Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to not tell their partner this sort of thing. But I do think it's unreasonable to expect them not to without explicitly saying.

Audweb,
This is exactly what is wrong. As a single woman, who do you confide in if all your friends are blabbers to their dh? You may not want to confide in parents but it is good to have soneone to talk to. I massively resented it when my friend of 15 years would tell her dh, who she only knew a few years all about me. At the time, dating was not working out. There was no one to confide in. It feels uncomfortable if you havw a concern which is upsetting you, and friends tell their dh this as a topic of gossipy conversation. It feels like a betrayal.

It is no accident that most of my close friends are single women.

saraclara
How awful for you.

Wabe
Well said.

If a marriage needs the husband and wife to share intimate details of their friends' lives to be classed as honest and strong then it's a fairly damming judgement on the state of the relationship.

Could you imagine hearing this and thinking 'wow, what an amazing bond this couple have, I'm blown away by their oneness and honesty. They're such a strong couple':
My close friend has had a rough year, her marriage ended after being unhappy for a while and I've supported her throughout. During the last 6-12 months I've told my wonderful hubbybubs everything she said, so he knows everything from their sex life, to the fact it's frustrating her ex used to leave the kitchen a mess. As the relationship was coming to the end, friend opened up about some of the deeper issues in her relationship and the effect it's having on her. So I did what all good wives do: I told DH all about her ex husband's erectile dysfunction and the nature of the porn he had been watching, the ongoing effect of this on my friend's self esteem as she feels he has replaced her with porn. He knows all about the fact my friend has spent a year thinking she was the problem because after 3 children she doesn't have the body she had 10 years ago. He knows details of the diets she's been on, including the fact she stopped one after it gave her digestive issues. He knows all about each time she phoned up in tears because they'd had an argument. He knows the details of her savings account that she's been putting money into so she can leave. I've naturally told him about the fact she worries that DC number 3 was perhaps a mistake and though she would never change DC for the world, they were a baby to try and fix an already broken relationship. Some people might think I was out of order for sharing all this information, but me and DH come as a pair, most of it she didn't tell me explicitly to keep it to myself, but if it really mattered then when she called me at 10pm in floods of tears she would have said to keep it to myself. Of course, I'd have given her my word not to tell anyone, but would 100% tell DH because everyone knows husbands don't count. Did I mention that my openness and honesty shows what a brilliant and moral person I am? Don't you all wish you had a marriage as wonderful as me and DH?

@user1471554720

Audweb, This is exactly what is wrong. As a single woman, who do you confide in if all your friends are blabbers to their dh? You may not want to confide in parents but it is good to have soneone to talk to. I massively resented it when my friend of 15 years would tell her dh, who she only knew a few years all about me. At the time, dating was not working out. There was no one to confide in. It feels uncomfortable if you havw a concern which is upsetting you, and friends tell their dh this as a topic of gossipy conversation. It feels like a betrayal.

It is no accident that most of my close friends are single women.

Exactly.

This.

Respect.
Respect.
Respect.

@LolaSmiles
Exactly.

Character or No Fxcking Character.

I have absolutely NO problem nailing my name to this mast.

#irespectmyfriendsprivacy

*When someone has asked me to keep a confidence I have respected that and never thought twice about it.

I just don't understand the need to break a confidence.

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!

It is the the characteristic of a flawed, weak, dim person.

I married a man of a similar nature to myself.

I feel nothing but distaste for those would break the confidence of anyone who placed their trust in them*

I agree wholeheartedly. I’m a fiercely loyal friend and will keep confidences, why wouldn’t I? This need to be one with the DH and blab to him is a sign of an insecure person and an utterly shit friend.

Funny that so many of us on this thread have strong marriages while not having to perform, as you apparently do, the utterly bizarre act of pre-warning your friends that they should tell you nothing confidential because not only are you incapable of not running to your husband with it, you actually pride yourself on not being able to keep a confidence.

What nonsense. I think it’s about having friends, who like us, believe in the sanctity of marriage. I’m perfectly capable of keeping confidences and certainly don’t go running off to discuss matters. I don’t start every conversation with a ‘just so you know’ but our friends would almost without exception, think likewise. Honesty is the foundation for relationships. Secrets rather negate that honesty.

I wonder just how strong marriages which accept secrecy as an essential pre-requisite are?

