Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

You would be if you couldn't keep to yourself something a friend told you in confidence, Emily; it's surely better that they don't.

YANBU

OP said it was a deeply personal conversation, if you need reminding a friends personal dilemma is not up for a pillow talk discussion you need to assess your boundaries.

This ^

If someone tells me anything in confidence, then it is not my information to share. That doesn't need to be spelled out specifically by the person, because, due to the fact I am an intelligent adult, it is obvious.
No-one should Have to tell you (remind you?) not to pass in deeply personal information to anyone else. It should just be obvious to any trustworthy adult.

@emilyfrost

It’s never come up. They’ve never asked me if I tell him and I don’t need to give a disclaimer of “oh by the way, I tell DH everything” because as I say, it’s not their business what we talk about.

But it IS, literally, their business that you're talking about. You're talking about something that they told you in confidence. How could it NOT be their business?

Seriously, this is one of the most shocking posts I've seen on mumsnet. I find it hard to get my head round someone being so appallingly arrogant and dishonest.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]**@emilyfrost* @LindaEllen* @LemonRoses but WHY? Do you think your husband should be as interested and invested in every detail of your friends lives as you are? Is it that there's trust issues? That you're basically one person so if you know anything he doesn't it with fracture the bond set by marriage??[/quote]
I’m pretty sure I said he wouldn’t necessarily be interested except that most of our friends are mutual. It doesn’t matter whether he’s interested or not, I wouldn’t keep something from him. I might not bother to tell him something unless he asked, but if he asked I’d share.

I’d always ensure my friends understood that. Similarly, they’d feel much the same and it rarely needs stating. Friends do, of course, share personal information. They do that knowing we might share with our spouse. They have a choice then.

People need to realise that emilyfrost is a wind up. She is very good at it and can be very funny.

OP I’m completely with you. General chat and concerns I think can be shared with spouses. But not anything really sensitive, like medical or family stuff. I had a long conversation with my bestie yesterday about an intimate medical issue post-childbirth. I would be mortified if she told her husband :-(

@TealSapphire

I wonder if all the people who tell their DH 'everything' spill all their own secrets or just others? Does the need for complete transparency mean that they have absolutely no thoughts or feelings that aren't shared with their partner?

If so, tell him that jacket doesn't suit him, his little bald patch is growing and sex last night was shit.

Life’s too short to have secrets from your spouse - it just complicates things. Life is better without trying to hide anything except birthday presents.

Would definitely comment on a dodgy jacket, so he could ask his tailor to alter it. He has thick curls and is unlikely to develop a bald patch any time soon. We watched Gogglebox last night; it was funny.

You would have the expectation of non blabbing of a priest, your lawyer or your therapist. You made an assumption and it turned out to be incorrect. Some people are a ‘tell your spouse everything’ kind of people, unfortunately you found that out after your disclosure.

Now you know, this person isn’t the type of friend to keep their gob shut.

The thing about secrets, as soon as someone else knows about them, they are no longer secrets.

rainyskylight if that's the case, well played.

It's still sad that what she's saying echoes other posters on the thread who do exactly the things she's outlined.

@VettiyaIruken

"Keeping it" from your partner implies that it is information that they have a right to have.

Except they don't have a right to other people's personal information just because their partner was entrusted with it.

Well put.

I wonder how these people who need to repeat everything they hear anywhere to their dh manage when they come across confidential information at work ? Do you share that too ?

We are one and the same. It might not work for others but it’s how we like it.

Did you read that out a Christmas cracker? What a load of twee shit as an excuse for being a little gossip and a terrible friend.

I would never tell dh something about a friend that was confided to me in confidence and my dh would expect me not to tell him either as he totally respects others privacy. It is not about keeping secrets from your partner it is about each of you respecting each others relationships with people outside of your marriage.

I don't tell my husband everything everyone confides in me.

He wouldn't be interested in most of it and he is not one to gossip or discuss other people's personal lives. He is pretty against doing so.

If a friend was going through a really difficult time and it was worrying me and I needed to support them through it then I may tell him so I can get some support and have someone to offload onto.

We are not 'one and the same'. That just sounds very needy, controlling, and quite vomit inducing really.

LemonRoses, if your partner is more important than your friends, then why have deep friendships at all. Why not keep friend conversations on a superficial level. You should tell your friends that you tell dh all. They can decide what to tell you then. This is only fair. It is unfair to listen to personal things said in confidence and then pass the information on, even to a partner.

Do all the people telling dh, ever say anything in confidence to their friends? Would they be hapoy with a friend telling dh all?

For this reason nearly all my friendships have got superficial as I got older,friends-got partners. I have a partner too but I an mature enough not to blab everything to them.

@user1471554720

LemonRoses, if your partner is more important than your friends, then why have deep friendships at all. Why not keep friend conversations on a superficial level. You should tell your friends that you tell dh all. They can decide what to tell you then. This is only fair. It is unfair to listen to personal things said in confidence and then pass the information on, even to a partner.

Do all the people telling dh, ever say anything in confidence to their friends? Would they be hapoy with a friend telling dh all?

