To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

Full*

I went to private school and my sister didn’t. My mother has over compensated for it ever since. We are in our 40s now and I really resent every achievement I have being put done to private school and being ignored in fear of upsetting my sister. I wouldn’t recommend it

And I got in by way of full scholarship. It didn’t make a difference to my sister in fact it was worse because she didn’t

There is no way that I would make a decision of this magnitude for one of my children and not the other. I think you would be setting yourself up for major problems later on. Children change and adapt as they grow older, learning life skills of coping with life challenges would be far more beneficial.

I think the other parents have done a big sales job on you. I would question their motive (they may want their child's friend - your DC - to join to help their child settle in. There could be lots of things they are not telling you).

Your child hasn't got a scholarship yet.

I also think it's a massive gamble treating them unequally in education. It may pay off, but you still run the risk that DC 2 may hold it against you all in the future as the non-favoured child if their life doesn't turn out as they hoped

I wouldn't do it

It sounds like you have one happy child and one miserable who occasionally gets bullied. If you don't take this opportunity then how do you think the happy child will feel, now or in 20 years time, knowing you had the opportunity to allow their brother/sister to be happy during their childhood, just like them, but you didn't take it and allowed them to continue to get bullied because you weren't sure it would be fair on the other, who was perfectly happy anyway?

Send DC1 to the good school. Amazing opportunity. Tell DC2 they have to work hard if they want similar opportunities,

@Seashor

I would choose schools on their individual needs. I used private for one and state for the other. I’ve been extremely pleased with both schools and both children have done really well. Education really isn’t a one hat fits all.

I second this. DC1 is getting there due to their academic ability not that they’re a favoured child.

I wouldn't have any issue with different schools for my DC. They are only 6 and 8 at the moment, but it is already something in the back of my mind as I feel DC1 will thrive wherever he is, but DC2 will do better in a private school.

If you want to treat your kids fairly, you do what will allow each to achieve their potential, and if that means different schools, that's fine. If you continue with a situation that suits one but not the other, then that is effectively treating them differently, even if they are in same school.

Dragging down your DC1 in order to keep DC2 happy - that’s everything that’s wrong with this society.

@UnwantedOpinionBelow

I think if DC1 is being given the opportunity to go to the private school and not pay fees then it is worth DC1 going. It is not unfair treatment, it is a rare opportunity. If you were paying for DC1, my opinion would differ.

Agree

@ElleDubloo

Dragging down your DC1 in order to keep DC2 happy - that’s everything that’s wrong with this society.

This

Given that you would not be paying for the school, ‘fairness’ is best achieved by enabling both children to thrive and be happy at school.

Being gifted is an SEN. And potentially brings as many issues as benefits, especially when associated with difficulty in maintaining friendships or being bullied.

See what you think of the school, and that they would actually give them a fee-free place.

And ask what would happen at secondary transition. Would you be back in the state system?

I think the only case for this is if the other child does not have the academic ability to be accepted to the private school.

I had friends whose siblings didn't go to our private school due to lack of funds. Some hold lifelong resentment towards their parents. If you can't afford both - don't do it.

Another thing to note it is not just the academic side that your other child will miss out on - it's all the extra curricular opportunities that are often so much better in the private system.

@Branleuse - what if the OP doesn't live in a grammar school area, like most of the country?

@WhipperSnapperSteve

If you want to engender a golden child/scapegoat scenario, go ahead.

What a load of rubbish. DSis went private, I went State Grammar. Who's the "golden child"? People really need to stop thinking in slogans.

Definitely give DC1 the opportunity to thrive. DC2 is already thriving, by the sound of it. You are not treating them differently if you are catering to both of their needs.

I agree you should always treat your children fairly and equally- but that doesn’t mean ‘the same’ It’s your job to know your individual kids and support their individual needs the best you can. If DC 1 gets offered this opportunity and you think it would benefit them, you should take it. DC2 is happy where they are, they may need you to make other sacrifices down the line. There’s no need for it to lead to resentment between them, you can present it as ‘this is the right option for DC1’ not ‘this is the best option for anyone but only DC1 is getting it’

My older brother was sent to private school whereas I went to state. My brother had an amazing education and did really well. My education, not so much! I really resented my parents for what looked like favouring my brother and it soured our relationship for years.

I confronted them finally in my twenties, and my parents said they asked me when I was around age 9 if I wanted to go to the same school as my brother and I said no because I wanted to stay with my friends.

Well of course I did! I was 9 for God's sake! How on earth is a 9-year-old meant to make a sensible decision like that?

I wouldn't, not because your DC1 shouldn't get the opportunity, but because if you can't afford private secondary and sixth form then your 'sensitive' child is going to have to go back to state school with no current friends and sadly, the stigma of being the private school kid.

Does the school you're looking at offer 100% scholarships often? Even if so, it might not necessarily be the case that they're willing to offer the scholarship past year 6, and I would check with them if funding can be withdrawn for whatever reason.

IF you could afford fund secondary in the case of no scholarship, have a plan for emergency changes to fees, and won't be putting DC2 at a disadvantage with things like clubs and trips (due to the other expenses of private school), then go for it. I don't think it's a problem that they go to different schools, I think the problem is that you can't really afford it and all the benefits your child gets will be negated if the scholarship situation changes or doesn't continue for secondary.

I would send her for the scholarship, if it continued to end of highschool or sixth form. How would dd1 feel if she found out you restricted her potential.

Also, would this be asked if your child was being offered a sporting sponsorship in a sport they were gifted in? Something that would eat into considerably more family time. Dont cap your child's potential because someone else might get upset.

I'd like to know the ages of the children and sexes. I also think that the school will be prepared for you to want the other child to attend aswell and therefore may well be able to offer some sort of bursary. If dc2 is a girl there are charitable bursary's available to her in order to attend. Age depending
The private education is about so much more than purely academic and if you don't do your damnest to get both children in you'll be doing them a diservice hurry up though because applications for financial support for September have to be in soon. Speak to the school with the perspective of both children

Absolutely fine IMO, you're not paying so there's nothing unfair about this. It would be unfair for DC1 to stay at a school they're not happy at just in case DC2 gets jealous (when it sounds like DC2 would probably prefer to stay where they are).

Looking with interest for different reasons. Eldest private school and we are really upset with it (one of the worst mistakes I have ever made). Could go private with other DC (definitely not the same school) thinking of state. Is this unfair on other DC when we think state will potentially give them more options later?

Take the scholarship, Give them both every opportunity that comes their way. It would be very unfair to hold back a child that is getting a scholarship due to abilities. I’m amazed you have to think about it.
Soon enough the kids will be doing their own thing anyway.