Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

No, I’d not tell them to ‘jog on’. I’d listen with them knowing that if he asked I’d outline to my husband why they were upset. Not necessarily gory or salacious details, but not hiding information either.

So you'd basically lie to them? You agree to keep it confidential but then blab to your partner?
Or do you not know what confidential means?

That's fucking appalling. I very rarely swear but I think that's disgusting behaviour.

You're not prepared to keep something to yourself because that's somehow lying to your husband (it isn't, by the way) but you'll lie to a friend and let her pour out her troubles to you because she trusts you, and then blab to him. You should be ashamed.

I'd hate to have a friendship with someone who couldn't keep our friendship chat private it's ridiculous.

A friend that you can't trust with your privacy, is not your friend.

I'm discovering that there are a few friends that I need to put in the 'close acquaintances' category.

@saraclara

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

No, I’d not tell them to ‘jog on’. I’d listen with them knowing that if he asked I’d outline to my husband why they were upset. Not necessarily gory or salacious details, but not hiding information either.

So you'd basically lie to them? You agree to keep it confidential but then blab to your partner?
Or do you not know what confidential means?

That's fucking appalling. I very rarely swear but I think that's disgusting behaviour.

You're not prepared to keep something to yourself because that's somehow lying to your husband (it isn't, by the way) but you'll lie to a friend and let her pour out her troubles to you because she trusts you, and then blab to him. You should be ashamed.

I completely agree.

So dishonourable and dishonest.

I wouldn’t tell my DH something a friend told me in confidence. He really wouldn’t be interested anyway to be honest.

saraclara
There's a huge amount of dishonesty from some posters when it comes to their friends.

Surely if they want to blab everything to their wonderful husbands because the idea of keeping secrets is so awful and they value honesty, they'd also afford the same honesty to their friends and allow their friends to decide what information they want to share.

The fact that so many posters don't tell their friends that friends' confidences are pillow talk with their husbands suggests they know their friends wouldn't be impressed, and that if their friends knew they'd probably stop sharing.

For people who make a huge deal about honesty and no secrets, they're sure dishonest when it comes to their friends.

For people who make a huge deal about honesty and no secrets, they're sure dishonest when it comes to their friends.

Yep, @LolaSmiles. I find it really despicable. I know people do this, but usually they'll say something to imply (not that I believe them) that they've not actually been formally asked to keep something confidential, and that their friends all know that husbands are included. So for @LemonRoses to actually admit, without shame, that she will agree to keep something confidential but then tell her husband anyway, is a whole new level of shamelessness.

@LemonRoses

I suppose say she was a bit worried about her relationship with her husband rather than give details or say she’s concerned about potential fidelity risk because he’s working very closely with a work colleague. He’d likely say, ‘Oh, woman’s talk’ and move on.

"Woman's talk"? Bleurgh.

In a marriage supposedly based on honesty, equality and openness (to the extent you disclose any and all deeply personal info) I find it odd you think your DH would 'likely' think of a friend's genuine worry that their their husband potentially cheating as 'woman's talk'. Pretty dismissive attitude to women there...

Each to their own.

I despair.
When did women become so fragile, they have to share friends' secrets with partners in case they're too distressed to survive ?
Oh, the secrets my friends and I have kept and lived.

If my friend is very upset, I feel upset. If I feel upset, it helps to talk about it to someone I trust with the info. It's very human. It's why psychology works. It isn't even gossip. If you don't find that helpful, hurrah, but it has nothing to do with fragility it's just humanity.

@Dweetfidilove

I despair. When did women become so fragile, they have to share friends' secrets with partners in case they're too distressed to survive ? Oh, the secrets my friends and I have kept and lived.

I'm so with you on that one!

I have kept the confidences of women over my lifetime that were NOT close friends, maybe colleagues, women that I have met through sports, book clubs etc.

When someone has asked me to keep a confidence I have respected that and never thought twice about it.

I just don't understand the need to break a confidence.

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!

It is the the characteristic of a flawed, weak, dim person.

I married a man of a similar nature to myself.

I feel nothing but distaste for those would break the confidence of anyone who placed their trust in them.

If someone told me something and says not to tell dh, I wouldn’t. Otherwise I tell him everything 😆 I assume that whatever I tell my friends, they tell their partners. Tbh I’d tell him something and it’d go in one ear and out the next anyway!!

@ThePlantsitter

If my friend is very upset, I feel upset. If I feel upset, it helps to talk about it to someone I trust with the info. It's very human. It's why psychology works. It isn't even gossip. If you don't find that helpful, hurrah, but it has nothing to do with fragility it's just humanity.

Humanity is about having empathy and respect for a friend in distress. And with both of those comes respecting their privacy.

If you can't deal with it and have to unload, at least have the decency to do so to someone who doesn't know the friend, never will, and to whom you don't identify the friend. And that's not going to be your partner.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@LemonRoses

I suppose say she was a bit worried about her relationship with her husband rather than give details or say she’s concerned about potential fidelity risk because he’s working very closely with a work colleague. He’d likely say, ‘Oh, woman’s talk’ and move on.

