He told son to 'shut the fuck up'

[kallianiot]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

@kallianiot

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

And some people might think a good dad would say, yesterday, “hey, Kelli, I just changed the baby and I see we’re getting low on nappies, I’ll pop out and get some more. Anything else we need while I’m out.”

@Zoinksalot

Hundreds of threads on here about women losing their cool and shouting, swearing, screaming into pillows , at their babies because they're stressed or dont know how to calm them / they won't settle.

I wouldn't be angry about it but I'd use it as a point to learn from and ways to avoid it in future

I was just going to say that if a new mum had written that she was so upset with herself as she told her baby to shut the f up she would have been given sympathy and told to make an appointment to see her gp as she might be struggling with post natal depression. The minute a dad says it though everyone says they are not fit to be a parent. I’m not commenting on your particular case but in general I do find mumsnet very anti male.

Apart from the holier than thou answers on her I think the majority of people get to a point of helplessness ,frustration and being overwhelmed, especially when it's all new and your finding your feet .

I will hold my hand and say I've had a STFU moment and stormed off.

Also it depends and his usual vocabulary, sadly many people use and think STFU is a prefect acceptable everyday language .

Chat with him take it from there don't go in all guns blazing

I think I have thought or said that to all my squids as babies
It’s rough

If he’s generally fine don’t make a meal out of it
If he’s not, leave

I have shouted but I've gone into the other room to do it, obviously it's not ideal he shouted at the baby and its bad if another family thought he had to remove baby from his care, he might not be coping very well and may need help, I'd keep an eye on it and not leave baby unattended until you've both settled in a bit more.

Are you the same poster whose DP claimed a 3 week old rolled off the bed?

How often does your h look after the baby by himself?
How much parenting does he do?
How much sleep had he had the previous night?
What would he have done if his brother hadn't been there?

I'd be wanting to know the answer to all these before I decided what to do.

Because losing control so that he shouted at a month-old baby, who had to be removed by another adult, is fucking shocking.

ohwhattodowithmylife

Sorry, I disagree with others.
He shouted and swore at a one month old baby, he's not a good Dad, he just proved that.
Someone had to take the baby from him.
I would be getting out and not leaving that child alone with him x“

Agree. Even your baby’s uncle knew that was SO wrong.
If he shouts and swears at a one month old baby, what’s next?

Today 20:16 GrumpyHoonMain

Are you the same poster whose DP claimed a 3 week old rolled off the bed?“

Oh good god, I hope not.

At 9 months old I shouted at my dd to shut up. Realised I what I had done, put her in a cot and walked away for 5 minutes to get a moment. She’s almost 17 now and suffered no ill effects from that. I was overwhelmed from all the crying. I’m not proud of that moment but it didn’t and doesn’t make me a bad parent.

As a one off I would not be concerned, if it happens again then I would start to worry. Just tell him that if he feels he’s struggling to cope to put the baby somewhere safe and take a moment to breathe. I reckon plenty of parents have had to do this at least once.

If he’s shouting and swearing at a newborn good luck with a toddler who’ll push ALL the buttons.

I definitely once yelled at my newborn DC to shut up and go to sleep when I was absolutely exhausted and desperate for sleep and she wouldn’t settle. I’m not abusive or a terrible parent, I reacted badly to a really hard situation.

It’s perhaps slightly odder that it’s happened in the middle of the day with another adult around but I don’t think you have to leap to him being abusive or a terrible person. It’s also entirely possible he just isn’t coping.

It’s happened, and what really matters now is what he will do in future. Will he be able to put the baby somewhere safe and walk away to compose himself for a couple of minutes? Or ask for help?

"... have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him."

He's usually a good dad - when you're there to see.

He doesn't know why he shouted at a baby less than a month old. But he did it.

Shouting at a baby is pointless. So is shaking them. He won't know why he did that either. Best to make sure he cannot do that .

I told my daughter to shut the fuck up at about a month old. After no sleep. After my 9000th breast feed. After winding her, changing her nappy, singing to her and pretty much everything else.
People get frustrated sometimes.
A baby literally does not understand "shut the fuck up". But sometimes vocalising your frustration is enough to get past it.
Let it go.

Nicely put jeanclaude .

The advice depends on the circumstances.

@pictish

I am clearly a dreadful mother.

Me too!

A dreadful mother who has raised her poor child alone since he was 13 months.

And he's disabled.

Sometimes we just do and say stuff. It doesn't make us bad parents - it makes us human.

I'd say my ExP who was out shagging anyone with a pulse was a worse parent than me. And I don't ever recall him swearing at ds!

He behaved awfully - and, it seems, with very little provocation. He’d only been looking after the baby a short time yet couldn’t even cope with that. Moreover, his own brother was concerned enough to remove the baby from him and to tell you when you got home. That seems to me that his brother had some definite concerns.

Do not leave him alone with your baby again. Insist he gets support and guidance. If he can’t cope with that tiny amount of time, I don’t doubt he’ll lose his temper again. It’s frightening.Don’t leave your baby with him. He’s not a good dad and he clearly can’t cope with a young baby.

Still not getting it's about the shouting , not the swearing... little 😉 faces doesn't change a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh god I hope this isn't the same op as the baby that "fell off the bed".

The silence says a lot though.

Depending on your environment. I've said this many times to my newborns! 11, 9 and 5 now. None of them have held a grudge. It's a massive game change having a baby. I think you have other issues though.

I definitely think if a mum wrote this that she had snapped and swore at her new born and her brother took the baby away she would get nothing but utter sympathy and posters would be falling over themselves to reassure her she was a good mum “speak to your gp ” , and yes I have seen similar threads where this has happened, But when it’s a man he’s immediately “abusive”

I was just going to say that if a new mum had written that she was so upset with herself as she told her baby to shut the f up she would have been given sympathy and told to make an appointment to see her gp as she might be struggling with post natal depression

You’re right! A woman posted did make a thread not too long ago because she left the room and shouted; income the hoards of people saying ‘oh my god you have PND, for your baby’s safety go to the GP’

Christ a man does it and the first page is just people saying let it go. Why the difference, I suppose it’s not exactly the same people posting maybe but general consensus is he’s fine as long as it’s a one off. Just like the general consensus in the other thread was that the OP had a mental illness.

No i didn't make that thread. Last night baby was quite unsettled and kept crying when we put him down so one of us held him whilst the other one slept but then ds settled in his cot and I got up earlier than partner this morning (we take it in turns at weekends).

Good dad my arse, he is nothing more than a arsehole calling a baby that.

He is only a Dad for a few weeks and so saying he is usually a good dad is just silly. This is the test and I would definitely be concerned. At least his brother pulled him up and he apologized. Id keep an eye. It's not good. Babies are sensitive I think. They need a nice calm environment.