Is it ever reasonable to expect friends to keep things from partners?

[ghostsliveinmyhouse]

I'm not talking about things like affairs or emotional cheating.

I mean things like, if you confide in a close friend about having a mental health issue, or about something traumatic that happened in your past. If it reasonable to not want that friend to tell anyone else, including their partner?

I know people shouldn't keep things from their partner (obviously) but should that still be the case if it's something personal about someone else.

I've recently confided in a friend as I was having a very hard time - they pushed me to open up and I felt at breaking point so it was a relief to let it out finally. But I've now found out they've told their other half about it and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't like to think I'm a topic of discussion among other people.

AIBU?

[LolaSmiles]

YANBU at all. I hate the fact people seem to confuse being in a romantic relationship with another person with being a single entity.

On most things other than day to day news, my default assumption is that what friends say to me stays with me. They chose to tell me, not my husband.

I also don't believe for one minute that the women who spill everything to their husbands are getting to hear everything their husband's friends discuss.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Surely it depends what it is. Context is everything.

[paralysedbyinertia]

YANBU. I wouldn't tell my DH personal stuff about my friends. It's disrespectful to them and it's none of his business.

Tbh, my DH is not the type to be interested in gossip anyway. Not his style.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

Totally reasonable to expect this. I've met people who'd see it as an actual betrayal in their OH didn't tell them a friend's secret.

I never understood the caveat of spilling a friend's deepest secrets because you happen to be in a relationship. When I was married my friend's secrets stayed just that.

[ViciousJackdaw]

No issues with keeping quiet here. If you have asked me to keep my gob shut then I will. It wouldn't actually be any of my DH's business and quite frankly, if it's not about Leeds United or joinery, he's not interested.

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

I also don't think that people should have to specify to their mates "don't tell your OH". Isn't that just a given?

[Pinkyavocado]

Yanbu - if a friend told me not to tell my husband I wouldn’t. If my husbands friends told him something in confide I would expect him to keep their confidence.

Thus weird thing that we need to share everything with our spouses is ridiculous.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Surely it depends what it is. Context is everything.
OP said it was a deeply personal conversation, if you need reminding a friends personal dilemma is not up for a pillow talk discussion you need to assess your boundaries.
Yanbu.

[Cloisters]

I wouldn’t dream of sharing anyone else’s private information with DH, and I’d equally expect him to respect other people’s confidence.

[soapboxqueen]

This is one of those topics that is revisited often on mumsnet with people being very intrenched on both sides.

Top and bottom of it is, you need to find out which group you're friends are in before you spill the beans.

Similarly, when your friend says 'I'm going to tell you something, don't tell anyone' if you are in the 'I tell my dp everything group' check they mean actually nobody or dp's don't count.

Only takes a second to do and helps set the parameters going forward.

[SympathyFatigue]

I think if you say at the start you dont want it disclosed then they can choose.
I find it a bit wet to say everything needs to be disclosed to a partner, inhace friends with medical issues and various mental health situations and while I might say 'Brenda is having a tough time and needs support.' I'd not be disclosing the personal details. That's not fair to them. Plus my DH wouldn't want to know.

Sane as people who read each other's texts... I'm texting you Mary, not your sodding husband about my gastro.

[AmberItsACertainty]

A secret isn't a secret any more if you tell someone. People rarely keep it to themselves

[Maggiesfarm]

My belief is that if you tell someone anything in confidence, it should be kept confidential. I don't believe in 'pillow talk' and, frankly, most husbands/male partners would not want to know the ins and outs of someone else's business, especially not that of wife's friend.

[TealSapphire]

Definitely reasonable to expect, but most times the other person will spill. People just love gossip and having the 'scoop' reveal. Generally the less they have going on in their own lives the more they focus on others.

I'm a vault and will take things to my grave. As a functioning adult I can process and sit with others secrets.

[VettiyaIruken]

Yanbu.
If someone chooses to tell me their personal information, that does not give me the right to share that info with anyone. (Obv exception for immediate danger)

Over the years, I have been told things by various people. I haven't shared any of it with my husband. If they wanted him to know, they would have told him.

[redcarbluecar]

If I shared a confidence with a friend and asked them not to tell anyone, that would obviously include their partner, who counts as ‘other people’. I think I’d explicitly ask them not to tell that person thought rather than assuming it was understood. Depending on the nature of the confidence I’d also think about whether, for the person I’d offloaded to, it might help them to have someone else to discuss it with.

[Everyday21]

I used to tell my DH most things but more recently dont. I realised he didnt ever really have helpful input. Although a friend was recently going through a horrendous time, she asked me not to tell anyone but I told dh some of the details as I was really worried friend might hurt herself and my stress levels were really high through worrying. He wouldnt repeat it though.

[whiteroseredrose]

My default position would be NOT to tell DH anything about a friend's secrets. And I don't think that I should have to be told to button my lip, it should be a given.

[InTheNightWeWillWish]

I think it does depend on the context.

If my friend is suffering with her mental health, maybe been prescribed antidepressants or starting counselling, I’m not going to mention it to DH. If he asks how BF is, I might respond with she’s not great at the moment but keep it vague and DH will respect that.

If my BF isn’t taking her meds, if she’s been diagnosed as bipolar and is in a manic state or she’s telling me she’s suicidal, then I’m going to tell DH everything. Then I’m not carrying that burden alone and he can support me in getting help for my friend.

I may also tell DH if I need to use him as a sounding board. Either with a problem BF has or if she’s done something that is difficult to support.

[Dozer]

Keeping friends’ confidence should be a given, with no need to seek a friend’s explicit agreement not to share personal information with their partner.

Discussing others’ business with one’s partner is simple gossip, with similar pros/cons to other gossiping.

With a few exceptions, eg something very serious - friend might be upset and need support. In such cases would expect a decent partner / friend to say nothing to anyone about knowing.

A friend often tells her husband stuff that I and other friends have said about our situations, eg work problems, or partner. Her husband then interferes, eg makes comments about it to the friends/men concerned! I THINK they think they ‘know the answers’ and can help and/or that gossiping means they’re ‘close’. I just don’t tell her stuff!

[QuadBod]

I'm another one who tells my DH everything because he's my best friend, though I know nothing goes any further. However, I wouldn't push a friend to open up, so anything I am told is freely volunteered. The only way to get guaranteed confidentiality is to talk to a professional. That's why the whole "talk about your mental health to anyone who will listen" zeitgeist is disingenuous.

[Chocolateandamaretto]

In your scenario op, if I had asked my friend not to tell anyone the. Yes, I would expect that to mean their partner as well and I would be upset. If I hadn’t specified then it would be fine to.

My husband told me when our friends marriage was having a rocky patch after the husband had confided in him, mainly to say the wife might want to talk to me! We do tend to tell each other stuff but equally I think some of his friends know quite a lot about me that I wouldn’t necessarily tell them myself. As long as you’re transparent when something can’t be shared then I think it’s fine.

[Dozer]

Gossiping with friends/partners doesn’t suggest a better friendship/relationship. Just that we gossip with them a lot!

[Sleepingdogs12]

I wouldn't expect partners to keep things from each other, I would therefore choose who I told with this in mind. There are some things I might not tell my partner but thats different from being expected to keep secrets/confidences in a partnership.

[Dozer]

Not discussing some aspects of others’ business isn’t ‘keeping things from’ a partner, or indeed anyone else.