For this reason nearly all my friendships have got superficial as I got older,friends-got partners. I have a partner too but I an mature enough not to blab everything to them.

Of course, as I’ve said all along, my friends are very aware I don’t hold secrets from my husband and they choose what they share on that basis. That doesn’t mean I rush in and say, “ You’ll never guess what.....” It means if asked whether Jane was OK because she seemed upset or cross, I’d explain. I don’t accept information in confidence. I listen on the basis that I might share with my husband. If I shared things with friends it would be in the knowledge they might talk to their husband. Usually though, if I wanted something kept private, I’d only discuss it with my husband. I don’t think it’s about maturity. In fact, I know it’s not. It’s about knowing and understanding boundaries and ensuring clarity and consent. It’s not about ‘blabbing’ it’s about a lifelong commitment and ‘no secrets’ approach to all relationships.

I don’t accept information in confidence. I listen on the basis that I might share with my husband.

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

You are right it's not about maturity, it is about integrity, compassion and having the capacity to care for others beyond a needy, controlled marriage bubble.

I met my DH through a friend and in the early days of the relationship she would preface nearly everything she said to me with "don't tell Mr M0rt". I was never in any danger of telling him anything but the most superficial information but I understand her need for clarity on her privacy.
She doesn't say it anymore because she doesn't need to.
On the other hand a different friend told me she was pregnant in confidence so I said nothing to DH.
Unfortunately she misscarried and was surprised my DH said nothing to her about it when they next met.
I had to explain I had taken "in confidence" to mean tell absolutely no-one.
It did make me reevaluate what I told her "in confidence" as she clearly believed a DH would be excluded from that.
Something like what you disclosed I would keep private unless I was worried about an immediate threat to your life/health. Then I might discuss with my DH for advice.
But would expect him to not make it obvious he knew when around you.

I think if you clearly state you don't want to share it and they do, that's wrong but if you haven't stated you don't want their partner knowing yabu

@WeAllHaveWings

I don’t accept information in confidence. I listen on the basis that I might share with my husband.

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

You are right it's not about maturity, it is about integrity, compassion and having the capacity to care for others beyond a needy, controlled marriage bubble.

I’ve never been in that situation, to be honest because most of our friends feel similarly. We believe that our marriages are our primary relationship.

No, I’d not tell them to ‘jog on’. I’d listen with them knowing that if he asked I’d outline to my husband why they were upset. Not necessarily gory or salacious details, but not hiding information either.

If my friend was upset her husband had cheated, it would likely be my husband’s friend who had done the cheating. That’s never happened, but if it did my husband would distance himself from a cheating person. If it was kept secret my husband would be placed in an invidious position.

It’s certainly not about integrity. Do you even know the meaning of the word? ‘ The state of being whole and undivided’ - so rather pertinent and supportive of a marriage without divide. The alternative definition is about honesty. My friends would all be aware of our commitments to each other. They would entirely understand that without honesty, there can be no faithfulness.

Not sure where compassion comes into it either or capacity to care for others. One can be honest and compassionate. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’d extrapolate the example of a cheating husband. How compassionate is it to allow your husband to continue to socialise and play tennis with the man that has hurt your friend because he is unaware of the situation? How can you respond compassionately and supportively as a couple of one thinks nothing is wrong? Just so you don’t pick another petty point to debate, by ‘allow’ I mean enabling him to make an informed decision about his response to one half of our friendship.

That’s just emotional twaddle you’re spouting to be unpleasant. Are you from the Coven or just looking for a chance to pick a fight?

YANBU op. If my friend confided in me I wouldn't (and haven't) told my partner.

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I felt the need to tell my DP everything in my life.

@LemonRoses

WeAllHaveWings
I don’t accept information in confidence. I listen on the basis that I might share with my husband.

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

I’ve never been in that situation, to be honest because most of our friends feel similarly. We believe that our marriages are our primary relationship.

No, I’d not tell them to ‘jog on’. I’d listen with them knowing that if he asked I’d outline to my husband why they were upset. Not necessarily gory or salacious details, but not hiding information either.

If my friend was upset her husband had cheated, it would likely be my husband’s friend who had done the cheating. That’s never happened, but if it did my husband would distance himself from a cheating person. If it was kept secret my husband would be placed in an invidious position.

...

Not sure where compassion comes into it either or capacity to care for others. One can be honest and compassionate. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’d extrapolate the example of a cheating husband. How compassionate is it to allow your husband to continue to socialise and play tennis with the man that has hurt your friend because he is unaware of the situation? How can you respond compassionately and supportively as a couple of one thinks nothing is wrong?

Sorry to do a “what if?” but what if your friend only suspected her husband of cheating and therefore didn’t want your husband to behave differently around him?

@JosephineBaker

And it wouldn’t be possible to talk about the rest of your day, including the fact that you’d seen Friend X, without disclosing her private or sensitive information to your husband? *@CalaminePink*, if it were something serious, no, because I would be worried and/or upset. Minor things that aren’t distressing, nice things, that’s no problem. I know my friend m’s surprise birthday plans for her husband, for example. But something significant enough to cause distress, yes, I’d tell him because that’s how we process stress.

