To send only one of two DC to private school?

[Anotherimaginativeusername]

Quite a dilemma. Please bear with me.

As with most parents I’m sure, a fundamental principle we apply to our parenting is equal treatment of both our DCs. Christmas gifts, clubs, clothes, discipline: we are careful to treat each child equally in every respect.

And here’s the dilemma. Our two DCs are very different. Both are primary school age. DC1, academically, is profoundly gifted, sensitive, with a small circle of good friends, periodically gets bullied, and is often miserable and bored at school. DC2 is academically average, very sociable, friends with everyone, never has any hassle, loves being at school.
One of DC1’s friends left. The parents were able to put the friend into a very well regarded private school. Friend appears to be thriving in this new environment, and the parents of friend rave about this private school, saying how well suited it would be to DC1.
We can’t afford to send one child to this private school, let alone both, however it has come to be that this private school may be willing to take DC1 without fees on account of their academic abilities. We are due to meet with them soon to discuss.
We are really torn, finding it impossible to resolve the conflict between allowing DC1 the opportunity to flourish, versus maintaining equal treatment of our two DCs.
So, would it be reasonable or not to allow DC1 this opportunity; an opportunity that DC2 - barring a lottery win - will never get?
Would it be reasonable or not to deny DC1 this opportunity to thrive and better fulfil their potential ?
Would we be bad parents to send DC1 to private school, while keeping DC2 in state school.

I think it is unfair tbh.

However I know a family who sent the son but not the two girls.

If you can get DC1 in without paying it would be crazy to pass up on the opportunity. Be honest with DC2. My DC1 was always more academic than DC2 but DC2 more outgoing and confident. I just talk to them about them having different skills, neither is more valuable than the other. It’s best to do what fits an individual child’s needs. Fair doesn’t always mean equal.

Also my father, very academic, had a scholarship. His parents, wanting to be fair, paid for his brother to attend there. His brother was miserable.

My sister and I went to different schools - one private (and paid for, no bursary), one not. We both did well and zero hard feelings ever. My niece and nephew are currently in the same situation and also fine.

I'd go for it if your daughter gets offered a funded place. We have one child likely to get into a highly selective grammar and not sure about the other yet but I'd still send the first if she is offered a place.

Id send ds1 to private on the scholarship and ds2 to the best school for him and add lots of enrichment activities.

Thing is, an academically able child will likely do well in private or state school.

Private school is more likely to benefit your less academic child, dc2.

Unless there is a state school which is better for dc2 than the private, then you would be unreasonable not to send them if you send dc1z

It's more unfair to deprive your child or a good opportunity because you're worried about equality.

Your children aren't equal, no 2 children are. We are all individuals and to treat everyone equally is to rob us all of opportunities and is more akin to what happens in some backwards communist country.

What the hell, why would you pass up the opportunity for BOTH children to be happy at schools that suit them?! I live in an area with lots of single sex schools (state schools). Most siblings go to different schools if they’re different gender, there’s never resentment or jealousy. And I totally disagree it’s the less academic that would benefit private school. Private schools have a very narrow idea of what constitutes success. It sounds like your academic child will fit the private school mould whereas your other child would best be suited at a schools that measures success in other ways.

Treating people equally doesn't mean treating them the same. It means giving them equal chances. This time it is an opportunity for DC 1, next time it will be something for DC 2. Otherwise it's a dragging someone back to keep things "equal". Take the place if they offer it! DC 2 is happy!

Yabu for describing your DD as profoundly gifted. If I had a pound for every parent who told me their child is gifted I'd be a millionaire!!
I guess you'd fit into the private school crowd in that sense though you might find she's not as gifted as you think as others will be equally as academically keen.

You send the individual children to the school that best suits their needs. If that’s private then so be it. If academic child could get into a grammar school would you stop them going because less academic child wouldn’t be able to get in? Of course not.

Having said that, if what they’re offering is a scholarship then that’s usually only about 10% of the fees. That can be topped up - sometimes Mrs to 100% - with a bursary after a full financial review but do understand that they will rake through every detail of your finances. You say you can’t afford it but if you own property or have savings or a nice pension fund you’ll have to justify why you can’t sell/cash in those things to pay the fees. You’ll also likely be competing against any other able children that need a bursary in that year’s intake as most schools only have a set pot of money per year. This can also mean that if they can help four able students that need 25% of the fees that may be preferable to just helping your D.C. with 100%.

@Anotherimaginativeusername YANBU- DD1 is getting the place based on her academic abilities. So you can say it's not down to you choosing to send her and not DD2 there. If DD2 ever brings it up say it was because DD1's bestie went there.

I think it would be a shame to pass up a free place for DC1. But its not impossible that DC2 will resent you for it later. It sounds like DC2 would be happy at a state school but it's difficult to tell at the moment.

I am friends with 2 sisters who were exactly like your DC. The elder sister won a scholarship to an excellent private school. The parents turned it down in the interests of ‘fairness’ as they knew the younger sister would not get one & they couldn’t afford to send her. The elder sister, though she achieved good grades regardless, was miserable socially at the state school (where her sister thrived) and holds it against her parents to this day that they didn’t allow her to take up the scholarship she had achieved on her own merit.

