To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

I appreciate your dilemma and I think you need to think this through for the long term.

Some things to consider-

• it's often said that if you can only afford private schooling for part of a child's education - go for senior school, not primary

• what will you do after primary ? Full scholarships for senior schools are incredibly rare. For girls' schools even rarer - the standard scholarship for girls' schools is 10%, can be higher for boys. They also usually only cover up to GCSE and you need to re-apply for 6th form

• private prep schools usually go to 13 yrs, ie yr 8, so starting senior school in Yr 9. However state senior schools start for Yr 7 - will you pull out DC1 at 11 yrs or leave them until 13yrs, and expect a shy child to break into existing friendship groups and a school system geared to starting 2 yrs earlier ?

• private schools not only have different, longer holidays to state schools but longer daily hours as well. How will that fit with your family life? There are still some that have Saturday morning school

• bullying exists in all schools. A private school is no guarantee of a bullying free environment and like state schools, some deal with it well and others do not. Beware any school that claims it doesn't have any bullying going on - they are either lying or naive and have no idea what's going on.

• private schools do not automatically mean a better education for talented and gifted children. Class size isn't everything

• private schools often place considerable emphasis on sport - is this something DC1 would be happy with?

When you meet with the school ask these questions -

How will the school assess DC1 for the scholarship? If they say - you wouldn't understand - leave. I was told this in one highly respected private primary.

What exactly will they include in the scholarship and what will they expect you to pay, year by year. Music, drama, trips, uniforms etc. As someone mentioned before full scholarships are incredibly rare

How long does the scholarship last? Private schools often differentiate between pre-prep and prep - would the scholarship automatically cover the full career at that school

What do they expect of scholarship children ? One child I know (admittedly in senior school) on a music scholarship was repeatedly pulled out of standard classes for music practice to the extent they fell behind in maths and other basic subjects.

Would they expect DC1 to stay until Yr 8?

Would they expect DC1 to go on to a private senior school? Private schools place a lot of credence on where their pupils move on to. A lot. In fact ask them where their children move on to and proportions, and when they move, ie after Yr 6 or Yr 8.

Would the school suit your DC1 ? Forget your friends raving about the school - would DC1 want to go there ? Would DC1 want to leave the close good friends?

Sorry - I have waffled on a lot there. I have no axe to grind on whether you use private or state - as others have said - there are poor private and excellent state schools. There were private schools I visited which would be the last place on Earth I would send my DD. If DC1 is truly gifted, the state school system does have a support system, and there are other ways of stretching academically and socially. Don't be beguiled by the fancy IT suites, art centres and sports facilities. Don't be shy in asking questions and visit more than once / ask around for general reputation - not just the opinion of your friends.

And make sure you get any financial offer in writing!

YANBU - I have a close friend who was in the same situation and was sent to private school while her brother remained in state. Absolutely no issues and her brother understood why their mother made the choice.

I do wonder if OP favours DC2 over DC1 and that's causing the feelings of being torn so as to not upset DC2 to the detriment of DC1.

Treating your children equally does not mean giving them exactly the same things at exactly the same time. It means doing your best fir each of them

DC1 is unhappy at school & has earned an Academic Scholarship, not taking this up if you believe they'll be happier is unfair on DC1 - IF you can afford any expenses you'll be expected to pay (yr7 uniform was £1800 🙄🙄luckily now yr10 and hasn't needed much else as grown upwards, not outwards and things were quite long in y7 - even though smallest size). I do believe though that they with assist or completely cover the uniform for children like your DC1.

The fees are high, but we rarely have additional things added on, mainly just optional trips

Another good point made was about associated expenses with private school. We’re prepared for this, and honestly DC2 will continue to receive equally in terms of monetary input

Be careful here. Because you could end up treating DC1 unfairly. Say you had to pay £1800 fir the uniform. Feeling like you had to them spend £1800 on DC2 would be mad.)

I guess it's different school to school, but they really do value effort & participation. They expect the best from each child, but not an unattainable grade.

It's a top school you'd have heard of.

Your DC2 is happy at their school & will probably be far happier moving to the senior school where their best friends or a group of friends is going or where they do something DC2 is interested in.

Recognising they're different people, with different needs, is not treating them unfairly.

