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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter does not want to go to grammar

173 replies

Scarletbutnotohara · 24/04/2021 01:08

This is my first post and this group was recommended to me by a friend as an anonymous place to post rather than ask on Facebook!
She also told me to post in this section, not sure why but hope I’m doing it right!!
My daughter is in year 6 and will be going to secondary school in September.
She has got a place at a top grammar school. This was something she had wanted since year 4 after we started looking at schools to think ahead. We looked at schools as suggested by her school as to what would suit our daughter.
She loved the grammar and worked even harder to work towards the 11+, which she passed and consequently was offered a place at her first choice school.
In the last month she has made it very clear that she has changed her mind and doesn’t want to go there now.
I know she’s being influenced by her other friends at school who are mostly carrying on in indie schools and have told her many a story about this grammar.
My daughters happiness comes first of course, but I’m at a loss at what to do. Our financial situation has changed dramatically due to covid, and to continue in another indie school would mean some serious cutbacks. It’s possible, but it will be very hard. I feel guilty that I really want her to just be happy with the grammar school, but also guilty that I’m not offering her other options- I don’t know what the options are if I’m honest. Places have been offered. We could make the cutbacks and try and find a school for her that still has places.
We could send her to the local comprehensive school. That school does have places, but it also has a terrible reputation, the ofsted is ‘requires improvement’ and it’s well known in our area for being ‘bad.’ The children there stand outside smoking and a few times I’ve walked past, I’ve seen spitting, swearing and general bad behaviour. On top of that, the school has a high turnover of staff.
I’ve asked my daughter what she actually wants to do and where does she want to go. She says ‘anywhere but the grammar.’
Any advice please?
Am I being unfair to insist she tries out the grammar school and say if it doesn’t work out after a term, we can reconsider?
Is another 7 years of school fees Worth having to sell our second property that we currently rent out? (I Would feel awful for our amazing tenants- a lovely family)
Other good state schools are full with long waiting lists and they are nowhere near us. If she is worried about bullying at the grammar, I can’t consider out local comp as I’m sure it would be worse there!!
All advice welcome and Thankyou

OP posts:
mellicauli · 25/04/2021 21:54

Tell her it's too late, all the places are allocated (which is probably too). She'll have to give the grammar a go for a year and make the best of it. If she's still unhappy next summer, you can look at moving. Try find some girls who are going there and meet up with them. Look out for a Facebook page/meet ups for Y7 over the summer.

Original poster
Scarletbutnotohara · 25/04/2021 22:45

Something else that came up in our chat, completely unrelated to this post, is that she wishes she had a sibling. She feels she’s missed out by not having a brother or sister and she is envious of her of her friends- none of them are only children.
So as I said, completely unrelated to this, but again I have that ‘mum guilt.’
I come from a big family where my parents struggled to buy us school shoes.
I basically wanted to give my child the things I didn’t have, which is why we only had one child. So we could afford to give her that life. You all seem confident and strong mother’s from what I’ve seen on this post. Does anyone else feel they’ve got this parenting thing wrong?!
I can imagine having another child, and they could have gone to our local primary school and still had a good life.
I guess regret is also a wasted emotion, but am I really alone in feelings like these?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 25/04/2021 22:56

scarletbut

One of the friends filling her head with stories didn’t get a place there

There you go - that's why said friend is running it down! She's put out because she didn't get in and so is making it sound rubbish.

I've had this nonsense as a grown up. Thirty years on comments about how they 'got in but chose not to go' 'it was easier to get in back then' etc it's all really silly.

VestaTilley · 25/04/2021 23:02

Send her to the grammar. Tell her to ignore her friends. She’s passed the exam and deserves her place.

You clearly can’t afford private school and she needs to learn the - very - vital lesson that money does not grow on trees. Also: you’re the parent, she doesn’t get to dictate that you spends tens of thousands on a private school that you haven’t got! Tell her it’s the grammar or the comp. She’ll soon make new friends.

underneaththeash · 25/04/2021 23:05

Just tell her you get it - she can try it for a year and if it's not for her you'll find another school.

