My daughter does not want to go to grammar

[Scarletbutnotohara]

This is my first post and this group was recommended to me by a friend as an anonymous place to post rather than ask on Facebook!
She also told me to post in this section, not sure why but hope I’m doing it right!!
My daughter is in year 6 and will be going to secondary school in September.
She has got a place at a top grammar school. This was something she had wanted since year 4 after we started looking at schools to think ahead. We looked at schools as suggested by her school as to what would suit our daughter.
She loved the grammar and worked even harder to work towards the 11+, which she passed and consequently was offered a place at her first choice school.
In the last month she has made it very clear that she has changed her mind and doesn’t want to go there now.
I know she’s being influenced by her other friends at school who are mostly carrying on in indie schools and have told her many a story about this grammar.
My daughters happiness comes first of course, but I’m at a loss at what to do. Our financial situation has changed dramatically due to covid, and to continue in another indie school would mean some serious cutbacks. It’s possible, but it will be very hard. I feel guilty that I really want her to just be happy with the grammar school, but also guilty that I’m not offering her other options- I don’t know what the options are if I’m honest. Places have been offered. We could make the cutbacks and try and find a school for her that still has places.
We could send her to the local comprehensive school. That school does have places, but it also has a terrible reputation, the ofsted is ‘requires improvement’ and it’s well known in our area for being ‘bad.’ The children there stand outside smoking and a few times I’ve walked past, I’ve seen spitting, swearing and general bad behaviour. On top of that, the school has a high turnover of staff.
I’ve asked my daughter what she actually wants to do and where does she want to go. She says ‘anywhere but the grammar.’
Any advice please?
Am I being unfair to insist she tries out the grammar school and say if it doesn’t work out after a term, we can reconsider?
Is another 7 years of school fees Worth having to sell our second property that we currently rent out? (I Would feel awful for our amazing tenants- a lovely family)
Other good state schools are full with long waiting lists and they are nowhere near us. If she is worried about bullying at the grammar, I can’t consider out local comp as I’m sure it would be worse there!!
All advice welcome and Thankyou

Grammar sounds like the best option.

Do you know anyone with an older child at grammar? Maybe they operate a buddy scheme to pair year 7 up with older pupils.

I don't know exactly what your area is like, but surely if she wanted to go to an independent school she'd have needed to sit the entrance exam already? So she wouldn't get a place even if money wasn't a problem.

It's just a wobble, and it's been made worse by friends who aren't keen on her leaving. They're worried as well, and I would think that talking down the grammar school is a way of making them feel better about their own.

I think it's normal to have a wobble — I went from a small prep to a fairly small secondary, along with nearly half my class, including some good friends. I knew it would suit me well, there were clubs and sports I was interested in trying, when I went for the interview I'd liked everybody I met, I knew older girls there, but I still didn't want to go!

My husband thinks it’s just a normal wobble over moving up

I agree with your husband.

I think now is the time to step up as a parent and say the choice has already been made, and it's normal to feel apprehensive about what she's mentioned.

I've honestly never been so anxious as I was when my boys started secondary, but I hid it from them and bolstered their confidence as much as possible.

I don't know why you're even entertaining the idea of sending her anywhere else. Sometimes you can't be their friend.

She’s 11. She gets to express a preference, she doesn’t get to decide, especially when that decision impacts the rest of the family financially.

My daughter is at a good indi. If there was a good grammar in our area I would send her there in a heartbeat. Not least because it will probably be easier to get into university than from a private school.

My DNiece was bullied at her independent secondary school, and there was bullying at mine, too. Imo it's no more likely (or unlikely) at a grammar.

I suspect she's got cold feet about starting at a school where she doesn't know anyone, and is also reluctant not to be going to the same school as her friends. But she won't be the only one in that position
and she'll soon make new friends. It would be far more of an upheaval to change schools a few years in, if you found you couldn't afford it any more.

And don't forget, you and your DH are the adults here. Ultimately, you get to choose.

Your husband is right, OP.

This is a decision for parents, not for children. If she goes to the grammar and it really doesn’t work for her, you can reassess, but it just sounds like nerves about something new and different, fuelled by silly scare stories. She’ll be fine. Reassure her and then end the discussion.

Reckon it’s the friends dripping poison as sour grapes they didn’t get in! Sounds like a friendship upgrade would be a good thing anyway!

As a parent your job isnt to make her happy but to make decisions in her best interedt.

You cant really afford the private school, the state one in failing and she is eligible for the grammar, ergo she goes there.

Please, please don’t arrange the half days to Oxford and Cambridge as suggested above. It’s so, so, much pressure at too young an age. That kind of expectation is loaded and, in my view, quite toxic. If it doesn’t happen; the come down, the fallout, can be huge, especially if the expectation has been built up over years.

