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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think turning up to parties with your own food in Tupperware is rude?

399 replies

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 09:30

No dietary requirements - we have checked.

They've been doing this for years (we see them every year or two) - so it's not COVID related, though they're currently very anxious about COVID.

They know full well that absolutely everything is being bought in (they've seen the order form) and served on paper plates this time, so their previous excuse of "saving us the bother" has evaporated. Hygiene is also not a logical concern for that reason.

Instead they'll be turning up to a family event with all their food in Tupperware, and no reason has been offered.

AIBU to think it's rude to reject your host's catering? I just don't get what they're playing at.

OP posts:
CouldItBeCake · 23/04/2021 13:54

I’d assume a mental health issue and try to be kind. I used to have quite disordered eating and anxiety about not being in control of food (although never any diagnosis). I would often avoid socialising if there would be food, or I would pretend I had eaten.

Wearywithteens · 23/04/2021 13:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 23/04/2021 13:56

I'd MUCH prefer people did this than whined about the food I'd made or say there's nothing I have that they like

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 23/04/2021 13:59

They're not lobbying others to avoid your catering so they obviously know the issue is their's and nothing to do with what you provide or your hygiene levels.
The first time it happened, I'd have thought it was a bit strange and asked why. After that, it wouldn't bother me. Not everyone likes announcing medical issues or allergies so I wouldn't assume there wasn't an underlying reason. Plus, sometimes telling a host about allergies prompts them to offer to accommodate the allergies and that's even more stressful for everyone. DH has allergies and he'd much rather bring his own food than trust someone (with no knowledge of cross-contamination or every ingredient that includes his allergen) to cater.

CakesOfVersailles · 23/04/2021 13:59

If it's buffet style with shared dips etc. that could actually be the problem. I know some people who just can't cope with eating from shared bowls, especially in parties etc where not everyone washes their hands just before eating or has good 'no double dipping' etiquette.

It is strange but I think it's pretty clearly them trying to fit in and be good guests despite having some sort of requirement (probably more mental than dietary).

I personally wouldn't let it bother me, especially if I enjoyed their company.

MangosteenSoda · 23/04/2021 14:05

Lots of people have problems with food. It’s obviously not personal to you so don’t take offence.

Talking to them might have the effect of them not attending in the future and further exacerbating what is clearly a tricky situation for them.

I’d rather see my family/friends foibles and all and know they feel accepted and comfortable in my company.

Lots of intolerance on this thread (in more than one way Grin).

Original poster
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 23/04/2021 14:07

Plus, sometimes telling a host about allergies prompts them to offer to accommodate the allergies and that's even more stressful for everyone. DH has allergies and he'd much rather bring his own food than trust someone (with no knowledge of cross-contamination or every ingredient that includes his allergen) to cater.

I'd understand that to some extent - but they know I work with food and have to have a good understanding of allergens because of that! If I didn't, I could easily kill a member of the public and be prosecuted for it.

Admittedly the same couldn't be said of the wider family, but I'm the one organising the catering so Confused

There's also four of them, so I don't think they are likely to all have the same allergy. Same weird opinions on hygiene (eg one expressed a dislike of dogs being anywhere near a domestic kitchen - though the house where the party is being held doesn't have any resident dogs) seems far more likely.

I think severe allergies would have come up in conversation - if I know about one's dodgy knee and another one's dodgy kidney then I would have thought allergies would have been mentioned.

OP posts:
noisasentence · 23/04/2021 14:09

You're determined to take offense about it so why ask for opinions. Just have the event, make an atmosphere, look like a duck in thunder at them and get on with it.

Candycane57 · 23/04/2021 14:11

I'd bring my own food and plate if I went to your gathering! Shop bought everything served on presumably plastic coated paper plates?

Giantrooster · 23/04/2021 14:17

Reminds me of 'Friday night dinner' when horrible grandma brings her moist turkey 😂.

