To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

@serin

YANBU, your children are individuals, you have to fo what is best for each of them if DC2 is happy in state school then why move them.

However, if you can't really afford it and DC2 is going to suffer economically (ie can't afford school trips in state system or afterschool activities) then I think that's really not on.

Also beware of the private school putting massive amounts of pressure on your "sensitive" DC1, as they will be expecting top grades from her.

My DD had a major academic scholarship to a famous school. She was expected to be a 'show pony'. Not her personality. They were down her like a ton a bricks when she couldn't cope. Others girls were very jealous and as for their mothers! Personally I would wait until 6th form.

Are the dc old enough to understand the difference between private and mainstream school? For dc2 won't it just be a case of "dc1 is changing school because he/she's unhappy and this one suits them better"?

My ex wanted DS to sit the entrance exam for an independent school . He wasn’t interested as he wanted to go to the local comp. with his friends. He didn’t prepare and he failed the entrance exam and went to the school he wanted. DD passed the exam and was offered a bursary and it was a good opportunity so we let her go. DS had more sporting school trips abroad so it sort of evened out . They are adults now and don’t feel they were treated unfairly.

Of course you need to consider both kids as individuals and aim to meet their needs as such. However, I would not entertain using private education unless I could comfortably cover the full costs for both children both now and until they leave education.

Your children are still young and if dc1 is unhappy you need to look at this without bankrupting the family and creating unequal opportunities.

I think your friend is a frenemy in suggesting how well your dc1 would thrive in the private school. This reinforces their decision to send their child to private school and enables them to brag whilst playing on your insecurities. Not a friend I would either want or keep!

Some friends of ours did exactly this and both children have thrived in their respective settings.

I went to private school, my sister didn’t due to specific circumstances. There was no bad feeling and academically my sister actually achieved more than I did. It sounds fine to me so long as you explain things clearly to your children.

this was my situation - I got a scholarship to private school and my sister didn’t and stayed in local Comp.

My view is that you ARE treating them equally as they will both have equal opportunity to gain a scholarship so if one child gets in and one doesn’t that is based on thier talent not your choices.
If for example One child was extremely sporty and got the chance to train for a professional junior team you wouldn’t say no because the other one would never had the same chance would you?

@AlTempleton

My older brother was sent to private school whereas I went to state. My brother had an amazing education and did really well. My education, not so much! I really resented my parents for what looked like favouring my brother and it soured our relationship for years.

I confronted them finally in my twenties, and my parents said they asked me when I was around age 9 if I wanted to go to the same school as my brother and I said no because I wanted to stay with my friends.

Well of course I did! I was 9 for God's sake! How on earth is a 9-year-old meant to make a sensible decision like that?

We made the mistake of asking who we thought was a mature 10/11 child which school they wished to attend. It was a huge mistake we should have taken more of a role and failed to parent them when they needed it.

I went to an indie because I passed the exam. My siblings didn’t. We are not suffering the consequences, at least not on that account anyway.

I’d be thinking ahead more about what you’re going to do for secondary. What are the options for a very bright child, sensitive child near you? If you do decide to go private for primary, what are the pathways for children leaving that school?

It may well be that the scholarship gives DC1 more confidence to cope with the change to state secondary if that’s where they’re headed.

I’d make sure to do something equally nice for DC2 - e.g. input and lessons in something they’ve wanted to do, ie something that looks like equivalent ‘treat’ to primary school eyes.

I have a friend whose brother was sent to private school and her and her sister weren't. They still resent their parents now and they are in their fifties.

Put it this way, if they remain at the same school they'll never know one of them could have gone private. If you separate them the non private child will always feel she didn't get that opportunity because she wasn't as bright as her sister.

DC1 could go to another state school surely if you feel the current school isn't meeting her needs.

I know for me I definitely couldn't send one without the other. As others have said there's secondary to consider too.