Stop worrying so much about it being 'equal' & focus on what's right for each child.

Hi OP,

My cousin went to a highly regarded private school from primary age (in Scotland we have P1-7 and then high school 1st-6th year with the option to leave after 4th year at aged 16) until high school when she and her mum moved to another town.

My cousin was a talented, social and very polite girl. She thrived in private education but when she went to a state high school she completely went off the rails. She was in the private school bubble and didn't see the real world until state school. She became involved in smoking c@nnabis from aged 12, she frequently got caught drinking, stealing etc and is now estranged from most of the family. She spent her last birthday in prison. I am not for one minute saying this will happen to anyone who goes from private to state school, I think my cousin is an extreme example but I felt it important to share the risks of children being taken from one extreme to the other. In my cousins case it was eye opening and she was very easily led astray over the fear of being picked on for being a private school kid, so she wanted to fit in and it's ruined her life.

@Anotherimaginativeusername I had to do this for different but similar reasons. It was a fabulous decision. The one who is very bright and quiet received a scholarship, and thrived. Be aware it still costs though. For secondary chose a state selective school and got a very sought after place and is very happy.

Was a good decision for everyone. Parenting is definitely not always about things being the same to be equal. It's just impossible, especially as your dc get older with different needs, abilities, and goals.

Imagine your dc1 growing up knowing they had the opportunity for a scholarship and you said no, because of their sibling, who is perfectly happy. Sounds mad.

Even within the same families the siblings can be very different despite being only say 2 or 3 years older or younger than the other siblings.
In your case you have an bright child education wise but a shy and quieter child than child no 2.
You know at the moment your 1st child is not happy in their current school but you have an opportunity to get a full scholarship to a fee paying school that would suit this child better. You need to look into this fully and see what exactly this scholarship covers. Then look at your family finances to see if their is cash available for any extras ie music, school trips ect.
I think this would be great opportunity for your 1st child and give them a chance to do well, make new friends ect. I also look into where they could go to secondary school after this and see if their are scholarships for the next stage.
In regards to your 2nd child I would tell them that X is changing school because they got a scholarship to y school. Make sure to tell them as well that we are all good at different things and have different personalities so somethings your good at like sport that child 1 is not as good at.
You can't hold back child 1 because of child 2. Along with this child 1 if they are happier in school they will do well and make friends more like themselves.
Just make sure that you have the funds to get child 2 say music lessons, grinds to improve in school ect or for say the school trip abroad down the line.

YANBU

My brother went to private after he failed the 11 plus and would go to the very crappy secondary modern.I got into grammar.So we went without to afford that private school. I never even thought about it as were were both getting a good education. Never resented my brother and was grateful he did not have to go to the rough arse school he would have had to go to.

Fair is not always equal, put DC 1 in the child where he will thrive, even if you have to pay for some of it. You get to be educated once in life as a child.

Hi op

I have 2 School aged children one is now in Secondary school and the other primary school.
DC 1 is in private school and DC2 is on private school - they are very very different children.
My DC2 is very creative and so we do of budd her with substantial lessons and out of school curriculum around her interests - she is very happy at her school to.

Dc 1 is very academic and sporty he started of at state school but hated it and didn’t get along very well in the setting. He has thrived since moving.

My DC2 would not thrive at the same school due to their academic expectations she is however V V happy and succeeds in other ways which we always make sure we encourage however she wouldn’t want to move schools if you asked her either.
How old are they kids ? Could you talk to them and see how they feel.

I know siblings in this situation one with a scholarship at private school who was bullied and not happy at previous school now thriving and very happy. The sibling also Happy as never had a problem with current school.
It would be a real shame to deny the opportunity due to feeling its unfair when it really isn't as the decision should be based on them as individuals and you would be denying them the chance and opportunity they deserve and have won on merit which could also cause bad feeling between them the other way-being held back to spare the other ones feelings when they themselves have no issue and are flourishing in their current school with no issues.
Your child has won this opportunity on merit which should be celebrated and snapped up to improve his well being not denied to spare a siblings feelings/parent guilt like a previous poster said being treated equally isnt just treating them exactly the same but treating them as individuals and taking opportunities for them to flourish

@Divineswirls

Of course send DC 1 there if they are going to subsidise the fees it's a no brainer. It's more than likely that DC2 wouldn't even want to go there anyway. Don't stress too much over it and just send DC1 there.