@DissociativeBitch

Tbh i might tell my husband but also tell him to keep it to himself so friend wouldn't necessarily know he knew. I'd not be happy with being told to keep things from my partner.

But if I'm a friend of YOURS, even if I'm a friend of both of yours, why would you tell him anything about me that has nothing to do with him? WHY would he care of I have a lump in my breast or I always fake my orgasm or I think my boss is a dick? Why would he possibily want to know unless neither of you trust each other

@LemonRoses

Funny that so many of us on this thread have strong marriages while not having to perform, as you apparently do, the utterly bizarre act of pre-warning your friends that they should tell you nothing confidential because not only are you incapable of not running to your husband with it, you actually pride yourself on not being able to keep a confidence.

What nonsense. I think it’s about having friends, who like us, believe in the sanctity of marriage. I’m perfectly capable of keeping confidences and certainly don’t go running off to discuss matters. I don’t start every conversation with a ‘just so you know’ but our friends would almost without exception, think likewise. Honesty is the foundation for relationships. Secrets rather negate that honesty.

I wonder just how strong marriages which accept secrecy as an essential pre-requisite are?

A confidence is not a secret. It's not something that your spouse needs to know. It's something you want them to know. Your need to share everything isn't remotely important in comparison to the friend's need for privacy.

Some women don't feel like they are part of a sisterhood.
I do. I'd never tell a friends secret to a DP/DH.
My female relationships are as important to me as any other. That's the bottom line.

@sammylady37

*When someone has asked me to keep a confidence I have respected that and never thought twice about it.

I just don't understand the need to break a confidence.

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!

It is the the characteristic of a flawed, weak, dim person.

I married a man of a similar nature to myself.

I feel nothing but distaste for those would break the confidence of anyone who placed their trust in them*

I agree wholeheartedly. I’m a fiercely loyal friend and will keep confidences, why wouldn’t I? This need to be one with the DH and blab to him is a sign of an insecure person and an utterly shit friend.

This is the REAL class divide that I have experienced in MY life.

Once you are confident in who you are as a woman, and who you really want to be .

Who you want to be surrounded by.......it really is so easy to see the chaf from the wheat.

Their are SO many poster's on MN who will get this.

Wonderful friends that were so supportive of you, who would no more betray your confidence than cut off their own fxxking arm.

That's friendship.

I had such a friend.
She dropped dead recently.
I am a mess.
So sad.
She would no more have repeated a confidence EVER.

It was unspoken.

Just a lovely decent, lovely woman, whom never needed decency, honor or discretion explained to her.
Some women just get this shit.

I tell OH things sometimes, mostly because I need to talk through them or my friends need me in a way that affects him too. For example when one had a breakdown and I had to go there (over two hours away) in a rush and stay the weekend. However, OH has no relationship with any of my friends. Some of them he has never even met. Don't know if that makes a difference or not. I assume, for private people , it doesn't.

However I don't understand this honesty and must tell all to your partner/husband bollocks, especially if it doesn't affect or concern them in any way. It has nothing to do with honesty or secrets. It's not lying , not even a lie by omission , to not retell every single conversation you have with someone else. This feeling that you're "keeping something from him" is mind boggling to me.

yanbu, but most couples have little to say to each other after umpteen years and just offer it up for the sake of conversation.

I’m actually genuinely interested in this outrage at the suggestion that we have no secrets from each other. Few questions.

Firstly, do you agree to keep confidence because a friend has said, “Can I tell you something? Do you promise not to tell another soul? “. Is that the point you say, “Yes, of course, whatever is wrong? I won’t tell anyone.” As confidential as a confessional box?

Is that how you think people should act?

Next question what do you do if what they tell you is, say

• That your husband was at a sexual health clinic at the seams time as their son?
• That they were drunk last night and knocked someone off their bicycle, but drove away. Not very drunk, just a few drinks with another friend?
• That they are upset because they had found a number of indecent images of children on their partners phone?
• Their brother (who works for your husband) has been claiming benefits at the same time?
• They reversed into your husband’s car?

Do you really not say anything to anyone? That would be a real concern. Agreeing to maintain a confidence, without setting explicit limitations is just plain foolish.