"Woman's talk"? Bleurgh.

In a marriage supposedly based on honesty, equality and openness (to the extent you disclose any and all deeply personal info) I find it odd you think your DH would 'likely' think of a friend's genuine worry that their their husband potentially cheating as 'woman's talk'. Pretty dismissive attitude to women there...

Each to their own. [/quote]
I am thinking FFS. It feels like people spoiling for a fight and seeing things that haven’t been said.

Absolutely no dishonesty. Exactly the opposite. My friends know and appreciate that I may share conversations with my husband, if he asked. I’m upfront about that. No dishonesty anywhere.

He probably wouldn’t use the term ‘women’s talk but would assume it was a conversation he didn’t need to be party to and no, he’s not dismissive of women in general.

Yes, each to their own. We like honesty in our relationship and feel acts of omission are as dishwashers acts of commission.

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!

Absolutely! Anyone telling me sometime else's confidence puts themselves on my 'not to be trusted' list.

When did women become so fragile, they have to share friends' secrets with partners in case they're too distressed to survive confused?

You’re clearly confused and confusing the need for honesty in a marriage with weakness or fragility. They are very different. It’s not about a need to share; it’s about a commitment to honesty and openness as part of our relationship. I’m many things, but fragile isn’t one of them.

As happens I too think breaching a confidence is entirely unacceptable. That is why there is always an explicit understanding about this; there is permission to share.

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!
It is the the characteristic of a flawed, weak, dim person.
I agree with you.

It amazes me at work how often I hear all sorts of things that have clearly been shared in confidence. In one workplace I kept myself to myself and the head of department asked for a meeting because they felt me having my lunch alone wasn't good for morale. I pointed out I had no desire to listen to oversharers and gossip so maybe the problem in the team was the gossip culture. It went down like a lead balloon.
Some people tie themselves in knots with gossip and justify it by saying "but Jane didn't explicit tell me not to mention her miscarriage to everyone".

@LemonRoses

He probably wouldn’t use the term ‘women’s talk but would assume it was a conversation he didn’t need to be party to and no, he’s not dismissive of women in general.

In fairness to me, you literally said:

he'd likely say, oh 'Woman's talk'

So a bit much to expect me to know you don't think it likely he'd say something like that at all... or insinuate I'm seeing things that haven't been said.

I saw it, it struck me as odd so I mentioned it. You've now responded and said your original thought isn't in fact what you think he would do on reflection at all!

I'm not spoiling for a fight at all, chill

I wish I'd worked with you @LolaSmiles! Pretty much the same happened to me. I ended up rarely going in the staffroom.

I had (and still have, despite now being retired) a complete embargo on having colleagues as FB friends. Even long term colleagues that I loved. Because my work place was so gossipy that I knew that people would show far too much interest in my life outside work, and the friends of friends thing would encourage it (and of course accepting some and not others would cause bad feeling). I'd been on the wrong end of gossip based on pure speculation already, so I had absolutely no intention of offering myself up for more.

I wouldn't dream of sharing anything my girl friends told me in confidence, I would presume if they wanted
My partner to know they would tell him.

@LolaSmiles

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number! It is the the characteristic of a flawed, weak, dim person. I agree with you.

It amazes me at work how often I hear all sorts of things that have clearly been shared in confidence. In one workplace I kept myself to myself and the head of department asked for a meeting because they felt me having my lunch alone wasn't good for morale. I pointed out I had no desire to listen to oversharers and gossip so maybe the problem in the team was the gossip culture. It went down like a lead balloon.
Some people tie themselves in knots with gossip and justify it by saying "but Jane didn't explicit tell me not to mention her miscarriage to everyone".

I quite agree, good for you for sticking up for what you believe in.

@LemonRoses

When did women become so fragile, they have to share friends' secrets with partners in case they're too distressed to survive confused?

You’re clearly confused and confusing the need for honesty in a marriage with weakness or fragility. They are very different. It’s not about a need to share; it’s about a commitment to honesty and openness as part of our relationship. I’m many things, but fragile isn’t one of them.

Funny that so many of us on this thread have strong marriages while not having to perform, as you apparently do, the utterly bizarre act of pre-warning your friends that they should tell you nothing confidential because not only are you incapable of not running to your husband with it, you actually pride yourself on not being able to keep a confidence.

@Wabe

Well said.

Super honourable husband here that I love to bits for over 30 years.

Lots of old friendships where we have confided so much.

My husband would be stunned to hear the clearly private business of my pals.

Look, on MN there are women who have massive self respect and behave accordingly.

I could no more pass on the private business of those that place their trust in me than I could eat my own arm.

I have wonderful dear friends and it would no more occur to me to share their private business.

I honour my friends.
I love the dearly.
I would no more share their private trauma, grief, sadness, or worries with others for gossip etc.

Those that do I avoid and to be totally honest if asked, I will say why.

I have an old story from 15 years ago at the side of a rugby pitch that I will post soon.

A corker🤣

Tell me something that you have heard in confidence and I so have your number!

Exactly!