Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

@SaturdayRocks

Oh my goodness - I had no idea that the ‘sanctity of marriage’ included big, fat blabbing other people’s private issues to your Nigel.

Hilarious!!

Yeah, @SaturdayRocks, you’re doing it all wrong. So am I.

I have no idea how my late husband and I managed nearly 40 happy years together, what with me clearly being such a crap dishonest wife. If he'd found out that I was a good and trustworthy friend, he'd probably have divorced me.

Of course, in reality he'd have thought less of me if I'd been a gossip.

He’s probably not interested anyway

It goes in one ear and out the other

He probably won’t be listening

He’d probably dismiss it as “woman’s talk”

Then why bother telling him?

I suppose say she was a bit worried about her relationship with her husband rather than give details or say she’s concerned about potential fidelity risk because he’s working very closely with a work colleague. He’d likely say, ‘Oh, woman’s talk’ and move on
He probably wouldn’t use the term ‘women’s talk but would assume it was a conversation he didn’t need to be party to
So why can't you just say "ah just some personal stuff she's struggling with" rather than disclose the details?

If my friend is very upset, I feel upset. If I feel upset, it helps to talk about it to someone I trust with the info. It's very human you can have a conversation about feeling upset without giving details. I'm upset because Mandy told me some personal stuff she's got going on and it's worrying me. I don't want to go into the details because it's personal

Firstly, do you agree to keep confidence because a friend has said, “Can I tell you something? Do you promise not to tell another soul? “. Is that the point you say, “Yes, of course, whatever is wrong? I won’t tell anyone.” As confidential as a confessional box?
If my friends said "can I talk to you?" the default presumption would be that I wouldn't tell someone else. Not even the separate human being whom I married.

That your husband was at a sexual health clinic at the seams time as their son? Why would a friend tell you this but then expect you to never mention it. Ridiculous example. Same for the bumped car and work. If they're telling you something about YOUR OWN life then a friend wouldn't expect you to not do anything with that info

That they were drunk last night and knocked someone off their bicycle, but drove away. Not very drunk, just a few drinks with another friend?
That they are upset because they had found a number of indecent images of children on their partners phone?
We'd talk about what they were going to do next. I'd I felt they weren't going to do anything and I needed to take action, that would be telling the Police not gossiping to DH.

Most people understand that private conversations are private between the two people having them and that partners who aren't there aren't part of that twosome because you're not actually the same entity. however if someone is at serious risk then the situation is different.
A friend told me lots about her personal life. I didn't tell. She told me she was attempting to commit suicide whilst we text, I told someone.

So why can't you just say "ah just some personal stuff she's struggling with" rather than disclose the details?
I thought that's what most people did.

"Some personal stuff"
"Having a bit of a rough time at work"
"She's going through some personal things"

All acknowledge that you're giving support to a friend without giving out details.

I'd hate to be married to a man who didn't accept healthy interpersonal boundaries.

I'd suggest that a husband who took any of the responses above as a lack of respect for the sanctity of marriage, was not a man I'd want to be married to.

Well quite. They don’t sound like good men.

And in actual fact, I don’t think any of these men do believe that their wives and partners must divulge every single private detail their close women friends are going through. Part of me thinks they probably wish you’d shut up every now and then.

I suspect the women who just have to divulge, are nothing but gossips.

I value honesty in my marriage massively.

Telling him things friends have confided in me is not honesty. It makes no difference to him if my friend is going through something difficult and personal, so therefore not telling him that Sandra is considering leaving her husband is not dishonest to our marriage.

I am honest when something affects him and our marriage.

You can try and wrap it up in a pretty bow and talk about honesty and the sanctuary of marriage, but that's a pile of shit and you know it. Your marriage isn't more honest because you blab all your friend's personal difficulties, it really isn't.

Sanctuary= Sanctity

I always keep confidence but was shaken when a friend told me all about a friend of hers (who I knew vaguely) having an affair with her son's rugby coach. She airily discussed the details and then said her DH was also shocked. Still in shock at the information being discussed, I asked why she had told him too and she said that every time she went out with a friend he always asked her what the gossip was and she told him.

My heart clenched at all the stuff I had told her that he must know. I asked her if she told him my intimate emotional stuff and she denied it. I knew in my heart then the friendship was dead. I'd kept her confidence, she had not kept mine.

I don't tell my partner other people's personal issues because I might get drunk and blurt it out.

Those that tell their partners - you are not good friends - having a husband or partner does not give you the right to share other people's confidences.

he might get drunk, not me!

RiverSkater: "..she said that every time she went out with a friend he always asked her what the gossip was and she told him".
......
I would so hate to have a husband like that, what kind of wally is he?
......

U2HastheEdge, I so very much agree with your post.