They are different children so you cant treat them equally anyway they have different needs.

They are not the same child. They have different needs and interests and abilities.
Absolutely give DC1 this opportunity. (If one child was hungry, would you deny him food because the other child was full? Or would your force the other child to eat more, because his brother was hungry?) Parents do their best for each child as individuals -- equal is not always fair.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable if a child is going to be happier elsewhere. My two concerns would be, is the private school child going to go on lots of special school trips etc that the other won’t, and also the concern of the unknown as they develop. I was top of my class and a pretty happy kid at primary school, then it all went to sh!t in secondary (private school would’ve done me good!).

Don't do it. If you can't send all your children you send none of them. I'm privately educationed as are my siblings. My children won't be because we could only really manage to send one without financial issues arising.

I don't think that both have to go or even want to go, but you should be willing and able to send both if you send one. DC#2 may not want to go, but if they really do want to it would be really hard for your family to not send the second but be sending the first.

We are in this situation. Dc1 got financial assistance so I turned down a leading comp which would automatically have given dc2 a sibling place. I didn’t feel I could deny dc1 that opportunity. Dc2 is less academically able. However, arguably dc2 would also thrive/benefit from private school as she has some additional needs and would be better in smaller classes.
It has put a massive strain on the family. I deny dc1 extras but I still have to pay a proportion of the fees which takes up all my discretionary money so we live very frugally. Dc1 school tried to reduce financial assistance because it said it had miscalculated. (This was some way into his school career so no places now left at other schools) They relented but the pressure dc1 felt to work hard was now increased as the obligation to “perform well” not really defined.

Take the opportunity. It's free and the other child is happy in a state school. And I agree different children have different needs.
Also I've been bullied at school, it's awful and traumatising, and I'd do anything to protect my children from that. If private school was not an option I'd look for a different state school or another solution.

Go for it. Children are different, so you can give them different things - especially here, where you don't think there will be fees.

For what it's worth, my parents paid for DB to go to private and I stayed in state. I have never resented it - I understood their decision, and they had never made me feel like I was less valued.

What are the ages and gender of your DC?

@NorthernMC

As it will be on a scholarship as such rather than you paying for only one I don’t think YABU.

That's a really good point! I was also going to mention that one size doesn't fit all, and it would be a shame to deprive one child of an opportunity that would allow them to flourish in order not to discriminate against the other child who wouldn't need the same opportunity in order to flourish. If you see what I mean!

If you were going to pay for one but not the other then that may be unfair. However in your case DC1 has been offered a scholarship because of his/her academic ability.

If your DC1 was a gifted footballer and offered a place at Manchester United Academy would you not let him/her go because DC2 was not as gifted?

“It’s unusual to have one child being profoundly gifted and the other average. Siblings are usually within 10 IQ points of each other. Have you had both kids tested?”

Is it unusual? I would imagine (no actual evidence) that me and my brother are within 10 IQ points of each other, but I’m academic and he’ll be lucky to pass his GCSEs. I think a lot of it has to do personality as well as intelligence.

Not only are YNBU, but I would say it is actually horribly unfair to turn down such a fantastic opportunity for one child, just because the other hasn't been offered the same thing.

This idea you have of always treating them equally shouldn't translate into them missing out on individual opportunities in order to level the playing field. They are different people and life is going to take them to different places. Treat them equally in terms of love, care, respect, help etc.

With the opportunity of a scholarship then you have to at least look into it and work out both the pros and cons.

However, they’re both primary school age and DC2 is younger so I’d be very wary of writing them off as not being academic at such a young age.

Be very careful that DC1 being “gifted and sensitive” isn’t blinding you to DC2’s potential.

If she’s offered a dulll scholarship that would be very different. That would be like her passing the eleven plus.

However if you have to pay even a penny then it’s absolutely a no. What an awful complex to give DC2, your sister is excellent and you are average. Are you sure your daughter is such a vunderkind and it’s not you (naturally) feeling she is exceptional? It’s extremely unlikely a fee paying school would headhunt a primary school child.

What are you going to tell DC2 if they want to go?