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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
LemonRoses · 24/04/2021 09:31

Odd but not offensive. I can think of all sorts of reasons people might want to. I’m not sure they need to give a reason.

Rainbowshine · 24/04/2021 09:37

Even if one has a food or eating issue it might be that to help that one person that the whole family do the Tupperware thing. I really think you’re making this into a Thing when it’s easier just to see it’s about them and not a comment about you, your house, hygiene or hospitality.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/04/2021 09:38

it is their quirk, it seems rude and very cheeky but if it makes them happy why not?

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/04/2021 09:38

i agree about the psychological issue

ChairmansReserve · 24/04/2021 09:41

Thanks for confirming that when I try not to avoid social events due to my eating disorder, and try to work around it,
that people are in fact judging me for it.

Even though it doesn't affect them in any possible conceivable way.

Cheers for that.

Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 24/04/2021 09:45

@stayathomer

There's no autism, and I cannot possibly believe that all 4 of them have ARFID or an eating disorder Then ask them op and like other's said it's not something to get worked up over
I've already said we're happy to cater, asked if they have any dietary requirements, sent over a copy of the food order and offered to add anything they like to the order.

It's just been met with "no, we'll bring our own in Tupperware"

If they were going to be forthcoming about the reason I'd have thought they would have offered a reason by now. There's a limit to how much you can press really.

I still suspect they think hygiene isn't up to scratch due to the questionable practices of a relative (shared, but more on my side) who's now long dead! Likewise, odd comments about dogs in domestic kitchens being unhygienic, even though there haven't been resident dogs at the hosting household for many years (they've been dead even longer).

Hence my mentioning that everything is being bought in, and paper plates provided so that even if you thought the washing up wasn't good enough (!!) then there's no crockery involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 24/04/2021 09:47

@ChairmansReserve

Thanks for confirming that when I try not to avoid social events due to my eating disorder, and try to work around it, that people are in fact judging me for it.

Even though it doesn't affect them in any possible conceivable way.

Cheers for that.

If they said they had an eating disorder then I'd understand - but without any reason it feels like a personal slight.
OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 24/04/2021 09:51

OP just welcome them with open arms, have a laugh and a joke and a family catchup with them at the event. Then, when you are all getting on well, just say to one of them with a smile “You know, I’m really baffled by you feeling you had to bring your own food, can you tell me why?”. Then come back and tell us, please!

WouldBeGood · 24/04/2021 09:52

It’s not you @LadyWhistledownsQuill, it’s them.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/04/2021 09:54

I wouldn't care what the reason was they wouldn't be invited again unless they were prepared to tell me what that was all about.
People are outrageously bad mannered these days and everyone just goes along with it.

stayathomer · 24/04/2021 09:58

ah okay, OP I think you'll never know so a smile and gritted teeth are all that can be done so!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 24/04/2021 09:58

[quote WhereYouLeftIt]@sunflowersandbuttercups, are you the OP's cousin?[/quote]
Nope.

People on MN just seem to get worked up over nothing. It's like they look for things to be offended by.

I can't imagine caring that someone wanted to bring their own meal to my house. I mean, it has no impact on me in any way whatsoever.

I genuinely don't understand why it's so upsetting or offensive.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 24/04/2021 10:03

a colleague refuses home made cakes, for some reason or other, someone she knew, perhaps they are the same, or one of them is and doesnt want the rest to eat other food as well. just go with the flow

ChairmansReserve · 24/04/2021 10:03

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

If they said they had an eating disorder then I'd understand - but without any reason it feels like a personal slight.

Yeah, funnily enough most people suffering from deeply personal and upsetting mental health problems don't necessarily want to share that with distant cousins whom they rarely see. Especially ones who clearly already view them with contempt.

What is your problem? Why should you demand that people reveal all of their most intimate and private problems just so that you don't feel 'slighted'? Why not just get over yourself?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 24/04/2021 10:09

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I wouldn't care what the reason was they wouldn't be invited again unless they were prepared to tell me what that was all about. People are outrageously bad mannered these days and everyone just goes along with it.
Why should people be forced to share their medical history with you? Hmm

Do you not think it's "outrageously rude" to demand that kind of information from people in order for them to be allowed to visit your home?

What happened to live and let live? They're not hurting you in any way by bringing their own food, so why is it so offensive to you?

I really don't get it.

mamal29 · 24/04/2021 10:15

People shouldn't have to 'tell you' they have an eating disorder Confused

WouldBeGood · 24/04/2021 10:17

Why accept such an invitation then?

Only on mumsnet would this be seen as in any way normal. It’s incredibly rude.

Fizbosshoes · 24/04/2021 10:21

I had an eating disorder for years. I neither wanted to discuss it, or appear rude. I never took my own food to places but ate what was served in as small quantity I could get away with and spend the rest of the time panicking/trying to sneak away for exercise!

Fizbosshoes · 24/04/2021 10:22

In fact the type of food/meal the OP has mentioned (buffet style) would be very easy to avoid eating more than you felt comfortable with.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 24/04/2021 10:26

I don’t eat if there isn’t anything there I can eat (I’m veggie and don’t make a song and dance so not everyone knows). I once went to a family event and had a plate of melon. Family ffs!

toffeebutterpopcorn · 24/04/2021 10:27

(I’ve been veggie since 1982!)

TroysMammy · 24/04/2021 10:31

I worked with someone who when the tea run was being done would always refuse a cup of tea/coffee. When everyone had been catered to she would then get up to make herself one. When it was her turn she would make one for everyone and herself at the same time.

Lunch would be exactly the same thing every day and wrapped in foil. Any charity cakes were declined but she would donate. I was told that once she was very overweight but had lost a lot, more than she should have so I expect she had some sort of disorder over eating/accepting food and drink from other people.

Santatizer · 24/04/2021 10:33

I would not have a massive problem with this. Even if it is related to hygiene concerns, it probably isn't that they think you are slovenly in some way and more their own anxieties making it not worth it for them. I think we have to adopt the '"each to their own" motto personally. If it was impacting you in some way, then fine, but they obviously want to come and spend time with everyone but prefer to eat their own food. I just don't see that it's a problem and don't know why it would be necessary to laugh at them behind their backs or to take offence. Just live and let live - yes, most people wouldn't do it, but we're all different and all have different hang ups and I think people could be a bit more accepting of difference, especially where there is zero tangible impact on them.

Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 24/04/2021 10:34

@Fizbosshoes

In fact the type of food/meal the OP has mentioned (buffet style) would be very easy to avoid eating more than you felt comfortable with.
I'd also have thought that buffet style would be much easier for someone with an eating disorder than the sort of meal where food is piled on your plate and you're expected to eat the lot Confused

Providing a range of food people can pick from, in their own desired quantities, was intended to deal fairly effortlessly with dietary requirements (eg there's several veggies attending, there's lots of veggie stuff everyone can enjoy) and anyone on a diet etc can moderate their own portion size.

I've no intention of uninviting them, or not inviting them in future, but it's hard when you go out of your way to try and accommodate dietary needs, all efforts are rebuffed, and you have no real idea why.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 24/04/2021 10:36

@toffeebutterpopcorn

I don’t eat if there isn’t anything there I can eat (I’m veggie and don’t make a song and dance so not everyone knows). I once went to a family event and had a plate of melon. Family ffs!
That's dire! But it can't possibly be the issue here - they've seen the order form and we've offered to add anything they like (and they know that's a genuine offer!)
OP posts: