AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

[LadyWhistledownsQuill]

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

Does she have an earring disorder? It might be to do with calorie allowance or safe foods

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Then you just say no to giving details, surely? Much better than not telling them, letting them go to all the trouble of catering for you and then turning your nose up at what they've made.

Why take it so personally?

They're not "turning their nose up" they're just taking food they enjoy eating. I really don't understand why so many people care so much - why does it actually matter?

It's just massively outside the social norm. The convention is that the host provides food (subtext: because they want to show their guests that they care for their well-being) and the guests eat it (subtext: to show that they accept and appreciate the host's display of caring). You can argue til you're blue in the face about what should be the case, but this is the general social norm. To break it without even acknowledging it is weird. Again, I don't think it's unspeakably rude, but it is a bit off.

The Tupperware crew might not want to mention it because they don't want to be badgered for details but it's SO odd and conspicuous that they're not magically flying under the radar by not saying anything. I might ask them about it if it kept happening to me. Not in a "yell it across a crowded room and keep following them til I get an answer" way, but I might send a text afterwards saying, "Hi, I noticed you brought your own food today. I didn't realise you'd be doing that. I wonder if there's anything particular I could provide next time that you'd be able to eat?" So they can reply with as much detail or lack thereof but at least we've mutually acknowledged that they've broken the social convention and it gives them an opportunity to restore it by saying, "Thanks so much, but it's pretty complicated so better not to get into it. It was so great to see you, though, thanks for hosting!" and reaffirm their part of the reciprocal social dance of hosting and attending. If they didn't, then I would start to assume they didn't like me or were rude.

I think there must be a reason for this, whether physical health or mental health or a combination of the two. I doubt that they're deliberately insulting you or your cooking.

While I never did this, in my childhood and beyond I had digestive problems that made me unable to eat quite a few things without getting really ill. Eventually this was diagnosed as Crohn's disease; but for a long time many people thought that I was just a rude and fussy eater - even though I never asked for special food but just permission not to eat everything. For many years, I avoided visiting people at any time when there could conceivably be a meal, and it certainly affected my confidence. Therefore I would strongly recommend giving these people the benefit of the doubt.

It would be more considerate of them to give you their reason. However, there can be a dilemma there: it's quite likely that the reason is somewhat complicated and would take some time to explain. This could lead to their appearing to 'go on about it' and seem 'attention seeking'. Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

If this is creating too many problems for you and your family, then perhaps you could invite this family just for coffee or tea, and not at mealtimes.

But the OP should not be attacked for using paper plates. Especially as, if this is in England at this time, they're probably having the meal outdoors.

Some people are just rude fuckers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t accept invitations for food, then bring your own.

@sunflowersandbuttercups, are you the OP's cousin?

I couldn't take this personally, why would you? I'd snigger inwardly maybe.
My DC are quiet quirky I'm always in the as long as no ones hurt what is the harm, if it gives me less work, even better.

What I don't understand is, if they have been doing this for years, and you are close enough to have chatted about the dodgy knee and dodgy kidney, then why haven't you ever asked them to explain the food in tupperware situation ?

We can all speculate all we like about what their anxiety is about and whether there is any logical basis for it, but we'd all only be guessing.

People have quirks. There’s always something you’ll find you think is funny about someone. Yes this is an unusual one but doesn’t sound like they’re actually putting you out. It could be food intolerances. Could be germs. But if four of them just eat out of Tupperware at your house as if it’s completely normal, chances are it is for them! So not personal. I’m not fussy but I do have a friend who I would rather not take food from. She’s lovely but kitchen hygiene not a strong point. You said the dog in a kitchen thing is weird. I don’t. My friend thinks letting her pets on the worktop and eat off plates and forks etc is fine. I don’t. So I don’t eat there. Still my friend. Food isn’t important.

I have seen this behaviour in a family member who has a severe eating disorder. It is the only way that she will go & eat at anyone else's house - family and friends - so enables her to socialise knowing that she doesn't have to spend the evening worrying about what she is eating.
If someone turned up with a Tupperware box of their dinner, I wouldn't dream of querying it - they have their personal reasons for doing so.
I don't see it as a slight on my cooking or hosting skills.
Please don't take offence or make a big thing about it as it will be highlighting an already stressful situation for them.

I would put it down as a quirk if they are people that you repeatedly invite.
I have odd family members who smother everything in Tommy K. It irritates me beyond reason to see a beautifully cooked roast dinner treated in that way so its shepherds pie when they come. But its just a quirk of theirs.