There's so many things wrong here -

A) is this school really everything you want it to be? Would you have considered it or are you being led and informed by the family of the friend? Remember they will have an agenda too. People often rave about schools when they move their kids, particularly in the first flush of enthusiasm and novelty, and the grumbles and more realistic measured appraisal comes later. If they are stretching themselves financially or logistically they will want to amplify any perceived benefit to justify their decisions. Are they hoping your dd will move so they can share lifts or becaise their dd hasn't made friends for eg. Even if it's truly amazing for their child, only you can decide that for your child and it may be that there is a better fit locally if you're seriously looking at scholarships and bursaries.

B) Are you really sure the school is offering anything like a full fees scholarship? This seems so unlikely and unusual. Most schools have a competitive process for allocating awards that existing families will also have applied for. Even scholarships and bursaries thought to be generous require the recipient's family to pay thousands and thousands a year to make up the difference and cover additional costs of uniform, meals, transport, exam fees, trips etc. Independent education is a huge expense, rising every year. Scholarships and bursaries are normally re reviewed each academic year and therefore if you can't afford it you may have to move her again.

C) Why would your sensitive, socially awkward child definitely be better off in a setting where she is the new, scholarship child? Be very very wary of assuming private means kinder, more nurturing or less stressful. If you are a family who can't afford private education then don't underestimate the social stress you and your child may feel re your home, holidays, car and set up. I was the poorer child at a private school and I was v socially capable but found the disparity between the accepted norms of my much wealthier classmates and the (very happy and in many ways v lucky) more constrained home life I led v difficult at times.

D) ask yourself what you want for you children and family and if this is the only way of achieving it. Could moving within the state sector be a better solution? Applying to access financial support to enable both to benefit from independent education (if you feel it is a benefit, I don't necessarily agree). Could you put money to a better use to benefit the whole family ie enrichment, theatre trips, holidays and travel, museum weekends, extra curriculars, a parent working less etc. There are many ways to improve children's educational and social outcomes if you have spare funds and it doesn't have to be choosing to spend that money on one child going to a private school.

E) Could you or would you look into similar bit different options if your second child requested or developed a need? Maybe they will want to attend a school with great music tuition, or their academics will require greater support to ensure they achieve minimum grades. Are you open and able to scout around for opportunities for them in the future? While treating kids the same does not mean doing the same for each child, it does mean supporting them with the same enthusiasm and energy when they emed it. If you tie up all your resources in your older child and can't do the same for your younger, this is where the resentment will come in.

There's so much to say but this doesn't sound like an easy-win happy ending to me.

I may have misunderstood. It's not clear whether you have already visited the private school and like what you see, or whether you are just going on the experience of your friends.

It also seems that the current primary isn't tacking either bullying issues or appropriate extension work. What communication have you had with them about that?

For what it's worth, one of mine was happy at their primary and the other miserable being bullied. We couldn't afford private but were able to move to another primary which suited DC2 better - I would say was the making of him.

What suits 1 child will not always suit both. I have 1 nephew at private (emotionally sensitive and was unhappy, without friends at mainstream but academically bright), his younger brother is at mainstream, average intellect but loads of friends and on both the academy football and rugby teams. Their parents had the same dilemma but decided that in life you get different opportunities, eg 1 won a raffle at the school fair the other didn’t but child no 1 shouldn’t miss out because child 2 isn’t in the same league academically.
Now both children are older their parents have asked them what they want and both children have said that they are pleased that their sibling is happy but they would hate to be in the others school and would prefer to stay where they are.

I was all ready to say you’re being unreasonable but then you mention it’s a scholarship. I think that makes it different to if you were paying.

If you turn it around, you’re essentially denying your DC1 the opportunity to grow based on her abilities. Holding her back because your DC2 isn’t naturally as capable.

I think there are questions about secondary, back into mainstream might be problematic; and also questions about whether family income will be taken up with the trappings and additional expense of private education (uniform etc). But if that part isn’t going to disadvantage DC2 then I think that’s ok.

