He told son to 'shut the fuck up'

[kallianiot]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

Yes, over the years there have been many, many MNetters who have admitted to swearing at their newborns out of frustration when they're crying.
Swearing and shouting? Sorry to belabour the point but there's a huge difference. This guy shouted loudly enough that his sibling felt it necessary to intervene.
You're not going to convince me that's normal.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Yes, over the years there have been many, many MNetters who have admitted to swearing at their newborns out of frustration when they're crying. Swearing and shouting? Sorry to belabour the point but there's a huge difference. This guy shouted loudly enough that his sibling felt it necessary to intervene. You're not going to convince me that's normal.

Yes, they've shouted shut the fuck up or similar things through sheer frustration and were mostly met with sympathy and understanding when it's been a one-off situation.

I don't need to convince you it's 'normal' as you put it.

Well, whatever... The baby is not even a month old, op can't tell if it's a one off.

@KingdomScrolls

His 21 year old brother with no children took the baby away because he thought it was that bad. Reflect on that

This.

Plus his brother mentioned it to you. To break that confidence, it was either really bad or has happened before.

have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him

He's good with him when you are around to see it. You didn't know what he's like when he's alone with them. You do now.

I wouldn't leave him incharge again, until he has had some support/ education re coping with crying. Speak to your health visitor on Monday. Let him know you are very concerned. Share what you know about coping. Visit Icon site. Has he seen baby Jack 3 mins video?

If this was an OP saying her husband had shouted shut the fuck up at her he's be labelled verbally abusive and people would suggest she LTB. But a guy does it to a newborn and people weigh in saying they've also shouted at their babies and it's because babies are hard work?? So that's ok then? Give me strength

OP your boyfriends brother told you what had happened because he knew it wasn't right. I don't care how frustrated someone gets, shouting in babies face is never ok.

How do you know this is a one off @WorraLiberty?

I spoke to him and he said he feels like a shit dad and he said he couldn't make him stop crying so that means he is and that he won't shout or swear at son again.

When you talk to DH about this, separate the action from the person. What he did was bad but he isn't a bad person. He needs help - if he won't take that help, he needs to not be left alone with the baby.

Shouting and swearing didn't make the baby be quiet, what will he do next time?

The thing that fucks me off about this thread is how much responsibility for managing the dad's parenting is placed on the mother. Explain to him about coping, walking away and taking a minute, why shouting isn't ok etc... Does this man not possess Google? Or a parenting book? Can he not call the health visitor? He is a parent. It is now his job to learn how to do that properly, not the OP's job to teach him!

It's the same as dads who try to "stop the baby crying" by doing something that clearly isn't working increasingly roughly for ten minutes then giving up in frustration and throwing baby back to mum - as if mums have some sort of magic power and haven't spent ages with crying baby FUCKING LEARNING what works and what doesn't by trying ever fucking thing under the sun, actually listening to baby and responding to them dynamically. As if it's not bloody difficult for mothers too.

OP, we all get stressed out with newborn crying, but he had the baby for less than an hour, in the middle of the day with family around for practical and emotional support, and he shouted at your tiny baby. I would be reading the riot act.

@ohwhattodowithmylife

Sorry, I disagree with others. He shouted and swore at a one month old baby, he's not a good Dad, he just proved that. Someone had to take the baby from him. I would be getting out and not leaving that child alone with him x

I agree with this. The baby is only one month old and he’s already done that? He’s been a parent for 5 seconds and he’s not a good one at all, he’s potentially dangerous. I would be really worried that the next burst of irritation or anger in your partner would mean he shakes the baby which can cause brain damage or death.

@kallianiot

I spoke to him and he said he feels like a shit dad and he said he couldn't make him stop crying so that means he is and that he won't shout or swear at son again.

do you trust him ?

Have you or he heard of ICON? I'm not sure if it's regional but I will send a link in a second.

