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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
Jackparlabane · 23/04/2021 16:22

Weird, sure, but not rude - it's very carefully not imposing on you!

A friend's wife does this - she is autistic with a limited diet and her parents used to 'hide' foods she couldn't tolerate in other food and lie about it, so she can't deal with any food she hasn't prepared herself.

Friend mentioned this and obviously I told her wife would be perfectly welcome any time and there's a huge supermarket a minute away if she wants to buy stuff or I could pick up something, and she can cook on one job if she wants.

Lovely woman, but she let on a couple years later that mine was almost the only household that had ever made her feel welcome - the other being the one she married into.

The people saying people like her should decline the invitation and stay home are the rude ones.

PerspicaciousGreen · 23/04/2021 16:25

@sunflowersandbuttercups Why should someone have to explain their medical/eating problems to others? It's far more "weird and rude" to demand guests eat your food, tbh.

I do think it's weird and a bit rude not to mention it to the hosts. No need to go into any detail, just a quick text: "Having problems with some food at the moment, so we'll bring our own to make things easier. Looking forward to seeing you!" And then the host can politely say, "OK, thanks for letting me know!" and the weirdness bubble has been popped.

I've known people to bring their own food to things before for allergy reasons or someone who kept strictly kosher (had two ovens, two sets of crockery etc in her house). It's not that that's weird in and of itself, they obviously have a reason, it's the not mentioning it that I find a bit off.

Anyway, it wouldn't keep me up at night but it is a bit rude to do what they've done.

Witchinthewardrobe · 23/04/2021 16:27

They probably have some sort of anxiety about food. Be kind.

ContinuousMonotoneBeep · 23/04/2021 16:32

@IbrahimaRedTwo

It's an action that's one so far outside of standard social protocol that it's considered rude, weird etc

To you, maybe. You seem to be very much in the minority here though, most of the rest of us are perfectly understanding.

Very good.

Easily misunderstood action - almost like half quoting someone so you can make out you're so much better, eh?

sillysmiles · 23/04/2021 16:50

I think it is rude to repeatedly do this, without offering the hosts an explanation - because then it does look like they have an issue with the hosts.

kowari · 23/04/2021 16:56

No one would do this without a good reason. They may need to with most hosts, or just with specific hosts. Could be an ED or OCD type issue, or specific health needs. If you enjoy their company then that's what's important, not what they eat.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 17:02

I do think it's weird and a bit rude not to mention it to the hosts. No need to go into any detail, just a quick text: "Having problems with some food at the moment, so we'll bring our own to make things easier. Looking forward to seeing you!" And then the host can politely say, "OK, thanks for letting me know!" and the weirdness bubble has been popped.

But it very rarely ends with "thanks for letting me know". People want to know the details and that's where it gets awkward and uncomfortable.

WingingItSince1973 · 23/04/2021 17:14

I wouldn't be offended as my teen dd hates eating anywhere other than people she really trusts. She has severe anxiety. If it's only once or twice a year you see them just enjoy their company and don't worry about the food situation x

SnuggyBuggy · 23/04/2021 17:14

In a lot of cultures the preparation of food for others is an act of love and eating together is a very normal way for humans to bond. It can be expecting a lot for a host to just shrug off a guest eating their own food without any sort of explanation.

FeelinHappy · 23/04/2021 17:22

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I do think it's weird and a bit rude not to mention it to the hosts. No need to go into any detail, just a quick text: "Having problems with some food at the moment, so we'll bring our own to make things easier. Looking forward to seeing you!" And then the host can politely say, "OK, thanks for letting me know!" and the weirdness bubble has been popped.

But it very rarely ends with "thanks for letting me know". People want to know the details and that's where it gets awkward and uncomfortable.

Then you just say no to giving details, surely? Much better than not telling them, letting them go to all the trouble of catering for you and then turning your nose up at what they've made.
MrsTophamHat · 23/04/2021 17:26

I would consider it rude not to gove any sort if explanation.

We've got some issues involving food that we'd rather not go into as they're personal, but we would hate for you to think that this was any kind of detrimental statement about your generous hospitality, which we always enjoy.

CovidCorvid · 23/04/2021 17:26

My sil did this once. They’d been invited for lunch and turned up with a bagged up chilli which they expected everyone to have. No mention of this beforehand. I’d bought food, cooked, etc. Went to waste. I can only guess SIL thinks I’m a shit cook. 🤷‍♀️

flippertygibbit · 23/04/2021 17:32

I wouldn't mind, but I couldn't not speak to them about it. I would take them aside, acknowledge it, tell them it was fine but to offer my support if there were any issues I could help with.

WouldBeGood · 23/04/2021 17:34

It’s really weird and rude.

YANBU

IrmaFayLear · 23/04/2021 17:38

If a child/teen has food issues, then everyone should just ignore them, but adults turning up with their own food should give a quick explanation. No gory details necessary, just one sentence will suffice.

I think most of us agree that if it is a small gathering it would be horrendously rude to not warn your host that you won’t be partaking. But, as mentioned before, far far better the self-caterer than the fussy bugger who expects you on the spot to provide a very particular menu or turns their nose up at what’s on offer.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2021 17:54

I'd just have to ask them their reasons. 'So Edna; why do you always bring your own food to these gatherings?' then stand waiting expectantly.

MasterBeth · 23/04/2021 18:01

It’s so weird and unusual that it’s obviously something significant enough to them in order for them to break normal social codes to do it.

In that case, it would be rude for you to do anything other than offer them whatever they need to help them eat this food - plates, cutlery, sides etc - without forcing your own food on them.

I wouldn’t take it personally. It very much sounds like their burden, not yours.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 18:04

@WhereYouLeftIt

I'd just have to ask them their reasons. 'So Edna; why do you always bring your own food to these gatherings?' then stand waiting expectantly.
How incredibly rude.

Why would you demand someone share their health or dietary concerns with you like that?

Standrewsschool · 23/04/2021 18:06

I would find it weird and rude, unless an explanation was given.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 18:07

Then you just say no to giving details, surely? Much better than not telling them, letting them go to all the trouble of catering for you and then turning your nose up at what they've made.

Why take it so personally?

They're not "turning their nose up" they're just taking food they enjoy eating. I really don't understand why so many people care so much - why does it actually matter?

OwlBeThere · 23/04/2021 18:07

My son brings his own food everywhere. He has ARFID and it’s the only way he can eat. I don’t see why you care beyond thinking ‘huh, odd’ abs that’s it.

GintyMcGinty · 23/04/2021 18:13

I have a relative that not only does this but when coming to stay brings her own shopping and fills up my fridge with her food.

Its very rude. But then she is pretty rude and inconsiderate about most things so par for the course.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 23/04/2021 18:16

Why haven't you asked them!?!

Get a child to do it if you're too embarrassed

BingBunnyIsAnnoying · 23/04/2021 18:23

I have a friend that turned up to a bbq many years ago with a meal for one

Tighter than a duck's arse and still is to this day

sunflowerfunflower · 23/04/2021 18:31

Maybe it's a sensory thing. Do they have Autism or maybe a sensory processing disorder ? It's strange they do it for all of them. Will they try anything else or not ? Like a biscuit 🍪 yum

What is in their tubberware anything nice? I do feel disappointed if I go somewhere and I don't like the food much, but if you are having catering in and having a range of stuff it seems unusual.