FWIW, I’m your DC1 from the future. I wasn’t given this opportunity (secondary, not primary). I’m doing well in life but I think I possibly would have done even better with the private education. Not in terms of exam success but perhaps university acceptance (but the tables are turning in this area and I would probably have got my Cambridge place on WP/access criteria now).

We have a similar situation. Our DS1 moved to a private school in year 3 on a almost full bursary. Very sporty and competitive, id say gifted at maths. DS2 still at the state school- its an outstanding ofsted rating so still a great school. DS2 very happy at state school, sporty but doesn't care about winning, and average ability across the board loves school but maybe would love the private school too. We are going to apply for ds2 to the private school now for a bursary anyway and just see what happens. We think they might allow him a place due to the fact his brother is already at the school but there is a chance he wont get in. Since both children are happy and dont resent each other (so far) i dont feel we are doing anything wrong. So maybe see if your ds1 actually does get a bursary. Usually they start from year 3 and you need to apply from year 2. Assuming your kids are primary aged? Then see if ds2 can follow on. That's my advice if they are young.

Why would you leave a child in a school when they’re unhappy just to say they were treated the same as their sibling? Bring unhappy at school can have far more damaging consequences to adult life that knowing you and your sibling went to different schools in my opinion.

It is insane, of course you should send DC1 to a private school. It is very unfair to disadvantage one child over perceived equality. He has one set of needs, your DC2 is quite different from what you described.
You have an opportunity to provide the best educational environment to your child which are considering denying over another child who might not care at all.

I wouldn't do it personally, they may seem happy with the idea as kids but come to resent it as adults.

I'm going back decades, but my DF didn't go to private school and his Sister did, they always said if they couldn't be in a position to send both of their own DC to private school, then they would never do it.

Your DC has to learn resilience, I know it's horrible when they are having a tough time at school, my youngest is just now, one of their friends having just left, but it's all par for the course and going to this private school does not mean that your DC will be happy throughout the entirety of their school life.

Also, another PP comparing winning a raffle to going to different school scenario is ridiculous - raffles are all about potluck with an element of chance.

there will be things you have t pay for though, holidays, the right trainers etc., i dont think it will be free.

Hmm, I dunno, I'd do it! Just be open and clear with DC2 that you're not paying for DC1's school, and that DC2 gets lots of things/equal amount paid for them too. My sister went to private as very clever and I didn't, no biggie. We are individuals and very different indeed. I had no desire at all to go to private school! I did loads of things eg dance, singing lessons, stupid frivolous waste of money vocational diploma, all expensive stuff.

@fib11235

Why would you leave a child in a school when they’re unhappy just to say they were treated the same as their sibling? Bring unhappy at school can have far more damaging consequences to adult life that knowing you and your sibling went to different schools in my opinion.

And that is a very good point too. I do think it's important to hear your eldest and not allow them to suffer at school, if that really is the case, and if it's avoidable.

I know someone who's older sibling went to private school & then became a barrister & was able to get on the ladder in their 20s in the 90s & benefited from the huge boom in the property market. They now live in a 2m house with a ton of equity & live an amazing lifestyle.

The younger sibling was academic but didn't get into Oxbridge (state representation was much lower than & it wasn't a pathway from his school) & has a good career but not as good and couldn't buy property until their 30s. They are now looking at leaving London as they need more space but can't afford it.

He carries a lot of resentment towards his parents because he wasn't offered the same opportunity, they paid for the older sibling but couldn't afford more than one lot of fees. Plus all spare money went on uniform etc so my friend did miss out, no holidays etc.

Equality doesn't mean the same.

What if one of them had a talent - sports or music - would you withhold coaching or support because the other wasn't talented in this area too?

Wait until you have a chat with the school. Not many schools offer 100% scholarships so it may only be a reduction of 10 or 20 %. Alternatively they might be talking about a bursary which is based on your inability to afford the fees and can often be the full 100%.