My DD went from the local comprehensive to the local independent on a 6th form scholarships.
She found the things the 'rich' kids thought about her old school hilarious. For example, she was asked if they could see her knife because they'd been told that all students of that school carried knives.
Interestingly, DD said that drugs at the independent school were as bad, if not worse than at the comp. We concluded that they had more cash to splash.

Sit down with her and write a list of pros and cons for each school and then discuss each point.
She's old enough to understand some of the financial issues so going to the independent may mean you need to work more hours so won't be around for her or that there will be less clubs/holidays.

You can also talk to her about nerves and how sticking with the familiar isn't always the best option.

She needs to take the grammar school place. Talk to the new school about her concerns, our child’s state school were great. They had a programme for anxious students to help them settle before they started at the school in the September.

A child doesn't have the experience or skills to make a properly informed rational decision . You're the adult and it's your responsibility to do whats best for her. You get her vaccinated, even though it hurts a little bit; you take her to the dentist, you make sure she cleans her teeth and gets the right diet and enough sleep even if she doesn't want to . Because you are the wise loving parent in charge of her welfare.

You explain to her the financial reasons why private school is no longer an option for your family. Tell her now she is growing up and needs to understand money, budgets, planning and decision making.

You explain to her that YOU don't do everything just like your friends (and nor should anybody) because you are an individual, living your own life, not theirs.

One day not too far ahead she and all her friends will ALL leave school. The real true friends will always stay in touch, see each other sometimes, even though they are on different paths. She can still be friends with kids at different schools and you will help her stay in touch. Make a list of ways to do that.

You have decided she will go to Grammar school, and that is that.

Her friends are filling her head with rubbish about the grammar based on .... nothing. 11 year old girls are NOT a reliable source of school information!

Stick with the grammar. If she truly ends up despising it, then at 13 she can move.

Incidentally, it would not be good for her, in the long run, to know that she drove her parents into penury by forcing them to shell out for an independent school when she didn't even try the grammar. That could lead to a terrible guilt for her when she's older.

Thank you all. I’m just catching up on the messages now and very thankful to have found Mumsnet for this level of support! It’s definitely helped me to realise I need to just be the parent here, and see the bigger picture. After reading most of these comments today, I had a long chat with my daughter this afternoon.
She admits that she is scared of the change. She knows deep down that most (if not all) of the stories she is being told have no truth in them. None of her friends are going to the grammar. There are 3 from her class going that she does know as they’ve grown up together but they aren’t very close.
One of the friends filling her head with stories didn’t get a place there and the others didn’t try, they got their places at the schools they /their parents wanted.
Some of her out of school clubs have a few girls off to grammar and there are some induction days coming up which will be beneficial for all of them!
I got tough thanks to you all, I didn’t say ‘try a term and see how it goes.’
I reminded her of all the hard work she has put into the last few years, and that a place at this school is something to be very proud of and we spoke about all the things she is looking forward to!
She understood that we cannot financially afford to send her to another private school, and even if we could, we know that the grammar school has far more benefits for her future.
Crisis averted - for now!
Thank you all.

Good news. I would definitely look at seeing what contact she could have with the school, teachers and students before she starts. It’s a big transition.
Also I’m sure you’ve told her. But make sure she knows you’re proud. She’s worked hard to get a place. She deserves all the opportunities that will open up for her.

Well done. From what you say, it sounds like she'll enjoy the grammar school. It's hard being a parent when you know your child is anxious about something you can't easily fix.

You're probably right not to offer a see how it goes clause. It worked okay with my DD but I was worried that she might not give it her best go if she knew she could go to the local school after a year or two.

Could there be a bit of reverse snobbery going on here? I went to a selective sixth form and people who didn't get in were always running it down. Actually it was amazing and I had a great time!!

Stick with grammar
Friends are probably jealous she's got the grammar , worried they will miss her, channelling their own parents eager to remind them why they'll be better at the indie schools they've chosen.

At 11 it feels like peers are everything but that doesnt mean they are right, in fact they are mostly wrong.

That’s good, I would still let the school know she’s anxious about the transition in case the school offers extra settling in days.

I think my initial reaction didn’t help her either. My husband says she will still be looking to me, at the age of 11, for some reassurance and support. So for me to start talking about other options or suggesting she does it for a term, wouldn’t have provided that confidence and boost she needed. Quite the opposite. I guess I’m partly having a wobble too. She’s still my little girl
But I absolutely know this will probably be the making of her.
The school certainly doesn’t have any kind of awful reputation, and of course bullying does happen in all schools.
The only parents I know with children there or going there, aren’t really part of my social circle, but I’m going to make a bit more effort so I can at least have someone to talk to in real life and hopefully will tell me the amazing things their girls have achieved there.
I think the other thing she isn’t sure of, is going to an all girls school, after all those years in co-Ed.
I went to a mixed state comprehensive, so I have no clue what it’s like at an all girls school. Boys were a bit of a distraction at my school though so hopefully she will avoid that.

Well done OP, and best of luck to your daughter