Standrewsschool · 26/04/2021 07:46

“ Does anyone else feel they’ve got this parenting thing wrong?! ”

Everyone, I imagine!

Standrewsschool · 26/04/2021 07:46

And I’m glad the talk went well.

Sanchez79 · 26/04/2021 07:48

Recent posters need to RTFT. OP has dealt with it very positively and the daughter will be going to the grammar.

BurbageBrook · 26/04/2021 07:51

I would tell her she’s got to give the school a try.

Remaker · 26/04/2021 08:17

My daughter is at a selective school in Australia (our equivalent of a grammar). She had major wobbles before she started. Burst into tears in the middle of orientation day, floods of tears on the morning of her first day. I picked her up from the station after school on day 1 wreathed in smiles “it was really fun”. Went off to camp the following week and came home talking non stop about her new friends and has loved it ever since (now in yr 9).

An 11 year old can’t make a decision this major based on nothing but other people’s gossip. I find parents fill their kids’ heads with all sorts of nonsense about selective schools and why paying for private is so much better. We asked our daughter to trust us, we would never intentionally send her anywhere we thought she would be unhappy and we truly believed that it was the right school for her. If she tried it for a year and hated it we would move her to a local girls’ comprehensive that she would have attended if she hadn’t got into the selective school.

Honestly we’ve never looked back, best decision ever.

CookieDoughKid · 26/04/2021 08:22

Not read all the replies here but I would take a hard line on this. Your daughter needs to understand you cannot afford to send her private. 97% of student population cannot afford to go private. As someone who went to a shit comp, and paid for it for 10years of my working youth, I came out very bitter as it held me back hugely. No. She is to go to Grammar. Give it a try. You can always fall back if it doesn't work out but I think she will come to realise being in a like minded cohort will have its benefits.

CookieDoughKid · 26/04/2021 08:23

Ah just read Sanchez update. Well done Op. Thx Sanchez79.

lulugee · 26/04/2021 08:24

You know best you not your daughter which is why you are the parent and she is the child. Go with your gut OP

Remaker · 26/04/2021 08:25

Apologies I missed the page with the update. Congrats I’m glad you had a productive talk. My DD also moved from co-Ed to an all girls school and it’s one of the things she loves most about her school. There is a freedom to be themselves and a really lovely atmosphere of support when they push themselves out of their comfort zone. I still remember the mocking from the boys I went to school with who couldn’t stand to be outperformed by a girl so would try to tear you down in other ways. DD doesn’t experience that and her confidence has just soared as a result! Not having to hear about endless crushes and relationships is a nice bonus too. Of course there are some SS relationships but they don’t dominate daily life. My niece is at a coed school and it’s all they bloody talk about!

Quincie · 26/04/2021 08:33

My Dniece got to go up to the more academic school but decided to stay with her friends at the poorer one. They later bullied her so it was a lose lose. I'd never have allowed my DCs to choose as education is too important and as the adult I feel I know best.

aintnothinbutagstring · 26/04/2021 08:47

Don't base decisions about your daughter's future on what 11year old kids are saying, seriously. Is there perhaps some jealousy or rivalry going on where the kids that are spouting off didn't get in to the grammar therefore are faced with the choice of either continuing indie or state? I'm in a grammar school area and the whole system round here is to send your DC to indie for primary with the intention of getting them into the local grammar, nobody wants to continue paying fees for secondary indie if they don't have to. Just be firm with her, you're the adult. If it doesn't work out further down the line, you can find that our for yourselves not based on some kids heresay.

CecilyP · 26/04/2021 09:01

Well done, OP. Glad you had the serious talk and managed to put her mind at rest. It’s good that other girls from her current school are going. While she is not currently friends with them, they could become good friends in future. If not, they will be a support till she makes new friends. The induction day will probably also help rekindle her enthusiasm.