OP I would be concerned about him coping with a crying baby as I slept. I know that's really not an ideal thing to say but the evidence shows that he isn't coping under the stress of the baby crying and it needs to be addressed or discussed. What to do when the crying gets too much.

Having said that, when our first son was 8 months old I heard DH shout shut up at him when he was crying and difficult to settle.
I was so so annoyed and wondered how his future was as a dad.
DS is 14 now and we have two more DS's and he never once said that again or even came close to it. In fact he would be the one to take the baby from me when we both recognised that I'd reached the end of my tether with crying and maybe I would shout (I wouldn't, but I wanted to when the colic was bad).

What needs to happen is a conversation about babies crying, that it's difficult to cope with and everyone has their limits and it's ok to put the baby down in a safe place and walk away. That's an important conversation to have.

God knows I've put my baby in a cot and walked away to breath many a time. You don't need to leave them for long in order to gather your thoughts or even ask for help.

ICON crying babies

@Couchbettato

Oh god I hope this isn't the same op as the baby that "fell off the bed".

The silence says a lot though.

My thoughts exactly. It's written in an extremely similar style.

@JeanClaudeVanDammit no idea , are you?

First thing I thought on reading this thread was is this the same newborn who 'fell' off the bed in the few minutes his dad was watching him? I really hope it isn't.

Can someone PM me a link to the other thread, please?

No, ds didn't fall off the bed. I'm not sure I trust partner to leave him with ds for a while as I've been looking after ds for longer than an hour (when partners working) and I would never swear or shout at him even when he wouldn't stop crying.

Totally agree, trust your instinct OP.

I think, if it was me, I would be expecting him to show serious action to learn coping techniques. Books, health visitor, parenting sites, anything to suggest he is taking what he did seriously and not just dismissing it with "I won't do it again." Easy for him to say but what will he do to ensure that it won't happen?

How old is your partner? You mentioned his brother is 21. If he’s younger than his brother I wonder if he hasn’t fully emotionally matured yet and learnt to regulate his emotions. Talking to someone for some advice such as health visitor might be a good idea.

@Draineddraineddrained

The thing that fucks me off about this thread is how much responsibility for managing the dad's parenting is placed on the mother. Explain to him about coping, walking away and taking a minute, why shouting isn't ok etc... Does this man not possess Google? Or a parenting book? Can he not call the health visitor? He is a parent. It is now his job to learn how to do that properly, not the OP's job to teach him!

It's the same as dads who try to "stop the baby crying" by doing something that clearly isn't working increasingly roughly for ten minutes then giving up in frustration and throwing baby back to mum - as if mums have some sort of magic power and haven't spent ages with crying baby FUCKING LEARNING what works and what doesn't by trying ever fucking thing under the sun, actually listening to baby and responding to them dynamically. As if it's not bloody difficult for mothers too.

OP, we all get stressed out with newborn crying, but he had the baby for less than an hour, in the middle of the day with family around for practical and emotional support, and he shouted at your tiny baby. I would be reading the riot act.

I don’t think anyone thinks the Dad’s behaviour was acceptable or reasonable, and in principle you are right. But in the OP’s life, what are her choices? LTB and kick him out Give him options for finding ways to manage his behaviour and learn to become a better parent and partner.

I got support as a new parent, from ante natal group and HV. DH EAs at work when all this took place, and not much literature was aimed at nee Dads.

The OP doesn’t have so manage his behaviour, but it’s in everyone’s interests that he moves forward from his acknowledgment that he did wrong. He can follow up her leads for j go and support, learn from the learning she may have received.

Whilst also making it very clear that his behaviour was not acceptable, keeping a close eye on his progress, and not taking risks.

@kallianiot

No, ds didn't fall off the bed. I'm not sure I trust partner to leave him with ds for a while as I've been looking after ds for longer than an hour (when partners working) and I would never swear or shout at him even when he wouldn't stop crying.

wise decision, you have to be honest OP and trust your instincts, its all we have lady.

good luck 🌸