Eating disorder?
Does have dietary requirements but doesn't want to tell you?
Bodybuilder??

I don’t take my own food to social occasions, but really wish I was brave enough to do this as I find eating at other people’s houses hugely stressful. I will literally worry myself sick for days, if not weeks beforehand and feel just as stressed at restaurants etc. I would assume the issue was a personal one rather than one directed at the host.
In my case, I am autistic and have many sensory issues around food.... wouldn’t be immediately obvious to anyone except very close friends and family so I’m aware many people would just view me as a picky eater. If there is something that is texturally wrong or unfamiliar to me I cannot just eat it to be polite, it is impossible for me to do.
I do try my best out of politeness, and luckily my in-laws know my food preferences quite well and meals tend to be help yourself which suits me perfectly, but I still get really anxious about not knowing what I will be served. Ideally I want a menu to peruse, and amend, weeks before, but obviously I know this would be very rude and would never dream of asking such a thing. This past year has been a relief for me as I’ve realised exactly how stressful it is for me to not be fully in control of my eating.
In the past, I have also had an eating disorder/ been on various diets, so would have preferred full control over my food then too. I also try to svoid eating anything (even prepared shop bought stuff) at a certain family member’s house because their house is shockingly dirty and messy and it grosses me out tbh.

It’s odd but it sounds like they’ve got psychological issues. In this situation making an issue of it is likely to result in them feeling too uncomfortable to come. So I think it’s best to just gloss over it.

Lots of people have narrow diets for a myriad of reasons. Maybe they have crohns, IBD, ulcerative colitis, eating disorder, allergies, OCD etc etc. They may also feel uncomfortable discussing the reasons. What on earth difference does it really make whether they bring their own food or not? I guarantee you they feel much worse about having to supply their own food than you do about them bringing it.

Oh god I'd love this. I get so stressed catering for others and worry they don't like the food.

It's weird but likely due to some sort of anxiety related issue
So it's not rude

Why haven't you asked them!?! Get a child to do it if you're too embarrassed

“Auntie Laura Mummy wants to know why you’re bringing a packed lunch. Don’t you like her food?”

I agree with you it's weird and non sensical. As you've said it doesn't really make sense if it's for all of them.

But as others said it probably just doesn't justify getting worked up over!

We take food everywhere for Ds. He has ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). He also has autism and learning difficulties. Autism and ARFID can go hand in hand, but don’t always.

I wouldn’t be able to add items to your food order so that he could eat with the group. This is because he will only eat item A from shop B, so, for example, if you were doing a Sainsbury’s order, I couldn’t add bits on. But I might be able to if you were doing an M&S order.

But if I was only in touch with you twice a year, I would just say that I’d bring my own things for him, as I would be trying to make it easier for you, as a host, and for him, as he would know that the things he was being served are ‘safe’ to eat, and then he would actually eat.

Some people with ARFID can only eat off certain plates or dishes (sometimes it’s a familiarity thing, other times it’s a colour or size or something like that), which may be why you’ve heard comments in the past.

Just a thought. And absolutely yea to once you start explaining about food issues or disabilities, the questions just keep coming. I am quite open about it, but that means I feel that I am always answering questions and educating others, when really sometimes I just want to sit down and enjoy the company and forget about it all and not feel that we are putting anyone out, but trying to get on with life in as ‘normal’ a way as possible.

I would assume there was some necessity for them - autism or something - and just leave it be. If you enjoy their company just go with it.

There's no autism, and I cannot possibly believe that all 4 of them have ARFID or an eating disorder

There's no autism, and I cannot possibly believe that all 4 of them have ARFID or an eating disorder
Then ask them op and like other's said it's not something to get worked up over

Can you define please?

I once made a pie to take to a family gathering, that needed to be popped in the oven - it's always cold food (salad etc), no actual bbq, and my MIL was fuming.

It was just a chicken leek filo topped pie and it caused serious

I was so upset as I went to so much effort and thought it was being helpful. Both my BIL and SILS brought home made salads and someone a soup. I'm still upset about it to this day.

She kept it and had it for dinner for her and her fiends the next day. Didn't even say thank you. Never brought anything again!

I can see why you think it’s rude. But I’d assume one of them has a mental health condition, and simply say nothing and accept it.we all know it’s abnormal, so just let it go.