I have also been thinking about bullying which among girls tends to be entirely verbal. Badmouthing a friend’s new school so badly that it makes a previously confident girl so nervous about going there, could be regarded as a form of bullying!

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 26/04/2021 09:53

@Scarletbutnotohara

Something else that came up in our chat, completely unrelated to this post, is that she wishes she had a sibling. She feels she’s missed out by not having a brother or sister and she is envious of her of her friends- none of them are only children. So as I said, completely unrelated to this, but again I have that ‘mum guilt.’ I come from a big family where my parents struggled to buy us school shoes. I basically wanted to give my child the things I didn’t have, which is why we only had one child. So we could afford to give her that life. You all seem confident and strong mother’s from what I’ve seen on this post. Does anyone else feel they’ve got this parenting thing wrong?! I can imagine having another child, and they could have gone to our local primary school and still had a good life. I guess regret is also a wasted emotion, but am I really alone in feelings like these?
It’s so easy to give advice when it’s not your child, that’s why everyone on your thread seems to be a strong confident mother! It doesn’t mean we all get it right or that we aren’t all a mess of insecurities at times.

You tried to give her what you didn’t have - isn’t that what loving parents have always done? If you’d made different decisions, you would just have different regrets (if you are anything like me, anyway!)

AngstyMom · 26/04/2021 09:57

Hindsight is 20:20, OP. You made the best choice you could with the knowledge you had at the time, don't beat yourself up over it.

MsTSwift · 26/04/2021 11:01

She is very lucky to have such loving and supportive parents. You need to get out of the guilt / give her everything mindset. It’s a cliche but there will always be those in life with more than you and those with less she needs to learn to buck up and enjoy what she has.

Also with a few exceptions us and everyone I know with siblings 11 - 14 ish they are pretty separate and have their own lives and friends anyway. My two of this age had a bitter row last night about one cutting up
a t shirt and both stropped off to their respective bedrooms...

Howmanysleepsnow · 26/04/2021 11:07

In secondary she’ll make new friends. Neither of my teenagers have stuck with primary friends. If she wants to go where her friends are, imho, that’s not a reason to change.
A term is quite short though: I’d probably ask her to finish y7 before making any decisions.

Howmanysleepsnow · 26/04/2021 11:10

Everyone feels guilt.
Fwiw, I have 4dc and my youngest constantly asks for a younger sibling. Apparently it’s not fair his brothers and sister have them and he doesn’t. He says he’s very sad about it and it’s unfair to leave him out Confused

mibbelucieachwell · 26/04/2021 13:04

My DC are in their early twenties. With the benefit of hindsight I would have done many things differently. But every child is an individual in different circumstances so all we can really do is make our best guess at the time for what we think will be the best for them. It's so hard. Really though, I think we have to,accept that no one's perfect and being brought up by loving parents who do their best is a pretty good start for everybody.

twoshedsjackson · 26/04/2021 14:09

When I got my grammar school place, the one thing that bothered me was not having any friends; I knew the work would be OK, two-bus journey I could handle after a dry run with Mum.....so on her advice, I took in a favourite book for break time, when my time wasn't being directed - and sure enough, this attracted the attention of another bookish type, and we became founder members of a close little group. Reassure your daughter with tales such as this, and promise her that she can keep in touch with her old friendship group. This may or may not happen; I'm still in touch with a primary school friend who went to a different secondary, but it's unusual.

Hereforthedramaz · 26/04/2021 14:14

I was in the daughter's place in year 6 and didn't want to go to the grammar I had a place at, purely because friends were going elsewhere.

Tbh my parents never entertained a debate, I was going and that was that!

And I totally agree, firstly an 11 year old is not mature enough to make those types of decisions.

And secondly to give you peace of mind, as soon as I got there and made new friends my original opinion was long forgotten!

School choices are parent/ guardian decisions.

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