He told son to 'shut the fuck up'

[kallianiot]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

His 21 year old brother with no children took the baby away because he thought it was that bad. Reflect on that

I wouldn’t leave my baby with him again for a while after this, a long time. I’m glad his brother intervened and told you.

It's the fact that the 21 year old brother was sufficiently concerned to remove the child from him that would trouble me.

The baby is one month old. It's not like your partner has experienced (yet) years and years of broken sleep, as some parents have to go through.

If this is how he behaves after a month, I'd be worried about how he'll cope after even longer with broken nights etc.

Also, his brother's known him for his whole life, so the fact he felt the need to take the child actually says a lot. It obviously frightened him to see his brother shouting abuse at his own baby like that.

I remember the colic days (whatever colic actually is) when ds1 would cry from 5pm to midnight every while we swapped him back and forth between us.
Difficult times.

Maybe this guy is a twat...but equally maybe not.

Christ some people are overreacting.

If it's a one off and out of character then I wouldn't worry at all, other than to check that the dad himself is coping ok.

Obviously if it keeps happening it's a problem, but I fucking defy any parent to be able to honestly say that they didn't have a single moment during the baby phase when they didn't have a moment of frustration or anger at it all.

I think it's a good idea to have more conversation about this and make sure he gets some help. 'Good' people who get overwhelmed with babies can make very rash decisions that have lifelong impacts for everyone involved.

@pictish

I remember the colic days (whatever colic actually is) when ds1 would cry from 5pm to midnight every while we swapped him back and forth between us. Difficult times.

Maybe this guy is a twat...but equally maybe not.

But op had just popped out for nappies and the baby was asleep when she got back.

I think the first month was the hardest...chucked into the deep end with a newborn, no experience of sleep deprivation, hours upon hours of purple crying...if I ever lost my cool with my baby, it was in the first weeks when I had zero emotional regulation.

It's obviously not okay, but a lot of us have been there.

Alarm bells are ringing. He's not had time to prove he is a good dad, and on this evidence, he isn't. Yes, it might be a one-off (let's hope so), but if I were you I'd be extremely worried about how he is coping with looking after the baby, and not trust him for ages until he proves he won't do something dangerous.

If he can't cope with a 1 month old I doubt he will cope with a toddler....

Or a teenager or to be honest any age as up to 1 year baby's tend to be the easiest

How the fuck can anyone say he's a good dad when he's been a dad for 5 minutes and swears and shouts an a newborn??
This is a big deal and no you shouldn't just shrug it off.

I didn’t think you did make the thread @kallianiot I was highlighting the disparity in response depending on which sex did the ‘shouting’

@ohwhattodowithmylife is spot on.

He's a cunt.

Some of these replies excusing and minimizing his fucking vile behaviour show how little people care about children's welfare.

A one month old baby FFS. Seriously, he told a ONE MONTH OLD BABY , his own baby, to SHUT THE FUCK UP . People you need to raise your standards.

Babies are sometimes shaken in a moment of frustration..Babies screaming can drive people to utter distraction, the sound is incredibly loud, and my otherwise good neighbours once shouted ''Shut the f&ck up!!!!!'' and slammed the bedroom door with velocity.

This was a baby that the woman wanted and the man did not {He had 3 grown kids } She took the baby out into the garden, and all you could hear was the shutting of sash windows...and the relentless shrill screams of the baby.

Thank goodness they moved. There's a new baby there now whose dad sings to her in Baritone...He's lovely! As is baby.

If he can't cope with a 1 month old I doubt he will cope with a toddler....

I’ve never come close to shouting at my child in anger through the toddler years, and she’s certainly no angel. But I shouted in her face when she was about a month old, because I was exhausted and not coping. Babies are easier than older children but as parents you are a lot less experienced. We’re better at it now, even if she’s harder to care for. We’re not shell shocked like we were in the first few weeks after our lives had been turned upside down.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Am I a cunt and “fucking vile” too?

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@ohwhattodowithmylife is spot on.

He's a cunt.

Some of these replies excusing and minimizing his fucking vile behaviour show how little people care about children's welfare.

A one month old baby FFS. Seriously, he told a ONE MONTH OLD BABY , his own baby, to SHUT THE FUCK UP . People you need to raise your standards. [/quote]
Oh ffs.

Not everyone copes immediately well with new babies and plenty of people will have let some frustration out. It doesn't make them vile, it just makes them humans with, y'know, emotions and things.

As a once off I wouldn't be concerned at all, a single swear or a bit of a shout is not going
to cause any harm. Obviously it is a problem if it becomes more than that.

What would worry me more than anything is if he can shout at his baby in front of his brother what "could" he do if he was alone
I'm sorry your dealing with this op and sorry if that's not what you want to hear 💐

Tell him if he can’t cope he needs to put the baby down somewhere safe and have five minutes to himself to calm

Also it takes space and time to learn how to sooth a baby.

@ohwhattodowithmylife

Sorry, I disagree with others. He shouted and swore at a one month old baby, he's not a good Dad, he just proved that. Someone had to take the baby from him. I would be getting out and not leaving that child alone with him x

Blimey, by your way of thinking a huge number of MNetters should never be left alone with their own children and their DP's should take their babies and run.

Blimey, by your way of thinking a huge number of MNetters should never be left alone with their own children and their DP's should take their babies and run.
A high number of mumsnetters shout and swear at their newborns?

@GreyhoundG1rl

Blimey, by your way of thinking a huge number of MNetters should never be left alone with their own children and their DP's should take their babies and run. A high number of mumsnetters shout and swear at their newborns?

Yes, over the years there have been many, many MNetters who have admitted to swearing at their newborns out of frustration when they're crying.

They're generally looked upon sympathetically, especially when it's a one-off as is the case here.

Maybe take it as an opportunity to go through coping techniques with him but do be careful.