Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

YANBU. If you wanted to confide in your friend's OH, you'd have gone straight to their OH instead of your friend.

Is it okay for friends of "one-couple-no-confidences" individuals to treat them as half a person or does it only work in reverse?

Still don’t see the issue 🤷‍♀️ They don’t need to know what I tell DH and he isn’t going to tell anyone.
If you can't see the issue of being dishonest to your friends and then spilling their secrets to your DH then that's a sad state if affairs.

Why haven't you told them that you share everything with DH and then they can freely decide what information to share with you?

It’s never come up. They’ve never asked me if I tell him and I don’t need to give a disclaimer of “oh by the way, I tell DH everything” because as I say, it’s not their business what we talk about.

@emilyfrost

It’s never come up. They’ve never asked me if I tell him and I don’t need to give a disclaimer of “oh by the way, I tell DH everything” because as I say, it’s not their business what we talk about.

It’s their business if what you’re talking about is private information confided in you!

Why not try a little experiment, @emilyfrost? Announce to all your friends that you’ve passed on literally everything they’ve ever told you, however private or personal, to your husband, because ‘it’s not their business what you talk to your DH about’. Then give it a year and see if they ever tell you anything personal ever again.

YANBU. I’ve seen this happen: friend A told me and friend B about something that happened to her years ago and asked us not to tell anyone INCLUDING our husbands. Friend B agreed and then immediately told her husband, who repeated it back to me and my husband. My husband is kind and respectful and said “you shouldn’t talk about this in front of me, I don’t know about it”. (I’d told him I was upset about something I couldn’t share with him. I think he has probably guessed, but he’s never mentioned it)
Friend A was deeply hurt, and I was furious for her. Neutral of us tell friend B anything any more unless were happy for Mr B to hear it. It has really affected our friendships.

@emilyfrost

It’s never come up. They’ve never asked me if I tell him and I don’t need to give a disclaimer of “oh by the way, I tell DH everything” because as I say, it’s not their business what we talk about.

Because they wrongly trust you to not betray their ocndidences.

emilyfrost
It absolutely is their business if you're sharing their confidences.
Youre lying by omission because for all the defensive 'it's none of their business' arguments, you probably know that if you were honest and told your friends that anything they say gets relayed to your husband, they might refrain from dislosing things to you and the friendships will probably become more superficial and arms length.

How awful of your so called friend Boood. I think you've hit the nail on the head regarding how people respond when they find out the people they considered friends spill to their husbands. It changes friendships because it highlights someone's dishonesty. It's very telling that those who are dishonest don't want to be up front with their friends.

@emilyfrost why does your husband even want to know?

@emilyfrost @LindaEllen @LemonRoses but WHY? Do you think your husband should be as interested and invested in every detail of your friends lives as you are? Is it that there's trust issues? That you're basically one person so if you know anything he doesn't it with fracture the bond set by marriage??

@emilyfrost

It’s never come up. They’ve never asked me if I tell him and I don’t need to give a disclaimer of “oh by the way, I tell DH everything” because as I say, it’s not their business what we talk about.

Jesus Christ. What an appalling, duplicitous, untrustworthy, disloyal friend you are.

You don’t even have the decency to let your friends know you’re blabbing to your dh.

Of course it’s their business what you talk about with him if what you’re telling him is their business that they’ve told you.

@Boood

Awful behaviour and bar the weather I wouldn't be expressing an opinion in front of B again.
Her husband also sounds like a twat.

My husband would be similar to me and would be seriously unimpressed with friend B and her husband.

It's about loyalty and respect.

Over the years when I have heard someone repeat a confidence told to them, to me, I strike them off my list.

It's a horrible trait and denotes a real flaw in a person's character IMO.

Tbh i might tell my husband but also tell him to keep it to himself so friend wouldn't necessarily know he knew.
I'd not be happy with being told to keep things from my partner.

I don't consider not telling my husband my friends private business which has absolutely NOTHING to do with him, "keeping things from my partner".

I just consider it respecting my friends privacy.

HER right to privacy does not involve my husband in anyway IMO.

I don't view my husband and myself as one entity but as two separate people that are capable of holding private information whilst still being devoted to each other.

DissociativeBitch, please do not relay things to your husband. He does not need to know (nor probably want to know), private things about friends. You don't have to be told not to tell him, you should know not to.

What is the matter with people who feel the need to betray confidences to their partners? It is just so obviously wrong.

And it wouldn’t be possible to talk about the rest of your day, including the fact that you’d seen Friend X, without disclosing her private or sensitive information to your husband?
@CalaminePink, if it were something serious, no, because I would be worried and/or upset. Minor things that aren’t distressing, nice things, that’s no problem. I know my friend m’s surprise birthday plans for her husband, for example. But something significant enough to cause distress, yes, I’d tell him because that’s how we process stress.

“I need to tell you something but you mustn’t tell DH” - stop there, I don’t need to know.

bold fail

Quiet, @sammylady37!
If I tell a mate something in confidence I'd except it to stay just that, not something to be shared with their partner or mum. If I wanted to tell their husband then I'd tell him myself!

The one circumstance where I’d tell my husband would be if the secret was more about him than the person who told it to me. So if it was something that he needed to act upon to protect his job or his family. I’d be upfront about it, though- I’d say I’m sorry but I can’t keep that from him.
People who betray someone’s trust because they need to offload are very self-indulgent, imo. What my friend told me hurt me and made me angry on her behalf. Would I have liked to work through it with someone? Yes, but that wasn’t as important as the trust. That’s the friendship bit- you take some of the burden on so your friend isn’t alone. It’s not always going to be easy and make you feel good.

I wonder if all the people who tell their DH 'everything' spill all their own secrets or just others? Does the need for complete transparency mean that they have absolutely no thoughts or feelings that aren't shared with their partner?

If so, tell him that jacket doesn't suit him, his little bald patch is growing and sex last night was shit.

@TealSapphire

I wonder if all the people who tell their DH 'everything' spill all their own secrets or just others? Does the need for complete transparency mean that they have absolutely no thoughts or feelings that aren't shared with their partner?

If so, tell him that jacket doesn't suit him, his little bald patch is growing and sex last night was shit.

Yep, share everything. If I thought his outfit was shit you’re damned right I’d tell him and I’d expect him to tell me too, the same as if he was gaining weight I’d mention it and expect the same courtesy off him.

I’d also tell him if the sex was shit but in nearly twenty years that’s never happened

We are one and the same. It might not work for others but it’s how we like it.

I would never tell dh anything that concerned anyone else, if they wanted him to know they would tell him.

It would never have occurred me to.

@TealSapphire why WOULDNT you tell your husband these things?!

Emily, it's OK if that works for you but do tell your friends that you feel that way, then you won't be put in an awkward position.

@Maggiesfarm

Emily, it's OK if that works for you but do tell your friends that you feel that way, then you won't be put in an awkward position.

I’m not in an awkward position.

We are one and the same. It might not work for others but it’s how we like it
That's fine. You do you. If you want a single entity relationship, so be it, but at least be honest and transparent about it.

Your friends have a right to know that when they share information with EmilyFrost, they're actually sharing everything with Emilyfrost's husband because Emilyfrost and her husband consider themselves a single entity.

The fact you seem to think it's your decision who hears your friends' confidences rather than them, and you have chosen to be dishonest to your friends suggests that you must know they'd change what they share with you if they knew anything said to you goes straight to your husband.