Unless there are very good reasons, this is so impolite.

mustlovegin · 23/04/2021 14:27

Lets just say, in my house " not offering a reason" would not be an option

Well, I wouldn't accept an invitation from someone with this domineering attitude either Hmm

cinammonbuns · 23/04/2021 14:34

Form tour update it seems obvious, they are particularly about germs so they likely do it to others too. Nothing personal.

DahliaMacNamara · 23/04/2021 14:39

It's not usual, but I don't really understand why you're letting it trouble you. They're dealing with their issues, whatever they are, the best they can, and not using them as an excuse not to socialise.
I have to admit I've done similar myself on occasion, to save someone the effort of cooking something they themselves wouldn't eat for a fussy DC who wouldn't eat it either.

dreamingbohemian · 23/04/2021 14:44

@CakesOfVersailles

If it's buffet style with shared dips etc. that could actually be the problem. I know some people who just can't cope with eating from shared bowls, especially in parties etc where not everyone washes their hands just before eating or has good 'no double dipping' etiquette.

It is strange but I think it's pretty clearly them trying to fit in and be good guests despite having some sort of requirement (probably more mental than dietary).

I personally wouldn't let it bother me, especially if I enjoyed their company.

Yes I think this is likely to be it. Do you normally do buffet style? People who are very hygiene-conscious often can't deal with it.

You seem rather dismissive of their concerns about dogs near food prep so they may not feel on the same page as you, that's all.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 14:47

I can't imagine getting worked up about something like this - why does it matter?

If I invite people to my house, it's to spend time with them, not to sit there and make sure they eat the food I offer them. If they feel more comfortable bringing their own food, then that's absolutely no problem.

joystir59 · 23/04/2021 14:47

Weird and rude unless an explanation is offered (severe allergy, medical reasons). Sharing food, giving and receiving food is a very basic and necessary social glue.

Tinkling · 23/04/2021 14:54

I had an eating disorder I didn’t publicise and social situations used to really stress me out. eating my own food was something I needed to ensure I ate.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 23/04/2021 15:10

@joystir59

Weird and rude unless an explanation is offered (severe allergy, medical reasons). Sharing food, giving and receiving food is a very basic and necessary social glue.
Why should someone have to explain their medical/eating problems to others?

It's far more "weird and rude" to demand guests eat your food, tbh.

CrazyCatLazy · 23/04/2021 15:20

I have an eating disorder, it’s not known by people other that’s my DP.
This could be their coping mechanism.
I easily could look rude or weird by some of my coping mechanisms around other people

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 23/04/2021 15:25

@RaspberryCoulis

Rude, weird, odd and ungrateful.

Whatever "issues" they may claim to have. If you're that weird around other people's food then you decline the invitation rather than whipping out a plastic tub of whatever.

That's your opinion. That's all
faithfulbird20 · 23/04/2021 15:28

It's weird yes I wonder why they do that.

What's more rude is those people that invite you to a party at their house and then a day later ask everyone to bring one dish each.

chittychittybang · 23/04/2021 15:37

Do they gave OCD tendencies? Someone I know used to be happy eating take away curry/Chinese food etc, but wouldn't let it touch her plates and cutlery. They ate every take away off paper plates with disposable cutlery. Maybe they have similar issues.

ibblebibbledibble · 23/04/2021 15:48

I have a bit of an irrational thing about eating other people’s food. Some people I have absolutely no problem with and others for some reason I just can’t. It’s worse If it’s food someone has taken somewhere, for example if someone cooks food and brings it into work to share, I really struggle to eat it, but would be fine going round their house for dinner. It’s completely irrational. It could’ve something like that I guess?

Jazzybeats · 23/04/2021 16:07

Alternate point of view here - I’m heavily into fitness and if on a competition prep or something I’d take my food in Tupperware. Nothing personal about the other persons food but there are times where my nutrition needs to be very exact. So easier to take my own.

IrmaFayLear · 23/04/2021 16:19

Also depends on the type of event. If it’s a big gathering and a buffet, then someone with a Tupperware box wouldn’t be an issue.

If, however, you are hosting a dinner party and you have slaved over a hot stove for hours and the guests without forewarning you produce their own food - well, then one would be justified in silently - or even loudly - screaming.