He told son to 'shut the fuck up'

[kallianiot]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

If it was out of character, perhaps he was getting really stressed about the baby crying, not taking the bottle and feeling a failure, worrying that you'd think he was a rubbish dad. Everyone snaps occasionally.

Swearing at a baby means nothing.

Shouting is not the best but newborns are particularly exhausting and sometimes a person gets to the end of their tether.

Personally I’d let it go.

If a trend emerges of him not being able to cope consider post natal depression

If its a one off and out of character i would let ot go.

Sorry, I disagree with others.
He shouted and swore at a one month old baby, he's not a good Dad, he just proved that.
Someone had to take the baby from him.
I would be getting out and not leaving that child alone with him x

Actually shouting and swearing at a baby DOES mean something - it affects their brain development and can lead to anxiety, insecurity and developmental issues. A baby is also affected by adults shouting at each other - so I’m glad you are angry at your partner. The baby is one month old, how has he otherwise been a ‘good dad’ because I just would never be able to trust him alone with my baby after this. Yes babies get fussy and it’s exhausting but omg I’m so glad his brother was there.

It’s good that his brother challenged him and took the baby, and good that he apologised and didn’t try and minimise what he had done.

Check in with each other and give mutual support for when everyone is tired and fractious, and if he seems to be struggling again, he / you could maybe seek help via your HV?

There is support for new Dads too.

At my baby group the leader always used to say there would be moments with a crying baby where we felt we could lose control. She said put a newborn on its back in the middle of a double bed and walk away and breathe / take a moment/ whatever. Or a child that could roll, put them safely in their cot and do the same.

I hope things stay calm.

Just get him to keep talking.

Really surprised at some of these responses. That's fucking awful. Babies are so dependent on whoever's caring for them and the DO pick up on hostility and feel unsafe. How long was he left with him? I wouldn't be leaving my child with him alone at all if I could help it.

*they

I’m sorry that you’re so upset by this OP but I think you’re being a bit harsh given that you say this is out of character for him and he’s usually a good dad. I understand why though- it’s instinctive to want to protect your baby. 1 month of probably sleep deprivation, getting to grips with getting to know your baby, constantly worrying whether you’re doing the right thing... we all react differently and we don’t always react well.

I think it depends how it was done. Most people have muttered 'ffs' under their breath when their baby just cries and cries and cries. They can't understand what you're saying, obviously. I think I've also told them to stop fucking crying when I've been pacing up and down for hours. But I think that's different to properly 'losing it's nd raising your voice, being aggressive, shouting etc that could actually frighten a baby.

Did he shout or say it. It makes a difference. The words themselves are not hugely relevant at this age and your op said he "said" it.

A family member felt it necessary to step in and remove your son from this man's 'care' in order to keep him safe. This wasn't a 'muttered under the breath' moment or a mere expression of tiredness.

He'll use it as an excuse not to be alone with the baby again, an ever-present underlying threat.

I'd treat this with concern and keep a close eye on him.

@Feelingconfused2020

Did he shout or say it. It makes a difference. The words themselves are not hugely relevant at this age and your op said he "said" it.

His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him

I fail to see after less than a month you can say your DP is a 'good dad'. It remains to be seen what kind of dad he'll be, and right now it sounds like a shouty sweary one. If he can get so frustrated with a tiny baby imagine what he'll be like with a toddler who's said 'NO!' to his nap or won't sit still to have his shoes out on.

Proceed with caution. You're right to be pissed off.

Of course it is concerning, but becoming a parent is the steepest learning curve we will ever experience.

I'm not saying he should get a free pass for this, but God those early days are frustrating

Shocked at posters saying to let it go.

He shouted at your defenceless baby, he's disgusting.

For a start I wouldn't be leaving my son unattended with him again.

Hmm. Tbh I told DS3 (5 weeks old tomorrow) quietly and calmly - children asleep in the other room - to stfu around 4am this morning: I was burping him for the umpteenth time, Ds1 and 2 have bad colds and I've had about 12hours sleep in 4 days. I then finished burping him, fed him again, burped him again and went back to sleep for 15mins before he woke up again.

Do I think I'm a bad parent based on that? No.

If I was shouting it at him in the middle of the day after a reasonable night's sleep with other people around who could help I'd think I wasn't coping.

How is he a good dad?? He has been a father for four weeks and has already shouted and sworn at the baby. I'd be really upset by this.

That's lovely for you UserOne, but is in no way similar to OP's situation.

I'm sorry but he's been a parent 3.5 weeks!

So saying it's "out of character" or he's "normally a good Dad" means pretty much fuck all when it's been basically 5 minutes since you gave birth.

Now I'm not going to be po faced and claim perfect parenthood - there certainly were times when I hadn't slept in 6 months where I would whisper desperately "pleassleshutupleaseshutupohgodplease" to my baby as tears rolled down my face at 4am.

But shouting shut the fuck up in anger? HELL NO.

Watch the situation carefully. This may not end well.

I'm shocked people are doing he's at the end of his tether the baby is only 4 weeks old! He's not a sole parent there are clearly other people around to help, I don't know how you can shout and swear at a tiny baby. Is this just positioning you to do all of the childcare for fear he'll react that way?

How long was he on his own with his son? It must have been quite a short time if you’d “popped” out to the shops. How long is your fuse? How long would you have to be in sole charge of your DS before you shouted at him to shut the f*ck up? I agree that millions of parents will have muttered FFS under their breath, but that is very different to what seems to have happened here. His level of frustration is totally unacceptable and he needs to deal with that. Children don’t really get easier.

Out of interest, how old is his brother and does he have children? If he’s youngish with no kids and thought how your DP behaved was bad enough to take your DS off him I’d think it wasn’t a mild expression of annoyance from a tired parent.

Was he overwhelmed and shouting?
Does he know what he should do if overwhelmed?
It's important to know what to do when one can't handle the crying or the exhaustion as some people end up shaking the baby which can lead to very bad consequences. If overwhelmed, he needs to put the baby in a safe place like his cot and go out of the room to get some time to recompose.

He has been a father for a month and swears at a baby. That isn’t good - please don’t say he is normally a good father, because it has only been a few weeks and he is already showing his colours.