He told son to 'shut the fuck up'

[kallianiot]

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. Son is almost a month old, me and partner live with his mum as we're currently saving for our own place. He is normally a good dad but now I have no clue what to think!

Earlier I went out as son needed more nappies so I popped out for abit. Partner was at home with baby. Anyway when I got back his brother told me that ds was crying and wouldn't settle and partner had already tried to feed him but he didnt drink the bottle and he didn't need changed and then he heard partner say shut the fuck up to him. His brother told him he shouldn't shout at him and took son off of him. When I got home son was asleep and seemed ok but I'm just so angry and have no clue why he shouted as he's usually a good dad and patient with him . I spoke to him and he apologised and said he doesn't know why he shouted at him. I'm just so shocked and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this isn't in the right place

The one time the OP is briefly out of the house also happens to be the exact point he “snaps”?
It’s not like he was struggling alone all night/days on end, it was an hour or so in the day!

For it to be bad enough for another relative to step in and remove the baby, seems very worrying.

Could be a very bad sign of things to come. He should only be feeling protective towards the baby,

How could he possibly feel overwhelmed during the day when he was temporarily left in charge while op popped out? Did he recently give birth? Was he up all night Brest feeding, had he had no respite from baby for the last 4 weeks? No, thought not.

He sounds like a fucking maniac.

Hundreds of threads on here about women losing their cool and shouting, swearing, screaming into pillows , at their babies because they're stressed or dont know how to calm them / they won't settle.

I wouldn't be angry about it but I'd use it as a point to learn from and ways to avoid it in future

I would be worried that he might shake the baby in frustration the next time he can’t cope with crying.

If a trend emerges of him not being able to cope consider post natal depression

Only women get actual PND, its hormone dependent. Men can get depressed after becoming fathers, but that is not post-natal depression. Because post-natal means after birth, and refers specifically to the person who has given birth.

@N4ish

I would be worried that he might shake the baby in frustration the next time he can’t cope with crying.

Bit of a stretch

I’m shocked by the responses. There’s a lot of research about the impact of shouting at a newborn, none of it says it doesn’t matter. It’s not acceptable and he needs to find ways to stay calm. Look at icon, it’s about coping with crying and has videos for Dads. I’d be cautious too and keep an eye on him as unfortunately some people can’t cope with the crying and can get rough with babies. Shaking them or manhandling them. He’s better putting baby in a safe place, leaving the room and calming down then going back to try and settle him. I’m glad his brother put him straight. Keep an eye on his mood, men do have hormonal changes after becoming a Dad and can get depressed.

@Zoinksalot

Hundreds of threads on here about women losing their cool and shouting, swearing, screaming into pillows , at their babies because they're stressed or dont know how to calm them / they won't settle.

I wouldn't be angry about it but I'd use it as a point to learn from and ways to avoid it in future

Not usually at the first opportunity they are alone for an hour with their month old baby though.

I was out for about an hour or just over an hour (as the closest shop is about a 20 minute drive there and back).

His brother is 21 and doesn't have children.

Any reason why he didn't go to the shop?

@HollowTalk

Any reason why he didn't go to the shop?

Maybe the OP wanted a break?

It's not "ok" but it's understandable as long as it's a one off slip. I definitely came within a whisker of shouting at both of my DC in the early weeks. The stress was like none that I had ever experienced before.

I would make sure that he knows that it's ok, and indeed important for both his sanity and for your baby, to have a time out if the frustration is getting too much. Handing off the baby to someone else or just putting them somewhere safe and leaving the room to count to twenty are both good.

I’d speak to him about putting baby in a safe space when he feels the end of his tether and walking away for 5 - our health visitor actually had to tick in the red book that she’d discussed that with us after we had DS2 (my DS is 5 weeks Monday)

It’s really good his brother was there to take the baby off him. DH and I tag team each other in when we hear the other one getting stressed.

DH has been where you are, with me, when I was at the end of my rope (I yelled at DS1 to stfu at 3 weeks old) - we sat down and he pointed out clearly what wasn’t acceptable, I apologised (lots of tears as I felt so shit about it), and re-evaluated what got us there (an imbalance of sleep between us, that’s how we got to tag teaming, and ensuring we both got a good amount of sleep).

Have a chat with him, watch how he goes with baby - PND in men is also a thing (I had PND after DS1) I’d make sure the next few times you leave baby with him, that someone else is present to help out if it gets too much.

Obviously if this becomes a regular thing, that’s a while different kettle of fish.

These people saying you shouldn't leave your child with his own father for swearing once at him actually terrify me!! If this was part of a pattern of behaviour like this then I would be a bit more worried but as a one off then no it's not shocking or terrible. I would speak to your partner, make it clear that it's not acceptable but ask him if he's doing ok. He may be struggling or exhausted himself. If my husband took my child away from me because I had sworn at them once I would be utterly devastated

While I never screamed directly AT my DC, during the first three months I definitely screamed into a pillow more than once. He was feeding every 1.5 to 2 hours for the first few weeks of his life and I had a very traumatic birth experience. Neither of us got any sleep and sometimes screaming is just frustration like steam coming out of a kettle. If it’s out of character I might give him a break but keep an eye on it.

Looking after a very young baby was one of the worst times of my life.

I’m sure I had a few utterances of ‘shut the fuck up’ when mine cried relentlessly as babies. It gets to you at times.

I am clearly a dreadful mother.

My husband is complicit too as he continued to leave me alone with them.

@pictish

I am clearly a dreadful mother.

If you were shouting at your newborn within an hour of being left alone with them to the point where someone else intervened... then yeah - that’s not great.

It’s one thing muttering stfu under your breath or walking away and saying it, another thing shouting it at a newborn the first time you’ve been left alone with him for a measly hour.

It’s not ok but it happens. If a momentary ffs moment makes you a shit parent then hands up I am a shit parent!

@pictish

I am clearly a dreadful mother.

You are not the only one.

The examples on here are not comparable with ops partner though. He was left with his baby for an hour and descended into shouting at him to 'shut the fuck up' during that time.

It was so bad his younger brother took the child off him.

@pigglepot He's been a father for less than a month, so you can't really apply the 'pattern of behaviour' statement at this point! It's entirely possible it's a one off, or this could potentially be the start of a pattern of behaviour,