education. And also if its due to academic achievement be aware that this is quite a pressure on them, because if they fail they presumable run the risk of losing everything.

I actually think the bullying is the greater driver to explore a place at this school than the ability to get a scholarship.

But, OP, you really need to look very closely at the school. Can they really offer the pastoral support needed? Is there a culture in which kids whose parents cannot afford an expensive rucksack or the ski trips gets bullied?

And how far are the friend’s parents doing a hard sell if the newly converted private school parent?

We had almost exactly this dilemma, but at secondary level. DD1 got an academic scholarship to a lovely private school which we knew would be perfect for her. DD2 much less academic, but socially much more confident and we knew would be able to settle anywhere. I lost a lot of sleep over the fairness of it. In the end DD2 managed to get a drama scholarship to the same school and us thriving there. We're very happy with our choices, but it does mean there's not a lot of money left for anything else. I wouldn't have wanted to commit to it at primary level. This is all a very long term decision! Also bear in mind that a scholarship usually doesn't cover all the fees. Worth looking at bursaries too. You can often get help if you earn less than £90 grand or so.

Dc1 is likely to get a great grades, job etc anyway, because of their abilities. It's likely that dc2 will attribute that to the opportunities they got at school, rather than their innate abilities. They could well think that they would be the same if they had had only been given the opportunity too. A lot of potential for jealousy.

Yanbu if the child is offered a place, send them. You would be mad not too.

I've PM'd you.

You're not paying for the child to go there he got a place based on his grades so in this case I'd say it's absolutely fine

Talk to the children together and see what they feel. It's important their views are taken into account.

I think it's fine as you're not paying so it presumably won't affect the extras that dc2 does and may enjoy like holidays. If you were paying then I'd say Yabu on Dc2 who would benefit more academically from smaller classes etc

The bottom line is both children need to be happy in their school environment

I have never heard of 100% scholarships or bursaries. Typically a scholarship is worth up to 25% and bursaries are based on income. To qualify for financial help you will need to provide asset and income info.

Are you talking prep? If you cannot afford secondary then don't bother with prep, it'll be difficult to move back to state (imo).

Lastly, I have 2 children in private schools, I would never send one and the other to state. I have a friend that has done this. She told me her DD didn't 'stand out' like her DS, obviously she didn't because said friend didn't put half the amount of effort into her DD that she did her DS. She justifies by saying that her DD is at an outstanding state school. Each to their own but I would not do it unless I could afford both.

Yes it would be a 50% scholarship unless it was a means tested bursary.

Someone has done this at my child's school - taken one child out to go private and left 2 other children at school.

My child can not believe it! I don't say anything about it but my child thinks it is very unfair on the remaining child.

Actually yes 50 % scholarships are very rare. Often it is just a token amount or even more the prestige of being a scholar, also why is the school doing this outside of usual admissions, but maybe it is a prep school. I definitely would not send one child to private at primary level.

Maybe there is good reason at secondary - such as if one child gets an academic scholarship or the other has a sports scholarship.