“I need to tell you something but you mustn’t tell DH” - stop there, I don’t need to know.

It’s not about your need to know, it’s about your friend’s need to talk.

If the scenario was that a friend asked to meet for coffee and was upset about something they wanted to keep between the two of you, would you honestly be able to stop them mid-flow and change the subject?

“But I need to talk to someone.”
“Tough tits friend, ain’t gonna be me. Chilly isn’t it?”

[quote CalishataFolkart]@LemonRoses

WeAllHaveWings
I don’t accept information in confidence. I listen on the basis that I might share with my husband.

So if a close friend came to you, and desperately needed to talk something through but asked you to keep it confidential as it was very personal to them, you'd tell them to jog on?

I’ve never been in that situation, to be honest because most of our friends feel similarly. We believe that our marriages are our primary relationship.

No, I’d not tell them to ‘jog on’. I’d listen with them knowing that if he asked I’d outline to my husband why they were upset. Not necessarily gory or salacious details, but not hiding information either.

If my friend was upset her husband had cheated, it would likely be my husband’s friend who had done the cheating. That’s never happened, but if it did my husband would distance himself from a cheating person. If it was kept secret my husband would be placed in an invidious position.

...

Not sure where compassion comes into it either or capacity to care for others. One can be honest and compassionate. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’d extrapolate the example of a cheating husband. How compassionate is it to allow your husband to continue to socialise and play tennis with the man that has hurt your friend because he is unaware of the situation? How can you respond compassionately and supportively as a couple of one thinks nothing is wrong?

Sorry to do a “what if?” but what if your friend only suspected her husband of cheating and therefore didn’t want your husband to behave differently around him?[/quote]
The what if isn’t something I’ve come across and I cannot predict every reaction in every situation. The same rule applies though - not that I’d rush to share gossip, but that they’d share knowing I wouldn’t lie, if asked by my husband. I might, I suppose say she was a bit worried about her relationship with her husband rather than give details or say she’s concerned about potential fidelity risk because he’s working very closely with a work colleague. He’d likely say, ‘Oh, woman’s talk’ and move on. If However it was clear there had been infidelity, we’d move away from her husband to support her. It feels fairly obvious.

Real life example of a friends wife who admitted to being a bit scared of her husband when he was cross, but didn’t want to destroy their family lifestyle. I said before she went to far that I’d need to mention it to my husband because it then allowed me to offer an unconditional open door to her and the children, if she ever needed somewhere safe to go. It also meant we could decide to support her financially, should that ever become a reality. She agreed. Husband and I decided we’d continue to involve them in social events and meet as couples but my husband would limit one to one contact with her husband. It means should she ever turn up when I’m not here, she’d have no need to explain and would be given a brandy and a spare room. That feels better than not sharing. It was a few years ago and she knows the offer still stands but it’s never been mentioned in specific terms again, although I check in with indirect questions.

@Thislittlefinger123

I tell my DH everything, he's my best friend and we just naturally share things. I assumed that's what everyone is like.

That being said no friend has ever specifically asked me not to tell DH something, if they did then I'd respect that of course.

He’s not your friends BF though. Maybe your friends haven’t said because they didn’t realise you were just going to share?!

I don’t mind if some of my friends share stuff - some of their husbands I’m close to as well. However, it’s a bit depressing as a single woman knowing if I confide in a friend something personal, a man who I might not be close to will know my personal information as well. Please make it clear to friends what you will do with that information, to allow them the choice over where that information goes.

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I felt the need to tell my DP everything in my life
Me neither, but it seems to give some people confirmation that them and DH are best friends for life.

I file blabbing your friends' confidence because "nobody explicitly said my wonderful husband wasn't to be told and I just love him so much that I could never keep any secrets from him" in the same box as:
"Of course I tell DH any time a male friend messages me and he also discloses any messages from a female friend, but obviously only opposite sex friendships are allowed who are long term friends because we are so in love we have no reason to ever speak to someone of the opposite sex again"
And
"DH and I know all each others passwords for social media and regularly check each others phone. Neither of us mind because we are such a loving and trusting relationship" (insert head tilt and patronising smile here).
And
"I wouldn't dream of going to any mixed sex social gathering that DH wasn't invited to. We always go places together and if our friends don't include us then they aren't friends we want in our life. Where one goes, the other goes because it's so disrespectful to expect adults to do anything without their spouse. Going somewhere without my husband is like someone asking me to amputate a limb and only leave the house with half our combined brain". (OK, I'm being silly here but you get the idea)

It makes some people feel very loved and secure, which is great for them, but it doesn't come across as independently functioning adults in a trusting relationship.

I think your partner can still be the main relationship in your life without having to feel that by having other relationships, and not divulging every detail of those relationships that you are betraying DP.

We all deserve and need that don't we? It seems controlling and weird not to. Kind of co-dependant.

I encourage my kids to develop and maintain relationships with grandparents, cousins and friends without needing to know every minute detail. They're more independent than some adults it seems!