@user1471554720

Audweb, This is exactly what is wrong. As a single woman, who do you confide in if all your friends are blabbers to their dh? You may not want to confide in parents but it is good to have soneone to talk to. I massively resented it when my friend of 15 years would tell her dh, who she only knew a few years all about me. At the time, dating was not working out. There was no one to confide in. It feels uncomfortable if you havw a concern which is upsetting you, and friends tell their dh this as a topic of gossipy conversation. It feels like a betrayal.

It is no accident that most of my close friends are single women.

True, and a lot of people confide in me.

It's heartening reading this thread though that some married women don't tell their husbands everything. Some married women value their female friends and respect that the information was share in confidence.

@billy1966 I'm sorry to hear about your friend, it sounds like she was lovely friend.

Same time not seam time.

I absolutely would not expect a friend to share something personal I have told them with a partner! I am single but I would not share a friend's issues with my sister who I tell things (personal to me) that I would not tell anyone else.

@LemonRoses

I’m actually genuinely interested in this outrage at the suggestion that we have no secrets from each other. Few questions.

Firstly, do you agree to keep confidence because a friend has said, “Can I tell you something? Do you promise not to tell another soul? “. Is that the point you say, “Yes, of course, whatever is wrong? I won’t tell anyone.” As confidential as a confessional box?

Is that how you think people should act?

Next question what do you do if what they tell you is, say

• That your husband was at a sexual health clinic at the seams time as their son?
• That they were drunk last night and knocked someone off their bicycle, but drove away. Not very drunk, just a few drinks with another friend?
• That they are upset because they had found a number of indecent images of children on their partners phone?
• Their brother (who works for your husband) has been claiming benefits at the same time?
• They reversed into your husband’s car?

Do you really not say anything to anyone? That would be a real concern. Agreeing to maintain a confidence, without setting explicit limitations is just plain foolish.

Why are you asking questions about events that actually involve your partner/their car/their business? That's not what we're talking about at all.

Why are you asking questions about events that actually involve your partner/their car/their business? That's not what we're talking about at all.

They are hypothetical questions. I think the idea of absolute confidentiality is sheer naive nonsense. When do you assert a guarantee that you will not tell anyone else? Before or after the information is imparted?
What happens if the sharing is around any of the issues mentioned? Does your commitment to not breathing a word to anyone still stand?

You’re clearly confused and confusing the need for honesty in a marriage with weakness or fragility. They are very different. It’s not about a need to share; it’s about a commitment to honesty and openness as part of our relationship. I’m many things, but fragile isn’t one of them

dh and I are completely honest and open as part of our relationship, but being honest and open does NOT include breaking confidences when you have heard something that is private, that that person has trusted you with.
@LemonRoses - don't you or your dh ever have confidential information at work? I would - quite rightly - be sacked if I shared information that I am party to at work with someone who wasn't employed as part of my Team.
I find it amazing that a grown adult can't differentiate between keeping a confidence about something that is nothing to do with their dh and "not being honest with" their dh.

saraclara - my understanding is the discussion is about respecting confidence st all costs, from everyone. I think that’s a very shallow promise.

BackforGood. I think I answered that one about work previously. No, we don’t share any CPI from work. There is no need to provide identifying details. We work in different fields and our professional paths don’t cross. We might share a vague description of a situation but nothing identifiable. It’s very different with friends who would be readily identifiable.

There was a thread about this recently and you are not being unreasonable. I think it's faintly pathetic if people can't keep confidences and, if they can't, then it's on them to tell their friend that it's best they don't confide in them as that confidence will not be respected.

I'm aghast at the safeguarding meeting details being relayed to a partner. That is beyond unprofessional and would rightly leave the authority wide open to investigation and censure.

I keep the secrets that I'm asked to. If I couldn't then I'd tell the person, not disclose to others and not let them know.

But LemonRoses, those aren't the situations this thread is about at all.

The OP was asking about if she tells a friend something deeply personal about her own life , does she have a right to expect that that information remains only with the person she has trusted to tell.

Which, of course she should fully expect.

Your scenarios are completely different.

don't you or your dh ever have confidential information at work? I would - quite rightly - be sacked if I shared information that I am party to at work with someone who wasn't employed as part of my Team.

This. In so many jobs the service user's and colleagues privacy is paramount. Confidential meetings, documents etc. If your husband asks you about your day do you tell all in a bid for honesty ? Do you feel like you're keeping secrets if you don't?