Before having 4 very different children my initial reaction would probably have been YABU but not now. Wouldn’t sending him to this private school on the grounds of his academic abilities be similar to sending him to a grammar school that he passed a test for? Would you be considered unreasonable for sending one to grammar and one not due to them having different abilities? I say If it’s right for DC1 then absolutely do it

You aren't sending DC1 private and keeping DC2 state.

You're deciding whether you let DC1 take up an additional opportunity.

If that opportunity was with the Man Utd academy or the Royal Ballet school, would you stop DC1 because DC2 couldn't?

Really hard i agree. It would have been a definite no from me until i had a second and realised how different children can be!

I think you can definitely do this if you manage it well and sensitively. I went to the local grammar school, my sibling didn't even take the 11 plus, there wasn't a question of passing. They had a great secondary experience at the local comprehensive but has carried a bit of a chip on their shoulder ever since and is very competitive with me about everything. Our parents didn't handle it very well in hindsight.

I think you would be very unreasonable to stop dc1 going. You will be holding them back. If dc2 hypothetically gets into a top sports program on their merits would you prevent them from going because dc1 can't go. It is different if you were paying or 1 child was missing out at the cost of the other. If no one is missing out from the norm. The only one missing out, from not being allowed to attend, is dc1 from potentially being better of based on their own merits. That would make you unreasonable

@Anotherimaginativeusername

Thanks for the replies. The range of opinion and reasoning closely mirrors the debate we’re having at home, along with some new perspectives. It’s good to hear from people who’ve been in similar situations as well.

Someone upthread made a good point about whether private schooling would make much of a difference to DC1’s eventual grades; maybe, maybe not, but they’d likely be happier and more fulfilled. And my argument in favour leans more towards happiness and fulfilment than qualifications.

Another good point made was about associated expenses with private school. We’re prepared for this, and honestly DC2 will continue to receive equally in terms of monetary input, and our time. Something we’re already used to balancing, with the various clubs, sports, and activities that the DC are into.

I think it would be a different scenario if you were only paying for one child and not the other. As it will be on a scholarship as such and based on academic abilities rather than you paying for only one of your children, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It would be important to consider whether there will be hidden costs and you definitely need to confirm how long the scholarship will last for. The last thing you want is there to be a time when there will no longer be a scholarship, then you’d have the difficult of quandary of whether you should keep the child in the school or take them out of a school, where they might be flourishing, in the spirit of fairness.

It’s a tricky situation. You don’t want one child to feel disadvantaged compared to the other or one to be compensated more whilst the other didn’t necessarily choose where they went to school or the costs that entailed. As long as you’re able to treat both equally and not let it lead to some kind of toxic sibling rivalry, both children can flourish under different academic settings.

I do know a situation though where a family had two girls then a boy. The two girls were able to go to a very good state girls school nearby, but the option for the boy was poor so they sent him to a local private school. It was a totally understandable decision because he did not have an equivalent state option to the girls. The girls were initially a bit huffy about it in that teenage kind of way, but 10 years later all 3 have done very well. I would do what is best for your DC although I acknowledge the difficulty of the decision. I think I could be in a similar position in a few years.

I don't see how you could deny DC1 the opportunity, he's achieved it himself. You're not choosing to pay for one child over the other, you're deciding whether to deny DC1 something he's earned. If he gets onto a football team would you stop him going because DC2 didn't make the cut? Will you stop DC1 from going to university if DC2 fails his GCSEs?

A levels I meant 🤣🤣

My brother went to a private school on a scholarship. I have no resentment at all. I'm proud of him. I think it might have been different if our parents had paid for only him and not me.

A similar thing happened when I was 14. I had the opportunity to go on a school trip for 2 weeks to Paris. I was top of my class in French and several other subjects, This was the 1950s and very few people went abroad then - only the rich. There were no cheap package holidays. There was also little spare money in the home and I was often refused permission for school trips because my younger sister always seemed to need something.

When I told the headmaster this he offered my parents a bursary which would have paid for the trip and given me a little spending money. It would have been completely confidential and not even my form teacher would have known. The headmaster emphasized how it would give my CV a boost when I applied for jobs. My father refused to give his permission because:

He saw it as charity
It would give me unrealistic ideas "above my class"
It was unfair to my sister (she was 7 years younger and not even at the same school).

I never forgave my father. I told him "One day I will travel the world and pay for it with my own money"

I kept my promise and every time I went on a trip thereafter I reminded him of how he had tried to limit my chances.

There aren't many 100% scholarships knocking around...i think the liklihood is you'd still have to spend £££ to send dc1 there in both top up fees and extras.

Unless you can spend exactly the same on dc2 it would be very unfair.

Either way - sorry but I just don't see this ending well. What happens if dc2s best friend leaves for some private school or they start having troubles? You're not in a position to then give them the same opportunity.